I was with my girlfriend for 7 years and now it's over. First love on both sides, first time on both sides too. She was 17, I was 18. Now she's 25, I'm 26. We've literally spent 1/3rd of our conscious life together. We lived together for a year in a new city for both of us (New York, we moved from Orlando). We officially broke up a month ago, but she told me she wanted a breakup five months before that. She found a new guy now and is trying to move on. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible about it all.
The breakup is my fault. I made a ton of mistakes over the 7 years and it just slowly broke her heart and bled out all her love. She said she'll always love me, and I'm irreplaceable, and I'm her best friend, but she's lost all romantic feelings towards me. I don't blame her. I did horrible things to her. For years. Things that any sane girl would have left over ASAP. But she stuck with me and tried to work it out every time. I never thought she'd leave me. I didn't take her for granted. I always tried my best. But I just wasn't strong sometimes.
Anyhow, I'm lost . I feel guilt. I want to try again with her and be a better guy. But I'm mad as hell when I think how she's with a new guy now, because I couldn't imagine getting with another girl for a good long while. I'm too devastated and hollowed out. But, I tell myself she's been hurting for years. She's been letting her love die for years. She didn't just turn around and find a new guy. He was a coworker for half a year. She gave me warning for months, but we were living together so it was hard to take it serious. She never tried to creep.
So yeah, I know it's way healthier to move on, but I feel like I'm being a quitter. Like I'm giving up. And I don't even know where to begin burying my feelings for her. She still picks up when I call and talks for hours about our former relationship until both of us are fucking sobbing. She still texts me out of nowhere every other day or so. I ask her if there's any chance in the future and she says maybe. No guarantees. But maybe.
When we broke up, I moved out of the apt and went back to Orlando too, so now we're separated by half a dozen states. She's coming back in two weeks to visit her fam and says she wants to see me. I said yes of course, but I feel like it'd be putting my head in a noose. Seeing her again would be wonderful and horrible.
I'm living with my parents again and they're great, really nice and loving. But I don't say a word to them about my former relationship. I'm scared if I show my sadness, they'll hate her. They're very protective and will think any girl who dumps their son is a stupid bitch, and it would guaranteed destroy the chances of good relations between her and my parents if we ever got back together. So my family support group isn't there. Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me? And I'm not together enough to go out to a club or party or even a fucking game of football. I just feel like working out and walking around in a daze all day.
I also quit playing any and all PC/video games so I could be a more productive person. This was one of the vows I made when I was trying to mend things with my gf in the last month because I realized it was going critical. I still hold to that vow because I feel the intention of it was right, even though it didn't achieve its primary purpose.
I don't drink, do drugs, or watch TV. So, when I'm not writing my novel or working out, I have absolutely nothing to do. I started mopping the floors and washing dishes and cleaning out the garage simply to keep my hands busy. I can't handle much intellectual shit atm, because my mind is just too scattered. UGH. Anyone got any good tips?
Get back to your normal life? I assume you still hold a good passion for video games so play those? Like you said working out and walking in a daze, well after 7 years its probably gonna be like that. I would say create a timeline for yourself and say like after a week if you are still in this extreme nonfunctioning dazed state then you need to figure something else out. Progressively make steps towards the life you want have without her. Don't hold yourself back because of the relationship.
(this is all what I might try to do, so take it with a grain of salt to use a cliched reference)
That's tough, man. I can't really give you any advice relationship-wise. I've never been in a relationship that long, and my friends who are currently in long relationships have yet to break up, so I have literally no experience with this. Sorry.
As for keeping yourself occupied, what about exercising? Maybe get a punching bag and just let loose. If you just want to move, I recommend exercise. ^^
However, if you don't feel like exercising, there's something else I can suggest. Whenever I am feeling down and do not want to do anything, such as reading, writing, watching stuff, playing games, etc... I go out. I just go somewhere that I don't go to often, somewhere with lots of nature, and just walk around. I take in my surroundings and just let my mind and body wander aimlessly. Often this means going to a park, a lake, the beach, or something similar. It's really refreshing and gives me a peace of mind.
That's all the advice I can give you. Hang in there. I've seen many of your posts around here and you seem like a very intelligent and mentally strong person. I have no doubt you can overcome this.
Holy shit, be strong and you'll get through. Hearing that really really makes me feel bad. But with enough time, you'll get back on your feet and to your senses, and you'll find someone else.
You seem like a reasonable guy. You even admitted that it was your fault for hurting her all those times. You recognized your faults, but I guess a bit too late to save the relationship....
Just keep yourself occupied with work, hobbies, and whatnot. You'll get over it Keep an open mind and go meet some new friends.
