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Everyone 'knows' that guy. The one who's always around, but isn't really there. That guy's me.
I am 20 years old, a student at the technical university of Vienna, ugly and stupid. Not particularly funny too.
So yeah...it seems to me, as if I don't even exist for most people. Everyone's acting all nice with me on the outside, but the body language is betraying them. They don't want to get near me - "accidental" barriers are built so there's something between me and the person sitting next to me. I say "accidental" because I asked a girl why she did that, and her face went red in shame. She then proceeded to tell me that she did it subconsciously. I don't know how that was supposed to calm me, but whatever.
I stated above that I am stupid. That is the truth. But for some reason, other students want my help in subjects like math. I do think of myself as a nice person. When someone asks for my help, I help them. But I'm losing faith in doing that. I don't get anything in return.
A few months ago, I floated the idea of watching a movie together with the students I hang around most of the time. They agreed, which made me happy. A week later, most of them had gone see the movie. Without me, of course.
Another movie example(stupid I know, but brings the point across I think): I went and watched "Machete". Something I told everyone. I made a Facebook-status-update about it. Nobody cared. A week later a friend of mine - we study together - watched it too. The rest of the group was all over it.
Those aren't isolated events. Stuff like that happens all the time. The only thing people recall about me, is that I helped them with math. So, I'm getting depressed on some days, when I think about it. Then I think about if being nice is worth it. I could act like a complete asshole and I don't think that would change much. I might lose the shallow conversations I'm having. Whatever.
Now, the part that gets to me the most is that I've met maybe 4 persons(family excluded) in my whole life that were honest to me. Everyone else acts.
And it's not even good acting. I can read body language. I can recall conversations that are months old and check the informations that were given to me in the past against the ones right now. With that, even I can catch 99% of all lies thrown at me. It's not rocket science.
Is there anything I can do to change that, or should I just live it down, like I've been doing for the past 10 years?
-ChrisXIV
PS: I won't kill myself, don't worry.
 
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You call yourself stupid, yet you can help people with math and read people's body language?
Stop putting yourself down and start being arrogant.
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Well, have you ever asked yourself why people don't want to socialise with you? You said you were "ugly and stupid", but that's hardly a good analysis. Think of someone you know who's really good at talking with people and compare his behaviour/looks etc. to yours. When you've discovered the differences between said person and you, you can go ahead and start improving.
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On January 31 2011 00:16 kane]deth[ wrote:
You call yourself stupid, yet you can help people with math and read people's body language?
Stop putting yourself down and start being arrogant.
Yes, I can help people with math. It's not a matter of intelligence, really. You would be surprised, but even at a technical university people have problems understanding the difference between "+" and "-". An equation like "(-1) - (-2) = ?" is child's play.
Body language also doesn't depend on intelligence. A few factors that can easily be separated into yes/no states.
I do not think that I have the self esteem to act arrogant. -_-
Edit:
On January 31 2011 00:18 d1v wrote:
Well, have you ever asked yourself why people don't want to socialise with you? You said you were "ugly and stupid", but that's hardly a good analysis. Think of someone you know who's really good at talking with people and compare his behaviour/looks etc. to yours. When you've discovered the differences between said person and you, you can go ahead and start improving.
That friend of mine I mentioned above? I am sometimes mistaken for him and vice versa. But he still is way better at socialising.
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sup bro
what are you studying?
I'm similar I guess but you just have to find the right people. Ditch those who are fake and phony and try to find people who care. It's doable.
I have a very small friend core who are listening and shit, all the others are like what you described. Fuck them.
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Also yeah its ridiculous how bad fellow students are.
We had people in Math 3 not being able to draw x².
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Russian Federation42 Posts
You would be surprised, but even at a technical university people have problems understanding the difference between "+" and "-".
We had people in Math 3 not being able to draw x².
wtf.. (
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People gravitate towards those who have a lively personality. Personally, I'm kinda invisible myself but I don't really blame anyone. I'm just not a lively, vibrant, person.There's a guy I work with, we're the same age born just 10 days apart but everyone loves working with him and hates working with me. I accept it for what it is. He's talkative, humourous, actually enjoys helping people and smiles often. I'm none of that.
