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On July 19 2011 05:51 jjun212 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 19 2011 05:43 travis wrote:
failsafe great advice, the only problem with it is how incredibly incredibly low the odds are that anyone ever takes that advice haha I really tried.. I worked out everyday for 3 months straight in order to lose body fat in order to see her with confidence... Now everytime I change into my workout clothes.. everytime I'm on my yoga mat.. I'm reminded of her.. I worked out so much to the point that she was my motivation to eat healthier.. to exercise regularly... If someone asked me why I'm depressed and struggling... it's the thought of her right now.. But if you ask me right now what my happiest memories are.. it's also of her.. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to let go of someone I love so much.. that I hold so close to my heart..
I don't know if this is the best advice, but I might as well say it since it helped me. I will preface it by saying I am a little weird so this may not be for you. When I am feeling down about a girl, I tend to watch depressing movies or TV shows, and that makes me feel better since then I feel like other people are dealing with the same shit I am dealing. But my problem is relating too much to fictional people rather than real people.
I think most of the advice in this thread is pretty solid already. You don't have a friend that can take a few hours out of his Monday to come hang out with you? Or a couple of friends to play some stupid board games or something, or some ridiculous custom starcraft games, casual stuff that won't be flexing your energy too much? I find that stuff helps me.
Good luck man, I really feel for you.
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On July 19 2011 05:51 jjun212 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 19 2011 05:43 travis wrote:
failsafe great advice, the only problem with it is how incredibly incredibly low the odds are that anyone ever takes that advice haha I really tried.. I worked out everyday for 3 months straight in order to lose body fat in order to see her with confidence... Now everytime I change into my workout clothes.. everytime I'm on my yoga mat.. I'm reminded of her.. I worked out so much to the point that she was my motivation to eat healthier.. to exercise regularly... If someone asked me why I'm depressed and struggling... it's the thought of her right now.. But if you ask me right now what my happiest memories are.. it's also of her.. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to let go of someone I love so much.. that I hold so close to my heart..
you don't love her. what you're experiencing is neurosis and selfish attachment. you're experiencing 'love' in the sense that a dominant male animal feels 'love' -- which is instinct and is not love at all. you're experiencing love in the way cultural and society has described 'love' -- a sort of possessive clinging in which neither person can function without the other belonging to them; again this is not love at all. love isn't conditioned on the desire to possess the other person "in a relationship", it doesn't cause you pain because of unrequited desires, and it doesn't involve your desire leading you to influence another person to suit your wishes. in short, if you loved her you wouldn't be experiencing the problem that you're experiencing simply because you can't possess another person.
so maybe you love her. but your true love can't be seen or felt because it's conditional, and it's obscured by your own self-love. it seems what you really love is yourself (this can be the case even if you don't feel positively about yourself). you seem obsessed with her, but is she simply an answer to your loneliness? you have trouble approaching girls, or at least want to be perceived as attractive; so a relationship with this girl also a desire for self-affirmation? if you're willing to face yourself, you'll discover your obsession with her is only an extension of an obsession with yourself. you're complete in yourself, so if you are suffering, the reason is in you, it is not external.
you describe your motivation for exercise as anything but intrinsic: a chain of dependencies. you work out to improve your appearance, you improve your appearance to feel more confident, you want to feel more confident to approach a girl. positive, reliable motivation is intrinsic, i.e. you work out because you enjoy working out. when your activity is just a means to an end all sorts of problems tend to arise, not the least of which is that you don't enjoy what you're doing. the world works in a certain way that if you take care of things they'll take care of you. in other words, if working out is right for you, then do it. if not, then do what is. if you know what's right for you, and do it, then things will work out.
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The reason she doesn't want to be your girlfriend is because girls aren't attracted to guys who are weak. Here's an excerpt you might find helpful:
For women, friendships and romantic relationships are two separate things. They are NOT the same.
One can lead to another, but it's RARE when it happens.
Remember that.
While most men would sleep with most of their female “friends” if the woman “came on” to them, most women would NOT sleep with most men that they consider “just friends.”
But why is this?
How do women differentiate between “just friends” and “I'll be intimate with you?“
I believe that the answer comes down to understanding HOW women “know” when they want to “be intimate” with a man… and, even MORE importantly, understanding how women “know” when they DON'T want to “be intimate” with a man…
The thing that tells a woman whether the guy she's with is “friend” material or “lover” material is how she FEELS.
It's a combination of EMOTIONAL feelings and PHYSICAL feelings.