I know how it feels to think too much on something. It really only hurts you. After a while, you've resolved everything in your mind and you just keep thinking in circles, thinking about the same thing and regretting what you've done. It'll only make it worse. Make sure you're out doing stuff, hanging out with people, and progressing forward. Progress into the next stage of your life, and you'll feel a little bit better about the previous one.
It's easy to say all this obviously, and the actual process is difficult and takes a lot of time. But as long as you take things easily and keep your mind open and free to try new things, you should gradually feel better.
Hmm, tell me what bad stuff you did to her. Did you cheat on her or something? If it was just playing games constantly while ignoring her, this is something that could be fixed/forgiven.
It's a shame to let such a long relationship go to waste. If there is still a chance, try and get back together with her and don't fuck up.
On April 10 2011 15:00 meegrean wrote: Hmm, tell me what bad stuff you did to her. Did you cheat on her or something? If it was just playing games constantly while ignoring her, this is something that could be fixed/forgiven.
It's a shame to let such a long relationship go to waste. If there is still a chance, try and get back together with her and don't fuck up.
This may sound bad, but I want to know what you did wrong so I don't make the same mistakes in my relationship.
On a different note, if you really wanted to get back together, you should have communicated with her and asked her what was wrong, etc. I feel like lack of communication leads to an explosion of problems that were once very small.
BTW, why didn't you just put a ring on it while you had the chance? 23-25 seemed a good time to get married for me. Unless you two are career minded.
You'd think it would take a while for another relationship after being with someone for 7 years... Kinda makes me question her actions :s.... Would you get back together with her if the opportunity presented itself? Or would you ignore that option and move on? 7 years is a long long time man and it doesn't just vanish like that.
I dated a girl for 3 years and after being 5 months into my first deployment (was active duty USMC at the time) she was fed up and left me. I know how it feels but taking each day one at a time helps. Get out of the house and meet new people as best you can. Keeping yourself active is the most important thing you can do. As for her coming back to visit..honestly..I wouldn't do it, its just going to bring that mountain right back ontop of you. In my experience stopping all communication is for the best. I know its hard but doing what's best for YOU is what you need to make your top priority.
Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me?
Nothing really helps but time my friend, especially after being emotionally invested for that long Everything else is just a distraction, or a temporary relief. Although in general it's best to keep yourself busy and get your mind off of it, to be actually over it is different. You'll end up dreaming about it and it'll suck when you do. However, you just gotta let time do it's thing and eventually dreams don't phase you, even thoughts about her don't (as long as you don't get too deep into it). This will probably take years. Finding someone new can help best, but it won't be fair to that person because deep in the back of your mind, it's all about her.
What you can do is best avoid relapses or things that will just prolong the process, that is, talking to her, meeting her, looking through pictures of her. Most especially talking to her. Before you know you can move on completely, get your what ifs out and your closure, then do your best to cut off communication.
In the end, seriously its all about time. From experience and experience of others, everything else is just a distraction(though distractions especially help), actually getting over things depends on the person and time.
As for your actual question, pick up some hobbies that you would still consider productive. I noticed you said no more TV and Gaming, and do not drink, there's plenty of hobbies out there. Probably choose something that takes a lot of mental focus and not too much pondering, like... pottery?? Shiet I don't know but explore man lol
If you had a fun time with her those past 7 years you should be happy! Not many people experience the feeling called love and can only understand lust.
Also since you are writing a novel I suggest you read many books from all genres.
-and as the poster above said maybe try to learn a new craft, I know there's an awesome glassblowing class in orlando, but there are tons of other cool things to learn too like pottery, painting, sewing, welding and so much more.
Similar, albeit smaller-scale situation I was in not so long ago I'm getting out of my comfort zone. Not doing anything dangerous, but I'm trying MMA, seeing a personal trainer, exploring my spiritual side, forcing myself to meet new people, even though the people I do end up meeting I usually do not like, it fills in the hours and passes the time. And it gives you a bit of scope that there are so many people out there to meet and see and feel for. And talk about your feelings. Skype your mates or (if it's do able) talk to your parents. Hope this helps!
Oh and remember the good things. Keep them with you. Don't dwell on the bad. Think of it as a hugely positive & learning life experience. And dating sites!!
7 years is quite an achievement. I can't imagine being with someone that long lol. I think if shes moving on its time for you to move on as well. You know that if you keep brooding on her it'll just cause you more pain.
My advice is to start running alot. When me and my old girlfriend split, I started running and getting into shape, it did wonders on keeping my mind busy. But I would never quit video games so I suppose you are outta luck lol
By the way, whereabouts in Orlando? I live a couple miles away from UCF, and if you ever wanted to get back into SC2 or meet some friendly people, you should come out to the LAN's hosted occasionally on campus. Its pretty fun ^^
I'mma tell you what I tell every guy I know who starts moping around about a breakup. Masturbate. All day everyday. Work all that emotion out on your dick, you'll feel better in 3 days tops. After that go out and get some strange, and stop talking to her man have some class. + Show Spoiler +
Yes I realize that's ironic coming from the guy suggesting you masturbate the pain away, but trust me it works 100% of the time.
