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Hey TL! I figured since TL seems to know the answer for everything there is to know that I might as well give it a shot to ask my question.
Overall, I consider myself to be a decent fellow. I currently attend a university and have a healthy amount of friends. I pride myself in being good at certain hobbies such as music and starcraft (I'm masta league, wat now bish). I also work out. + Show Spoiler + Although SC is the game for men and lifting probably also helps manliness, I'm just not feeling it. I feel as if I'm still a teenage kid. I'm also not saying that I am immature, I'm just saying that I don't feel like that solid pillar that can stand its own when everything goes to hell. I don't feel as if I have my own combat shield of self-respect nor an aura of confidence. You know, that sorta thing.
What's the best way to approach this problem? I have been considering reading some self-help books or acquiring the aid of a psychologist. <tangent> This might sound like an excuse, but I never really had that fatherly figure in my life. I sort of blame a significant portion on that fact alone. </tangent> So TL, I am asking for your aid - ¿wat do i do?
Thanks. My bad if it seems a little vague - I can clarify if needed.
 
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I don't think you have a problem. At all. Almost nobody can stand alone when everything goes to hell, and nobody is a pillar in and of him- or herself. You attend university, and enjoy it, you work out and you have friends to hang out with. Where exactly is your problem? You are human, and your life will never be perfect. The testosterone won't magically turn you into the manly beast you see in the deodorant ads once you hit 22, because those are not real.
You blame how you feel on your lack of father figure, but I have never experienced anything but love from my parents who have stood together since I was born, and I am one of the most fragile human beings I know of. I think your problem is that you blame your father who you felt was inadequate when you grew up, and so you have magnified something which isn't really a problem for you and put the blame on him.
Also, whenever I think of self-help books, I remember the ending of "American Beauty" and get slightly scared. I also don't really think you need a shrink unless you really want to chuck some money at a guy with a degree.
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Sounds you are in master league in life, now that alone doesn't mean everything is perfect and i guess it never will be. I would say rather than learning to rely on yourself you should learn to rely on others, which is exactly what might have not happened since your dad wasn't there. Just a noobs advice though but I'm giving it since you asked 
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I don't think you'll ever get that IRL achievement of "Became a Man" until you realize you've been one for awhile, which would probably require you do something like buy a house, get a phenomenal job or have a kid (something that is like a slap in the face with a card saying "you're a man"). You are probably a man before that, but it probably won't hit you until you're past a certain point where you're like "oh shit, I've been a man for awhile"
So unless you got a girl pregnant and are running from it, then you probably don't have anything to worry about yet.
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On May 14 2012 05:00 DerNebel wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
I don't think you have a problem. At all. Almost nobody can stand alone when everything goes to hell, and nobody is a pillar in and of him- or herself. You attend university, and enjoy it, you work out and you have friends to hang out with. Where exactly is your problem? You are human, and your life will never be perfect. The testosterone won't magically turn you into the manly beast you see in the deodorant ads once you hit 22, because those are not real.
You blame how you feel on your lack of father figure, but I have never experienced anything but love from my parents who have stood together since I was born, and I am one of the most fragile human beings I know of. I think your problem is that you blame your father who you felt was inadequate when you grew up, and so you have magnified something which isn't really a problem for you and put the blame on him.
Also, whenever I think of self-help books, I remember the ending of "American Beauty" and get slightly scared. I also don't really think you need a shrink unless you really want to chuck some money at a guy with a degree.
Thanks. It's not quite the fact that my father was inadequate, it was that he passed away when I was in middle school. I guess I should have been a little more clear about that. But I get what you're saying - maybe I am making it too big of a deal when it really isn't. After all, my mother gave me all the love that I could ever need (Happy Mother's Day!). American Beauty sounds like an interesting movie - i'll probably watch it another weekend.
On May 14 2012 05:06 nttea wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Sounds you are in master league in life, now that alone doesn't mean everything is perfect and i guess it never will be. I would say rather than learning to rely on yourself you should learn to rely on others, which is exactly what might have not happened since your dad wasn't there. Just a noobs advice though but I'm giving it since you asked
haha thanks. Yeah it's important for me not to only rely on myself. I'll be sure to keep that master league advice in mind!