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On January 31 2011 00:25 fanta[Rn] wrote:
sup bro
what are you studying?
I'm similar I guess but you just have to find the right people. Ditch those who are fake and phony and try to find people who care. It's doable.
I have a very small friend core who are listening and shit, all the others are like what you described. Fuck them.
Media informatics, first semester. I should be learning right now...
You make it sound so easy. I might just do that next semester.
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Yeah then we're doing the same, I'm just a bit ahead.
Sucks that they're gonna change media informatics this winter. Were you gonna go for CG?
And no, it's not really easy. I had the fortune to have started studies together with 3 ex school mates so our relationships were already established. But prior to media informatics I did half a year of physics and the group I was hanging with was exactly like what you described.
If you're not outgoing and a good story teller, those groups are terrible to be in. You'll always feel bad about yourself. Much better to be in a group with people you know are genuinely caring.
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Are you a man or a kindergarten girl? Stop acting like you were the victim of the whole world's evil plot, get some confidence and you'll be suprised how many of your problems will be solved.
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i believe your core problem is that you think you have to behave in some special way to be liked. for example you probably think girls couldn't like you just for who you are...
the thing is... you are acting yourself. if you keep your eyes open, you might find that you become more by trying less. you are trying to be something. a.k.a. acting. if you stop it and start to be authentic, people will be more authentic towards you too.
tbh, it's a problem that everyone has.
keep your eyes open... life isn't as shallow as TV tells us... people aren't as shallow... they are just insecure like you. they can't be as authentic as they really would want inside. me included.
on some days you can feel your own shallowness fall away... you just stop trying every now and then. i'm sure it happened to you but you haven't recognized yet. one day you might see it... and then you know in which direction you have to take your life.
or just do what zbir tells you. get confidence  . it sums up what i've been trying to say.
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On January 31 2011 00:45 fanta[Rn] wrote:
Yeah then we're doing the same, I'm just a bit ahead.
Sucks that they're gonna change media informatics this winter. Were you gonna go for CG?
And no, it's not really easy. I had the fortune to have started studies together with 3 ex school mates so our relationships were already established. But prior to media informatics I did half a year of physics and the group I was hanging with was exactly like what you described.
If you're not outgoing and a good story teller, those groups are terrible to be in. You'll always feel bad about yourself. Much better to be in a group with people you know are genuinely caring.
I was thinking about taking the "design" path. Maybe change to software and information engineering.
On January 31 2011 01:02 beg wrote:i believe your core problem is that you think you have to behave in some special way to be liked. for example you probably think girls couldn't like you just for who you are... the thing is... you are acting yourself. if you keep your eyes open, you might find that you become more by trying less. you are trying to be something. a.k.a. acting. if you stop it and start to be authentic, people will be more authentic towards you too. tbh, it's a problem that everyone has. keep your eyes open... life isn't as shallow as TV tells us... people aren't as shallow... they are just insecure like you. they can't be as authentic as they really would want inside. me included. on some days you can feel your own shallowness fall away... you just stop trying every now and then. i'm sure it happened to you but you haven't recognized yet. one day you might see it... and then you know in which direction you have to take your life. or just do what zbir tells you. get confidence . it sums up what i've been trying to say.
Not exactly "liked". "Noticed" will do. I actually think that no girl will ever like me for any reason, but that's for another blog about me being the victim of the whole world's evil plot.
I stopped acting three years ago. I mean, I don't blurt out whatever is on my mind to the public, but I am as honest as I can without causing a huge drama.
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Everyone can read body language, even when they're not mentally aware of it. In the same way you feel people are "fake" others will probably look at you and see that you have 0 confidence. No matter how you look at it, hanging out will people that are down all the time is simply uninteresting.
The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
For instance, when someone ask you to help him/ her with their math. Don't give them a bland look and say "k". Show some attitude, think about it for a couple of seconds to show your time is actually worth something. Joke around, ask what's in it for you (girl) or demand him to bring some snacks or w/e. You can even pretend you're kinda busy and say you'll get back to them. Anything that shows you're not freeware.
If you believe your time and effort is worth something they'll believe it. Work on walking more confidently, not a pathetic "I hope no-one sees me" walk, because body language is pretty much everything. Try and get a more positive attitude even though you don't completely believe it yet yourself.