The Eminem song is about abusive relationships that women endure. Doesn't really apply to what this guy is going through.
I'm with the majority on the board. As hard as it is, just allow time to heal the wounds. Find something that you enjoy to help you through it. Whether it's working out, picking up other hobbies, meeting new friends or girls, maybe even pick up an extra job or something to keep your mind off things.
I agree with severing off the relationship too. If she's already in another relationship, she's moved on and no real good can come of it. You'll just get more tied up emotionally with her.
My girl and I get into fights from time to time that make me feel the same hollowness. You feel like a zombie going through the day. I hope you get through this relatively smoothly and don't do anything drastic.
I know it sucks to lose someone you love. But how could you not see this coming from the times you had while living together? You didn't take her seriously because you lived together? And you know you did "bad things" but haven't specified them. And despite you two talking about how you USED to be, she doesn't want to give you another chance now. Oh, and plus she already is seeing someone else. It's pretty clear she was VERY serious about leaving you and not coming back now, which you still chose not to pay attention to.
You really should have some time apart and set some boundaries. Right now you two have a lot of emotional baggage coming into this so there is no chance you'll be able to treat each other as "just friends" now.
Take care of yourself in the meanwhile. All you can really do is make sure you learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
If she says there may be a chance you should go for it. It might as well mean she just wanted to show you what life without her would be, so that you value her more. Don't be a dog that wants back to her mistress but show her you're still interested, if you are. See what happpens. You'd hate yourself if you wouldn't do that in a couple of years.. or maybe not Good luck anyways.
agree, also tell us what you did wrong if you want suggestions. gl
Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me. Not gonna put up pics, though, sorry. Don't have her permission and TL is a big place.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>
P.S. Thanks for all the feedback and support. It helps and is much appreciated.
agree, also tell us what you did wrong if you want suggestions. gl
Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me. Not gonna put up pics, though, sorry. Don't have her permission and TL is a big place.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>
P.S. Thanks for all the feedback and support. It helps and is much appreciated.
:| Can't really feel any sympathy for you if it was due to violence, that's something thats fairly unforgivable in my book. Heres to hoping you have learnt something from the experience though and will go into any future relationships differently.
Had an old friend that graduated and just never got off the ground after his girlfriend and him broke up after being through everything in high school and a couple years after high school trying to make it work between them and I just told him to go to college with me in the fall and I think hes pretty happy about starting something new.
I'd just say throw yourself into something that will reward you later so you stop thinking about it and start again with something else.
agree, also tell us what you did wrong if you want suggestions. gl
Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me. Not gonna put up pics, though, sorry. Don't have her permission and TL is a big place.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>
P.S. Thanks for all the feedback and support. It helps and is much appreciated.
:| Can't really feel any sympathy for you if it was due to violence, that's something thats fairly unforgivable in my book. Heres to hoping you have learnt something from the experience though and will go into any future relationships differently.
Yeah, I'm not expecting any sympathy. 100% my fault and not acceptable. Just looking for tips on how to keep it together. I respect her decision and can't blame her in any way.
Hmm. Bad news, it takes at least half as long as the relationship lasted to be completely over it. To be mostly over it, one fourth as long. That's a long 3 and a half years ahead of you. Good news is, there are ways to keep it off your mind.
The best way to keep it together is to go out, meet new people, and do things. Stay busy, and playing games isn't really busy. Not that you have to give up games, but you do need some activities in your life.
Also, one additional piece of advice: If you were really violent with her, don't try to get back together with her. She doesn't deserve it. With the next girl you meet control yourself.
Yeah, I think best thing I can do is just stay occupied at this point. Less I think about it, better I do. Thanks guys.
On the violence, it was shoving and throwing things around, not like straight up hitting anyone, and it was on both sides. But yeah, really unhealthy and just still not good.
In a few months you are going to realise how much easier life is when you're not in a relationship.
Three months ago, me and my ex broke up after four years. We were each other's first in everything, just like you. We've had our problems, and only now do I realise how mentally exhausting it was.
When we broke up, I basically declared myself 'sick' for two weeks. I slept during the day and played video games during the night. After that I managed to pick myself up and get on with my life. I can tell you, I am much happier now than I was six months ago.
Give it some time. In a few weeks you are going to look back and see the wonderful things you've had with her in the past seven years. But for the first time you will be able to look forward and see a whole different future, not tied by any relationships. And I can tell you now, it feels great.