On May 14 2012 05:11 Sprungjeezy wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
I don't think you'll ever get that IRL achievement of "Became a Man" until you realize you've been one for awhile, which would probably require you do something like buy a house, get a phenomenal job or have a kid (something that is like a slap in the face with a card saying "you're a man"). You are probably a man before that, but it probably won't hit you until you're past a certain point where you're like "oh shit, I've been a man for awhile"
So unless you got a girl pregnant and are running from it, then you probably don't have anything to worry about yet.
lol, speaking of girl pregnancy, some of these girl blogs in TL scare the hell out of me. That's an interesting point though, maybe I have been one for a while now... I have a tendency to think of everything as a light switch that goes on and off. Looking forward to getting that achievement
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The question is : "Why do you need to feel like a man?" Lack of feeling less of a man is strange to me, are strong muscles and being good at starcraft more man to you than someone who isnt? I don't get your intentions nor your view on manliness.
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On May 14 2012 05:21 StiX wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
The question is : "Why do you need to feel like a man?" Lack of feeling less of a man is strange to me, are strong muscles and being good at starcraft more man to you than someone who isnt? I don't get your intentions nor your view on manliness.
Nah, not really the big muscles nor being good at starcraft (altho I wouldn't mind either). Basically, I feel as if I'm lacking in my mentality. I don't want to give a specific example in fear that it might become the central topic of discussion but here we go: whenever a big decision comes my way, I usually spend too much time pondering about the possible outcomes and maybe even trying to avoid that entire situation altogether. You know, stuff like that.
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On May 14 2012 05:29 oPPRoBe wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2012 05:21 StiX wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
The question is : "Why do you need to feel like a man?" Lack of feeling less of a man is strange to me, are strong muscles and being good at starcraft more man to you than someone who isnt? I don't get your intentions nor your view on manliness.
Nah, not really the big muscles nor being good at starcraft (altho I wouldn't mind either). Basically, I feel as if I'm lacking in my mentality. I don't want to give a specific example in fear that it might become the central topic of discussion but here we go: whenever a big decision comes my way, I usually spend too much time pondering about the possible outcomes and maybe even trying to avoid that entire situation altogether. You know, stuff like that.
Well, maybe you should invest time in thinking/discussing questionable subjects and try to come to a solution/opinion.. I really like doing it and I think it readies you whenever you're challenged with something difficult.
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On May 14 2012 05:30 StiX wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On May 14 2012 05:29 oPPRoBe wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2012 05:21 StiX wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
The question is : "Why do you need to feel like a man?" Lack of feeling less of a man is strange to me, are strong muscles and being good at starcraft more man to you than someone who isnt? I don't get your intentions nor your view on manliness.
Nah, not really the big muscles nor being good at starcraft (altho I wouldn't mind either). Basically, I feel as if I'm lacking in my mentality. I don't want to give a specific example in fear that it might become the central topic of discussion but here we go: whenever a big decision comes my way, I usually spend too much time pondering about the possible outcomes and maybe even trying to avoid that entire situation altogether. You know, stuff like that. Well, maybe you should invest time in thinking/discussing questionable subjects and try to come to a solution/opinion.. I really like doing it and I think it readies you whenever you're challenged with something difficult.
Hm, such a simple yet elegant solution. Thanks, can't believe I haven't really thought of that. I'm sure It's a lot easier said than done...
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You're a man when you take care of and provide for more people than just yourself, and when you get done the things that need to get done. Being a man isn't about being good at things or working out or anything. It's about confronting what you need to and dealing with situations as they arise.
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In my personal opinion (and probably that of some others as well), being a 'man' is about knowing your responsibilities, and not running away from them. You take everything with a headstrong attitude and you never show fear. You don't gossip, you tell people what you think of them, or their actions, to their face. You never dishonor the elderly. You help others where help is needed. You must never act selfish and do things for the sole purpose of fulfulling your own goals at the expense of others.
Work on enriching the lives of others, and your life will truely be a rich one. Respect is gained, not given.
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Norway28731 Posts
From reading your post and attempting to psychoanalyze you based on 2-3 paragraphs worth of information you revealed about yourself, I present you with my conclusions. Following these there will be a section on how to improve oneself - not necessarily geared towards you.
Firstly, you have all the necessary prerequisites for being a good man. You already possess the golden trifecta of self-awareness-building abilities; you are intelligent, you have integrity, and you genuinely want to be as good of a person as you can be. While you have experienced some strife through your life, you've been blessed with the gift of confidence, and you are capable of feeling and sharing love - even if you have yet to find an outlet for said love that you think has any permanency.