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On January 31 2011 01:31 Saechiis wrote:
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
so you should try to NOT be yourself? Ehhh :/
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The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
That's a pretty bold statement. I'm not going to put words in your mouth because I believe you are street-savvy to know what I'm talking about in the following paragraphs, but some people honestly don't so the next paragraphs are for them:
I hear all these people throwing out "oh everybody is fake" as if they are the last person who is "real." Don't get all arrogant and act like you are the last "real" person because chances are, you are just as "fake" or even more "fake" than the rest of them.
Hell, what does being "fake" really mean? Acting like someone you aren't? Who are you then? If what you do doesn't define who you are, then what defines you? All these "real" kids start labeling other kids "fake" just because they feel like they know who the other kid "really" is. It's completely arrogant and it is completely childish. Don't go around calling others "fake" because you really don't know.
Don't throw say you are "real" just because you are all counter-culture or do things that others don't do. Someone who follows the crowd is just as fake as someone who deliberately does things that seemingly go against the crowd. If you want to get to the core of the social problems, don't bother with this "fake" or "real" nonsense that just scratches the surface. You must go deeper.
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United Kingdom381 Posts
This is not your problem dude. Be exactly how you want to be, walk how you want to walk, and if someone gets you, then they'll get you.
I met hundreds of kids at university, and only three or four actually listened to what other people had to say, had genuine thoughts of their own, and they were always the funniest and the best to be around. There are millions of people like you and me and my friends and the tricky thing is sifting through all the brainless dullards to find them. The problem is we're not inherently social: because we're (rightly) not confident enough to think we're that important that everyone should want to flock to us.
Once you make some friends like that you forget about everyone else. So just hang tight. You can try and get close to similar people (i.e. through joining clubs etc) but all of my good friendships have happened naturally, through classes and some good old fashioned chance.
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Fuck them. It's as simple as that. I've had a similar experience. There were people who I thought were my friends. After we came back from break, they all started to ignore me, or only respond minimally. I decided that if they were going to be assholes, I would stop trying. I made it perfectly clear how arrogant I was, so that wasn't the problem. I've realized that people are fundamentally lonely. Moreover, I don't need idiots as my friends. It took them ignoring me to know understand how stupid they were. You just need one really good friend to depend on and that person doesn't even need to be near you, with the advent of the internet and all.
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United Kingdom381 Posts
On January 31 2011 01:50 vindKtiv wrote:Show nested quote +The world is full of fake people, in my high school I'd estimate 95% of people were pretending to be someone they're not. You either have to fake being a charismatic person or find friends who are like you.
That's a pretty bold statement. I'm not going to put words in your mouth because I believe you are street-savvy to know what I'm talking about in the following paragraphs, but some people honestly don't so the next paragraphs are for them: I hear all these people throwing out "oh everybody is fake" as if they are the last person who is "real." Don't get all arrogant and act like you are the last "real" person because chances are, you are just as "fake" or even more "fake" than the rest of them. Hell, what does being "fake" really mean? Acting like someone you aren't? Who are you then? If what you do doesn't define who you are, then what defines you? All these "real" kids start labeling other kids "fake" just because they feel like they know who the other kid "really" is. It's completely arrogant and it is completely childish. Don't go around calling others "fake" because you really don't know. Don't throw say you are "real" just because you are all counter-culture or do things that others don't do. Someone who follows the crowd is just as fake as someone who deliberately does things that seemingly go against the crowd. If you want to get to the core of the social problems, don't bother with this "fake" or "real" nonsense that just scratches the surface. You must go deeper.
No need to blow up on him. We get the gist of what fake means: a lack of self-understanding, incuriousness, obsession with status.
Of course a self-analytical person will know that we are all a little guilty of this, but there's a scale.
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On January 31 2011 01:37 tenacity wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2011 01:31 Saechiis wrote:
Simply being a nice though uninteresting personality only works in movies, so don't be surprised when the guy you perceive to be an asshole gets the girl. Being a liked person takes effort when it doesn't come natural to you, so you'll have to actually make a conscious effort to NOT act like you'd normally do.
so you should try to NOT be yourself? Ehhh :/
Way to take things out of context.
