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Help! Critique My Writing!

Blogs > Cedstick
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Cedstick
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
Canada3336 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-26 05:52:57
August 26 2012 04:31 GMT
#1
I've been doing regular writing for LighT eSports of late, and in general have found myself wanting to write more and more, whether it be for them or another platform. I've become a lot more serious about improving as a writer with this new motivation, and if I'm ever going to get something on the front-page of Team Liquid or another high-profile site, I need to be at my best.

I'd love if you guys would take the time to read and critique some recent articles I've written for LighT and let me know what you liked, what could be changed, and what was utter shit that shouldn't have been published. If you only read one or two articles, make sure to let me know when you reply. Knowing the specifics can help in some cases.

As a note: the bit about GanZi in the most recent article holds true, I believe, as he has been performing decently of late. This particular tournament showed his wrist problems flaring-up quite severely, though, which I couldn't have predicted. Keep that in mind when you read my assessment -- which I still stand by.

I hope you enjoy, and really look forward to your feedback!

Rising Action
A New Story Arcs for LighT at MLG Championship

+ Show Spoiler [Rising Action - LighT MLG Summer Champ…] +
The edge of the sky looks real, as if you could go there; as if, finally, somehow, the setting sun is attainable, not just a mirage in a heat-stricken alien world. The stifling heat is gone with yesterday, signalling the end of a season -- but for LighT, it hasn't been a very hot one.

Adrian Kwong cycles his control groups during a warm-up game, his midnight practice on the Korean server about to begin. Not far from KawaiiRice's home, Tilea Flavall follows suite, chasing just behind his team-mates on the Korean ladder, mere points away. Farther south, California-based Sung Bin Lee opts away from the practice regiments of KawaiiRice and Knight, instead refining builds in hidden custom games. While Binski is grinding-out his TvT, Patrick Coury is focusing on his North American competition, covertly laddering on his secret America-server account, rather than his usual CaliberLighT.

It's been a tough grind the last few months, but you wouldn't know it judging such a determined group. While Summer may be coming to an end, what begins is a new chapter for LighT, the team renewed and emboldened. The sun sets, but it may just be attainable at the MLG Summer Championship.


The Shaman


Every character has his guide through the rough; the person that keeps them going, the support that keeps their spirits up, even if they themselves don't have a computer desk or chair to practice with. In times of doubt, Binski is that man, conjuring his magics to bring life to his team. If this MLG were a game of pure attitude, The Shaman would win it all.

Attitude isn't the only strength this Terran brings to his games. Those who doubt the last-minute seeds for the Groups stage will simply have to watch him in action. Whether it's the confidence that lead him from the literal bottom of the ladder to where he is now, or innate skill that's bolstered the confidence, he's got the mindset that's needed to contest his top-class opponents right from the start in MLG's Raleigh, North Carolina tournament.

His focused training for his first opponent is the very least that will be needed, as Complexity's GanZi has been on the rise lately. On-paper, GanZi's versus-Terran record is significantly more impressive than Binski's, but for someone who's already given Korean pros a run for their money at past MLGs and is still improving rapidly, that means little. The match does look favoured for the ex-SlayerS Terran GanZi, but the very least we'll see is a good 1-2 series from Sung Bin. If he can make it passed GanZi, he's in good shape for aLive and PuMa, the other Terrans of the group.

With such an initial Terran-heavy bracket, Binski's focus should be obvious. This makes one of the strongest Protoss in the world right now his hardest opponent: SlayerS' Alicia. Thankfully, before he has to worry about either Alicia or Sheth, the Shaman can test his mental fortitude in the TvTs immediately ahead of him, a chance to display his tactical cunning.


The Faceless One


A lot more casual about his practice, but a lot more elusive, Caliber hides behind a number of pseudonyms to test his wiles. One thing we can feel confident in predicting is that our Random player will opt to race-pick his strongest, and compete as Protoss. His main race has been the demise of some notable players recently – SlayerSMiya in a recent NASL qualifier to name one. A mask well-worn by the Faceless One.

Our second seeded LighT player, Patrick Coury's group is a little bit more favourable than Sung Bin's. PvP being one of his strong suites, he should be going-up against Korean Protoss Daisy without nerves, even despite Daisy's recent victories. LosirA's ZvP in the second round is where things get difficult for Caliber. A realistic outlook sees even the best Protoss in the world having trouble with this fearsome opponent.

