K, so i've been reading every girl blog around, i actually like to read this little pieces of fellow TLers lifes. Now time has come for me to write my own girl blog. In my case there's no real problem, i'll explain next.
SETTING A friend pretty much arranged a date for me, 4 days from now. There's a party i'm invited, a girl is invited, and we are supposed to get introduced to each other.
MY PROBLEM I dont know what the fu** to do. I'm feeling a little ansious, maybe afraid, nervious, not bad but noticeable.
I guess im a regular guy, like 1.85m, workout sometimes (basket, jogging, rock climbing) and i guess with some little preparation i can look decent ( :S), still not overly confident.
Never been a *player*, i have a couple girl stories, a long relationship (bout 4 years), but actually no real *game*.
In uni i'm ussually around girls, i *guess* i dont look completely uncomfortable around girls .
Bottom line, i think i lack confidence. That's why im doing this even if it goes out terrible, i mean i have to start somewhere.
INTO THE QUESTION/ADVICE So im asking for a *plan*, a *build*, some guidelines, i know i'll have to adapt. I ussually do well in situations with some pressure (presentations, job interviews, when i used to play basket games OT was always fine for me, etc) and people has told me i always look confident (even if i dont feel like it).
My friends says i should a) introduce my self, b) have little chats (bounce, not be around her all the time), c) invite her to go buying something, talk, and finally, d) invite her for something in a few days.
Im asking for your advices in terms of this guidelines
In every GB i've read bottomline is always confidence. Like now, i know i have actually nothing to lose, but still feel anxiety. I guess at least in the beginning i'll have to fake confidence, and come with something prepared, dont know.
imo you should just treat it as meeting anyone else... just be yourself and act normally and in a nice and friendly manner. i don't understand why you should be wanting to ask this girl out when you haven't even met her
So im asking for a *plan*, a *build*, some guidelines, i know i'll have to adapt.
Here's your plan:
THERE IS NO PLAN
Plans are for people with goals and "accomplishments", you are meeting a person. It's an introduction, if you're thinking in terms following a rigid recipe (even with adaptation to the scenario), you're going to fail, you're going to be aiming too hard and you're going to give into your nervousness.
The idea of just talking is exactly that: talking. The result is whatever you feel towards the person, is she attractive. Is there something about her that interests you? Would you like to know more and just move from there. Anything else and you're just setting yourself up to be somewhere you might not necessarily be and then you'll end up comparing and that'll affect your confidence.
Don't let the idea that because your friends are setting you up to be introduced to her means 1. you must hit it off, 2. you must immediately introduce yourself. When you're ready and if she entices you, go ahead and approach her.
You're not looking to score a job and I assume you're not looking for sex. If you're looking to getting to know her more, show that by asking interesting questions and then when you hit a mutual interest or occupation, suggest you should do it sometime together.
That's really it. Wear comfortable clothes and just talk casually. Don't let these stupid social stigmatized rules dictate your behavior. There are no rules because there are no sets or types of people and even if there were, they work differently depending on the person they're interacting with, etc. In the end, if you need a confidence boost: you are at a party, get a drink.
Just do your best to relax. Meeting someone isn't a big deal. Talk to her a little, decide if it's anything you are interested in, if so ask her if she's available on X day (whatever you are free from work ect), for coffee/something small. If she says no, ask if you can call her sometime instead, if she says no, move on and have fun. if she says yes and you get her number/a date, thank her, and go spend time with friends.
Don't think you have an obligation to spend time with her or to ask her out. only do that if you actually feel like it.
it's simple, and really just talking to someone coherently like they are a human being and not a potential mate is more than enough to get even the shyest guys comfortable. and making the first move screams confidence. But again if you don't want it, move on. no big deal no one is going to get hurt.
You mentioned rock climbing as something you do - that's already a good date idea. For a date, choose something that you're proficient at - you can "show her the ropes".
On July 09 2012 14:25 Azzur wrote: You mentioned rock climbing as something you do - that's already a good date idea. For a date, choose something that you're proficient at - you can "show her the ropes".
Ugh i hate dates that involve strenuous exercise or that's distracting. I usually just do something simple, coffee, dinner/lunch, a walk somewhere pleasant. The whole point of a date is to get to know one another, not show off how proficient you are at something. That's needy. Don't try to impress her, just be normal and talk like a normal person. If she rejects you so what? Nothing was probably ever going to happen whether you were trying to impress her or not.
As for your situation, personally i'd just talk normally, ask some questions and get to know her a bit. Throw a few compliments/teases. Ask her out for a 1 on 1 at another time. Party 'dates' are atrocious.
If you are not a confident person, don't do planning for this kind of thing. Thinking about it in that detail will just cause anxiety (cause you can think of all the ways it won't go according to plan), which will make you less confident and make you come across worse. So the most productive preparation you can do is just try to remove expectations and judgement from it. The extent of your thinking about it should be "I'm probably going to meet up with this girl and it might turn out to be cool; we might really like each other, really click. And we might not and that's OK." And just do whatever dress or grooming etc. that makes you honestly feel the most confident and comfortable with yourself.
