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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
It was the fall of 2003. I was a first year college student. An engineer. An overworked engineer. I was struggling to adjust to the new style of academic work, and it showed.
Over the first 6 weeks of college life, I had lost 15 pounds. Call it the "Freshman -15" if you will[1]. I wasn't sleeping regularly. I was missing meals. I was malnourished, weary, and overall just gasping for air. At times I was my cheerful self. At times I was brooding. Other times, I was perhaps even a bit depressed and desperate.
As evidenced by my writing, I have come out in one piece, though perhaps a bit dented. I would probably be marked with a "20% OFF!" sticker had I been a box of cereal. I digress. This story isn't about me. This is about a girl. A girl whom I met during the one of the darkest hours of my still short life[2].
She was a charming girl. Well liked by many, hard working, and cheery. Jet black hair, touching her shoulders, tied back in a pony tail on half her days, and let down loose on the other half. Short stature, perhaps even petite. Big, expressive, black eyes, emotive and curious. Bronze-skinned, of Philippine descent I believe. Her faced crunched up expressively when she laughed, and it made all of us want to laugh too.
She was an engineer. A Chemical Engineer. Chemical Engineering is considered by many students to be the most academically demanding discipline at the college. Many of the would-be graduates would surrender, one by one, over the next four years. They would usually become Operations Research Engineers or Economics majors, destined for the inevitability that is Wall Street.
I would often tackle the week's assignments in the small library near my dorm room. 3 long tables, each flanked by 10 stiff, wooden chairs, separated by walls of bookcases. A circle of sofas, with two coffee tables. Its tranquility would be occasionally interrupted by the stressed shriek of a fellow student, or the unmistakable clanking of the heating system - a surprisingly welcome sound, given the bitter cold of the North East. The winter of 2003 would become the harshest winter in 100 years.
It was in this womb-like place that I met this girl. Mutual suffering, I have since learned, is often the bond that ties us together the strongest. This library was one of my two places of communal suffering, the other being the Physics department problem set session room. The latter was a true Iron-Maiden for me, as I didn't understand half the things that were happening in the class, and had to depend on more enlightened classmates and my above-average skill of BS'ing science exam answers.
The usual suspects in this march of sorrow included a witty and dark featured Canadian, a tall and well built Chicago-man with refined taste, a lanky and good natured German major, a hyper-studious and kind-hearted giant from Guyana (also my roommate), this girl, and myself. We met one another in this small library. It started from small talk, perhaps about what textbook they were grinding over so vigilantly. We'd eventually come to share laughs together, a welcome respite from the nightly grind.
My roommate, like this girl, was also a Chemical Engineer. I thus had direct second-hand insight into how brutal their curriculum was. The class work, lab work, and home work combined into a seemingly unconquerable grindstone. As a student with zero passion or understanding for Chemistry, I could not see myself ever being successful in their position. To this day, I have infinite respect for Chemical Engineers.
As the fall semester winded down, I had somehow managed to salvage my academic term. On the social front, I had started to grow apart from this group of library misery-mates, and hung out more and more from the inmates of the second (Physics) slaughterhouse. As the Spring semester came and went, I only saw the haphazard gang, without a doubt my first group of friends on campus, in passing. I would see the girl from time to time, around the quad, at the library, or in the cafeteria. Just a hey, how's it going, but not too much else. She seemed a bit weary, but all of us were. For a student body with a disproportionate concentration of academic overachievers, it had been a reality check. So long, valedictorianism, welcome to our house, mediocrity.
Summer barged in through the front door, and broke down the kitchen door on the way out the back. It was September 2004, and we were grizzled veterans.
Many students had stayed on campus over the summer, toiling away in labs. I'm sure some ambitious ones even had internships over the summer. Me? I didn't even know that students were supposed to do that in order to prepare for life after college.
It was the first week back on campus. A week devoted to moving heavily objects, reacquainting with our battle-torn comrades, and reminiscing over our memories of 365days prior. The girl I learned, had spent the summer on campus, working in a lab in the Chemical Engineering department. I was hardly surprised, given her studious and diligent nature.
I had moved across the quad from the previous year, and found myself in the same building as her. She was on the second floor, and I was on the third. Again, I saw her in passing, maybe said hello. Maybe it was in the courtyard, maybe it was as we passed one another in the stairwell.