Thankfully, though he's got a wide variety of players to worry about, “Code-S” isn't a theme in his group, unlike Binski's. Korean Protoss First has been wreaking havoc lately, but falls in to the realm of PvP against Caliber, never to be under-estimated in the match-up. Complexity Academy's Sasquatch has recently been shut-out 2-0 by Caliber, which should be a repeat here in Raleigh, too. GoOdy, the group's last seeded opponent, is a little tougher, bringing the big Terran guns that have proved to be Patrick's weakness.

LosirA, shortly followed by GoOdy sets-up the expectation for an early out after three rounds, but records go to show that match-ups are no limitations for a man of many masks. Caliber has shattered expectations alongside some heavy-hitters in the past, and I wouldn't be surprised to see him upsetting this group hard.


The Resolute Knight


Cautious and exhaustive, the methodical tactics of Knight will ruin the will to continue for many players unfortunate enough to meet him at Raleigh. Behind the ridged plating of his planetary armour, he will pick at you slowly yet surely, and by the time you out-manoeuvre the strategic pokes of his pole-arm, he has half the map.

Despite his 1-2 loss to mOOnGLaDe, his stellar play and innovative style gained him accolades from a host of new fans, making KnightLighT the dark-horse hero of WCS Oceania. With such persistance and patience, we have a player perfectly suited for both TvT and the radically-flipped TvZ meta-game, which so many Terrans are troubled to adapt to. On the other hand, his 67-minute game against mOOnGLaDe was the game to watch of the entire tournament, and probably snagged the interest of many competitors destined for the Summer Championship.

Barring exposure as a worry, Tilea Flavall has one visible chink in his armour. His macro-oriented style seems quite susceptible to early aggression and all-ins, which has taken him out in the past, even just recently at that very Oceania tournament that's turned heads. Has his training created an even more tenacious warrior – a truly unbreakable Knight?


The General


The master of troupe movements, KawaiiRice's ability to manage aggression on multiple fronts has earned him the respect of seasoned veterans of the battlefield. Mechanics predating his SC2 career has helped him defeat feared Korean warlords time and again, infantry drops ripping contenders' attention from one side to the other, while his main force rips theirs apart.

After suffering a number of defeats, Adrian Kwong has regrouped and is pushing back out for a victory, his recent practice drills becoming more and more successful. Prior to his small slump, he showed some great wins at his last MLG tournament. Despite being knocked-out deep in the open bracket, he took games off both ByuL and CraymovING – both Championship Bracket contenders – and defeated Eifer, theognis, desRow and who is usually his TvT bane, qxc.

With his game on the upswing, and his performances against top Korean tacticians becoming more consistent with each tournament, we're set for some great games as usual, and quite likely a third Championship-Bracket placement. This time around, though, can the General take the fight to day three?

Original post: http://www.lightesports.com/news/rising-action-light-mlg-summer


LighT vs Dark ESEA Round One
The Forces of LighT Battle the Evil Geniuses

+ Show Spoiler [LighT vs Dark - ESEA Week One Preview] +
The fifth season of the Electronic Sports Entertainment SC2 league has begun, opening with a bang by putting two of North America's best teams head-to-head in Week One. To add tension to an already close match, both teams have a lot to prove heading in to this season. I asked Geoff “iNcontroL” Robinson of Team EG if he'd share his opinion on the coming match, and shed some light from a different angle.

The Evil Geniuses are coming-off a two-season hiatus from the ESEA, with no better timing, as their American team has been largely off the radar in terms of results in the last year. Season 5 will be a proving grounds for a resurgent EG, all their States-side players stepping-up their play in recent months. With none of the heavy-hitter Koreans of EG signed-up for the league just yet, it'll be a true test of their mettle.

LighT eSports is in the same boat. Though they boast individual talent and potential, as a team they've lingered at the midway mark, seeing difficulty in the earlier stages of most team leagues and only managing Third and Fourth in their first two ESEA showings. Roster instability rocked the team hard last month, but with new recruits and a bolstered line-up, the team has gained confidence and is looking to show their power.