Am i reading about myself here? I can relate to everything you said you did wrong and apply it to myself. I'm exactly the same way, I'm also dating my first love and I am her first.. Wow
Whilst I'm not violent I do loose control when I get mad, never at her though.
"Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>"
This could have been me, this IS me if I don't change. Thanks OP for making me realize that i need to shape up through your mistakes. I'm stunned, thank you.
agree, also tell us what you did wrong if you want suggestions. gl
Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me. Not gonna put up pics, though, sorry. Don't have her permission and TL is a big place.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>
P.S. Thanks for all the feedback and support. It helps and is much appreciated.
I'm abit in the same situation as you. I'm getting aggressive with her and it scares me. She has always been violent with me, and pretty emotionally reckless, but i never though of it as reasons for me to be physical with her. She punched me in the face a few times, and since then, it's like a barrier has been broken. Negativity is all around, and there's no trust in whatever we try to achieve togheter. I'm trying to find a solution before it's too late.
I was in a similar situation, 5 years though, then it all just fell apart. What's important is that you keep busy/ focused and try not to think about how shitty/sad it is because you will end up super depressed and that just blows ( been there ).
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about her, and just do "normal" stuff, be it work, sc2, work out, go out with friends. Whatever you do that makes you happy, do that. Stay positive, and over time it will get easier. I've been sans girlfriend for about 8 or 9 months now and I still think about her, but it's easier now.
Just don't do anything stupid, and keep busy. And sex isn't the solution. while it's nice while it's happening, it's not a long term solution to a broken heart.
I hope everything works out for you buddy, keep strong.
On April 11 2011 08:44 Svartstol wrote: Am i reading about myself here? I can relate to everything you said you did wrong and apply it to myself. I'm exactly the same way, I'm also dating my first love and I am her first.. Wow
Whilst I'm not violent I do loose control when I get mad, never at her though.
"Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>"
This could have been me, this IS me if I don't change. Thanks OP for making me realize that i need to shape up through your mistakes. I'm stunned, thank you.
Yeah, definitely don't make the mistakes I did. I think the thing with being each other's first is that the expectations are SO high. Like it is end of the world type catastrophe, so every fault in your partner, every mistake is magnified ten-fold. I realize looking back on so much of the drama that it was just plain stupid. And it was my ego that got in the way of so many things. Glad my story might help someone out.
agree, also tell us what you did wrong if you want suggestions. gl
Was violent, critical of her, and demanded her to do a lot of shit for me. Not gonna put up pics, though, sorry. Don't have her permission and TL is a big place.
But yeah, it was mostly the negativity and violence that drove her away. She also keeps insisting there's a big intelligence gap between us and it makes her really nervous around me because she doesn't want to feel stupid. I'm a real ladies man.... >_>
P.S. Thanks for all the feedback and support. It helps and is much appreciated.
I'm abit in the same situation as you. I'm getting aggressive with her and it scares me. She has always been violent with me, and pretty emotionally reckless, but i never though of it as reasons for me to be physical with her. She punched me in the face a few times, and since then, it's like a barrier has been broken. Negativity is all around, and there's no trust in whatever we try to achieve togheter. I'm trying to find a solution before it's too late.
Yeah, that is a definite no-no. Once the barrier is broken, it almost guarantees it will happen again because the boundary is then set after violence. And as it gets more and more heated, the violence could get worse. It's terrible situation. Definitely try to tell the girl that hitting = break up and then genuinely walk away if she does it again. That's probably the only way to get through to them.
On April 11 2011 08:57 Vlare wrote: I was in a similar situation, 5 years though, then it all just fell apart. What's important is that you keep busy/ focused and try not to think about how shitty/sad it is because you will end up super depressed and that just blows ( been there ).
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about her, and just do "normal" stuff, be it work, sc2, work out, go out with friends. Whatever you do that makes you happy, do that. Stay positive, and over time it will get easier. I've been sans girlfriend for about 8 or 9 months now and I still think about her, but it's easier now.
Just don't do anything stupid, and keep busy. And sex isn't the solution. while it's nice while it's happening, it's not a long term solution to a broken heart.
I hope everything works out for you buddy, keep strong.
I agree. A lot of my friends advise hooking up and finding a new girl is the best way, but I just couldn't even stomach doing that right now. Seems kind of repulsive to me.
I'm spending a lot of time sitting on my dock by the lake watching the birdies haha :D. And, at this point, I'm not moving on. I'm just chilling out. I think the moving on thing sounds sort of strange because the rest of my life will still continue just the same. But I don't see any way to bury my feelings or pretend they don't exist, so I will simply feel the same way I do towards her but accept that she's not receptive to it. And maybe day by day that will fade or I'll find someone else, but I'm not going to try to do anything rash to hurry the process. That seems like it'd just cause scars.
