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So about a week ago I started working at a Hershey's Chocolate factory. At the same time as me, this girl also started.
Now in my first couple of days she started flirting with me, and I caught her checking me out a couple of times. So we started chatting on our breaks, and getting to know each other.
On Friday she was talking to someone else (right next to me) about how incredible busy she was going to be this weekend. But when I casually asked her what plans she had for the weekend, she replied that she didn't quite know yet, but her Sunday night was wide open.
So I figure that's a big a hint as I'm likely to get.
After work, we're walking to our cars and I ask her out.
She gives me, "I just got out of a serious relationship, and I'm not ready to date yet. However, I would like to hang out with you. Let's try and do something on Sunday."
My translation: "You're a nice guy and I don't want to make things awkward at work, so instead of saying no, I'm saying this. I might call you up if I'm bored, or if I want a free meal, but I'm not interested."
She texted me once this weekend already to see if I wanted to go to a movie, but I declined.
So my question is, is it more fair to her if I just tell her straight up, "hey I want us to keep being friends at work but I'm not interested in hanging out", or, should I not say anything, and when she offers to do stuff, just keep saying no?
But let me clarify here: I've already made the decision that I'm not going to pursue her. I'm not looking for advice on "What did she really mean?". What I want to know is if I should address the situation directly, or just let it slowly slip into nothingness.
I mean, what would be nicer to her?
 
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You work at a Hershey's Chocolate factory?
Duuuude. I am so jealous.
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Why not be her friend?
"keep saying no or tell her I only want to be friends at work?"
I think the options are nearly identical. Look "no i don't want to hangout on sunday" and "no i don't want to hangout ever" are not very different. "i don't want to hangout ever" is more harsh but more honest. It might be offensive but it might save her a heart ache down the line. That is, if she is actually really wanting you as a friend and not just trying to appease you.
In my experience, honesty allows for greater clarity and lucidity. Empathy for another's feelings is also helpful. Mix the two and you have quite the brew. Why might she be offended if you never want to hangout? is your reason for not wanting to hangout mean or nice?
This seems like a small issue, really. Sure you just don'tl ike the distraction and attention?
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You know, it's entirely possible that she's just not sure if she is interested in you enough to go on a date, so she just wanted to hang out with you before making that decision. The point of a date in my opinion is to get to know someone, but I know other people view it as something you do once you've decided you already like them, so she may not have been rejecting your advance like you think.
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On October 29 2012 01:28 slam wrote:
You work at a Hershey's Chocolate factory?
Duuuude. I am so jealous.
It sounds cool, but really nothing besides the pay is special.
On October 29 2012 01:29 meteorskunk wrote:
Why not be her friend?
"keep saying no or tell her I only want to be friends at work?"
I think the options are nearly identical. Look "no i don't want to hangout on sunday" and "no i don't want to hangout ever" are not very different. "i don't want to hangout ever" is more harsh but more honest. It might be offensive but it might save her a heart ache down the line. That is, if she is actually really wanting you as a friend and not just trying to appease you.
In my experience, honesty allows for greater clarity and lucidity. Empathy for another's feelings is also helpful. Mix the two and you have quite the brew. Why might she be offended if you never want to hangout? is your reason for not wanting to hangout mean or nice?
This seems like a small issue, really. Sure you just don'tl ike the distraction and attention?
Hmmm good points.
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I'm rather confused here. I don't think it was the best decision to assume that was what she meant. Is it possible? Sure, but that "translation" is making an assumption that I'm not sure you can make, and be right about.
That being said, what really is "odd", is that if you want to be friends you should be willing to hang out from time to time, that statement or consistent answer of "no" says to me that you only want to be casual acquaintances, and not friends. What you seem to want, and how you go about saying it here are incongruous with one another and I think you need to completely re-examine the whole situation in order to get at some of the conceptual problems herein (from both sides).
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Like Wo1fwood said, don't assume she means this. It is indeed a cover for if she doesn't like you, but she still sounds kinda interrested. I'd say, hang out with her and if you both enjoy it do it more, but share the bills 
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On October 29 2012 01:11 Fumanchu wrote:
On Friday she was talking to someone else (right next to me) about how incredible busy she was going to be this weekend. But when I casually asked her what plans she had for the weekend, she replied that she didn't quite know yet, but her Sunday night was wide open.
That was a hint that for you that on Sunday night something else will be wide open for you but you didn't take it
she's just pissed
:D
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You already made the decision not to pursue her. Why should you care about which way to tell her is a bit more or a bit less nice?