KawaiiRice vs IdrA


In our first series we see a test of mental strength; LighT's KawaiiRice will be taking-on EG's IdrA, both notable for tilting; both recently taking steps towards a stronger mentality. Whereas Greg “IdrA” Fields has started showing the results of his sports counselling by taking games off TaeJa and other top-tier opponents of late, KawaiiRice has started fighting his way from mid-Masters back to his GM MMR on the Korean server after his own slump.

With recent competitive performances, the consensus might be favoured to IdrA to take the series. Geoff notes Adrian “KawaiiRice” Kwong's historical performance in the match-up, though, and recent tournament results showing the matchup is still in the air. “Kawaii has been training on the KR server and has always had a fantastic TvZ. Should be a great match. IdrA himself has even said with the changes going on in the meta-game for ZvT at the moment, it isn't the match everyone thinks it is these days.”

Sson vs iNcontroL


Next-up, iNcontroL himself takes-on LighT's new recruit, ex-BW Pro Son “M18M” Seok Hee, now known as Sson. The Korean Protoss has an innate advantage going in to this PvP, KeSPA players notoriously performing well in their mirror-matches, despite little SC2 experience, thanks to their mechanics.

“PvP is still my worst [match-up], but I feel a lot less terrible at it these days,” Geoff comments. “I am excited to play a guy I used to watch in BW. He was a fantastic player then and I expect him to be great now.”

Binski vs Suppy


Series number three will pit zero-to-hero LighT Terran Binski, who started in the Copper League in the SC2 beta, against EG's newest Superstar Zerg, Suppy, another amateur-gone-pro grassroots story. Going in to this round, though, Binski arguably has the advantage: Conan “Suppy” Lui has been enjoying the spotlight, but his play-style might as well be written-down in a study book and handed to Sung Bin “Binski” Lee.

Geoff is confident in his team-mate, though. “Being exposed has it's pros and cons for sure. On the one hand he is the known player facing an unknown. on the other, Binksi has his hands full with a really on-fire player at the moment.” Binski has been known to take upset wins, though, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

SeoHyeon vs Thorzain


Recent EG recruit and internationally-acclaimed Terran Marcus “Thorzain” Eklöf will close-out their line-up in game four, against LighT's own new Terran, Seo “SeoHyeon” Hyeon Park. This mirror-match is a bit of a toss-up; Thorzain is famous for a reason, having taken one-sided championship series against the likes of TSL's Polt. On the other hand, he's largely inconsistent, being knocked-out just as lopsidedly by surprising opponents in the first rounds of tournaments.

Some posit that it's a matter of preparation, which would undoubtedly give him the upper-hand in this series, given he's researched his opponent. Then again, back to the other hand, SeoHyeon has a good winning record when it comes to engagements between the two. Geoff takes another angle -- “Thorzain is a competitor. When something is on the line, he is a different player than when he plays on the ladder. Korean vs non-Korean is always fun, but there is a reason why Thorzain is a household name.”

Undoubtedly, Markus will be just as confident going in to the match as Seo Hyeon has said he is against Thorzain. With the forecast of the upcoming match looking tooth-and-nail close, it's like we'll get to see just who's got the top TvT, and an Ace Match to boot.

Want to watch the match live? Check ZoiaLighT's stream – http://www.twitch.tv/starcraftsquad – at 8PM PDT/11PM EDT, August 16th. Find the details and join-in o nthe discussion inn the Team Liquid live-report thread – http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=360910

Original post: http://www.lightesports.com/news/light-vs-dark-esea-week-1-preview


A Golden Summer
A Look at Golden's Time with LighT eSports

+ Show Spoiler [A Golden Summer - Golden's Time…] +
It's Swarm Season: the Summer of Zerg is here, and around the world heralds have raised their banners – among them, Golden shines as one of the brightest. Quick to establish his power in North America as a transplant for LighT eSports, Myung Jo Hwan showed impressive play and a massive amount of potential in event after event, attending many LANs across the United States and leading his team alongside KawaiiRice in team leagues. With results progressively getting better with time, he faces his final challenge as a member of Team LighT, ready to take his Gold.

Do What Zerg Do Best


Golden wastes no time. Within a month of recruitment he was representing his new team well with two show-match wins, one against the WCS USA winner ViBE and the other against his infamous ex-SlayerS team-mate, Dragon. In the next three months he would take-on some of the world's greatest, competing in the premiere-league GSL, making the top-16 bracket of the 2012 ONOG Invitational and two top-24 finishes in the MLG Winter and Spring Championships. Along the way he grabbed a cool $500 as winner of Playhem's $500 EU tournament, and even brought some high-profile players down with him in the brutal IPL 4. These are just a few of his accomplishments.

