I wrote this two hours ago as the response to someone elses blog under the same title. They were whining that they had a crush, and everyone was complaining that it was a short and crappy girl blog. By the time I finished writing this, that blog must have been deleted, because its not here any more. This is written in second person for that reason.
** End Disclaimer **
You have no idea what the worst kind of crush is. You think that sitting in a class with someone you kinda think is a 7 or 8 while the rest of the class is a 6 is bad? You don't know whether you have a chance yet, because you haven't asked and it's not like you're really involved in this anyways, it's just a small fantasy you've got. You have no idea, man.
I'll tell you the worst kind of crush. You move to a new school. 8th grade. No real thoughts about girls other than not particularly interested in getting yourself wrapped up. They're trying to decide what math class to put you in, the advanced algebra or algebra 2, and as it turns out you're in algebra 1. No real biggy. But while seeing the algebra 2 class you notice Felicity. You don't really think about it at all, but she's in another one of your classes too. And in algebra 1 you're really bored, but whatever.
You're somewhat lonely the entire year. Never get into any real friendship circles, but for some reason everyone keeps going on about how cool you're hair is. You meet a bunch of people, identify the cliques, but everyone's already got their own group. You make "friends" but no one is really close. No one you can really talk to.
Remember Felicity? Yeah well you see her every day, and notice that she's really smart, studies hard and stuff. She's really cute too, but you don't notice that, you're in 8th grade. And you know what you value above pretty much all else? Intellect. Yah, it's nerdy, but that's what you think is cool.
So the year goes by and you have this life studies class. Stupid class doesn't teach anything. But they have these private journals where they ask a two personal questions every day or so, and you write down the answer in the journal. Or maybe they were regular questions and only one day they were personal, whatever. So one day the question is "If you had to marry someone, anyone, right now, who would it be?" Tough question. but it gets you thinking. Felicity is the smartest girl you know. Come to think of it she's not bad looking either. Out of all the people you know (you don't know anyone particularly well) she's the most likely to turn out to be someone you could live with. So you wirte down Felicity.
Next day the guy who sits next to you has clearly looked in your journal. Well fuck. You talk to him, he's like "your secret's safe with me." and you're like "it's not like that", but now you're thinking. Well yah, she's attractive. You like her more than all the other girls. But do you really want her?
So the dance comes, and you really kinda want to invite her, maybe, maybe no. Turns out you run out of time before deciding to ask her. We'll you'll try to ask her to dance sometime when you're there. You get to the dance, and do some solo dancing and everyone's like "Kirby!! you're so awesome at dancing!!! OMG!!" So now you're known for being good at dancing and your hair and being really good at algebra even though you're not in the algebra two class where you really should be with Felicity. So as the dance floor gets packed it kinda cramps your style, but you're looking for Felicity to dance with her. Someone else asks you to dance, and you dance for like 30 sec with her, but you've only got eyes for one girl, Felicity. You finally find Felicity and you ask her to dance, but she does the same thing to you that you did to the other girl. Oh well. then later the dance ends before anything else notable happens.
You want to let Felicity know you like her so you write a really nerdy cryptic love note involving math and graphing. You slip it into her stuff hoping she'll notice it later when she gets home, but she notice it and asks you (with a friend of hers) if you gave it and you awkwardly reply yeah, and she probably thinks its kinda creepy.
[It's getting really painful to write this, but I know you guys were looking for a legit girl blog, and this one didn't live up]
8th grade ends.
Now let me just mention your foolish conceptions of love. You think that if you love someone, you'll always keep loving them. You'll go at whatever the cost. You'll put their happiness above your happiness always. You think that persistance and kindness will win in the end. You never give up.
Freshman year. You've got no classes with Felicity first semester, but you still see her around. Homecoming is coming up. Alright, you're gonna have balls this time. No procrastinating (alright, a little, but you eventually man up). What's the worst that could happen? She says no? So you ask her one friday morning, "Hey, do you want to go to homecoming with me?" and she says, "Let me think about it." So that means theres a chance!
Monday morning you ask her, and she says "I'd rather go with my friends." FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK. This hurts, even like 5 years later when your writing this. Well, shit. You think you don't even want to go now. But your friend are like "You're so good at dancing! You have to go." so you go anyways, and dance by yourself.
Nothing happens again till second semester, now you're in Bio with her. Valentines day came up, you craft her something cute heart shaped using supplies you got in art class, and show it to no man. You give it to her, and she's just like thanks.
The rest of the year slips by.
Even these two years you still have no close friends. You've told literally no one about Felicity except her. All your feelings are stuck in there bottled up.
Sophomore year, you ask her to Homecoming again. This year she says that she's not going. Ahhh.... this sucks. Couldn't? nope. won't work. But maybe? nope. You still barely know much about her except that she's really smart, really attractive, and likes the white sox. You've never had any long conversations with her. But that seems normal to you because you've never had any long conversations with anyone. You barely know what she thinks of you except that she clearly doesn't want to dance with you. Does she think you're a creep? Nerdy? Ugly? She's never mean to you. But she never goes out of her way to talk to you either. You wonder if you would prefer if she faked liking you just because she felt bad for you. You can't decide if you would want it, but it doesn't matter because shes not going to anyways.
