[Girl Blog] Hello Limbo My Old Friend

Once upon a time, during the summer before my sophomore year of college in Milwaukee Wisconsin I met a girl at a party (it was a country/hick/flannel party and I was exempt from wearing such atrocities by providing the sound system). I had known she was coming and had been joking around with our mutual friend that she should hook us up. I could tell she was semi-serious but I wasn’t. Most of this girl’s friends compare quite scarily to ultralisks. Fun to party/destroy destructible rocks with but you wouldn’t want to take her home for fear of being crushed (I’m built more like a zergling, very slim and athletic).

I still remember what she was wearing when she walked in, a pink flannel and rocking jeans that accented her legs and donk that I still drool over to this day. Her hair was short, flowing beautifully down to about her chin. I knew right away it was her, and although I don’t think it was love at first site I definitely knew I was going for it. Let’s call it attraction at first site. So the night goes on, we dance a few times, she sits on my lap, we talk, we have fun. It was easy. Always was, always will be. So eventually I go home intoxicated, pondering what future I could possibly have with such a magnificent creature.

The next day I send her clever fb message weaving a tragic tale of how I danced with this beautiful girl but in my drunken stupor never asked for her number. I receive it and we start to hang out and talk more frequently. Things evolve and we’re having sleep overs, going on late-night walks around campus discussing anything and everything. Now after a time we agree to talk about us. She had just been out of long relationship earlier that summer and had no interest in another. She admitted to liking me but wanted to make clear she wanted nothing to do with a bf. I said okay, I had just gotten out of a rough relationship early in the summer myself.

Now obviously things progressed. We started having sex and sleeping over at each other’s place regularly. We talked about our situation and agreed that we were basically dating but she still wanted to keep it light and take things slow. Now here’s where shit hit the fan the first time. I won’t tell this story because it’s a whole different cluster fuck but the TLDR is our mutual friend who we shall now refer to as fucking selfish bitch or FSB for short got her really drunk and used her to start a threesome with a guy (who was the captain of my fucking volleyball team no less). Now my ex who we can call Britty from now on ended up naked on a bed with my captain and FSB, upon realizing this she got up and left and spent the rest of the night in the living crying while FSB had sex with my captain leaving her “best friend” crying and alone. I can’t look at the bitch without seeing red even today.

Now we worked through that and I gave her the second chance seeing how much pain she was going through and how much she regretted what had happened. So come January 1st in 2011 we were a couple officially. Now the next 6-8 months were fantastic. Things were good, easy and fun. Not perfect, we fought about her still being friends with FSB and other stupid petty things. But it worked, maybe it was love but we both didn’t and don’t really know what that is. Yet things were amazing.

So summer is ending and a new school year is starting up. This is when things start to fall apart. It was basically all my fault. I made mistakes and I couldn’t deal with all the stresses life was throwing at me. I was struggling in basically every aspect of my life. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stay in school or pay for the semester because I kept getting denied for a private student loan. My grades were not good because I was paying more attention to filling out loan application forms than doing homework. The club volleyball that I had once lived for now made me the angriest of pandas. I was spending 3 nights a week raiding in WoW to please my RL friends even though it wasn’t fun and was consuming time I didn’t have. I was in the darkest of places. This was real life at its harshest, I had never been here before, I didn’t know how to deal and the one person that I could have leaned on, that would have listened and said everything will work out, I pushed away. I hid from Britty. I found any reason I could for us not to hang out. Why? Because I was ashamed. I didn’t want her to see me struggling like this.

Now Britty wasn’t stupid, she knew something was wrong. She tried to talk to me multiple times but I wouldn’t open up. I couldn’t. How could someone stay with such a failure like me? I could no longer make love to her. I feel like I was cheating, keeping all of this to myself. We still had sex but it wasn’t passionate, it was just sex.

Now here comes the fucked up part. I broke up with Britty. We didn’t talk like she had wanted, I told her I was done and she was furious and understandably so. I blamed her for my stress and unhappiness. I wrongfully assumed her constant nagging and pressure to talk was the main reason for my darkness. I turned off. It’s a usefully skill toi have. I emotionally shut down for the third or fourth time in my life. We didn’t talk for a little more than a month.

Now the semester is over, I’ve had to borrow money for rent and food from my dad but my loan goes through and my financial woes are over. After we broke up I went into a total rebel badass mode. I quit playing wow, I started working out a stupid ridiculous number of times a week like I used to and slowly but surely I was stabilizing. I had removed the true causes of my unhappiness without even consciously trying to.