I told him to either make a conscious effort to be the kind of guy that most people like to be around, or to find friends that are just like him. In the first case it would require him to step out of his comfort zone and behave different, yes. Behaving different doesn't mean NOT being yourself. Being secure or insecure is a state of mind, not a personality trade.
OP's problem seems to be a serious lack of self-esteem and it's only going to improve if he starts believing he has influence on his situation rather than convincing himself that everyone is just an asshole for no reason.
Edit: for the record, I found friends who were just like me: nerdy, quirky and not so involved in acquiring social status. OP though, gave me the impression that he'd like to be more of a man of the public and he shouldn't believe he isn't because he's just unlucky.
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You are the reason things are as they are. You call yourself 'ugly, stupid and not particularly funny' - would you like to be friends with someone like this? If you really believe in this negative self-image of yours, people will react to it and be put off by this negative vibe you emit.
You have created an invisible cell for yourself out of negative (and false) beliefs you constantly try to re-inforce. You may very well be able to read bodylanguage but this borders dangerously close to 'I can read minds and know exactly what this person thinks of me', thus interpreting every random gesture as a hostile act towards you. Memory, too, can be distorted by your emotional state. I am not saying that you cannot read bodylanguage or remember certain dialogues long past but the same part of you that is responsible for your 'I am ugly and stupid' self-image will also negatively connote your memories and perception of things. Your perception of things is not the truth but your own interpretation.
If the girl subconsciously put a barrier between you and her she did it for a reason. I know this is tough but somehow she felt threatened and acted accordingly - maybe it was, for a change, your bodylanguage or the vibe you gave off. You know what? You would probably have acted the same way as she did.
You will be perceived by others the same way you perceive yourself. Your self-image is not a realistic one. You consider yourself stupid even though you are attending university, have great English skills and help your peers with their work. An Asian Wunderkind might regard you as being comparatively stupid but not the guy working at Subway wishing he had gone to college - again, perception.Their views do not matter though.
Change your self-image. You have your strong and weak points but you need to view them realistically. At the moment, you only see negative aspects of your personality, totally blown out of proportion. Yes, there might have been occasions were you did not act smart or funny but the same is true for the opposite. Always try to re-inforce your positive beliefs, creating a strong foundation - just ask yourself why you are smart and come up with as many reasons you - realistically - can. Creating an overly positive image of yourself is almost as bad as an overly negative one and will not help you. This also requires mental discipline and awareness: Everytime you catch yourself thinking that you are stupid you have to trigger your more realistic views of yourself into action - 'Well, I am attending university, so I cannot be that stupid'. If you honestly think that you are ugly - change it. Get yourself a new haircut, start working out, buy new clothes - and remember these things the next time you think you are ugly.
People naturally flock to people with a positive aura. One of my friends is a very bubbly, lively and happy person, can talk to anyone and shows interest in others. She has a lot of friends. I know this is hard but if you start to emulate such persons, people will perceive you much better. Greeting people you only know somewhat, showing interest in how they are and what they do. Making them feel good about themselves.
This post has become far bigger than I initially wanted to. In no way did I want to patronise you - I have been (and sometimes still are) in your shoes and know what it is like. If you change, people around you will change too. I wish you all the best.
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I really doubt you being 'ugly and stupid' is the reason people do not want to socialize with you. I can imagine you from your description of yourself, and the problem seems to be that you're too busy trying to be nice rather than being yourself, which results in a very socially akward aura around you. THIS is why people aren't comfortable around you - they're not sure who you are because your act is not based on who you want to be, but who you think they want you to be.
So yea, relax a little, don't worry too much about what others think, and just act like a moderate version of how you are when around family/friends. Also, helping people is fine, but helping too much is a problem - if it's a menial task they can very much do themselves, then let them do it themselves; you're not their slave. If it's something only you can help them with, help them enthusiastically as this is a way of you showing your proficience as well as helping someone truly in need of help. This is a display of personality that can outshine your social awkwardness.
