Distressed Pleasantries

Are you nice to others? I think most of us are. While I sometimes wonder if humans are inherently good or evil, I still think that most of us try and want to be genuinely good to others. But there's a caveat. It's easy to be perfectly pleasant when you yourself are having a dandy day, but things change quickly when your day goes south. In difficult times, many people become sour and unpleasant towards the very people they'd normally be nice to.

I've found that most people become sour, irate, and terse when they themselves are under the gun, or are having a bad day. They take their own irritation and frustration, put it into their mental meat-grinder, and throw the remnants right at another guy's face. When they're in a rut, they no longer have the patience for pleasantries. The ugliness shows its face. It's a time when you can see one of the true elements of the person[1].

We all have bad days. There's really no realistic way to avoid them. The difference is whether we decide to stop the misery at ourselves, or decide to spread it further. It takes determination to say to ourselves:

"My day has sucked, I feel terrible, my boss just ripped me a new one. But I refuse to take it out on anyone else. Not my team, my friends, my wife, or my dog."

But of course, such things are not easy. Actually, I'd say it's ridiculously hard to (1) realize that you yourself are spreading the negativity, and (2) make a conscious effort to stop your own impulses to do so. Our brain is hard-wired to feel pleasure when berating others. Superiority smells of sweet victory. In fact I'd say that I myself would easily fail the litmus test[2].

It takes a truly strong, principaled, and gracious individual to be kind and respectful to others no matter what their day has thrown at them. I'm fortunate to know a small handful of such people, to know that it's a state that is actually achievable by man.

Over the past year or so, I've increasingly felt that most concepts or ideas are relative in nature - that there are no absolutes, and that the right thing would depend on the particular person and situation. But I think this is one of those rare exceptions that pop up from time to time.

Remaining your same pleasant self on any day of the week and not spreading the hate that you yourself received from others, is an unequivocally positive virtue. It's something that I will stumble, struggle, and strive to achieve.

[1] I do believe it's only one side of the multidimensional identity that is the self.

[2] But at least I think I'd pass stage 1, since I'm aware of my own deficiency in this regard.