My tip to the question: Just let it fade into nothingness, keeps the door open a bit longer, if you should change your mind
EDIT: typos, it's sunday I am dizzy
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After work, we're walking to our cars and I ask her out.
She gives me, "I just got out of a serious relationship, and I'm not ready to date yet. However, I would like to hang out with you. Let's try and do something on Sunday."
"What? I wanted to grab a bite with you, not marry you. Are you always this fast? Jesus..." - if she laughs at something like this, it's on.
When a woman throws something like that at you for the first time, just pretend she's having dirty thoughts about you, while you're the innocent victim. Obviously this doesn't work if you made a big fuss about "asking her out" in the first place but then, well, you deserved to be spanked in a non-sexual way anyway.
She texted me once this weekend already to see if I wanted to go to a movie, but I declined.
So my question is, is it more fair to her if I just tell her straight up, "hey I want us to keep being friends at work but I'm not interested in hanging out", or, should I not say anything, and when she offers to do stuff, just keep saying no?
You only go to movies with women you are sexually interested in? If you don't want anything to do with her outside of work that has nothing to do with "I only want to be friends at work", it means you think hanging out with her sucks - that's not how "being friends" works. Like, if you don't want to spend time with someone, just don't.
I'm not sure why on earth you would maneuver yourself into that awkward situation in the first place. Do you suddenly not find her attractive anymore? Did you go from "I'll ask her out" to "I don't like being around her" within an hour? Are you embarassed because she "turned you down" emotionally?
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Honestly, what she said sounded genuine to me. I read that as "I'm attracted to you and could see this going somewhere but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet." And in situations like that, hanging out changes her mind very very quickly :D. So if you are interested, just hang out with her and don't be too pushy. With a bit of time she'll get more comfortable around you, become even more attracted to you, and be willing to put her reservations about her recent relationship aside.
Best of luck to you.
Edit: I know this is the kind of advice you didn't want, but I gave it anyway because I think you may have misread the situation and wanted to offer a different perspective.
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United States5491 Posts
I don't even... it seems like girl blogs have gone from people being unable to get a girl, to being stupid and naive (me), to being just stupid mistakes that could have easily been avoided. This is such a facepalm for me right now. YOU had HER, literally, what you translated what she said as is completely wrong. Seriously, she just wanted to get a bite to eat to get to know you, saying she was just out of a relationship says that she is open to something not serious, plus unless that will be your employer for a long time, I don't see the issue there. I really think that you misinterpreted what she said in a complete 180 from what it meant. Last time I checked a dinner on sunday night is a date.
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On October 29 2012 04:01 docvoc wrote:
I don't even... it seems like girl blogs have gone from people being unable to get a girl, to being stupid and naive (me), to being just stupid mistakes that could have easily been avoided. This is such a facepalm for me right now. YOU had HER, literally, what you translated what she said as is completely wrong. Seriously, she just wanted to get a bite to eat to get to know you, saying she was just out of a relationship says that she is open to something not serious, plus unless that will be your employer for a long time, I don't see the issue there. I really think that you misinterpreted what she said in a complete 180 from what it meant. Last time I checked a dinner on sunday night is a date.
Yup.
Most likely she saw him as a bit too offensive about his intentions and just put the "I'm not that easy" disclaimer in there. Should just call it "hanging out" and not "date" and suddenly this would be less of an issue.
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On October 29 2012 03:35 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +After work, we're walking to our cars and I ask her out.
She gives me, "I just got out of a serious relationship, and I'm not ready to date yet. However, I would like to hang out with you. Let's try and do something on Sunday." "What? I wanted to grab a bite with you, not marry you. Are you always this fast? Jesus..." - if she laughs at something like this, it's on. When a woman throws something like that at you for the first time, just pretend she's having dirty thoughts about you, while you're the innocent victim. Obviously this doesn't work if you made a big fuss about "asking her out" in the first place but then, well, you deserved to be spanked in a non-sexual way anyway. Show nested quote +She texted me once this weekend already to see if I wanted to go to a movie, but I declined.
So my question is, is it more fair to her if I just tell her straight up, "hey I want us to keep being friends at work but I'm not interested in hanging out", or, should I not say anything, and when she offers to do stuff, just keep saying no? You only go to movies with women you are sexually interested in? If you don't want anything to do with her outside of work that has nothing to do with "I only want to be friends at work", it means you think hanging out with her sucks - that's not how "being friends" works. Like, if you don't want to spend time with someone, just don't. I'm not sure why on earth you would maneuver yourself into that awkward situation in the first place. Do you suddenly not find her attractive anymore? Did you go from "I'll ask her out" to "I don't like being around her" within an hour? Are you embarassed because she "turned you down" emotionally?
