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Blogs > Shiverfish
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Shiverfish
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
Canada95 Posts
January 28 2012 08:10 GMT
#1
She was definitely special, Brilliant, beautiful, and elegant. She moved with conviction and her voice had the right luscious tonality. So close to perfect. She was so similar to me – perhaps too similar. I was enamored immediately. I had some great chances early on to get closer. But I struggled to sustain conversation. It seemed she had the same disposition. I thought there was something telling in our shared quiescence.

From the beginning I could see the obvious warning signs. I never previously thought I could accept a mixed-race relationship. She changed my mind on that unexpectedly easily. I could get over another culture, another background. I would have been willing to sacrifice so much. The absence of extended talk between us bode poorly on something more. Yet fully aware of these inhibitions, I readily cast them aside.

I had a dream one night in which she reciprocated my affection. It was just a short, simple text message; she didn’t even appear. But it was perhaps the single most euphoric moment I’ve ever had. My joy ended quickly when I woke up shortly after. I lay in bed gloomily, more or less in my default mood, and willed myself back to sleep to forget all about it. I realize just now how long it has been since I was so happy. I had forgotten how this emotion felt. But it would only come in a dream. Later I checked my phone inbox just to make sure.

I probed with advances, but they fell flat. It was not that I could not let her go – I didn’t want to let her go. I did not want to give up too early and lose the opportunity. I had to exhaust all possibilities and exit with no regrets.

Her value was too overwhelming to be passed up easily. Even I was intimidated by her brilliance, which I found attractive. It was almost too good to be true that she was still single. Actually, it was. Today after class in our circle she mentioned her boyfriend for the first time. She described the relationship as on and off – and now it was on. My head turned to look at her in light of this new revelation. It caught me by surprise. A wave of confusion and disappointment washed over me. My brain stumbled for answers.

I had good reason to believe when I first met her that any such status was “off”. Maybe I missed the slim window of opportunity. Maybe I was too slow, too docile, too subtle. Maybe I read the signs all wrong. But surely there was something there. Maybe I’ll never know. What a silly boy, wasting so much time dwelling on this doomed endeavour.

We dispersed. Then a sense of liberation slowly encroached on me. No more obsessions, no more doubts. The dark fog cleared from my heart. I did my part. It was clearly the time to let her go, to call off the chase. Like pokemon youngster said, “I did my best. I have no regrets.”

She was just so ... perfect. Will the liberation last? Maybe until the next time I recklessly plunge into another ill-advised infatuation phase I am prone to. I expect the jeers to come about my creepy, stalkerish behaviour. My inexperience with women shows. I know it will be seen as an unhealthy obsession indicative of some serious psychological deficit. But aware of this advice, I would do the same thing again.

I used to keep winning in the things that mattered. Now it seems I can’t stop losing.

***
DYEAlabaster
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
Canada1009 Posts
January 28 2012 08:26 GMT
#2
I'm guessing this is a short story? But my question is do you want C&C? Or... What kind of reaction are you looking for here? Is it a story? An elegant way of telling a truth?
mizU
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States12125 Posts
January 28 2012 08:31 GMT
#3
You should find out where she works. And then wait for here there. Girls love initiative and surprises.
if happy ever afters did exist <3 @watamizu_
Kickboxer
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Slovenia1308 Posts
January 28 2012 09:25 GMT
#4
Haha, that's just what I did to hit on my fiance. We didn't know each other tho. I just pretended to be a customer and then asked for her phone number instead of items.

OP, the story is very nice but you use too many "big" words. Better luck next time
Apom
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
France656 Posts
January 28 2012 12:15 GMT
#5
Good read. 5/5. But you are only liberated until her boyfriend is off again.
Shiverfish
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
Canada95 Posts
January 28 2012 18:58 GMT
#6
Not a short story, just my own story and what's on my mind right now. Or as of yesterday.
duckett
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States589 Posts
January 29 2012 01:27 GMT
#7
despite how much I despise shiverfish blogs for their pretentiousness and stubborn refusal to relate to the throbbing mass of humanity that they clearly identify and retreat from, I'll bite.

a relationship with someone who doesn't openly reciprocate, a relationship that is actualized in coulds and woulds in the mind of a single participant, the shiverfish in this case, is a relationship lived in the subjunctive. and a relationship lived in the subjunctive is not a two way affair; it is less proper to say that I fell in love with her as I fell in love with myself through her; shiverfish manufactured a reality in his mind that was beautiful to him, and happened to involve the apparition of a person who exists in an entirely different form.

so shiverfish was truly in love with his own imagination; fixation on her was not a real fixation but rather a fixation through his concept of what she could be. so this is not love, and deserves not the associations of this term; it is instead narcissism, and deserves the bastardization we assign this feeling. narcissism, and a liberation from this is indeed rewarding, but we should recognize it for what it is. it isn't wholly repugnant; there are many beautiful things (or rather, not globally ugly) things that spring from the narcissistic tendencies of unrequited love, but to aspire to a true external contingency that validates this feeling is somewhat absurd.
funky squaredance funky squaredance funky squaredance
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