In June, the GESL Invitational would test Golden's ZvZ, zergs being chief among the Korean-heavy competition. A six-man showdown would be his first challenge in the tournament's groups stage. Cerebrate-vs-cerebrate knife-fights would be his dirty road out, beating American zergs Mystik and Machine, and kicking a protoss Insur down during the fray to clench third-place and advance from his group.

The Playoffs bracket wouldn't prove any easier at any point. In his first match, Golden would face GSTL-contender MvPTAiLS, winning 2-1 against the 'toss and moving-on to face a probably-pissed-off team-mate of TaiLS. Korean terran DreamMVP would make the Quarter-Finals as difficult as the last round, but Golden emerged victorious with a 2-1 win.

The semi-finals seemed a bit brighter. Another Korean-gone-foreign, Sleep, was on the losing side of most matches with Golden in their team-league ZvZs. CheckSix's Ace would finally see vengeance, though. The former SlayerS team-mate of Golden would wrestle a 3-2 win and a spot in the finals away from him, leaving Golden with a fourth-place, $500 finish.

HomeStory Cup 5


Less than a month later, Myung would fly-out to Germany and pick-up where KawaiiRice left-off at HomeStory Cup 4. Team LighT watched in concern over the weekend as jet-lag reared it's ugly head, yet the young zerg still proved strong enough to power his way through the tourney with his aggressive, ling-heavy style.

Golden's first day showed some poor play thanks to his travels, resulting in some close matches. Somehow, he persevered, the only match lost being to GSL superstar terran MVP in a close 1-2 series. Group deliberations dropped Myung in to arguably the hardest group in the tournament the following day, once again with MVP in his way. The World's Best Terran would again prove to be Golden's biggest hindrance, with a 2-1 win over our zerg. Despite this, Golden's wins over Team Liquid's King of Drones, Ret, and the MVP-killer Naama would put him at the top of his group and win him a spot in Playoffs bracket.

sLivko, a survivor of the tournament's other Group of Death, would be the first opponent on the final day of HomeStory Cup 5. Another close Playoffs-knife-fight, the ZvZ would end in Golden's favour, 3-2. Though making another notable tournament's Semi-Finals, this match sadly wouldn't be as close as the last. Incredible Miracle's YongHwa would take a convincing 3-1 win. Golden would move to the consolation match against the world's best protoss, MC, where he would be knocked-out of the tournament with another fourth-place finish – but not without claiming a sizable $2000.

LighT's Gladiator


The Hive is not wont to sit-down and accept defeat, and Golden will find himself right back in the colosseum. The MLG Summer Arena is nigh, and it'll be a brutal battle from the start, Code-S talent waiting for our fighter at every step.

In Round One, the former oGs terran TOP will be waiting, teamless and hungry for the glory he needs to impress those looking-on who might share riches with him. Passed this formidable foe will more than likely be another highly-respected terran warrior. With all due respect to ESC's Daisy, aLive should have no problem smashing passed him to try and stop Golden in his climb to the top.

As skewed as some might say ZvT is at the moment, our Zerg damn-well have taken his preparation against such opponents seriously, because victory will not come easily. In Round Three, it's most like he'll face Losira or SaSe, but in Round Four he's almost guaranteed another terran in either PuMa, Taeja or GanZi.

Recently giving the Number-One Terran in the world a run for his money, the least we're looking at are some good games from Golden in this tournament, and quite possibly a bloody tear to the top for our capable young Zerg. The MLG Summer Arena is now free-to-watch, so make sure to check-out one last, brilliant display from Golden under LighT's banner.

Original post: http://www.lightesports.com/news/golden-summer


"What does Rivington do when he's not commentating?" "Drool." ~ Categorist
Christ the Redeemer
Profile Joined May 2012
Brazil161 Posts
August 26 2012 05:23 GMT
#2
I like your style. You have to develop your plots a bit more.
Cedstick
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
Canada3336 Posts
August 28 2012 03:17 GMT
#3
Well, you're kinda' banned right now, but hopefully you see this and reply later. Are you talking specifically about the latest (top) article? I agree on that one, though if you mean the other two could you elaborate a bit? For the latest article, I had massive writer's block and didn't really follow the title theme too closely in the actual body, and just gave some kind of one-off character for each player that loosely fit with the idea of on-going characters in story.
"What does Rivington do when he's not commentating?" "Drool." ~ Categorist
Jombozeus
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
China1014 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-28 04:48:28
August 28 2012 04:40 GMT
#4
Horrible. Let me get to the point.

