EPTI'm not sure why, but somewhere in the mire of late nights and the blissful high that comes from video games my adventure started with this song...
Home at last, but what to do? Sending out resumes and calling potential bosses gets old when they really don't want you for some unknown reason. (I have asked myself this a few times in the recent years: does the red hair, being gay, having psoriasis on my hands, being fairly skinny and fair skinned, having freckles and purple under my eyes have anything to do with no one wanting to employ me?). They keep saying their managers are busy and that they'll call me back and I keep calling them...
Well, to waste some time I might as well play one big game of Civ3. I'll pick the French. They seem to be a decent overall productive civilization (workers work faster, your land produces more, etc.). I can just expand for the first bit, then sit back and play diplomacy until I get Musketeers. Then I can hold off until the industrial age.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/SKM9T.png)
Humble Beginnings
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/5GpmA.jpg)
Ah yes, there's the France of 1600 BC we've all gotten to know so well
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ul0Eu.jpg)
Our first meeting, yet he's already annoyed with me??
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/TuWix.jpg)
I don't really have enough of an army to repel any attacks, so I'll just play his game for now (somehow he has as much technology as me, more gold and his cities are filled with spear men)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/EAYhy.jpg)
Guess my people like a bully :\
So for the most part everything goes well, my tech keeps close behind the computers' (they seem to have a hidden bonus to research and feel free to trade among themselves) and luckily the territory I claimed early on has ample coal and iron to build factories and coal plants. After my little industrial revolution, I finally gain access to Infantry (defensive foot soldier with a gun, it's really the main unit of the industrial era except for the tank). Well, it strikes me at the last minute: Persia has neatly placed some cavalry by ship right next to my capital city, and they almost walked in and took the place! Well, that's ok. At least I have my own infantry and some railroads, I can build up a resistance. I have the Ironclad so I can deter any further invasions by sea.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/cuCo5.jpg)
Soon afterwards England and Russia join the fight against me. They aren't too strong so I should be able to hold them off at the sort of choke point to the south. But just to be safe, I think it's time I enlist in an ally at our western border, the Indians.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/InvMA.jpg)
In other news: Japan (red) from the far western island joins the fight against Russia (brown) and England (orange). England convinces Germany to finally seal his deep seated hate for me and declare war. The Iroquois (purple) declare war on us, though strangely this doesn't ignite anything between them and Japan.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/HHf63.jpg)
Artillery bombardment failed....becoming a far too common phrase in this game
Luckily both England and Russia ask for a truce, but I have different plans for them...This is a game of conquest after all. We're gonna go all the way. India and England sign a peace treaty, great.
Bombard, Click, Artillery bombardment failed. Bombard, Click, Artillery bombardment failed. Bombard, Click, Artillery bombardment failed....this is taking a long time. How many years has it been since the war began? How many cities have we conquered? I'm starting to get bored. But wait! Our scientists have discovered the secrets of Motorized Transportation (Tanks)! This could make the game a lot more volatile, and give me a faster way of conquering my enemies.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/VSiA9.png)
A tank with 16 attack still isn't good enough to beat an Infantry with 10 defense...
It's beginning to seem like my every action is insignificant, nothing seems to happen even as I send all my tanks into a town defended by an infantry which is still...alive...My territory has barely increased after...I can't even remember how many turns. How many hours has it been again? My nerves are becoming dulled from the monotony of the game...
At the same time it drives me crazy. Starting up the game always seems like a good idea: diplomacy, politics, conquering for resources and domination, trading with others, and building up a civilization. But the combat mechanics are frustrating and (seemingly) have a random element. And how does the computer always have warriors scouting the world when it's mathematically impossible to have them? And yet I can't stop...Midnight hits, I'm yawning and tired but my mind's racing. I really should try to get to sleep. Not like I do anything important during the night.
I lay in bed. An hour passes and no sleep comes, can't stop thinking. It's like a machine running against my will, rebounding whenever I hit a moment of silence. (If only I was this neurotic and obsessed when I needed to be, on a test or something). I guess I'll just get up and do some stuff for a bit. Then I'll be tired. I try reading for a while and go back to bed. Another hour goes by to no effect, but something draws me back to the computer.
3am...4am...5am...
Can't stop...clicking... must...keep...going.
I feel like a zombie. I have no idea why I keep going. As I'm writing this I feel like I may just keep going until 6 am...who knows. And by that point maybe I should just stay up the whole day so I can revert to normal faster. I don't know what to do. I start to pick away at my skin. The red blots of blood cells piling up on top of each other are getting more and more itchy.