Going further, you have a longing for publicly proving yourself - steming from a combination of regretting past inaction, confidence in your current ability, and desire for props. While this type of vanity can sometimes turn unhealthy, (e.g. vanity is the natural breeding ground of dishonesty), you are not in threat of this happening, because you have received a healthy amount of compliments during your upbringing, and because you are generally successful at whatever quests you embark upon. You have however, as a young adult, recently passed through the stage of "less compliments given", and you miss this, even if you have not consciously thought or expressed this longing. I hope the previous barrage of compliments can help alleviate this problem. :-)
As for how to further better yourself, it is as simple and difficult as; consciously make the effort to think about what qualities in a person you find desireable in various situations, and seek to mimic that behavior if similar situations arise. You are not good or bad. You act in good or bad ways. Role models can be found anywhere, and while having an absent dad robs you of the experience of the ubiquitous mentor, it also frees you from involuntary influence. In many ways, you are more free to "choose who you want to be" than most people are.
Closing out, our generation is blessed in many ways. But for all the wonders brought by the internet, it also brings the curse of inadequacy. Now that we are constantly interconnected, we are no longer measured on the local playground, but on a global scale. That's some pretty tough competition - and constantly being surrounded by obvious superiors can be a too-humbling experience. Find reasonable goals, and be happy with what you accomplish.
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What you're wanting to achieve is an utter bullshit fantasy of what being a man involve. It's the male version of female obsession with appearance and hollywood-beauty. Completely unattainable perfection.
That being said we all wish we could be that strong awesome man. Go re-read "to kill a mockingbird". Atticus is the most manly man ever. Ultimately it's just about being deliberate and wise in your judgements and having an iron-hard moral scope. Also a willingness to defend those who can't defend themselves. You still experience the full gamut of human emotion but you're more IN CONTROL. You can be sad or depressed or whatever, but ultimately you have to MAN up and accept what is happening around you or fight it. Being unafraid to go to others for help is also the sign of a wise and strong man.
Basically if you have strong values and you stick to them then you should be proud in who you are and feel a strength from those values. You become more then just yourself as you become also a set of honourable values and ideals which make you a MAN.
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Go through hell.
The harder the tribulation, if you can make it out, the stronger of a person you'll be.
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On May 14 2012 05:53 Cycle wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
You're a man when you take care of and provide for more people than just yourself, and when you get done the things that need to get done. Being a man isn't about being good at things or working out or anything. It's about confronting what you need to and dealing with situations as they arise.
Noted.
On May 14 2012 06:42 SCVonSteroids wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
In my personal opinion (and probably that of some others as well), being a 'man' is about knowing your responsibilities, and not running away from them. You take everything with a headstrong attitude and you never show fear. You don't gossip, you tell people what you think of them, or their actions, to their face. You never dishonor the elderly. You help others where help is needed. You must never act selfish and do things for the sole purpose of fulfulling your own goals at the expense of others.
Work on enriching the lives of others, and your life will truely be a rich one. Respect is gained, not given.
I definitely can work on all the aspects that you have mentioned. Seems a little too big of a goal for me to proceed towards but I guess I can start somewhere.
On May 14 2012 07:45 Liquid`Drone wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
From reading your post and attempting to psychoanalyze you based on 2-3 paragraphs worth of information you revealed about yourself, I present you with my conclusions. Following these there will be a section on how to improve oneself - not necessarily geared towards you.
Firstly, you have all the necessary prerequisites for being a good man. You already possess the golden trifecta of self-awareness-building abilities; you are intelligent, you have integrity, and you genuinely want to be as good of a person as you can be. While you have experienced some strife through your life, you've been blessed with the gift of confidence, and you are capable of feeling and sharing love - even if you have yet to find an outlet for said love that you think has any permanency.
Going further, you have a longing for publicly proving yourself - steming from a combination of regretting past inaction, confidence in your current ability, and desire for props. While this type of vanity can sometimes turn unhealthy, (e.g. vanity is the natural breeding ground of dishonesty), you are not in threat of this happening, because you have received a healthy amount of compliments during your upbringing, and because you are generally successful at whatever quests you embark upon. You have however, as a young adult, recently passed through the stage of "less compliments given", and you miss this, even if you have not consciously thought or expressed this longing. I hope the previous barrage of compliments can help alleviate this problem. :-)
As for how to further better yourself, it is as simple and difficult as; consciously make the effort to think about what qualities in a person you find desireable in various situations, and seek to mimic that behavior if similar situations arise. You are not good or bad. You act in good or bad ways. Role models can be found anywhere, and while having an absent dad robs you of the experience of the ubiquitous mentor, it also frees you from involuntary influence. In many ways, you are more free to "choose who you want to be" than most people are.