1. Why would anyone outside of diehard LighT fanboys (which barely exists) want to wade through 90% college freshman year overachiever nonsense to get to 10% material? Who is your audience, and why does your audience want to read something that resembles a paper written for creative writing 101 in libarts college?

2. Blatant favoritism and lack of goal, written with 1 thing in mind: "Big fancy words that appeal to my boss."

3. The division of the article into subplots is stupid, overused, TL cliche, and worst of all do not smoothly transition into each other. I'm not just talking about in terms of content either, the style, tense, flow, and perspective is ever-changing and confusing. SO MANY TITLES AND SUBTITLES, each derivative cheapens the meaning of the previous and the next.

4. I don't know what the hell is happening by the topic sentence of each subplot. Every topic sentence has the format: "Some metaphor, name, continuation of metaphor." Great, you learned to use metaphors, but why is it important and why is it representative other than it sounding good in your head? All I get from each topic sentence is that I should like this player because he is like a X. Useful? Not really.

5. The-copious-amounts-of-dashes and pauses. And novel-like magical beautiful wonderful superfluous vocabulary does not appeal to anyone but an overconfident writer himself. It just makes shit confusing. What the hell does "takes-on" even mean? Adding dashes doesn't make it more poetic.

6. Man, using cool adjectives like fearless etc. doesn't actually make what you're saying more unique or outstanding. Adjectives cannot substitute for content.

Oh yeah, 7. It doesn't seem like you have a lick of presentable game knowledge. It reads like an article written by an outsider, not an esports fan.
Cedstick
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
Canada3336 Posts
August 28 2012 17:04 GMT
#5
On August 28 2012 13:40 Jombozeus wrote:
Horrible. Let me get to the point.

1. Why would anyone outside of diehard LighT fanboys (which barely exists) want to wade through 90% college freshman year overachiever nonsense to get to 10% material? Who is your audience, and why does your audience want to read something that resembles a paper written for creative writing 101 in libarts college?

2. Blatant favoritism and lack of goal, written with 1 thing in mind: "Big fancy words that appeal to my boss."

3. The division of the article into subplots is stupid, overused, TL cliche, and worst of all do not smoothly transition into each other. I'm not just talking about in terms of content either, the style, tense, flow, and perspective is ever-changing and confusing. SO MANY TITLES AND SUBTITLES, each derivative cheapens the meaning of the previous and the next.

4. I don't know what the hell is happening by the topic sentence of each subplot. Every topic sentence has the format: "Some metaphor, name, continuation of metaphor." Great, you learned to use metaphors, but why is it important and why is it representative other than it sounding good in your head? All I get from each topic sentence is that I should like this player because he is like a X. Useful? Not really.

5. The-copious-amounts-of-dashes and pauses. And novel-like magical beautiful wonderful superfluous vocabulary does not appeal to anyone but an overconfident writer himself. It just makes shit confusing. What the hell does "takes-on" even mean? Adding dashes doesn't make it more poetic.

6. Man, using cool adjectives like fearless etc. doesn't actually make what you're saying more unique or outstanding. Adjectives cannot substitute for content.

Oh yeah, 7. It doesn't seem like you have a lick of presentable game knowledge. It reads like an article written by an outsider, not an esports fan.

1. For the articles posted, my main audience is LighT fans -- as I've stated in the first paragraph of the OP -- checking the LighT website. The preview sums-up each players' current state as a competitor and how they'll be approaching the upcoming tournament, while adding a bit of literary spice for those who can't sit through dry reports. I think this also helps for people not as closely acquainted with our players yet.

Could you elaborate on, "90% college freshman year overachiever nonsense to get to 10% material"? Also, did you only read the top article? I realize that isn't a strong article in terms of sticking to a theme or plot point (as mentioned in my last post.) Maybe I should remove that article since I know it's main fault.