On April 11 2011 08:57 Vlare wrote: I was in a similar situation, 5 years though, then it all just fell apart. What's important is that you keep busy/ focused and try not to think about how shitty/sad it is because you will end up super depressed and that just blows ( been there ).
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about her, and just do "normal" stuff, be it work, sc2, work out, go out with friends. Whatever you do that makes you happy, do that. Stay positive, and over time it will get easier. I've been sans girlfriend for about 8 or 9 months now and I still think about her, but it's easier now.
Just don't do anything stupid, and keep busy. And sex isn't the solution. while it's nice while it's happening, it's not a long term solution to a broken heart.
I hope everything works out for you buddy, keep strong.
I agree. A lot of my friends advise hooking up and finding a new girl is the best way, but I just couldn't even stomach doing that right now. Seems kind of repulsive to me.
I'm spending a lot of time sitting on my dock by the lake watching the birdies haha :D. And, at this point, I'm not moving on. I'm just chilling out. I think the moving on thing sounds sort of strange because the rest of my life will still continue just the same. But I don't see any way to bury my feelings or pretend they don't exist, so I will simply feel the same way I do towards her but accept that she's not receptive to it. And maybe day by day that will fade or I'll find someone else, but I'm not going to try to do anything rash to hurry the process. That seems like it'd just cause scars.
It just takes time :\ Just stay positive and do stuff you enjoy, there's honestly not a ton you can do in that position. I hope it works out for you buddy ^_^ Best regards
Keeping in touch with her probably won't make things any easier. I would tell her that you're there for her if there's an emergency, but other than that, it'll be a lot easier for you if you don't really talk or see each other.
On April 10 2011 14:42 StorkHwaiting wrote: I also quit playing any and all PC/video games so I could be a more productive person.
I don't drink, do drugs, or watch TV. So, when I'm not writing my novel or working out, I have absolutely nothing to do.
^ What is TL supposed to say to that? You're some sort of puritan who none of us can relate to. Start playing games again and prove you're a normal human being who can combine fun with productivity or go see a councilor. The fact that you have NO life what so ever without her is proooooobably the reason she broke up with you.
"I have absolutely nothing to do" - that statement almost makes me angry. It's an insult to every hard working person in the world to resent the gift of time.
A year from now you'll be laughing and all the better for it. Time heals all wounds bro, I hope you get well soon.
I also quit playing any and all PC/video games so I could be a more productive person.
I don't drink, do drugs, or watch TV. So, when I'm not writing my novel or working out, I have absolutely nothing to do.
That's really sad dude. I'm not sure if you actually believe that crap or if you are trying to be someone you're not to impress someone else. That's something you're just going to have to get over.
On April 11 2011 08:57 Vlare wrote: I was in a similar situation, 5 years though, then it all just fell apart. What's important is that you keep busy/ focused and try not to think about how shitty/sad it is because you will end up super depressed and that just blows ( been there ).
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about her, and just do "normal" stuff, be it work, sc2, work out, go out with friends. Whatever you do that makes you happy, do that. Stay positive, and over time it will get easier. I've been sans girlfriend for about 8 or 9 months now and I still think about her, but it's easier now.
Just don't do anything stupid, and keep busy. And sex isn't the solution. while it's nice while it's happening, it's not a long term solution to a broken heart.
I hope everything works out for you buddy, keep strong.
I agree. A lot of my friends advise hooking up and finding a new girl is the best way, but I just couldn't even stomach doing that right now. Seems kind of repulsive to me.
I'm spending a lot of time sitting on my dock by the lake watching the birdies haha :D. And, at this point, I'm not moving on. I'm just chilling out. I think the moving on thing sounds sort of strange because the rest of my life will still continue just the same. But I don't see any way to bury my feelings or pretend they don't exist, so I will simply feel the same way I do towards her but accept that she's not receptive to it. And maybe day by day that will fade or I'll find someone else, but I'm not going to try to do anything rash to hurry the process. That seems like it'd just cause scars.
Your dock? By the lake? By God man please go fishing. Orlando is friggen known for its trophy largemouth bass in each little golf pond. If you want to pick up a new hobby, which I strongly suggest you do, learn to fish. It costs no more than an SC2 CD to pick up. Being in nature with a strong focus can teach you a lot of things about life such as patience, planning, even humor at some of the stuff that can go wrong. It gives you much time to reflect yet gives you time to occupy your mind too. If you already fish then ignore whatever I said lol.
I'm sincerely sorry about your situation though. You remind me of a guy I live with, he's often breaking walls and doors in front of his gf and it's hella scary (for me, probably 10x for her). I'm glad I got the violence out of my system before I met my current gf. I doubt she'd still be with me if I broke shit like I did when I was 13. Yet I'm still a little concerned by your OP..... unsure of where me and her will be 7 years down the line. There are definitely parts of my life that need to change, that we've talked about for over a year and that I've done little to none besides give empty promises and empty words. Fuck man, I really thank you for sharing your experiences, however shitty they are, they've given me some inspiration and struck some fear in my own heart to change somethings about myself.
