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I was with my girlfriend for 7 years and now it's over. First love on both sides, first time on both sides too. She was 17, I was 18. Now she's 25, I'm 26. We've literally spent 1/3rd of our conscious life together. We lived together for a year in a new city for both of us (New York, we moved from Orlando). We officially broke up a month ago, but she told me she wanted a breakup five months before that. She found a new guy now and is trying to move on. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible about it all.
The breakup is my fault. I made a ton of mistakes over the 7 years and it just slowly broke her heart and bled out all her love. She said she'll always love me, and I'm irreplaceable, and I'm her best friend, but she's lost all romantic feelings towards me. I don't blame her. I did horrible things to her. For years. Things that any sane girl would have left over ASAP. But she stuck with me and tried to work it out every time. I never thought she'd leave me. I didn't take her for granted. I always tried my best. But I just wasn't strong sometimes.
Anyhow, I'm lost  . I feel guilt. I want to try again with her and be a better guy. But I'm mad as hell when I think how she's with a new guy now, because I couldn't imagine getting with another girl for a good long while. I'm too devastated and hollowed out. But, I tell myself she's been hurting for years. She's been letting her love die for years. She didn't just turn around and find a new guy. He was a coworker for half a year. She gave me warning for months, but we were living together so it was hard to take it serious. She never tried to creep.
So yeah, I know it's way healthier to move on, but I feel like I'm being a quitter. Like I'm giving up. And I don't even know where to begin burying my feelings for her. She still picks up when I call and talks for hours about our former relationship until both of us are fucking sobbing. She still texts me out of nowhere every other day or so. I ask her if there's any chance in the future and she says maybe. No guarantees. But maybe.
When we broke up, I moved out of the apt and went back to Orlando too, so now we're separated by half a dozen states. She's coming back in two weeks to visit her fam and says she wants to see me. I said yes of course, but I feel like it'd be putting my head in a noose. Seeing her again would be wonderful and horrible.
I'm living with my parents again and they're great, really nice and loving. But I don't say a word to them about my former relationship. I'm scared if I show my sadness, they'll hate her. They're very protective and will think any girl who dumps their son is a stupid bitch, and it would guaranteed destroy the chances of good relations between her and my parents if we ever got back together. So my family support group isn't there. Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me? And I'm not together enough to go out to a club or party or even a fucking game of football. I just feel like working out and walking around in a daze all day.
I also quit playing any and all PC/video games so I could be a more productive person. This was one of the vows I made when I was trying to mend things with my gf in the last month because I realized it was going critical. I still hold to that vow because I feel the intention of it was right, even though it didn't achieve its primary purpose.
I don't drink, do drugs, or watch TV. So, when I'm not writing my novel or working out, I have absolutely nothing to do. I started mopping the floors and washing dishes and cleaning out the garage simply to keep my hands busy. I can't handle much intellectual shit atm, because my mind is just too scattered. UGH. Anyone got any good tips?
 
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Get back to your normal life? I assume you still hold a good passion for video games so play those? Like you said working out and walking in a daze, well after 7 years its probably gonna be like that. I would say create a timeline for yourself and say like after a week if you are still in this extreme nonfunctioning dazed state then you need to figure something else out. Progressively make steps towards the life you want have without her. Don't hold yourself back because of the relationship.
(this is all what I might try to do, so take it with a grain of salt to use a cliched reference)
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2nd Worst City in CA8938 Posts
That's tough, man. I can't really give you any advice relationship-wise. I've never been in a relationship that long, and my friends who are currently in long relationships have yet to break up, so I have literally no experience with this. Sorry.
As for keeping yourself occupied, what about exercising? Maybe get a punching bag and just let loose. If you just want to move, I recommend exercise. ^^
However, if you don't feel like exercising, there's something else I can suggest. Whenever I am feeling down and do not want to do anything, such as reading, writing, watching stuff, playing games, etc... I go out. I just go somewhere that I don't go to often, somewhere with lots of nature, and just walk around. I take in my surroundings and just let my mind and body wander aimlessly. Often this means going to a park, a lake, the beach, or something similar. It's really refreshing and gives me a peace of mind.
That's all the advice I can give you. Hang in there. I've seen many of your posts around here and you seem like a very intelligent and mentally strong person. I have no doubt you can overcome this.
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Holy shit, be strong and you'll get through. Hearing that really really makes me feel bad. But with enough time, you'll get back on your feet and to your senses, and you'll find someone else.
You seem like a reasonable guy. You even admitted that it was your fault for hurting her all those times. You recognized your faults, but I guess a bit too late to save the relationship....
Just keep yourself occupied with work, hobbies, and whatnot. You'll get over it  Keep an open mind and go meet some new friends.
I know how it feels to think too much on something. It really only hurts you. After a while, you've resolved everything in your mind and you just keep thinking in circles, thinking about the same thing and regretting what you've done. It'll only make it worse. Make sure you're out doing stuff, hanging out with people, and progressing forward. Progress into the next stage of your life, and you'll feel a little bit better about the previous one.
It's easy to say all this obviously, and the actual process is difficult and takes a lot of time. But as long as you take things easily and keep your mind open and free to try new things, you should gradually feel better.