Closing out, our generation is blessed in many ways. But for all the wonders brought by the internet, it also brings the curse of inadequacy. Now that we are constantly interconnected, we are no longer measured on the local playground, but on a global scale. That's some pretty tough competition - and constantly being surrounded by obvious superiors can be a too-humbling experience. Find reasonable goals, and be happy with what you accomplish.
Wow...lol. Read like an open book. I'm kind of curious now - is there any way for me to learn this psychoanalysis thing on my own and/or does it require years of work, maybe in the form of a graduate degree? Anyways, that's aside from the point. I really appreciate your words and I will take them to heart. It is nice knowing the positive viewpoint of an event that I am accustomed to view so negatively. I think I feel that much better now, thanks!
On May 14 2012 08:39 PiGStarcraft wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
What you're wanting to achieve is an utter bullshit fantasy of what being a man involve. It's the male version of female obsession with appearance and hollywood-beauty. Completely unattainable perfection.
That being said we all wish we could be that strong awesome man. Go re-read "to kill a mockingbird". Atticus is the most manly man ever. Ultimately it's just about being deliberate and wise in your judgements and having an iron-hard moral scope. Also a willingness to defend those who can't defend themselves. You still experience the full gamut of human emotion but you're more IN CONTROL. You can be sad or depressed or whatever, but ultimately you have to MAN up and accept what is happening around you or fight it. Being unafraid to go to others for help is also the sign of a wise and strong man.
Basically if you have strong values and you stick to them then you should be proud in who you are and feel a strength from those values. You become more then just yourself as you become also a set of honourable values and ideals which make you a MAN.
Well, I guess I should find a way to mature more so I don't make those "utter bullshit fantas[ies]." Ouch. I do think that I know what you mean though; maybe I need to be a lot less idealistic and more a man of action. We'll see what happens.
On May 14 2012 09:02 Sacrieur wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
Go through hell.
The harder the tribulation, if you can make it out, the stronger of a person you'll be.
Eghhh, I might have not been through hell but I caught a glimpse of it. If at all possible, I'd rather take a path far from it. You're right though, it does make you stronger.
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I recognize a lot of the feelings you are describing as a cultural shift that has left men in the US much less manly than they used to be. If you want to feel like more of a man, you need to be one. That means doing manly stuff like chopping wood, and fixing shit. I have found a lot of useful ideas on this website: http://artofmanliness.com Start with the 30 days to a better man challenge. It will change your life. In a month. Do it.
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A lot of true words in this thread. I always think of myself as a little child who just can't be the same strong and awesome man that my dad is. I guess it won't ever end until I built a house, have a child, wrote a book and planted a tree.
I want to second Terranasaur. artofmanliness is a great site. You might try several things they suggest or read one or the other article and after a while you'll notice that you started to reflecting your actions from another point of view. It won't change your life, maybe you won't even like their advices but give it a try.
For me it's the little things over the course of several years that add up and make you feel manlier. Remember the times when you could not tie a tie yourself? Did you ever change the tires of a car without help? I'm sure you pushed some limits in sports but being honest did you ever need to push a bit further than the limit, ending up with days of exhaustion?
I do not believe that those things make you a man but for a small moment you may see the man in yourself knowing that there is more in you than you might be feel.
For me... I just started to shave with a straight razor which takes a long time because I don't want to cut my throat but wow it is an amazing feeling.
edit: I guess I have to agree to Terranasaur again regarding a cultural shift. You'll never need to shave like your granddad because today you're basically shaven the moment you enter the bathroom. How long does it take with a machine? 30sec?
You can buy all the wood on the world without having an idea who chopped it and how exhausted he was after 8 hours of that work. You do not even need to think about what a man is because 10000000 books want to be bought promising they have the right answer (which is 42 obviously).
Maybe... go outside sit down on a tree or at a river, take no mobile phone, no clock, no whatever needs energy to run with you, grab yourself a pencil and a paper and write down what you think is "manly". When you're home again... start doing it.
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EPT