It is NOT logic.
She might USE logic to “rationalize” her decision… or she might USE logic to SOUND like she has a good reason for either “being with” or “not being with” a particular guy.
But don't let that distract you.
Logic isn't important AT ALL in this context.
A woman FEELS something emotionally and/or physically, then she uses those FEELINGS as the basis for her “decisions” and actions with a particular guy.
If she feels that “Ewwww Yuck!” feeling, then her “logical” conclusion will probably not be that she wants to date the guy in question.
If she feels that “It's Gettin' Hot In Here” feeling, then her “logical” conclusion will probably be that this guy is interesting and attractive, and a good “choice” to date. At this point she'll take ACTION on her feelings and thoughts…
Women are EXPERTS at recognizing men who DON'T GET IT. And if you DON'T get it, PLUS you're trying to compensate for the fact that you don't get it with gifts and compliments, then you're REALLY screwed
So how do you trigger the “it's gettin' hot in here” feeling?
Most men try to use gifts and compliments and being thoughtful to LET A WOMAN KNOW HE'S INTERESTED…
…HOPING that when the woman sees these displays she'll be interested in him.
But almost NONE of the things men do to court women make women FEEL ANYTHING even remotely similar to “Attraction” and “Arousal”
Of course, you know this.
You've probably done this stuff about a bazillion times. I have, too. I know what it's like to try OVER AND OVER to let a particular woman know that I'm interested… only to have her NOT RESPOND in a “romantic” way.
The PROBLEM with this kind of thing is that it communicates clearly that YOU DON'T GET IT. It tips a woman off INSTANTLY that you're not hip to what's going… and it kills your chances with her.
Say what?
You mean that doing nice things for women, and trying to show how you feel can actually HURT your chances with a woman?
Yea, it can.
Look, if you've been dating a woman exclusively for six months, and her birthday comes… it's OK to buy her a gift and tell her that you like spending time with her.
You're Already In A Relationship.
But if you've known a woman for six DAYS and you try this kind of thing, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot.
Women are EXPERTS at recognizing men who DON'T GET IT. And if you DON'T get it, PLUS you're trying to compensate for the fact that you don't get it with gifts and compliments, then you're REALLY screwed (or not screwed, as the case may be).
Remember what I'm about to tell you.
Write it on a sticky-note and put it on your computer monitor…
SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WATCH MEN TRY TO WIN THEM OVER ALL DAY LONG. THEY KNOW WHEN A GUY DOESN'T “GET IT”… AND THEY'RE ANNOYED WHEN A GUY WHO DOESN'T “GET IT” JUST KEEPS TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING.
Keep in mind that single, attractive women watch guys do this stuff 24/7. They shake their pretty heads and say “He doesn't get it… He doesn't get it… He doesn't get it” over and over and over.
How To Stop Being Just A Friend To Women
The point is that if you DON'T GET IT, then nothing you do is going to work for you.
Women aren’t INTO guys who are obsessed with them.
Women are INTO guys who are interesting, mysterious, challenging… guys who trigger ATTRACTION in them, not AFFECTION.
Here’s what most guys think when they’re giving a woman a boatload of attention:
“It feels good, so do it.”
“She seems to enjoy it, so keep it up.”
“I don’t want to lose her, so I must continue to smother her with attention.”
Going with your emotions and giving her TOO MUCH attention isn’t always as “good” as it “seems” like it should be
“This is the only chance I get, so I must take it to the max.”
“If I don’t do something, some other guy will, and I’ll be heartbroken.”
MOST guys think and act this way.
Hell, I did this stuff for years…
But here’s what’s probably going on in HER mind:
“He’s always there whenever I want to talk.”
“He’s such a sweet, nice, caring guy.”
“Maybe if I keep talking to him, I’ll feel something…“
“…But for some reason… I just don’t FEEL IT for him… and I can’t make myself feel it…”
“I don’t want to hurt him, so I’d better be nice to him.”
She probably feels a lot of guilt… because maybe she is thinking that she “led you on”.
Here’s something for you to think about:
“Getting, KILLS Wanting.”
If someone gets something, or even knows that they HAVE IT whenever they want it, that thing becomes much less interesting to them.
As a rule, we humans desire things that aren’t easy to get.
The more you don’t know how she feels about you, and the more you try… the more you WANT HER.
Here’s the bottom line:
Going with your emotions and giving her TOO MUCH attention isn’t always as “good” as it “seems” like it should be.
If you smother her with too much attention, she’s going to run from you and go find a challenging guy.