It's the urge to annihilate the mind. As I play civ3 through the night, listening to the radio and other music, it's just not enough. (After I'm done with my porn ventures, the images manifest themselves in my head when I close my eyes. My brain maintains its neurotic, imperative behaviour of inundating my mind with images in the hopes that I'll like them.)
7am. The sun's rising. I feel like throwing up, I feel nauseous. Luckily by now my mind's been drained so much that the machine stops whirring. No more thoughts. I can fall asleep right away. Wait, what was I fighting all this time? Ah, Sweet dreams...
***
Tunnels. Trains. A sense of enemies all around. Even my old friends have turned against me now. I wander through the train station. There's a girl in a cavern pocket, in a dress and with tears in her eyes. She reveals a tortured face and yells at me, accusing me of going too far. I keep saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it won't appeal to her. Almost awake. Keep going. There's an old friend, Sasha, he's standing on the train tracks ready to be taken away. But it's me that's going away...They're taking me away...They've got me by the arms, dragging my boots through the mud. I'm going away to the forest, away from the people
And yet...there's something so great about the game. Control territory, act as a great leader throughout all the ages of history. I'll have my own little island to myself. I can hide out. Nobody will bother me and I can live my own life. I can build the empire I've always wanted. I can have all the control in the world and there's none of this strange feeling of guilt in real life.
To go with my nauseous civ3 ventures, I could use some cheap and light-headed comedy. (when I play civ3 I need something to entertain me. I know that sounds at the least weird)
Watch the volume on this one
Sort of a ... different form of humour
Sort of a ... different form of humour
And this one
The great Howard Stern. I'd heard of him before but never actually listened to his radio show. He's supposed to be the king of all media (lol). Lately his show has gotten weak, like a black tea that's been in too much water for too long.
Sal and Richard are really the only thing worth listening to on the show after Artie was fired/left, and Robin remains annoying.
Neat fact: between 1990 and 2004, the FCC issued fines totaling $2.5 million to radio licensees for airing indecent material from The Howard Stern Show, the highest amount of any American radio show.
The trick is to think like the prank calls are real calls, I guess. I think it's funnier as you listen along and develop an understanding of who everyone is: see the talking Yankees guy is this nerd who bought time to have his own public access TV show and he's determined to keep the show going no matter what, and...
Enough... No more playing Civ3. It always ends up in extreme boredom and the urge to play only seems to be fueled by the game's addictive nature. No more of these prank calls and youtube poop. Starting tomorrow morning I'm going to be a real straight shooter...
I'm in a complex or some corporate office attached to an underground facility. Strange, seems I've been here before. I walk through the sliding doors and approach a baggage check. they waive me in, i get to the inside. Ok. I'm inside, now what. I sneak around, reach some closet with bunks and a cabinet. They taught me sexual tricks, I took advantage of others, they didn't seem to mind. We were sort of rebels, but I left her there. I can remember the feel of her soft clothing.
...And so quickly does midnight come again, and here I am listening to coast to coast AM. I discovered it one night while bored, searching the AM airwaves when I was a kid. Ghost stories, UFO sightings, Conspiracies: the subject matter was all too adrenal for an 8 year old who should really be sleeping. I used to love listening to this at night and hide under my blankets, too scared to even turn off the radio. Ah, those Friday night open lines, you can expect to hear just about anything, and most often some pretty good ghost stories. The show gave me a sense of intimacy, like a voice keeping me company through the night. Time for a glass of gin to bring me back to warmth.
huh...
well, that's...better
...And why can't I write like I used to. Why is my mind so dull and my body becoming so listless? Why did i drink so much that one night...
It comes back easily. That night of my 9th grade birthday party (I don't really keep track of my age from my school years) it was my first and last venture into feeling free and drunk. I was lucky enough to have my parents go out for dinner and a movie, so I'd have the place to myself and three friends for several hours. Little did I know my friends had called four girls to come over and brought some alcohol.
I thought since it's my birthday and I'm growing up I might as well have something to drink. And while everyone else is drinking, maybe I can let loose a bit, really enjoy life. A few shots of vodka later I discover I'm not even close to drunk, and the urge to test my limits comes over me. About 14 shots of vodka later I'm pretty drunk, lying in bed with a girl. I look at her and she looks at me and she gets up, leaves. I go over and talk to the girl putting pins in my piano's speakers. She used to have a crush on me and I completely avoided her for someone else. As the night goes on I find she gave up a long time ago. All I had to show for the night was a mild hangover.