Then just try to be in the moment and take your cues from that, what feels right and what doesn't, without judging (don't let thoughts of "this isn't going well" or "this is going well, what now?" stick in your head at all, if they pop up, observe them for a second and just refocus on your surroundings or what she looks like or what she's saying or anything that's not in your head). If you practice not judging things (I mean I notice I judge so many things, like if I say something, I'm immediately thinking, "was that a good thing to say? or a bad one?" Don't do that, it's so anti-productive), it takes a lot of pressure off, cause even if nothing works out, you can get used to not judging yourself harshly and just saying, "hey, we didn't turn out to be a great fit, that's OK and it's for the best to move on to whatever's next." And it gets you more confident in the long run when you don't really internalize any negative consequences for one didn't quite click introduction.
Which is better an approach machine who tries to chat up chicks but is a retard and blows all his chances.
Or a nervous guy who has the balls to approach any girl and take her all the way.
ITS NORMAL TO BE NERVOUS. WE ARE HARD WIRED TO BE NERVOUS (well most of us anyway)
The best thing to do is to not wait. Don't give your body a chance to make you nervous, as soon as you see her walk straight up to her, smile and say hey!!!
Hope these helped.
Oh and if you want to continue seeing her, ask for her number right at the end, not at the beginning. And be nonchalant about it. And be like, hey maybe we can go for coffee or something sometime. But like don't organise a date, wait a couple of days and text or call be like "hey <name> im in X area wanna go grab a coffee?", be casual about it if she says no just be like "oh that's too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing you, maybe ill organise something tomorrow and you can hang out with my friends", even if you think she's rejecting it the worse thing you can do is be sour about it.
On July 09 2012 14:25 Azzur wrote: You mentioned rock climbing as something you do - that's already a good date idea. For a date, choose something that you're proficient at - you can "show her the ropes".
Ugh i hate dates that involve strenuous exercise or that's distracting. I usually just do something simple, coffee, dinner/lunch, a walk somewhere pleasant. The whole point of a date is to get to know one another, not show off how proficient you are at something. That's needy. Don't try to impress her, just be normal and talk like a normal person. If she rejects you so what? Nothing was probably ever going to happen whether you were trying to impress her or not.
As for your situation, personally i'd just talk normally, ask some questions and get to know her a bit. Throw a few compliments/teases. Ask her out for a 1 on 1 at another time. Party 'dates' are atrocious.
Depends. If you know her just a little and know you can talk without actually have any outside influence then a dinner is great. But if you don't know her that well or know that she is shy a date where you actually do something might be better. Gives you something to do and talk about which leads to more conversation. But I agree that you shouldn't be showing of you skills in an area - but it doesn't have to be showing of teaching someone else to rock climb.
To OP: Torte already pointed this out quite well. Be yourself and see what happens. You don't have to like this girl at all. You either find out she is great and want to know her better or you realize she is not your type. When you know which you know what "plan" to follow. All the advice you got are actually garbage. It might be the best advice in the universe but it can be way of. Depends on how you 2 hit it of. If you talk great together and you are both having fun and laughing why do you need to "bounce"? Why not just enjoy her company if she enjoy yours?
Have fun. Remember that being physical is one of the main basics for sexual attraction (don't she away from touching her).
Uberfast-tl;dr: Treat her like a male buddy that you're having fun with (this involves calling her out and busting her balls when it's appropriate. She's not some goddess just because she's female) and add some things that your wiener will tell you in time.
On July 09 2012 15:49 sluggaslamoo wrote: Oh and if you want to continue seeing her, ask for her number right at the end, not at the beginning. And be nonchalant about it. And be like, hey maybe we can go for coffee or something sometime. But like don't organise a date, wait a couple of days and text or call be like "hey <name> im in X area wanna go grab a coffee?", be casual about it if she says no just be like "oh that's too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing you, maybe ill organise something tomorrow and you can hang out with my friends", even if you think she's rejecting it the worse thing you can do is be sour about it.
lolol when i get a number i just text the same day/next day to try and set up a date. Works most of the time. Oh and why would you ever want her to hang out with your friends when both of you aren't serious?
Also the first video i stopped watching the moment he said 'to avoid rejection'. If anything you WANT rejection, so that you don't have to waste any more time on her. Sure it sucks but find another girl who is deserving of your time and attention. Second video was fine though, good message.
On July 09 2012 14:25 Azzur wrote: You mentioned rock climbing as something you do - that's already a good date idea. For a date, choose something that you're proficient at - you can "show her the ropes".
Ugh i hate dates that involve strenuous exercise or that's distracting. I usually just do something simple, coffee, dinner/lunch, a walk somewhere pleasant. The whole point of a date is to get to know one another, not show off how proficient you are at something. That's needy. Don't try to impress her, just be normal and talk like a normal person. If she rejects you so what? Nothing was probably ever going to happen whether you were trying to impress her or not.
As for your situation, personally i'd just talk normally, ask some questions and get to know her a bit. Throw a few compliments/teases. Ask her out for a 1 on 1 at another time. Party 'dates' are atrocious.