At any rate, you have to do what's best for yourself, which means to mitigate the pain as much as possible. Establish a new routine in your life, set some goals and push yourself to accomplish them. Try a new job, something you've never done before and see what happens. Along the way you'll meet plenty of people. The process will be slow at first but you'll probably feel much better in a few months. Honestly from what I've heard the trust had disappeared from your relationship, not the love. You both obviously still have feelings towards each other, but what good are feelings when you can no longer trust the other half to change what needs to be changed? Restoring trust is a monumental task, and if she has already moved onto someone else you need to let it go. It pains me to say this because I'd probably want to win my own gf back with all my power if this ever happened to me, but 7 years? It's hard to earn back trust after that long unfortunately, and I think you're intelligent enough to understand that and not hold it against her.
What you're clinging onto is one last glimmer of hope. Contrary to everything I've said so far, since the circumstances permit and she is coming back to visit her parents, go see her. Ask her if she thinks she can trust you again. Show her your complete sincerity, there is nothing to lose anymore. If she doesn't think so, don't pressure her, just accept that life will go on. But maybe, just maybe, you'll hear what you want, and you can take things slowly from there. I think you have to try. I probably couldn't live with myself if I didn't give it one last try.
You sound like a really decent guy. Stay strong. If you're ever in NYC again and want to have some drinks with some NYU peeps let me know. Hope this helps.
On April 10 2011 14:42 StorkHwaiting wrote: I'm living with my parents again and they're great, really nice and loving. But I don't say a word to them about my former relationship. I'm scared if I show my sadness, they'll hate her. They're very protective and will think any girl who dumps their son is a stupid bitch, and it would guaranteed destroy the chances of good relations between her and my parents if we ever got back together. So my family support group isn't there. Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me? And I'm not together enough to go out to a club or party or even a fucking game of football. I just feel like working out and walking around in a daze all day.
It seems we are really similar on this matter. This is the exact way I have been (and still am to some extent) handling situations like this. Not mentioning much of my feelings to neither friends or family thinking they will judge and come to despise a person that you still love. I have done this several times and let me tell you this; It will not only hurt yourself, but also the people around you and possibly damage the relationships you have with them.
Now that may sound dramatic, but your friends and especially your family are there to stick with you through all the best and worst times and I think you need to realize that. Otherwise it's quite possible that you'll dig a hole for your self with your own loneliness.
I mean, I get it man. I am the same. When I parted with my girlfriend of 3 years which I seriously though, felt and knew was the love with the capital 'L', I couldn't speak to it with anybody for a very long time. All of my friends and my entire family also loved that girl and I couldn't bear telling them what really happened, fearing that they would change their minds and resent her.
When I finally got it together and decided to speak with them, I was strangely surprised by how understanding they all where, even given some of the not so flattering details (these I've only shared with my friends though) that the girl put me through the last couple of months. I haven't told them all that happened, but I am also over that and feel no need to share every detail just for the sake of sharing. I have found though, that I am still very bad att talking about my general feelings with others - something that I did not have troubles with in my younger years. I myself have a long way to go but I still urge you to at least consider this advice.
My point is that you shouldn't underestimate your family neither your friends. Don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. Vent. At least a little. I promise you, it'll feel good. As you said, your family seems great and I am sure they have experience in the field and won't be too judgemental. In the end, and you might not feel like this now, it's your feelings and wellbeing that is most important to you. Not your ex's and what people think about her.
Yeah, this is shit and hurts. My advise to clear your head is time, time, time and sports. Sports really helped me to get over a broken relationship. You can just turn your attention to other things, totally pumping out all your useless energy that drives you mad. And the endorphines created while doing sports do make you feel better
On April 10 2011 14:42 StorkHwaiting wrote: I also quit playing any and all PC/video games so I could be a more productive person.
I don't drink, do drugs, or watch TV. So, when I'm not writing my novel or working out, I have absolutely nothing to do.
^ What is TL supposed to say to that? You're some sort of puritan who none of us can relate to. Start playing games again and prove you're a normal human being who can combine fun with productivity or go see a councilor. The fact that you have NO life what so ever without her is proooooobably the reason she broke up with you.
"I have absolutely nothing to do" - that statement almost makes me angry. It's an insult to every hard working person in the world to resent the gift of time.
...
Uh, I'm writing a novel right now which takes about 8 hrs of my day. I cook. I work out. I go canoeing on the lake. I read and reflect on life. I'm re-establishing contact with old friends. I just don't have something right now that is mentally absorbing enough for me to STOP thinking about her. Pretty retarded of you to try to come up with theories for why she broke up with me based on a false assumption.