Something about this song makes me feel nostalgic. Maybe it's the synth, or the vocals. It reminds me of the nights I spent lying in bed listening to the radio. Back in high school I was always at war with myself. I spent countless nights just being nervous about the outside world. Ah, the question "why me". Couldn't I be something different...why do I have to be gay? Why did it have to be me... It seems like I've gone too far in trying to make myself straight, as if my mind has mutated so fundamentally to the point of hopelessness. Why does life feel so pointless? Well I have the answer (I have all along), but why do I stay frozen?
Still I wonder what to do and about this empty feeling keeping me up at night. A can of beer will do. Anything to dull my mind, to escape for the night.
I close IRC, scroll down the page, and without thinking rejoin IRC...I guess I just need one more check. There's usually something good happening on TL...maybe I can busy my mind. David Kim seems to have some interesting opinions on the balance of the game. Some controversy is always popping up on TeamLiquid. Maybe I'll argue on the forums, try to rouse people from their dogmatic slumbers.
Just spam refresh again and again...
Internet goes down for a minute, and I hit refresh again.
Part of the problem is the difficulty I now have while breathing in bed. I can't fall asleep while lying on my back, so I have to sleep on my side. Then whichever nostril is opposite my pillow is the only one working, so I shift to the other side and realize my jaw is being rammed against my neck so I tilt my head up, and the night goes on...
I can't breathe. My teeth are starting to shatter from the pressure of being clenched for so long. I've got to keep them in, they keep falling out in pieces. I put them on a napkin, a red bulbous fruit with a green stem comes out, many others join it. A whole tooth falls out, I run downstairs to get dad. He can't figure out what's wrong. I'm screaming at him trying to say the words but my mouth is overflowed trying to keep the shards of teeth inside. I'm in bed, my jaw hurts, I'm waking up...thank god I still have my teeth
Sometimes you're better off dead
There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head
You think you're mad, too unstable
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables
There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head
You think you're mad, too unstable
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables
Maybe pulling an all nighter will do the trick. Then again what do I have to stay awake for? Life seems so grey and bleak even when I have no stress at all. I'm so sick of waking up at 3 in the afternoon, only seeing the sunlight for a pittance of time.
Our enemies are violent. They control everything: the transit, the air quality, it's all tied up in their hands and they watch all that goes. Time to change things. I walk through the plastic tubes we use these days to get around. There are others in white uniforms, some in brown. There's a strange stench coming from further ahead...I wonder...I quicken my pace, I'm approaching the terminal used to get outside. There's an exit! Thank god, the one chance I've been waiting for. How I can taste the real air outside...There are guards around but the wanderlust is too much. Officers appear to be sealing up the burning tunnel, now's my chance! I dash across the cylinder to make a jump, but suddenly I'm on the dewy grass outside. I look up above. The clear blue sky lends more feeling than any painting I'd ever seen. The concrete towers overlook a dusty city with streets and cars, but everywhere abandoned. What happened? Hmm. I have a chance to go back. My mind looks over the entire dream and suddenly I'm teleported to the inside again...why'd I come back?? They're after me, and I'm going away for good. Men rushing along the halls. My uncle asks me if I want to be good, and I decline. I'm suffocating...can't breathe...all I can see is white...stuffy...plastic...feathers. I taste the bed sheets and realize I'm awake.
Next Morning (afternoon really)
Why do I do it. I get up...I get down...All in one day, I'm finally free in the waking hours of the morning and when I wake I'm back to my normative self. Only a few hours to dinner. "Burgers are ready!". Well, might as well have a beer with dinner. I can feel relaxed. First time I really have relaxed since school began... too bad it's only from a drink. How much longer can I really do this? I play the discussion game with my parents until we realize it's gotten late. But the day's only begun. I haven't accomplished anything, so how can I go to sleep?
As long as I've got some more free time, I might as well see what I can make of Starcraft. Last season I hit somewhere in the top 20 of master's. Might as well play a few games and just get back to that spot.
(Insert montage of massive amount of games being played, some wins, some losses) 100-103 is my record after 4 days of playing, with ~8 game losing streaks happening every day. Still at rank 55, making some of the worst mistakes I've ever made, I feel like all my wins are because the opponent was just terrible.
I lose TvP several times in a row and decide Protoss is just a good race, so I might as well switch and win some games. First match I get is a PvT and I end up losing to some early bio push. I decide to switch back to Terran, but lose three games to Zerg. Well, I guess I can switch to Zerg, and what happens? I get a ZvT and the Terran wins with a midgame tank push. It's almost like blizzard knows, and just sets me up for the blunt truth that I suck. Well, I shouldn't just give up after one game...So the next match (ZvT) I end up losing late game, even though I had infestor/brood/corrupter.