2. Yes, it's a little favoured, as I write for LighT eSports and am a fan of many of it's players. Lack of goal? The point of each article is pretty clear, excepting maybe the literary them poorly constructed for the first article. Big fancy words?

3. I'll keep this in mind. I do have (what I think are) good reasons for this, though, one being attention spans when it comes to the internet. I don't mean to under-mind my potential audience, as I use myself as a example: I like when articles on the net are partitioned or formatted in a way that makes it easy to mentally bookmark so I can tab back in to a news story and continue reading more easily where I left-off. Another reason is to help draw attention to each player (as these are primarily player-previews in essence.) With such formatting, I intend to draw attention to each players' section so that someone near the end might not get skipped-over. With these points made, I believe this kind of formatting also depends on the article.

4. Again, this makes it sound like you read only the first article, which I realize has thematic issues. I do think you're being a little unfair here, aside from that. The "metaphors" are to help readers build an idea of a player's style and strength. Again, (I believe) it adds a bit of spice to the writing to mix things up a bit. I'm not usually one to go full-out fantasy with my themes, I just thought it'd be nice to mix it in with an article or two. Keep things dynamic, you know? I don't think the sub-titles for each player are all that confusing; hopefully someone else will decide to read this thread and back either you or I up.

5. Ok, guilty of this. I should realize not everyone is a stickler for the proper use of grammar, and it's actually annoying to read over-use of punctuation.

6. I really don't understand this criticism.

7. I've written almost only previews, so there's not much I can elaborate on other than a player's style, unless I'm referring back to a very specific game's strategy. I've refrained from touching on anything too specific, though, as you're halfways correct; while I do believe that I've got a pretty good read on the game despite my in-game skill, my in-game skill is still what it is: Platinum. There's not much I can do about this other than get better at the game, though in terms of what I've actually written, I think I've done well in terms of touching on actual gameplay.

I do sincerely thank you for taking your time to read at least one article, and to give feedback. It does give me new perspectives from which I can look at my work. I think you're being quite unfair with most of your points, though. It'd be great if someone else could give their input as well to see if I'm just jaded or overly-defensive.
"What does Rivington do when he's not commentating?" "Drool." ~ Categorist
Xeris
Profile Blog Joined July 2005
Iran17695 Posts
August 28 2012 20:43 GMT
#6
Keep truckin Ced!
twitter.com/xerislight -- follow me~~
meteorskunk
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Canada546 Posts
August 28 2012 22:12 GMT
#7
Hey, Cedstick! Good job working on your writing. Maybe i can help you improve. I read “rising action” and “light vs esea round one”.

Rising Action:

The main weakness of the writing is the lack of connection, cohesion and purpose. The ideas are great but they’re presented with too little order, and its difficult to decide how ideas connect to an overarching theme. Likewise, on one hand It uses imagery to show the reader ideas but on the other hand it has specific information so the connections must be clear.

The piece would probably flow better if you connect it all together. I did an interpretation (sorta thing) of a portion where i tried to put the mood in my own words but make explicit what i thought was the implied logic of the piece to connect these things.

To begin with, I have trouble interpreting. “Rising action” . I think the writer connects “rising” and “action” to a theoretical line/dot graph of “time vs. amount of competition games”, where x, on the horizontal ,represents date, while y is “increase of competitive shit”. The subtitle, ”” A New Story Arcs for Light” i suppose means that tournament action will occur for team light, and this, the conspicuous exponential growth on the graph, will make a story to go with it. Like the recently made visible metaphorical sun on the horizon, an Arc of light is a sign hope for the success of team light.
The blazing fast hot summer is coming to an end but instead of marking an off season for team light, the upcoming autumn indicates an oncoming bout of competitive action for team light. You see, now that the heat has passed, so has the mirage of things blocking the true sun from team light’s view. With the heatwave now passed, Light stands “renewed and emboldened” by the autumn and the now unobstructed sight of their goals for success. It appears the calming of the light will allow Team Light to shine brighter. The “arc of light” looks promising.