So now it’s winter break and for the first week it’s fucking glorious. Sleeping in, staying up late playing dota with bro’s. Not giving two fucks about anything. But that second week kicks in and you’re so bored you wish you had course books to read. But I didn’t have course books; I had lots of alone time with my thoughts. I picked up a notepad app on my phone and critically documented (yay for learning something in lit classes!) how I got to where I was today. I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like what I had done or how I had treated Britty. It hurt me to admit that I had fucked up, and that I had been so overwhelmed, that I hadn’t been able to deal.

So I sent Britty an email (she was on vacation in Arizona) containing my notepad document in which I documented my last few months and had personal notes attached to everything. I basically gave her everything that was going on inside my head. Something she hadn’t seen in month’s but something that I felt she had the right to see.

When she returned to Milwaukee we talked, at the time I wasn’t sure what to expect or what I wanted. The talk was chill and we agreed to do that whole friend thing although we both clearly still had intense feelings. The more I thought about it and the more I was around her I realized how much I missed her and how much I had taken for granted and I wanted to be back together.

So we sit down and have a talk. I put myself 100% out there. Tell her every thought and feeling that I had. I told her I wanted her back if she would take me. Her response? She didn’t know. Now I totally understand that. It’s been roughly 2 months since the breakup and I’m sure that’s a tough decision. She says she need’s time to think, time to herself. We agree to 0 contact until the next Sunday when we planned to talk.

That week was FUCKING HORRIBLE. On one hand I wanted to fight to the bone to win her back, to show her it could work again, to make her see what I see. But on the other I had no choice but to sit back and await her verdict. I would lie awake at night tortured by not knowing. In just a few days I could be extremely happy or very upset and there was NOTHING I could do about it.

So the weekend comes. We sit down and have our talk. My worst fears were confirmed. She couldn’t give me the chance to make things right, to prove to her I had learned. Now we are both very stubborn people and we butted heads for 2 hours trying to convince the other. Eventually we found a “happy” medium in that once every weekend we would hang out. Do dinner/watch a movie/ whatever just chill and have a good time. Maybe talk maybe not. I walked away hopeful. I had a chance.

Our first hangout happened the next weekend. It was chill and a lot of fun and she ended up staying the night and cuddling and all that. But there was something off. She had walls up and it drove me crazy. I understand she wasn’t going to let me in 100%. But it was soooooo weird to get that coldness from her.

So our last hangout (two days ago) was more or less the same story. We had a great time, watched Memento, small talk. But I could still feel that wall. It tortured me. We would lie in bed together but she still felt so off limits. Her skin felt electric to the touch yet it was totally forbidden. I walked her home and watched a Dexter with her while she fell asleep and tucked her in. I didn’t receive that invite to stay like I had hoped for with every fiber of my being.

This weekend I’ve been all over the map with my thoughts. I want to wait forever but I already waited a year for another girl before I cut that off and I just can’t do that again. No matter how bad I want to. I can’t stay in this limbo. I can’t watch her fade away like this. I know I made mistakes but I don’t think a second chance is too much to ask for. I so scared that there’s someone else, even though I have 0 reason to believe so. Unless you consider the wall, but I think that’s just her afraid to get hurt. So here is what I’m going to do.

This Tuesday is Valentine’s Day! Whooptie doooo! But this is when my final plan kicks into action. So, tomorrow I’m going to run and get some white roses (symbolic for peace) and at least 2 different roles of wrapping paper.
(Background) I have 2 panda pillow pets. Be fucking jealous. One is regular sized and one is mini. The large one is Kerrigan and the Lil one is Severus or Sevy for short. Now Britty always wanted to bring one of them home to cuddle with but I never allowed it. I don’t share my pandas with no one.

I’m going to put Sevy in a small shoe box with a post-it note saying “no one should be alone on valentine’s day” and in his lil fold up part in his belly (I always keep him pet form) I’ll put another note. This one saying “my doors will be unlocked tonight.” Simple and straight forward. I want her to come over. So then ill wrap this box and put in another box and put that box in another box and so on and so forth. Some serious boxception shit. The final box I want to be fairly large just because.

Tuesday morning I will drop off the boxes outside her apt door with the white roses in a vase on top. She will pry send me a thank you text at the very least. But HOPEFULLY (fingers crossed) she will come over that night, and we can have a nice talk and maybe my faith to wait will be renewed. HOWEVER if she does not come over that night (which I think she won’t) the next day I will have her bring Sevy back and I will basically give her my ultimatum which is more or less…



I want nothing more than to be with you… but if you can’t do/don’t feel the same I’m not going to wait anymore. It hurts too much. I wish you the best, because that’s what you were to me.