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Meh i'm an introvert
The story sounds familiar enough
I've experienced some of the other side because i studied, understood and manipulated it
As an introvert, it really isn't all its cooked up to be - you'll find out quickly enough that the reason you arn't like that is because on the inside, you don't really want to be
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Stop living your life for other people. I see that oozing from your posts. Nothing about what you want to do, or what kind of person you want to be, just how you want other people see you or you want other people to treat you. Of course people see you as invisible, because you are, you lack a clear identity outside of a desire to be valued.
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Do you think the people around you are interesting at all?
They are not, that's what makes it all the more silly.
You just gotta be yourself even if everyone else has an act on.
People do that, to get to know another person takes normally years if you get to know them at all.
You can be "friends" with a million people but when you think about it they all seem to act in similar ways and infact you know nothing about them. I had this revelation with many of my oldest friends even, when I stopped trying to please everyone I "lost" most of them. But at the same time I hadn't lost anything, I just could recognize the real friends better.
But I think you will be alone alot. You are afraid of it and you will hate it at first, but learning to do things by yourself and enjoy your life just by yourself is the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced.
conclusion:"It's hard to befriend people because everyone is so afraid of being left alone"
It's simple logic in the end. Took me close to 7 years to realize. And I've never been to a situation like yours.
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You sound pretty intelligent to me... I know a lot of people who can't pick up when they are not liked. I'm not sure of a solution to your problem though, but I would just be myself; if people like me, then they like me.
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What you think other people think of you isn't what other people actually think of you, your perception of other's perception of you is wrong. If you don't believe that, then ask yourself if you can't even emphasize with someone how could you possibly know what they're thinking? All that body-language and shit is bullshit you rationalized, basically seeing what you want to see and ignoring the rest in order to confirm a conclusion you're not willing to give up on. You bring up all these isolated events and they all have the same motif, you're passive as fuck.
Evidence you're passive as fuck:
+ Show Spoiler +When someone asks for my help, I help them. But I'm losing faith in doing that. I don't get anything in return. Passive, they ask for your help, you help them but you expect something in return without doing anything? If [you think] you're so fucking stupid go ask them for help on your homework on a subject you don't know. Stop expecting shit to be handed to you; if you think a good deed isn't reward in itself, then before you finish helping ask them for help on something. I floated the idea of watching a movie together with the students I hang around most of the time. Stop "floating" anything, find a time, a theater, then just straight up ask if they want to go. [Went the see a movie...] Something I told everyone. Stop expecting people to go "oh cool lets see it together", do you know how awkward that is? Invite people. I don't know if this is just my culture, but I find it rude to invite myself to a movie if someone's just talking about going. if they don't invite me then it's assumed they don't want to see this particular movie with me. etc. etc. etc. I got depressed reading that shit but you get the point, stop expecting shit. You don't have to be nice, but you gotta do stuff instead of waiting for stuff.
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On January 31 2011 02:23 Quint wrote:
You are the reason things are as they are. You call yourself 'ugly, stupid and not particularly funny' - would you like to be friends with someone like this? If you really believe in this negative self-image of yours, people will react to it and be put off by this negative vibe you emit.
You have created an invisible cell for yourself out of negative (and false) beliefs you constantly try to re-inforce. You may very well be able to read bodylanguage but this borders dangerously close to 'I can read minds and know exactly what this person thinks of me', thus interpreting every random gesture as a hostile act towards you. Memory, too, can be distorted by your emotional state. I am not saying that you cannot read bodylanguage or remember certain dialogues long past but the same part of you that is responsible for your 'I am ugly and stupid' self-image will also negatively connote your memories and perception of things. Your perception of things is not the truth but your own interpretation.
If the girl subconsciously put a barrier between you and her she did it for a reason. I know this is tough but somehow she felt threatened and acted accordingly - maybe it was, for a change, your bodylanguage or the vibe you gave off. You know what? You would probably have acted the same way as she did.
You will be perceived by others the same way you perceive yourself. Your self-image is not a realistic one. You consider yourself stupid even though you are attending university, have great English skills and help your peers with their work. An Asian Wunderkind might regard you as being comparatively stupid but not the guy working at Subway wishing he had gone to college - again, perception.Their views do not matter though.