Depends. If you know her just a little and know you can talk without actually have any outside influence then a dinner is great. But if you don't know her that well or know that she is shy a date where you actually do something might be better. Gives you something to do and talk about which leads to more conversation. But I agree that you shouldn't be showing of you skills in an area - but it doesn't have to be showing of teaching someone else to rock climb.
My gripe is that dating is about getting to know one another and whether both of you fit into each other's lives. Something like rock climbing, go karting, or movies are fun but assessing relationship potential isn't really there (versus a casual meet up). Fun can always come later after the date =P
"Assessing relationship potential"? Do you plan on asking girls what job they have, how many guys they had sex with and if they plan to have kids within the next 3 years or not? =P
What you're talking about is basic screening. That can be done in any environment since it basically involves finding out how good you two "click" or not. Personally I'm no big fan of those "activity dates" either since I'm just too lazy to go through all the trouble for a single girl but they definitly have their place and benefits.
"I'm going rock climbing tomorrow, wanna come? I'll show you the... ropes." is baller as hell for sure. It also involves lots of physical interaction by it's very nature, being able to teach her stuff is also sexy. Afterwards you're definitly both relaxed and can go for a drink to cool down.
I think those types of dates are incredibly good if you don't want to make dating your hobby since so much of it comes natural without having to think about "Um.. um... what should I say/do next?"
Editeditedit: If you run into "HEY BRO THIS IS XY I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER NOW GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER" and then *AWKWARD SILENCE* - speak it out. Telling her if something feels awkward / that you're kind of nervous etc. usually means big bonus points. She will notice it anyway.
"This is kind of awkward." - "Yeah" - "Damn, you have the same shitty friends as I do I guess." =P
I guess im a regular guy, like 1.85m, workout sometimes (basket, jogging, rock climbing) and i guess with some little preparation i can look decent ( :S), still not overly confident.
Is the average man size in Chile 1.85m ? Very impressive.
I guess im a regular guy, like 1.85m, workout sometimes (basket, jogging, rock climbing) and i guess with some little preparation i can look decent ( :S), still not overly confident.
Is the average man size in Chile 1.85m ? Very impressive.
not really, he is taller than most people in Chile, i'd say the average size here is about 1.75m...
@Topic, dude just say: "hola, ¿cómo estai?... que estudias/haces? ... and go from there... other than that just have fun and act a little cocky.
1rax CC dude; Get there, get a drink in your hand and let it flow........You seem to be making yoruself nervous which is bad! Just get a drink, calm your nerves and you'll be alright!
it's all about creating a fun vibe, you kind of have to convince her that you are a fun person who she is lucky to be around. Some things I'd do/ wouldn't do :p :
- Don't have "little chats". If you are creating the vibe and then bounce, you have to start over when you talk to her again.
- In the first 15-30 mins you will probably have to do most of the talking. Silence for more than 10 seconds is bad, it's better to bring up something that might seem random than to have an awkward silence.
- Use routines (you don't seem to do this very often so I guess you don't have any routines yet :p). A routine is basically something fun that you can use every time you talk to a girl for the first time. There's probably a story you have told quite some times, that's also a routine. Use them now
- Use conversation threads. Travel is always a great topic. Just start by saying "Hey, X amount of time ago I was in place Y" then tell a cool/fun/interesting anecdote.
People are also always a great topic because girls love gossip. Doesn't have to be true, doesn't even have to be someone you know. All situational things are good. Also pick up on things she says and listen to her.
Future theme is also pretty good because it shows you have ambition, basically talk about what you would like to accomplish in life and then ask her about her goals.
Don't try to impress her with material things. Money, cool car, fancy bussiness card, ... doesn't work at all.
-Casually touch her, if you don't touch her all night you're gonna send mixed signals which is bad.
- Don't just go for a possible hang out in a couple of days. The farther you get on the first approach the easier things will be later on, goal should be at least getting her number and a kiss would be good. Don't ask for the number, just say 'Hey, we should go do something sometime" then give her your phone and say 'why don't you add your number". Asking is never good, always make it a natural flow of things.
- I never give girls basic info like name, job, age, ... until she asks about it. This is because if she starts asking these things, you know she's interested and you get the green light to escalate a little. Simple trick, but very handy because it can be hard to know whether she likes you or not. These questions are very predictable so you can practice your responses.
- Don't buy her drinks, a million guys before you have already tried to buy her attention with drinks. Rather offer to share your drink with one straw because "You don't want to get too drunk". Also don't hold her drink when she goes to the bathroom, you will stand there like an idiot for 5 minutes.
- Give her a compliment, but it shouldn't be a 100% compliment. Go like "At first I wasn't sure about you, but now I think you're a really fun person!". See what I did there? Don't give ehr the impression that you're like "OMG, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT HAVE MY BABIES". Never give 100% compliments, but also never ever do anything that insults her. It's ok to tease her, it's even necessary, but it always has to be light. No insulting ever even if it's said jokingly.
- Don't smile/laugh too much, don't lean in too often and don't give her way too much attention like some guys do. This all seems needy and desperate.
- Get a wingman! It's a lot more fun with a wingman and if you screw up or something unexpected happens he can help you out.
EPT
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