Between 2003 and 2007, three students' lives ended tragically short. One drowned off of the coast of Florida. Another lost the battle against Leukemia. The third one took their own life.
This last one, shocked everyone. The timing, the person, its nature. Everything conflicted with each another. To this day, I can't wrap my head around it. I still want to believe it didn't happen, because it just doesn't make sense.
The one her took her life, was the girl.
The beginning of a new year. Meeting old friends. Meeting new friends. Cyanide.
In her bed, alone.
My roommate was crushed. Studying the same subject as her and living near by, his friendship to her was orders of magnitude greater than that of my own. And it showed itself in reverse, as our respective emotions reversed polarity. I found myself more confused than sorrowful, more regretful than tearful. My roommate's friendship with her, much more meaningful than mine, turned its teeth on him.
Over the next months, it was painful to watch him suffer. He was visibly affected. I could see it in his eyes, vacant. His mouth, less expressive. His shoulders, un-animated. In the service for and by her many friends, it was he who took the stand to talk about her life and their friendship. I didn't attend. I couldn't handle it. He, carrying infinite more emotional burden than I, could. I was weak and cowardly. I still am. He wasn't.
There was no will. No message. But all of us knew deep down, what had happened.
Expectations. Internal. External. Pressure. Stress. Endless work. Endless misery. Unachievable.
Despair
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Dear friends,
I can't cope with this kind of loss. If your life is dark, and you need something, anything, even though I know it's excruciatingly difficult, please, please let me know.
5 years after this girl took her life, I went through the most difficult time of my life. I was able to extricate myself with the help of others who tolerated my brooding, and by having recited to myself over and over and over that if things became unbearable, I could drop everything on the ground, abandon all responsibilities, throw all expectations into the gutter, and just leave.
I don't dare say that I understand your pain, your troubles, your worries. I don't even blame you if you want to end it all. But before you take your last breath, give me the honor of talking to you over dinner. Because the pain I will feel by walking with you, doesn't even come close to the pain of losing you.
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[1]"Freshman 15" is a term used to describe the weight gain typical of a new college student.
[2]At that point, this was the deepest I had fallen.
Crossposted from my main blog
 
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FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
I'm not going to lie. When I saw this line:
Mutual suffering, I have since learned, is often the bond that ties us together the strongest.
I thought this would be a story about how you became really good friends with this girl. I've met a lot of my friends along the lines of "misery loves company".
Didn't see the ending coming :/
Nobody deserves to die alone.
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On November 04 2011 18:00 flamewheel wrote:I'm not going to lie. When I saw this line: Show nested quote +Mutual suffering, I have since learned, is often the bond that ties us together the strongest. I thought this would be a story about how you became really good friends with this girl. I've met a lot of my friends along the lines of "misery loves company". Didn't see the ending coming :/ Nobody deserves to die alone.
Based on the title and the line Flamewheel quoted, I was reading this blog thinking
"Oh, this'll be a nice way to end the night. A cute story/girlblog!"
That was so sad..
T.T
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United States24692 Posts
This takes the idea of 'not your typical girl blog' to a whole new level.
My best wishes are with you Haji!
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On November 04 2011 18:15 micronesia wrote:
This takes the idea of 'not your typical girl blog' to a whole new level.
My best wishes are with you Haji!
Yeah definitely =\.
@OP How are you really now after what happened and all this time? Are you better? Worse? In the middle? Most people I've met has lost someone but I haven't lost anyone so I have absolutely no idea what it feels like and I'm quite scared as to how I'll react to it.
You have my support <3 don't hesitate to send me a pm <3
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T.T I'm sad now.
I'm lucky enough to not have anything like that happen to me. God forbid that it does. I can only imagine your pain.
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Wow. I did not see that ending. That's just so sad...
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Same here. From what people say i am a good confident and strong enough not to suffer myself from what you tell me or what might happen.
I also have that experience since a close coworker of mine committed suicide in 2008 shooting herself while being on the phone with her boyfriend (don't EVER do that you'll destroy his life, too...)
So if you're feeling down and sad and feel you're off with your life, please, talk to people. Be it haji, me, your family (trust them, they can help !)
My door will always be open.
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omg, I'm a ChemE major. Studying at 5AM fml. I know the toils of this ridiculous major. I know the pain people do and I've seen some people starting to go crazy in the ChemE computer labs and study room. The pressure to succeed and do well is so great sometimes.