Change your self-image. You have your strong and weak points but you need to view them realistically. At the moment, you only see negative aspects of your personality, totally blown out of proportion. Yes, there might have been occasions were you did not act smart or funny but the same is true for the opposite. Always try to re-inforce your positive beliefs, creating a strong foundation - just ask yourself why you are smart and come up with as many reasons you - realistically - can. Creating an overly positive image of yourself is almost as bad as an overly negative one and will not help you. This also requires mental discipline and awareness: Everytime you catch yourself thinking that you are stupid you have to trigger your more realistic views of yourself into action - 'Well, I am attending university, so I cannot be that stupid'. If you honestly think that you are ugly - change it. Get yourself a new haircut, start working out, buy new clothes - and remember these things the next time you think you are ugly.
People naturally flock to people with a positive aura. One of my friends is a very bubbly, lively and happy person, can talk to anyone and shows interest in others. She has a lot of friends. I know this is hard but if you start to emulate such persons, people will perceive you much better. Greeting people you only know somewhat, showing interest in how they are and what they do. Making them feel good about themselves.
This post has become far bigger than I initially wanted to. In no way did I want to patronise you - I have been (and sometimes still are) in your shoes and know what it is like. If you change, people around you will change too. I wish you all the best.
enough said here, i actually agree with every word he puts up here
you're the one you claim yourself to be
im no handsome guy or anything, but being positive, smile, people will renember you, you might think a smile is overrated, but in my eperience, it isnt.
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There's no need to be anyone special, Be yourself. I used to be this invisible kid, And particulary a dork and always got bullied (In the early school days) Then i came on high school. I got respected. People laugh with me, And i got a chance to kick the bullies in the face and get away with it.
Sometimes the friends you think are your friends really arent. Try to find real friends is my advice. Somewhere, Someone. Is something that what you can call a "True Friend" someday. Just search harder.
Oh, And if people ask you to do their maths homework or help them. Be a dick and say no. Since if you barely even know them. they never talk to you untill the moment they need your help.
No is the only good answer.
You could use a boost in your Self-Confidence tough. Don't think your better than the rest. But just as equal. Your not stupid or ugly. and you can be just as fun as your friends.
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Well firstly, as others have said, you clearly aren't stupid.
Secondly, there are lots of people (especially guys) that won't give a shit what you look like if you just get to know them. Just relax about it, and be content with your realizations that most people are shallow. Why worry about it?
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I was this in early high school. Read How to win Friends and Influence people by Dale Carnegie.
Good book despite being old.
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friends are useless, when you're in need financial/emotional need whose most likely to help you? exactly nobody, with exception to your family.
Find a hobby that you enjoy doing with or without other people. Once you know what that is, people you can relate with will always come to you to do that hobby that you both enjoy.
Don't stress about it.
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Don't base your sense of self worth on others. Be who you are, don't apologize for it, but don't expect anything for it, either.
I used to do the same thing. If someone doesn't like me, fuck 'em. I know what I have to offer. I don't need someone's approval or sympathy.
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Alright OP, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Take up a sport you've never been good at and work at it.
It gives your mind something to think about, which leaves less time for you to think about what others think about you.
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Honestly, the real good people in the world, the people who don't care about appearances or precisely how intelligent you are, those are the people you want to be friends with. So in some ways it is a curse to be good looking and smart, because then everyone wants to be friends with you because of those things which don't matter, and you have to weed out the real people from the fake. So work on the things that matter, like being awesome, good, happy, and moral, (and of course starcraft right haha  ), and the people you actually want to be friends with will see through the shit nobody else does. Those are the people that matter.
Another option is simply to ignore everyone in life who doesn't like you to a great extent and spend alot of time on the internet/playing starcraft. When you're on the internet nobody can tell how you look, or how good you are at math or science or whatever, and nobody cares. That's why I like the internet so much. In real life just ignore everyone and everything you don't like, and think about starcraft or something you like or whatever. Hope this helps!