Why Giving A Woman A Lot of Attention BACKFIRES
She’s giving you all the “I really like you, you’re a sweet guy, I can’t bear to break your heart, and I DON’T FEEL IT FOR YOU” signals.
You should always carefully consider your situation, and decide what you REALLY want.
Here’s something for you to remember:
Attention from a man can be like a DRUG for a woman… even if she isn’t attracted to him.
A woman will often allow a guy that is IN LOVE with her to pour his heart out, confess his feelings, and demonstrate his devotion… even though she has ZERO INTENTION of feeling the same way herself.
Remember:
Women feel ATTRACTION for “MEN”.
On the other hand. they feel AFFECTION for “nice guys” that wind up becoming FRIENDS.
Instead of waiting until the very end, when you are convinced that a woman isn’t into you, before doing what you’re learning from me… do it from the BEGINNING.
You must SPARK the ATTRACTION right from the start.
You can’t wait until the end.
Just knowing this can make a HUGE difference in your dating life.
For more information visit doubleyourdating.com and sign up to the guy's mailing list. He gives really good advice in his initial e-mails before asking you to buy his book.
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On July 19 2011 05:51 jjun212 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 19 2011 05:43 travis wrote:
failsafe great advice, the only problem with it is how incredibly incredibly low the odds are that anyone ever takes that advice haha I really tried.. I worked out everyday for 3 months straight in order to lose body fat in order to see her with confidence... Now everytime I change into my workout clothes.. everytime I'm on my yoga mat.. I'm reminded of her.. I worked out so much to the point that she was my motivation to eat healthier.. to exercise regularly... If someone asked me why I'm depressed and struggling... it's the thought of her right now.. But if you ask me right now what my happiest memories are.. it's also of her.. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to let go of someone I love so much.. that I hold so close to my heart..
This still all sounds normal. And my previous comment stands - sucks, doesn't it?
Your current strategy of getting rid of everything "her" in your life and continuing as normal doesn't seem to be working. I guess I can see why - the relationship was based on the internet and your head. Therefore, going back to normal life is almost the same as continuing to pine over this lady.
Alternative strategy: start doing new things. Make new friends, try out new hobbies, see new movies, and do a different workout regimen. You seem to be associating a lot of current activities with her, so what have you got to lose doing something different?
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On July 19 2011 05:51 jjun212 wrote:
I really tried..
I worked out everyday for 3 months straight in order to lose body fat in order to see her with confidence...
Now everytime I change into my workout clothes.. everytime I'm on my yoga mat.. I'm reminded of her..
I worked out so much to the point that she was my motivation to eat healthier.. to exercise regularly...
If someone asked me why I'm depressed and struggling... it's the thought of her right now..
But if you ask me right now what my happiest memories are.. it's also of her..
I don't know what to do.. I don't want to let go of someone I love so much.. that I hold so close to my heart..
Watch this video:
[mod edit]
Now picture this. You are the guy at the start of the video. Now remove yourself from the picture.
Watch the other guys gangbanging her. That is her in that video. While you are at home self-pitying yourself, she is out there sucking on some other guy's cock. Stop thinking of her as the perfect angel, 'cos chances are if you're in love with her so is some other guy who is fucking her.
User was temp banned for this post.
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Are we really linking straight to porn on TL and telling someone who is struggling to imagine it is his girl?
Seriously... what the hell is wrong with you duck?
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Blazinghand
United States25552 Posts
On July 19 2011 09:01 jdseemoreglass wrote:
Are we really linking straight to porn on TL and telling someone who is struggling to imagine it is his girl?
Seriously... what the hell is wrong with you duck?
It seems like he has exercised, one might say, a lack of discretion.
Seriously though, dude, that's pretty messed up. The guy needs some emotional help, not a link to a pornographic website. OP, don't even click that link, or listen to his advice-- it won't make you feel any better.
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United States42967 Posts
On July 19 2011 04:49 Hawk wrote:
Yeah, you weren't in love dude, sorry. That doesn't happen from chatting with someone over the internet a bunch and then seeing them twice. It's real easy to make yourself seem like a wonderful person to a stranger on the internet
Go watch the movie Catfish. It will make you realize how stupid that whole situation is, which will help you get over it.
Won't help. It's his age.
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Crappy situation. Not sure what to say that other's haven't been saying. Trying to hang out with friends, family, and trying to distract yourself from just sitting there and thinking about it in general, at least in a negative "this sucks" way.