Good luck man
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Hmm, tell me what bad stuff you did to her. Did you cheat on her or something? If it was just playing games constantly while ignoring her, this is something that could be fixed/forgiven.
It's a shame to let such a long relationship go to waste. If there is still a chance, try and get back together with her and don't fuck up.
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Sad to hear that
I want to say just move on but 7 years seems so hard to be forgotten.
Best of luck man.
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On April 10 2011 15:00 meegrean wrote:
Hmm, tell me what bad stuff you did to her. Did you cheat on her or something? If it was just playing games constantly while ignoring her, this is something that could be fixed/forgiven.
It's a shame to let such a long relationship go to waste. If there is still a chance, try and get back together with her and don't fuck up.
This may sound bad, but I want to know what you did wrong so I don't make the same mistakes in my relationship.
On a different note, if you really wanted to get back together, you should have communicated with her and asked her what was wrong, etc. I feel like lack of communication leads to an explosion of problems that were once very small.
BTW, why didn't you just put a ring on it while you had the chance? 23-25 seemed a good time to get married for me. Unless you two are career minded.
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Hang in there. Honestly the best way to move on is probably to force yourself to forget about her.
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You'd think it would take a while for another relationship after being with someone for 7 years... Kinda makes me question her actions :s....
Would you get back together with her if the opportunity presented itself? Or would you ignore that option and move on? 7 years is a long long time man and it doesn't just vanish like that.
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I dated a girl for 3 years and after being 5 months into my first deployment (was active duty USMC at the time) she was fed up and left me. I know how it feels but taking each day one at a time helps. Get out of the house and meet new people as best you can. Keeping yourself active is the most important thing you can do. As for her coming back to visit..honestly..I wouldn't do it, its just going to bring that mountain right back ontop of you. In my experience stopping all communication is for the best. I know its hard but doing what's best for YOU is what you need to make your top priority.
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Where are your friends at this time?
Duh?
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2nd Worst City in CA8938 Posts
Just wondering, did you read?
Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me?
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Nothing really helps but time my friend, especially after being emotionally invested for that long Everything else is just a distraction, or a temporary relief. Although in general it's best to keep yourself busy and get your mind off of it, to be actually over it is different. You'll end up dreaming about it and it'll suck when you do. However, you just gotta let time do it's thing and eventually dreams don't phase you, even thoughts about her don't (as long as you don't get too deep into it). This will probably take years. Finding someone new can help best, but it won't be fair to that person because deep in the back of your mind, it's all about her.
What you can do is best avoid relapses or things that will just prolong the process, that is, talking to her, meeting her, looking through pictures of her. Most especially talking to her. Before you know you can move on completely, get your what ifs out and your closure, then do your best to cut off communication.
In the end, seriously its all about time. From experience and experience of others, everything else is just a distraction(though distractions especially help), actually getting over things depends on the person and time.
As for your actual question, pick up some hobbies that you would still consider productive. I noticed you said no more TV and Gaming, and do not drink, there's plenty of hobbies out there. Probably choose something that takes a lot of mental focus and not too much pondering, like... pottery?? Shiet I don't know but explore man lol
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United States1440 Posts
If you had a fun time with her those past 7 years you should be happy! Not many people experience the feeling called love and can only understand lust.
Also since you are writing a novel I suggest you read many books from all genres.
-and as the poster above said maybe try to learn a new craft, I know there's an awesome glassblowing class in orlando, but there are tons of other cool things to learn too like pottery, painting, sewing, welding and so much more.
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Similar, albeit smaller-scale situation I was in not so long ago
I'm getting out of my comfort zone.
Not doing anything dangerous, but I'm trying MMA, seeing a personal trainer, exploring my spiritual side, forcing myself to meet new people, even though the people I do end up meeting I usually do not like, it fills in the hours and passes the time.
And it gives you a bit of scope that there are so many people out there to meet and see and feel for.
And talk about your feelings. Skype your mates or (if it's do able) talk to your parents.
Hope this helps!
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Oh and remember the good things. Keep them with you. Don't dwell on the bad. Think of it as a hugely positive & learning life experience. And dating sites!!
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7 years is quite an achievement. I can't imagine being with someone that long lol. I think if shes moving on its time for you to move on as well. You know that if you keep brooding on her it'll just cause you more pain.
My advice is to start running alot. When me and my old girlfriend split, I started running and getting into shape, it did wonders on keeping my mind busy. But I would never quit video games  so I suppose you are outta luck lol
By the way, whereabouts in Orlando? I live a couple miles away from UCF, and if you ever wanted to get back into SC2 or meet some friendly people, you should come out to the LAN's hosted occasionally on campus. Its pretty fun ^^
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
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I'mma tell you what I tell every guy I know who starts moping around about a breakup. Masturbate. All day everyday. Work all that emotion out on your dick, you'll feel better in 3 days tops. After that go out and get some strange, and stop talking to her man have some class. + Show Spoiler +Yes I realize that's ironic coming from the guy suggesting you masturbate the pain away, but trust me it works 100% of the time.
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shit dude thats tough im sorry man
try hitting up the clubs, get your game back on
i wouldn't expect to get back with her, just always assume the worst
let her come to you if she truly wants to be together again
in the meanwhile listen to songs like ridin solo and get to the club
seriously man that song is old but its hella G
best way to raise your spirit is to know you still got game
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EPT