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You should wrap Christmas lights all around you, dye your hair orange, and attach sparklers to your clothes and light them periodically. Everyone will be able to see you then. =]
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On January 31 2011 07:08 Drizzt3 wrote: Honestly, the real good people in the world, the people who don't care about appearances or precisely how intelligent you are, those are the people you want to be friends with. So in some ways it is a curse to be good looking and smart, because then everyone wants to be friends with you because of those things which don't matter, and you have to weed out the real people from the fake. So work on the things that matter, like being awesome, good, happy, and moral, (and of course starcraft right haha ), and the people you actually want to be friends with will see through the shit nobody else does. Those are the people that matter. Another option is simply to ignore everyone in life who doesn't like you to a great extent and spend alot of time on the internet/playing starcraft. When you're on the internet nobody can tell how you look, or how good you are at math or science or whatever, and nobody cares. That's why I like the internet so much. In real life just ignore everyone and everything you don't like, and think about starcraft or something you like or whatever. Hope this helps!
Isn't hiding online all day merely a form of avoidance? How is that helping the OP at all?
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You ever think those people in your group you call friends aren't really your friends? To me, this rant sounded like a "I want to hang out with these people, but they don't like me" rant. Go find some new friends. It should solve all your problems .
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you havent even lived a 1/4 of your life yet, why you so worried bro. if you're an introvert it's because you don't want to be an extrovert. maybe do some drugs to break the edge with people. get to the point where you don't care at all what people think about you, and then judge the results
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I hear you brother. Your experience is very similar to me. However, it seems there are some things that you need to realize.
You need to first realize what kind of person you are. Are you an actual shy person or an introvert? There is, despite the confusion, a big difference between the two terms. A shy person is someone who is...well shy. He/she cannot bring them self to the social circle BECAUSE of fear or lack of confidence. Your mind is PREVENTING you from socializing. An introvert is someone who, by nature, is a quiet person. Someone who enjoys time by them self and likes to ponder things. Thinking inward like that of a scholar/philosopher. They CAN be a social person but they CHOOSE not to. It is taxing on them to be around others (especially they don't know) and even with loved ones/friends. They feel at peace and "recharge" their batteries by being alone.Think of it in SC terms. If it is tvz you being terran and meching, you don't try to go around with your thors and tanks trying to be mobile. That is zerg's playstyle. So find out what and who you are and use it as your spear point. Use it to attract the people, especially the ladies, and choose whom to befriend.
If you are an introvert, then that is what you are and you need to find out how to work with that. Make that your strong point. Don't try to be something that you are not. Which in this case is you believing you want to be an extrovert.
However if you are a shy person then you need to start reworking your self-image that you have so far portrayed yourself. Sadly, in society people smile and flock to the extroverts. Those would include party-goers, socializers, frats, etc... Now do not be disheartened I am not necessarily saying you should try to emulate this type of personality (unless you find out that is the type of person you are).Buy some new clothes, stop hunching your back, meet new people, start being proactive and start saying yes to everything. You have absolutely no idea what kind of people/event that you meet/experience by just going to that one"stupid little karaoke night" event by yourself. Just go to places and say hi to people that catches your eye. At first it will be awkward, you will have no instinct on what to say or how to interact people but it is ok. You are going for the experience, the most important thing in life. Just remember that you won't see the person, most likely, again so making a fool of yourself is kinda important. You are going to do it anyway, but you should do it so you know the feeling and learn to say "fuck it, who cares let me live life." Clubs (as in dance/rave clubs) are a GREAT place to do this. You can go by yourself and learn some type of clothing that and even dance moves that you can try to execute later, just remember that you are not limited to that area (expand your knowledge by paying attention to what everyone is wearing in public/campus). Go up to a girl, touch her shoulder, or just go right up to her and dance. You most likely will get shot down at first but its ok, it happens to EVERYONE. Embrace that feeling of embarrassment, then bend that over the table, fuck it, and walk to a new girl. Join academic clubs to meet more guys and girls. Just go out and experience how to interact people accordingly. This is also a great way to meet people that are interested in the same hobby as you. So it gives something for you both to talk about.