It almost seems like I've never played this or any RTS game in my life. Losing to diamonds, even Platinums...I thought I used to be good. No...it must be everyone else. All the diamond and platinum players simply got a lot better this season, as good as the rest of masters...Yes...That has to be it.
***
I think this is the end of the dream...I can feel my mind relaxing. Yet I can't figure out why I'm so unhappy with life, it's so unfulfilling. I stay up until 6 am just playing mass games and hoping it'll all disappear. Maybe I should just take the advice of others and live life freely, not caring if I'm condemned by other people. There's something so magical about staying up until the sun rises, and falling asleep to the birds singing. Time to log off.
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill
I've got random pains shooting up my body (mostly my chest), my brain feels the popping of stress and my emotions go from a super high to depression every day. Where is my addiction? It now has moved to alcohol. No longer could I keep it thirsting for computer games, only alcohol can bring me to that place now. I wince and clench my teeth in efforts not to lose my mind. I can feel it taking over: a climate of inebriation keeps my mind stultified.
Should I ditch my anti-world of Warcraft mantra? If I could get attached to the game rather than drugs, I might save at least my liver if not my brain cells. Yet my back aches, my mind aches. Nothing quite compares to that liquid.
I'm spending every living minute on screens. All I see is light and flashing images. Entering the gates of delirium: Wake up. Computer. Get orange juice. Barely notice the sun set. Have a meal or two a day. Back to computer. See the sun rise before sleep. I check TL every day, but I wonder how many times I refresh the page just to see if anything new has happened? I feel like my brain's hard wiring has been altered so fundamentally by myself in the last decade. I'm bringing myself closer to the edge every day.
I've sympathized a lot with Nony since I learned about his depression. He describes the spontaneity and indomitable nature of the condition quite adequately. It's always just come out of the blue, like a light switch turning off inside your head, and for the whole day it's raining. It's raining outside and there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps I was too confident in my ability to self-regulate: long ago I was prescribed medication for depression and decided I'd rather reinvent my life using cognition and behaviour. It seems an impossible task to counter the depression with mere mental tricks. Through all his challenges Nony is still an incredibly positive and good-natured guy.
Day and night: I'm indifferent to them. The air in my room is stale, the food has no taste. I struggle to keep an appetite and not throw up each time I eat. I glanced at the mirror after going to the washroom today: my eyes are stark, blank and bloodshot red, under them lie a purple sunset of dry skin. My face is pale and twitches with anxiety. My body is skinny and limp with bare muscle strength. I'm so tired.
Midnight. That unknown level of darkness where you've spent an entire day inside during the middle of winter. It's dimentious...All I can feel is that connection with the computer. I'm looking at TeamLiquid.net. I can see the screen. I notice brief glimpses in a Starcraft game. I've been playing for so long. There are no keyboards, mice, or headphones. I am directly connected to the computer. Rally. Defend. Analyze. Attack. Repeat. Units moving. Building units. Mining minerals. Build SCVs. Fight. Defeat the enemy (Who is my enemy?). Counter actions against me (What have I become?).
Jump! We're here at last. Take a look from the cliff to a sea of emotion and live life. Jump. Take a risk. What have you got to lose, it's time for a new start. I shook my head and smiled a whisper, knowing all about the place. On the hill we viewed the silence of the valley. Called to witness cycles only of the past. And we reach all this with movements in between the said remark. Just make it through the chills, make it through the night.
I look back on my life. Something inside me has faded. I go to lie in bed, I breathe out. It's all over. The nightmare is over. Peace at last. No more addiction, need or lust. All is satisfied. I disappear into a canopy of dreams.
Close to the edge, down by the river
Down at the end, round by the corner
Seasons will pass you by
Now that it's all over and done
Called to the seed, right to the sun
Now that you find, now that you're whole
Seasons will pass you by
Down at the end, round by the corner
Seasons will pass you by
Now that it's all over and done
Called to the seed, right to the sun
Now that you find, now that you're whole
Seasons will pass you by
***
The past few months have been a drunken haze. My mind's been mixed up in a delirium of sensory bombardment and dulling. I hope I can make it through to the end of this. Everything has to come to an end, right? It's a bit typical of my life: I feel like I've been through an adventure while barely doing a thing.
Today marks the end of this destitute life. I walk downstairs, put on my shoes, and step out the door. A fresh breath of air in the spring never felt better.