It's pretty normal to get totally down over a girl, I'm pro at it, but it passes eventually.. If things get even worse or so I think there is no shame in looking for professional help.
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I went through something very similar to this a few years back and what is happening to you has only one name: emotional dependency.
It sucks, you feel like absolute shit, like nothing else matter, as if you had lost something so valuable, unique and irreplaceble and the you just can't function anymore as a human being.
For me it took many months to eventualy get over this experience, I talked about again and again with anyone willing to listen, to the point I actually feel that I humilliated myself from how I acted from losing that girl. It was terrible, yet in the end neccesary to mature as a man.
Most likely you actually loved her... In some very basic, raw and inmature way, but the whole feeling is more like 80% dependency 20% love.
You'll feel like shit for some time, days, weeks, maybe even months depending on who you are, but the whole situation will eventually end and you will be one step closer to being a man.
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LMAO @ Duck so unexpected in here. Had me rolling...awesome lol
@ Op ez solution to your problem is to just have lots of sex. Trust me, you'll be over her in no time.
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Tons of heart felt, mushy advice in here...
I'm gonna go another way with this:
The best way to get over a old girl is to get under a new one.
Heartbreak is a bitch. But nothing will clear your head faster than getting your dick wet.
Might be a jaded way to look at things, and its probably not what you want to hear, but man to man, I'm telling you, you need to go get some ass.
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On July 19 2011 11:53 MrBitter wrote:
Tons of heart felt, mushy advice in here...
I'm gonna go another way with this:
The best way to get over a old girl is to get under a new one.
Heartbreak is a bitch. But nothing will clear your head faster than getting your dick wet.
Might be a jaded way to look at things, and its probably not what you want to hear, but man to man, I'm telling you, you need to go get some ass.
that's easier said than done for a lot of guys bro
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I'm trying to sleep right now.. but I keep looking at my phone hoping for the goodnight texts she always used to send..
I know she isn't going to send one.. but I can't stop myself from looking at my phone and hoping..
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I can't believe that you got stringed along for a year. That's a really long time to be talking to someone nightly. Nothing is a full cure to the pain, not even starcraft, but time will help. Learn from this experience and one day you'll be laughing at the memory.
Get some exercise. Punch a concrete wall, scream, do whatever you have to to let it out. It helps.
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Hey I dont know how appropriate it is here but I always found that getting into something else to take my mind off problems really helps me get through rough spots like this. I was engaged once and got broken up with after a natural disaster devastated my hometown and family. I mean something like a TV series you haven't watched, books you haven't read, or video games you might not have gotten around to playing. I keep a reserve of cool things around these days and when times are rough I get into them as a way to keep myself sane.
Otherwise theres nothing you can do but spend time with friends or family until you get over it.
D
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On July 19 2011 12:44 jjun212 wrote:
I'm trying to sleep right now.. but I keep looking at my phone hoping for the goodnight texts she always used to send..
I know she isn't going to send one.. but I can't stop myself from looking at my phone and hoping..
Turn your phone off and stick it in another room. No texts till morning!
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On July 19 2011 05:58 Coraz wrote:
cheer up bro the cares of this world are moot
jesus loves you & he's coming back real soon
peace of god be with you bro
This right here.
I'm sorry to hear jjun but we might be in the same boat hah! Maybe you've arrived at the sad ending before me.
I think those girls that we text to will always consider us as friends. Unfortunately they're not the ones that were meant to be with us.
Anyways, if you want to talk about our similar situations PM me~! 
Hope you will be ok! Fighting!
PS. Reading this blog just made me think about my wanting to ask to see this girl (only started talking to her since senior year high school.. such a shame) whom I've been texting for 3+ years everyday..
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Been there, done that, took a few weeks and everything was fine again (Believe it or not).
Don't try to fight the feeling, just let it pass. If you feel like it, lay down in bed and cry an hour. It doesn't matter.
It hurts now, but the only thing that can really heal it is time.
Just try to live your life like before and in a few days/weeks you'll be in perfect (mental) shape again, ready to find a girl that finally really appreciates you.
I would say stay away from the internet girls, but i found my last (5.5 year long) relationship online (though we were in the same city at that time and met in reallife just hours after the first online contact) and my ex found her new boyfriend in WoW and she is really happy with him, so i cannot wholeheartedly give that advice.
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Shit.
Reading this makes me realise that TL is even more awesome, provided people are truthful/aren't lying.
I can see why Chill hates people lying about stuff in the blog section.
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EPT