This was my train of thought:
1) I find girl cute and fun so I ask out
2) She says she just wants to hang out
3) I know that if we hang out, I'll hold on to my original feelings and hope for something more one day
4) I don't want to be in that position
5) I don't want to hang out because of that
6) However, we do still work together and I want things to be as least awkward as possible
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On October 29 2012 04:01 docvoc wrote:
I don't even... it seems like girl blogs have gone from people being unable to get a girl, to being stupid and naive (me), to being just stupid mistakes that could have easily been avoided. This is such a facepalm for me right now. YOU had HER, literally, what you translated what she said as is completely wrong. Seriously, she just wanted to get a bite to eat to get to know you, saying she was just out of a relationship says that she is open to something not serious, plus unless that will be your employer for a long time, I don't see the issue there. I really think that you misinterpreted what she said in a complete 180 from what it meant. Last time I checked a dinner on sunday night is a date.
This is a very real possibility. However, I felt from the way the conversation went, that she was leaning towards friendship. I'm not hard up for a girlfriend. If she doesn't like me the next one will. Maybe I miscued here, and you could be totally correct, however I just wasn't willing to be on the hook.
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Allright, this makes sense now.
To put things into perspective: If she says what she said there it means: "let's date". She wants to hang out with you on her wide open sunday night, that's a date. However, since you two work together and she barely knows you, you shouldn't call it like that. She doesn't want you running around saying you're "dating her" so she puts up the disclaimer and calls it "just doing something".
A great way into both her heart and her pants in a situation like this is to just roll with "wtf, I'm not dating you, we're just hanging out" as a general frame and then escalate physically anyway. Suddenly there's sexual attraction, one thing leads to another and "it just happened". THAT is something she can justify in front of herself and other people without any problem whatsoever.
The fact that she also texted you for movies shortly after also means that it's on.
Here are the scenarios I'd suggest:
A1) You honestly don't want to pursue things because you're scared of the possible outcomes. Be friendly at work, don't talk about private stuff, ignore/decline private requests. If she ever tries to talk about it, it's because you don't like private relationships with people you work with, the one invite was just a spurr of the moment thing. Worst case, you miss a great lover and she might ruin your reputation somewhat down the road.
A2) Instead of ignoring it you tell her that you have feelings for her without knowing her at all and really screw up your reputation.
B) You give this whole thing a go. Worst case, you'll get hurt and gain some experience. Best case you gain lots of experience from a great relationship. Hang out with her. When in doubt (that's mostly based on my assumption of you having to be more scared of being the "nice non-sexual guy" instead of the "nasty asshole"), listen to your dick. He's your best buddy in telling you what to do exactly. Don't be afraid of touching her casually and enjoy your positive feedback. If you get negative feedback on anything, go one step back and two steps forward. Unless you get a clear (verbal or non-verbal) "wtf stop that", this is a solid guideline. Your most likely biggest possible "fuckup" in persuing this would be to not be "touchy" enough early on. For some reason she enjoys your company already, you don't have to care much about the rest.
tl;dr: If you want to, so far this is a great way to start out. She is interested in some way, the only thing that could stop you is yourself. More precisely either your fear of being turned down (which includes getting attached too much too quickly), or your fear of being too sexual. Being afraid sucks. Best way to stop being afraid is to jump right in.
In case you kind of would genuinely LIKE to jump in but feel that you can't I'd suggest getting more familar around women in general so that this kind of crap doens't happen again any time soon. Really sucks to read about such a cool start and you wanting to throw it away before it even started.
gl either way, keep us updated if you have any more questions down the road, feel free to PM if I miss an update. =)
edit @A1/2: What I'm trying to say is there is no easy way out of this. You already established "more than co-workers" with your "let's do something" and by exchanging phone numbers. I don't see you getting out of this without seeming quirky/rude/weird. If you're going that way your main concern should be damage control. Both telling her about the whole thing (awkward) or just ignoring her requests (awkward, too) isn't something that's awesome. Learning how to deal with your feelings, persuing her or finding another girl asap are both more solid options. =P
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I think r.Evo is pretty damn spot on here. Maybe you've already made up your mind and don't really care about the rest, but if your still not convinced I'd take a good read at what r.Evo wrote.
I think you just jumped the gun on your assumption that she just wants to be friends. Heck, she not only made time specifically for you on the weekend, she even invited you to come see a movie. That's not something people do with others they recently met, sorta know, and want to be friends with.
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United States5262 Posts
I dated only for the purpose of marriage. I am now engaged.
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friendzone that crazy lady before she friendzones you I'd say. fuck being nice.
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EPT
