EPTI know that, because I'm sort of there myself.
So what's got Mora all bothered?
A few things. Most of which I'm not sympathetic to (even though it's myself, lol). I'm one of those personalities that's constantly on-the-go, always with a "let's get shit done" attitude. I don't suffer indecisiveness, self-pity, laziness, or boredom (in myself or in others) with much tolerance. If something is wrong, fix it. Life is rich, and grand, and full of amazing - if you don't think so you're either an idiot or you're lazy. (Douchebag, I know.) That being said, I understand that sometimes life can throw you a curveball, and sometimes it takes a while to learn how to dodge it, or get yourself back up if it knocked you down - it's for this reason that most of the people in my life turn to me for advice or pep talks. I'm a no-nonsense, understanding, let's get you back on your feet, today, like now, kind of listener. But I digress. My life is not amazing right now, and it's for a bunch of invalid reasons; despite that, I think I want to share them. So I'm going to. Who knows, maybe I'll feel better.
I'm an active guy. My body is my temple and all that horseshit, so I go out of my way to take care of it to make up for all the shit that I put it through. I go to the gym 3-4 days a week, I play soccer for 6-8 hours a week. I'm reasonably knowledgeable about nutrition, so I get a good amount of vegetables, protein, fiber, and all that wonderfulness. Well, at least I normally do. Since the 3rd week of December, I've been sick multiple times. First it was Bronchitis, followed by Pneumonia. Strept Throat, Tonsillitis, Sinusitis, and one more bout of Bronchitis and Pneumonia each, and it's only March 27 (I've been sick-free for about a week). That's 7 respiratory infections in 13 weeks. That means: no gym, no soccer, and a whole lot of stagnancy. I'm concerned about the frequency of all this and so is my doc; he's sent me for a bunch of tests. The big ones have come back negative (Lung Cancer and HIV), so we're looking into everything else. We found out along the way that I'm pretty severely anemic, which doesn't add up, as it's pretty rare for men to have anemia, and I eat tons of red meat. Since Anemia doesn't make you sick, it would seem that it's another symptom and not the cause. I've now had 25 vials of blood, 2 urine and 1 stool sample taken in the last 3 weeks.
As I mentioned, I'm pretty hard on my body. I get at most 6 hours of sleep a night, probably getting only 4 hours of sleep at least two nights a week. (I know, right here you're calling me an idiot - that sleep is important, no wonder I get sick). I also drink. A lot. I consume 3 liters of beer or 13 oz of vodka every night (literally) of the week (I was seeing a psychologist a few months back, and we challenged myself to 1 sober night a week, and it was a great challenge). I also like to engage in recreational substances, though certainly less than I used to. While I like to have fun, I'm in a leadership position at my work which I take very seriously, so I will often work 6-10 extra hours a week, and I never miss work from having a previous night of fun. Needless to say, I subscribe to the "work hard, play hard" kind of life, and it doesn't bother me that my body will probably shut down by the age of 60. I just don't like it happening now.
So what else?
Well, my family is a needy one. I love them to death, but I'm definitely the glue that holds everyone together. My sister is (was?) addicted to hard substances (she's cut way back) and would often need a place to stay after being awake for 4 days, or somewhere to go after her drug dealer boyfriend beat her up, or the provider when she needed money for rent. My mom was doing rough last May and needed somewhere to stay, so I thought I would take her in as a roommate for a couple of months until she got on her feet. Shortly afterwards, things got worse - she had a mental breakdown at work from it's unhealthy environment, and my father broke up with her on the day of her major surgery to fix her diverticulitis. She took stress leave in June, was still off in August, and then cut off of all financial assistance at that point in time. I've been her sole support system - both financially and emotionally - since then. Let me tell you, taking on another human being at the wee age of 25 is tough. Especially when this other human being has 51 years of established [bad] habits and behaviors. It's an odd kind of role reversal that took me a long time to get used to. I really struggled with it for a few months (ergo seeing the psychologist I mentioned earlier) but I came to realize just how lucky I am that I make enough money to support two people;I know that on my death bed (hopefully far into the future) I'm not going to begrudge the few tens of thousands of dollars I spent taking care of the person who's loved me most in this world.
And then there's my quest for finding a partner (or lack there of). I get around quite a bit, having solid genes (Thanks Mom, Dad!) that appeal to the type of gay man I'm attracted to. (I'm beefy, hairy, masculine, with a crooked but endearing smile). I don't specifically go out of my way to not get close to people, but it's rare when it happens. One such happenstance occurred recently. His name is Royce and he's pretty much perfect, personality wise. Physically though, he's not my type at all - skinny, hairless, clean shaven, etc. - but we gel really nicely. I've never been so crazy about someone. But the timing is just off. I'm depressed, unhealthy, with a drinking problem, too much stress, and the lowest confidence I've had in years; I can't work through this "you're not my type" thing while I'm in this kind of condition. So we 'broke up' a few days back, and that sorta sucks balls. If we had decided to try this thing out 6 months from now, I might have been the person we both wanted me to be.
So I'm trying to make better decisions and instigate better moods and thoughts by establishing positive behaviors. I quit smoking about a month ago, and have ceased all recreational substance use. I've been sober for 4 days now. The last time I talked to my doctor I inquired about the lack of exercise (as I honestly think this is the sole cause of my depression) to which I learned that it's not unhealthy to get exercise when sick! Apparently, you can run, lift weights, all that jazz, and that it's conducive to getting better. If you start to cough up blood or cough so hard you start to puke, you should stop for the day, but you can get going the day after. Fucking booyah. (Everyone at the gym will love me as I work out with pneumonia. lol) I've made an effort to get more sleep, so my average hours last week were probably 7 hours a night, with no 4-hour nighters.
And?
I still feel like ass, but I think I feel better than I did a week ago.
In anycase, thanks for listening though It's a bit long winded. For all those people who might not sympathize with my situation but are down just like me, you're not alone. Share your story, you might feel a little better.
edit - took out an unnecessary self-deprecating comment.
We'll see you eventually! I saw Colin talking to you on b.net.
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