On April 11 2011 08:57 Vlare wrote: I was in a similar situation, 5 years though, then it all just fell apart. What's important is that you keep busy/ focused and try not to think about how shitty/sad it is because you will end up super depressed and that just blows ( been there ).
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about her, and just do "normal" stuff, be it work, sc2, work out, go out with friends. Whatever you do that makes you happy, do that. Stay positive, and over time it will get easier. I've been sans girlfriend for about 8 or 9 months now and I still think about her, but it's easier now.
Just don't do anything stupid, and keep busy. And sex isn't the solution. while it's nice while it's happening, it's not a long term solution to a broken heart.
I hope everything works out for you buddy, keep strong.
I agree. A lot of my friends advise hooking up and finding a new girl is the best way, but I just couldn't even stomach doing that right now. Seems kind of repulsive to me.
I'm spending a lot of time sitting on my dock by the lake watching the birdies haha :D. And, at this point, I'm not moving on. I'm just chilling out. I think the moving on thing sounds sort of strange because the rest of my life will still continue just the same. But I don't see any way to bury my feelings or pretend they don't exist, so I will simply feel the same way I do towards her but accept that she's not receptive to it. And maybe day by day that will fade or I'll find someone else, but I'm not going to try to do anything rash to hurry the process. That seems like it'd just cause scars.
Your dock? By the lake? By God man please go fishing. Orlando is friggen known for its trophy largemouth bass in each little golf pond. If you want to pick up a new hobby, which I strongly suggest you do, learn to fish. It costs no more than an SC2 CD to pick up. Being in nature with a strong focus can teach you a lot of things about life such as patience, planning, even humor at some of the stuff that can go wrong. It gives you much time to reflect yet gives you time to occupy your mind too. If you already fish then ignore whatever I said lol.
I'm sincerely sorry about your situation though. You remind me of a guy I live with, he's often breaking walls and doors in front of his gf and it's hella scary (for me, probably 10x for her). I'm glad I got the violence out of my system before I met my current gf. I doubt she'd still be with me if I broke shit like I did when I was 13. Yet I'm still a little concerned by your OP..... unsure of where me and her will be 7 years down the line. There are definitely parts of my life that need to change, that we've talked about for over a year and that I've done little to none besides give empty promises and empty words. Fuck man, I really thank you for sharing your experiences, however shitty they are, they've given me some inspiration and struck some fear in my own heart to change somethings about myself.
At any rate, you have to do what's best for yourself, which means to mitigate the pain as much as possible. Establish a new routine in your life, set some goals and push yourself to accomplish them. Try a new job, something you've never done before and see what happens. Along the way you'll meet plenty of people. The process will be slow at first but you'll probably feel much better in a few months. Honestly from what I've heard the trust had disappeared from your relationship, not the love. You both obviously still have feelings towards each other, but what good are feelings when you can no longer trust the other half to change what needs to be changed? Restoring trust is a monumental task, and if she has already moved onto someone else you need to let it go. It pains me to say this because I'd probably want to win my own gf back with all my power if this ever happened to me, but 7 years? It's hard to earn back trust after that long unfortunately, and I think you're intelligent enough to understand that and not hold it against her.
What you're clinging onto is one last glimmer of hope. Contrary to everything I've said so far, since the circumstances permit and she is coming back to visit her parents, go see her. Ask her if she thinks she can trust you again. Show her your complete sincerity, there is nothing to lose anymore. If she doesn't think so, don't pressure her, just accept that life will go on. But maybe, just maybe, you'll hear what you want, and you can take things slowly from there. I think you have to try. I probably couldn't live with myself if I didn't give it one last try.
You sound like a really decent guy. Stay strong. If you're ever in NYC again and want to have some drinks with some NYU peeps let me know. Hope this helps.
Thanks a lot Joker. Glad my cautionary tale might help someone out haha. And I think your analysis is spot on. It was definitely the trust that was broken between us. There's a lot more that wasn't said in my story because I don't want to air out anyone's dirty laundry, but a lot of things happened to break trust between us. And we both held on out of love and attraction, but basically it came down to us getting near the marrying age and she still had cold feet. So she decided it was now or never to break it off and see what else is out there.
In retrospect, I wrote this blog in a really emo moment, so I think I painted myself a tiny bit too negatively lol. Whenever I talk to her, she keeps insisting I'm a fantastic guy, but she thinks I might be better matched with someone else. She definitely doesn't see me as some deadbeat she's glad to leave. Which is kind of what fucks my head up. She also told me "she still isn't sure what's best for her yet," and "she's content with her new bf but she's happiest when she's alone with her own thoughts." She also said I'm worlds smarter than her new bf, but he's what she needs in her life right now.