The new autumnal mood of team light is methodical and determined as illustrated by the occurrences at Team Light Head Quarters. KawaiiRice practices with purpose. Instead of jumping right into a game on the ladder, he warms up his hands, he practices muscle-memory, he “cycles through his control groups” with his hotkeys.(what is the look on his face like?) He seeks vicious competition on the Korean servers, which are renowned for having a competitive, aggressive and cut throat master’s league. Tilea Flavil aka knight from team light also ladders at this moment. He is slightly lower on the ladder ,trailing his teammate Kawaiirice,(whose rank the writer implies is impressively high) by only a few points.
South of these two in California Sung Bin Lee aka Bingski is working, perhaps even more methodically. Bingski is focusing on specifics, practicing only Terran vs Terran, and only build orders at that. His practice regimen indicates he’s chosen not even to worry about tvp and tvz or playing against real players.

The protoss player, Caliber also has a clear method. He is using a covert, recon type approach to train. He is trying to stay hidden from his opponents while focusing specifically on the north American top players. He hides his identity, perhaps wanting to probe and prod opponents for information to use for later advantage. IF thats not good reason to look out forAdrian “KawaiiRice” Kwong, Sung Bin “Binski” Lee and Patrick “Calibre” Coury perhams their dynamic and dazzling in game playstyle is.
SO that is not as interesting to read as the one you wrote but i have put more order by forcing it into a more refined structure and forcing the ideas to connect to eachother. Also, some stuff when explained further was nothing special. Like, so what kawaii rice shuffles his hotkeys? THe image was determination discipline, and since it was midnight it was kind of dark and brooding, so i tried to expand it as that.

In my opinion a piece like this is strengthened by two things. The first part is the “whats”, the things you, Cedstick have an abundance of, the images, the exciting story . The second is the explanation of why and how these things are exciting. the one i wrote had an abundance of these. “Whats” are micro battles and whys are the overarching plan that go with the micro. “Whats” are like flesh, guts, blubber and organs and the whys are the skeleton.

The metaphors or “spice” as you call them ( you seem naturally to go for the “poetic devices”) ideally all connect to themselves. What I mean is the more ways that the object of your metaphor connects to the player, the more effective.

The Terran, Binski is compared to a shaman. The article explains that this is because he raises the positive “intangible” energies of his teammates. A shaman raises “spirits” of his or her tribe, sure but perhaps a bigger part of the archetype of the shaman is his radical connections to supernatural realms through the use of mind altering substances. He knows the species of the environment he’s in. Maybe that can be used. Maybe his game sense is crazy, maybe he has radical solutions to in game deficits and he thinks outside the box, maybe things magically go hiS way for seemingly unexplainable reasons, maybe he has an intuitive connection to his units and rarely lets them die needlessly, maybe he knows the whole terrain of the map like the back of his hand and it shows somehow. OH yeah and you said his attitude is really good... so just make that more clear..The point is, if you bring such a drastic idea in, you have to make it clear. The key is that the metaphor makes us think more deeply and imaginatively about his play style.


I like the similie comparing knight (the player) in a game of sc to a knight (with orbital armour) on the battlefield. His long ranged weapon forces his enemy to “maneuver”. Perhaps to continue the metaphor, when you say “he takes bases during this ranged attack” you could write “he uses this time smartly to gain position to hit his enemy with a “stun weapon” over the head in the form of a multi pronged attack, allowing him to gain a favourable position from which to strangle his opponent into gg with a chain. Not only is it a more useful expository tool, it makes the readers logical connections deeper.

A good question to ask is “what is the point and who is the reader.” I think the point is to portray that the team has some exciting stuff coming up and to portray how and why its exciting. Theres some good material but it has been completed

Light vs esea round one:

This article is a good source of information. It explains what Esea is, but it could given even more about how it is broadcasted and organized and what are its rules. You go over each match up individually, so its a good idea to just give a shopping list-like sentence where you list them out before going into them. That way the reader knows what to expect.

The general weakness of the piece is that all of the individual ideas are not exploted deeply. raw stats of maps and matchups. WE WANT INFO! Map pool, tvz on this map, prior meetings of players, exact amounts of success, exact playstyles (like you had in the article rising action). (remember to warn for spoilers but i personally think spoiling is cool..cuz people know what tournaments they are going to watch later so they can skip over..)

Punctuation looked pretty good. Tbh punctuation isn’t my strong suit. Speaking of “suit” its not “suite.” a suite (sweet) is a type of fancy hotel room.

You seem to know this but in the sentence “Every character has his guide through the rough; the person that keeps them going” you should have said the person that keeps him going so that the subjects agree in number.
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