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Thank you for the excellent read. I feel for everyone who has to go through something like this.
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Such a sad story TT.
I'm a second year engineer student now and I have to say the first year,over here in Croatia at least,is laughable compared to the second.Mainly because of Thermodynamics and Fluid Mechanics which demand a ridiculose amount of work and quite frankly I am not sure I will be able to handle it along with 4 other subjects all at once right now.
To be honest I don' really sleep much at all and can't remember the last time I went out to party with my friends.
My life consists right now basically of college,spending as much time as possible with my gf and sc2.Sleep and food are so low on my priority rank its quite disturbing>_>
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On November 04 2011 19:42 Belano wrote:
Thank you for the excellent read.
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
Edit: Haji, I mean.
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Netherlands13554 Posts
Amazing read. Hope all is well with you now.
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Thank you for writing this. Maybe submit it to the Prince as a guest piece, future classes of Tigers might need it.
I'm a little curious - is the library you referred to Forbes?
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came here expecting to sing nine days lyrics.
left reminded why suicide sucks so bad.
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This was incredibly sad. Did not see that coming at all :c I can't imagine losing someone like that.
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Damn, I have friends studying ChemEng, and they seem to have it pretty tough academically.
Shame that she couldn't find another way out, as Tyrion Lannister said:"Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities."
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Mmm, I've seen friends and family members struggle with depression, and I have as well, but thank god noone ended up taking their own life. Even in the darkest moments for me the mere thought of doing something like that was so terrifying...
Just knowing how difficult it was for me makes me filled with sympathetic awe after reading your story.
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I don't dare say that I understand your pain, your troubles, your worries. I don't even blame you if you want to end it all. But before you take your last breath, give me the honor of talking to you over dinner. Because the pain I will feel by walking with you, doesn't even come close to the pain of losing you.
Shows how good of a person you are Haji. Amazing read and even sad, I hope all is well with you now as Twisted said. Thank you for sharing this.
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United States313 Posts
Thanks for sharing TDH, great read.
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who cried a river and drowned the whole world she looks so sad in photographs and i absolutely love her when she smilezs
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Good read. had a slight tear in my eye at work...
i think about ending the suffering every day. I just don't see the point of it all.
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United States17042 Posts
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
By the way, I am perfectly fine right now.
At the time, I think my mind essentially blocked it out because it doesn't know how to deal with the situation.
Like I said, my roommate was much closer to her, and he was visibly affected by the loss.
This being said, I don't know and don't want to know how I'd react to losing someone even closer to me.
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United States37500 Posts
I'll be there for you, haji.
<3
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Smix
United States4549 Posts
Such a good read. Thank you for this Haji. <3
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this was a beautiful post, i hope you dont ever dwell over it again though 
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touching story... great writing
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Recently a girl committed suicide near where i live. Jumped off a flat. And it was the sister of a guy i knew who tried to get the same girl i did some while in the past. I didn't think much of it until i found out my mother knew their family and when i arrived home she was a wreck. She attended the funeral and she was still crying when i returned home. The girl was 80% deaf and felt socially excluded. She didn't have anyone. She left a letter on her facebook wall about how she felt lonely, and that love is the most important thing there is.
This story definitely reminded me of her. Just shows how much some people need a shoulder to lean on. Suicide is such a terrible thing.
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This might sound off topic but you are an amazing writer!!!
It's never easy to cope with the death of a friend.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 04 2011 19:53 TheKefka wrote:
Such a sad story TT.
I'm a second year engineer student now and I have to say the first year,over here in Croatia at least,is laughable compared to the second.Mainly because of Thermodynamics and Fluid Mechanics which demand a ridiculose amount of work and quite frankly I am not sure I will be able to handle it along with 4 other subjects all at once right now.
To be honest I don' really sleep much at all and can't remember the last time I went out to party with my friends.
My life consists right now basically of college,spending as much time as possible with my gf and sc2.Sleep and food are so low on my priority rank its quite disturbing>_>
I'm a decent student, yetI know that I'd get crushed were I to study Chem E.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 04 2011 21:30 hazelynut wrote:
Thank you for writing this. Maybe submit it to the Prince as a guest piece, future classes of Tigers might need it.
I'm a little curious - is the library you referred to Forbes?
What's the process of submitting a guest piece? As you might guess, I know no one who works at the Prince.