I think she has that desire because I would take care of a lot of shit for her when we were together, and she told me it felt like I was her dad rather than her bf. Independence is really important to her and she wants to be able to do things on her own, whereas I had a lot of trouble staying hands-off. It's a mix of Chinese culture and just already knowing how to do it so I'd get antsy seeing her do it wrong and I'd just end up doing it for her lol.
If I'm in NYC again, I'll definitely hit you up though. Thanks for taking the time to post such a thoughtful response .
P.S. haha I love going out on the lake, but I don't fish. I just watch them swim around in the water. Lol I'm kind of an animal lover and don't like hurting them :-S
On April 10 2011 14:42 StorkHwaiting wrote: I'm living with my parents again and they're great, really nice and loving. But I don't say a word to them about my former relationship. I'm scared if I show my sadness, they'll hate her. They're very protective and will think any girl who dumps their son is a stupid bitch, and it would guaranteed destroy the chances of good relations between her and my parents if we ever got back together. So my family support group isn't there. Most of my friends have scattered to other states for schools and jobs as well. The friends I had in Orlando, I haven't been in touch with for so long that I would feel like a total piece of shit if I called them up only to be a total emotional wreck in front of them. Why the hell would they want to deal with that mess or console me? And I'm not together enough to go out to a club or party or even a fucking game of football. I just feel like working out and walking around in a daze all day.
It seems we are really similar on this matter. This is the exact way I have been (and still am to some extent) handling situations like this. Not mentioning much of my feelings to neither friends or family thinking they will judge and come to despise a person that you still love. I have done this several times and let me tell you this; It will not only hurt yourself, but also the people around you and possibly damage the relationships you have with them.
Now that may sound dramatic, but your friends and especially your family are there to stick with you through all the best and worst times and I think you need to realize that. Otherwise it's quite possible that you'll dig a hole for your self with your own loneliness.
I mean, I get it man. I am the same. When I parted with my girlfriend of 3 years which I seriously though, felt and knew was the love with the capital 'L', I couldn't speak to it with anybody for a very long time. All of my friends and my entire family also loved that girl and I couldn't bear telling them what really happened, fearing that they would change their minds and resent her.
When I finally got it together and decided to speak with them, I was strangely surprised by how understanding they all where, even given some of the not so flattering details (these I've only shared with my friends though) that the girl put me through the last couple of months. I haven't told them all that happened, but I am also over that and feel no need to share every detail just for the sake of sharing. I have found though, that I am still very bad att talking about my general feelings with others - something that I did not have troubles with in my younger years. I myself have a long way to go but I still urge you to at least consider this advice.
My point is that you shouldn't underestimate your family neither your friends. Don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. Vent. At least a little. I promise you, it'll feel good. As you said, your family seems great and I am sure they have experience in the field and won't be too judgemental. In the end, and you might not feel like this now, it's your feelings and wellbeing that is most important to you. Not your ex's and what people think about her.
I wish you the best.
Thanks Shinwa. Great advice. I've talked a little bit about it with my parents, mostly just acknowledging that we were broken up. They didn't really believe it for the first few weeks, coz me and the gf have had tooons of fights so they thought it was just another one of those. But it helped some to at least say that much.
Also, a ton of my old friends started contacting me when they heard I was back in town. Literally a few hours after I updated my location on FB I started having old friends hit me up and tell me they missed me while I was in NY, which really warmed my heart. I've been pretty mum on talking to them about the breakup. I only shared a few minor details to some old gf's of mine who kept asking pointed questions after they saw I was single on FB, but I think I'm starting to get it together enough to see people. Working out and chilling by the lake helped a lot. Maybe as I reconnect with friends again, I'll let some more of it out. I definitely think you're right though. The past month of solitude was really really hard.
hey man, thanks for sharing and good luck with getting your stuff together. breakup after 7 years must be grim (what can i know, i'm only 19) but you "sound" like you're almost over it anyways, and your situation right now doesn't seem to be terrible after all, except for obvious emotional scars.
i also like the sports suggestion someone made a few posts above. i just started to play some b-ball again after not having done anything sports related for a good 4-5 years and it's just awesome. it will take a while to get back in shape but sports really help with everything :o
EPT
. I feel guilt. I want to try again with her and be a better guy. But I'm mad as hell when I think how she's with a new guy now, because I couldn't imagine getting with another girl for a good long while. I'm too devastated and hollowed out. But, I tell myself she's been hurting for years. She's been letting her love die for years. She didn't just turn around and find a new guy. He was a coworker for half a year. She gave me warning for months, but we were living together so it was hard to take it serious. She never tried to creep. 
Keep an open mind and go meet some new friends. 
so I suppose you are outta luck lol