You also wouldn't care if you became "just friends" with her. You don't care about kissing her, or holding hands, or making sweet love. You just want to talk to her. Get to know her. More importantly, let her get to know you. Because you haven't let anyone really get to know you ever. No one's been that interested in you as far as you know.
So near the end of the year, you hear she's taking AP Psychology next year, so you put that in your schedule too. You have other reasons, and you use them all as an excuse to yourself, but you really just want to be in another class with her (You've been in about 1-2/year with her so far).
This is junior year now. No luck with the Psych, you're in a different section. Oh well.
You ask her to HC again, but this time she says "Oh, that so sweet. But Matt already asked me." And man, it boils inside. Sweet! It's not, sweet, it's bitter. Make you think of that candy sweettarts. But its way worse than sweet tarts. It's bittersweet with 5 parts bitter and 1 part sweet.
Fucking sucky year. This entire time you're one math class behind her. You're in geometry, she's in precalc. You're in calc, she's in AP Calc. Also, she has more friends than you. She has closer friends than you. She gets better grades than you. She probably has people whom she contacts in non-scholastic ways. What I mean here is that evn though you are in an extra-curricular activity after school pretty much every day of every year, you have no friends who will call you at home. or invite you to hang out on the weekends. Or do anything with you ever unless it's related to school or an extracurricular. You manage to ask your closest friend once or twice, but you're shy, and they say like maybe sometime or no or something like that and you never ask again.
So not only are you madly in love with Felicity, you're also jealous of her life. She has the ideal fantasy suburban life, complete even to the guy who is madly in love with her whom she pays no attension to her, while you're a socially depraved nerd, and you're not even as smart as her.
You heard someswhere that she's into theatre and stuff like that, or she did the musical one time. And since the swim team's schedule had sucked so much sophomore year (you shared the pool with another school every other week), you quit that last year and now you need something to eat up all your hour in the winter. So you decide to try out for the winter play.
She's not actually in the winter play, but it's pretty fun. But you know she will be in the musical that spring. So you make a decision. You quit track. You're gonna go to the musical. How do you know you're gonna make it? You have testicles. (there's a shortage of guys in this schools theatre). You've never really sung except two years choir when you were like 6. So you give up your lunch period, and join choir too. You get a pretty worthless part as a cowboy extra guy (one tiny scene where people are actually looking at you). So much for trying to impress her. Some freshman gets to be her brother. Well, he is better at acting than you, but fuck.
Nothing else happens of note that year. except that she apparently dated some guy who you respected for some unknown amount of time. (You are totally out of the loop, don't get any gossip). She might have dated Matt too. or Chris. You don't know, you just love her, you don't stalk her.
Senior year comes around. This year you don't ask her to HC. You join choir and Madrigals (a medeval singing group that sings christmas carols and the like) partly because you want to be with Felicity, partly because you actually like singing. And Madrigals is tough. Theres so many song to learn, and relearn, becasue you're a Bass and you're used to singing the melody line, which is completely different. And you never learned verses 2, 3 and 4. So you're not impressing her here either. Not only are you jealous that shes got more friends and smarter than you, but she's also better at singing. And she plays violin too. And piano. You play piano too, but shes better than you at that too.
Sometime this year nick, someone who never liked you, and for no reason too, who is a closer friend to Felicity than you even though he's generally a dick to pretty much everyone make fun of you for being so unsuccessful with her. You ask him who told him about that, and he says Felicity. Damn that hurts.
After a concert some time, you manage to be in a room alone with Felicity. You use this line "You are loved by me. I say that in passive voice because you are not the direct object of my love, but the subject." She thinks thats sweet too but gets out of there as fast as she can.
Later, before christmas break, you give her a book, because she likes reading. You give her this huge book, (very good, but huge) Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel, a book about 18th century wizards. You ask her about it after break, "Did you read it?" And she says she did and she liked it, but she obviously hasn't. That hurts.
You wonder what college she's going to. For some time it sound like she might go to U of I, the same college you're going to. You hope, for your sake that she doesn't go there because then you'll be hopeless in unrequited love for another four years because you're too dumb to snap out of it.
You do the spring musical again, this time getting a cooler part, as a dude who sings in fucking chinese. That shits hard. But you pull through. You even have a scene where you kiss another girl, but it's not Felicity, and it would be awkward, so you two decide to fake it. You ask her to prom, but who would've guessed, nope nope nope. You were still have hope that she would suddenly change, fucking fantasies in your mind diriving you crazy.
Prom come along, you try to have fun, and you dance your heart out (dancing is fun, and other people think you're good at it, so why not?). About mid way through you ask Felicity to come out and talk to her. She's a bit reluctant, but you say, relax, this isn't like that, so she comes. You talk about how you liked her in a very abbrevieated fasion, and say, goodbye, nice knowing you, and ask if she ever really graphed that first thing you gave to her back in 8th grade. She says nope. You say you'll graph it for her and give it to her at graduation.
At graduation, you follow through, graphing two parabola, and an absolute value as an inequality so that the inside is shaded in. Like this:
And that's the last you ever see of her.
Now you're finish up at 6 am what you started writing at 4 am about the worst four years of your life, which ended a year ago. On a slightly happier note, the first year of college was fucking awesome, but you're still mister forever alone.
TL;DR: That, my friends, is the worst kind of crush.
Edit: the original blog I was posting this to wasn't actually deleted, it's here.