It was Wilson, fwiw.
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I like your writing here a lot, really surprised.
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On November 04 2011 18:00 flamewheel wrote:I'm not going to lie. When I saw this line: Show nested quote +Mutual suffering, I have since learned, is often the bond that ties us together the strongest. I thought this would be a story about how you became really good friends with this girl. I've met a lot of my friends along the lines of "misery loves company". Didn't see the ending coming :/ Nobody deserves to die alone.
Was reading a little and like fw thought it was going to be the usual story where you get to know her, decided to read the rest later, skipped to the comments and saw fw's post and skimmed back up into this line.
On November 04 2011 17:48 thedeadhaji wrote:
The one her took her life, was the girl.
Was struck frozen for a moment trying to digest what I just read.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 04 2011 22:35 Mobius_1 wrote:
Damn, I have friends studying ChemEng, and they seem to have it pretty tough academically.
Shame that she couldn't find another way out, as Tyrion Lannister said:"Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities."
I think that once you fall really deep, you can no longer think rationally. You become impulsive and driven by your emotions, and those emotions are never positive.
Prevention, whether through the help of those close to you, or just simply escaping it all, should really be stressed more than it is right now 
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 04 2011 23:50 Nizaris wrote:
Good read. had a slight tear in my eye at work...
i think about ending the suffering every day. I just don't see the point of it all.
Work is not worth dying over.
I can't say this enough towards people, particularly in Japan who kill themselves over their occupation.
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The one lesson many parents fail to teach us is that life is hard, life is difficult, life is unfair and unrelenting. These things such as pressure, stress, abuse, depression and despair, we are never taught how to handle it. So when it hits, it hits hard. While my parents have provided me with a very good life, I used to feel so empty, so poor, so helpless, because I was unable to deal with many of things some of the posters in this thread talk about.
Over time I have learnt that 'shoulder to cry on' is the most important human condition. I ask people right and straight out about their problems, and insist if they don't want to talk about it, because I know what can happen when you don't have the option. I have no qualms about laying my feelings onto someone either.
So to anyone out there with any kind of problem. Just talk to someone. Get their opinion. Get their advice. Its better then dwelling in your own cesspool of despair. It will make you more stronger and more confident in the long run. gl.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
Thanks for the compliments.
I don't consider myself to be a good writer, but I'm glad I wrote this and made some of you think your own lives. I think that's one of the magical things about writing.
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This is so sad thank you for taking the time to write this down and offering to talk to anybody who is having problems in their life, shows how good of a person you are!
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Man...what a story. I completely agree agree with you on the difficulty of Chemical Engineering. My brother ended up being one of those people that gave it up, but I saw what he went through when he was studying it.
I'm also going to agree with everyone else. You are an absolutely fantastic writer, haji. Not many writers can move me with their words and detail like that. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.
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*sigh* I don't have anyone I can comfortably talk to... now it seems I just talk to myself to calm myself down... At least I'll be equipped to live the forever alone lifestyle.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 05 2011 16:16 a176 wrote:
The one lesson many parents fail to teach us is that life is hard, life is difficult, life is unfair and unrelenting. These things such as pressure, stress, abuse, depression and despair, we are never taught how to handle it. So when it hits, it hits hard. While my parents have provided me with a very good life, I used to feel so empty, so poor, so helpless, because I was unable to deal with many of things some of the posters in this thread talk about.
Over time I have learnt that 'shoulder to cry on' is the most important human condition. I ask people right and straight out about their problems, and insist if they don't want to talk about it, because I know what can happen when you don't have the option. I have no qualms about laying my feelings onto someone either.
So to anyone out there with any kind of problem. Just talk to someone. Get their opinion. Get their advice. Its better then dwelling in your own cesspool of despair. It will make you more stronger and more confident in the long run. gl.
This is such a great post.
Thanks
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On November 06 2011 05:32 Snuggles wrote:
*sigh* I don't have anyone I can comfortably talk to... now it seems I just talk to myself to calm myself down... At least I'll be equipped to live the forever alone lifestyle.
SOmeone to talk to certainly helps, but I don't necessarily think is mandatory. So I wouldn't despair too much.
I do think it can be valuable to draw "a line" inside yourself where you've decided that you'll just abandon the rough situation and execute an exit plan (no matter how unmanly or however it may seem) that will get you to mental and physical safety.
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EPT