Later on you are going to realize that you will grow more proficient in speaking and interacting with people. You will grow from just talking simply to people with the "cookie cutter conversations" to interacting with people with your own style and flair. By your own style I mean you are going to start using your own analogies, creative statements, etc... Yea I know that was a horrible explanation but you will know what I mean. Soon you will grow charismatic, start being bold and confident. That is when you will really shine to your potential. This is when you start showing who you really are. How unique and different you are. This is what will make people befriend you, not in a shallow way, but in the most strongest type of bond. For me, I still have yet to meet a girl for 20 years BUT I have friends whom I am proud of to call. All the time people call me "weird" and "different." They look at me weird...but you know what...they can't stop having enough of me . They love me for whom I am. Be yourself. Don't settle to be the "social norm" unless that is who you are. Personally I think it is bland and I can't stand it. What is the point of trying to be what everybody is when you look for someone who is different...someone who stands out.
Just don't over think this. It is not hard. You will realize how easy it is to just start making friends and meeting people. You tutor people? Well then offer to meet them up somewhere like at a coffee shop and try to tutor and get to know them. Just talk. Say anything and something (obviously don't talk about something stupid like CP or a meme you know). You just need to start socializing and start getting out there. The more you put yourself out there, the more you increase your chance of running into someone special.
*Btw get use to meeting some "posers." What do you expect...a lot of people just try to fit into the circle...they try to hide their "unique-ness." The hard part is trying to find the good respectable people. If you find only a few, then HEY be happy. I am a strong believer of having only a handful but trustworthy friends who can can keep in touch of with all instead of having 10000000 friends on facebook but not knowing more then 3 of em.
**Also always try to look good everyday and everywhere. You have no idea how many times I met and interacted with an attractive girl while looking like shit in class because I had the mindset of "fuck the grooming I only have a 1hr block class. Go to class and get out." Extremely embarrasing and getting shut out fast :/
***Quint also said some good input. Whatever image that YOU put out on yourself is the image people will see on you. We humans have that subtle ability to sense and react to the aura someone gives out. If you act with no confidence and hate yourself, then most likely people will treat you like shit. Show that you have a backbone and people will at least give you that second look.
edit: hrrrmmmm. Idk how the majority of this post will relate to your situation...the more I read your post I keep getting a different scenario in my head. It seems like you know how to meet people but are having a hard time making "friends." Seems to me you keep trying to settle for the buttholes as your friends even though they sound like douches. You always have that option of ditching them and meet someone else... It also seems like you are not able to handle the emotions (rejection) very well thus you depressed. In this case go do what I said and learn how to control those emotions.
Other than that tip...some of this seem irrelevant...ehh I put a lot of work into this post...so I am just gonna leave it for reference for some poor soul looking for the light 
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Yeah, everything Quint said at the top of the page 2 is spot-on. I don't have much to add.
You have crap friends who seem to be using you for your mathematical prowess. If you're being treated badly then call them out on it! Either they can accept that you're right and they're excluding you from a lot of activities (in turn making you feel bad), or they can get pissed (their lack of admitting fault showing immaturity). The only way I would personally feel comfortable seeing these people again is a shift in their actions. Either way, if I were you I'd be looking for some new friends.
Before (or while) this happens, you need to do as Quint says and improve your self image. You already selflessly help people in school and have no problems admitting to being a nice guy. Start with that
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"We humans have that subtle ability to sense and react to the aura someone gives out. If you act with no confidence and hate yourself, then most likely people will treat you like shit. "
this is so true. depression is a constant reaffirming cycle. you feel like shit -> people treat you like shit -> you feel even worse. its disgusting and really shows you what the people around you are truely like. fucking animals. (especially females, who react very strongly with their animal/instinctive emotions and value their emotions very greatly; men can be more rational, empathetic and sympathetic, tho they can also be bullies.)
idk how to deal with it myself, other than give a big FUCK YOU to life, stop trusting everyone, and start just focusing on myself and learning a skill that i believe in and that will make me happy (like learning a language)
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Well I wouldn't say to stop trusting people and not care what others think and not have friends. It is a necessity to have those "instincts." Humans thrive off of socializing. We need to be social. Hell our species was able to survive the world and time because of us sticking together. By learning to stick with our species we evolved and survived. Prairie dogs are another example of the pros in being social and having a society.
We are most happy when we have someone we know to trust and love. That is our nature. And so it is in most animal. I am a firm believer in this. Sure you can accomplish all this great things not having to worry about your social life...but is it worth it? What is the point in having all this money and accomplishments...when you have no one to share with you when you go home...
That right there is the one question everyone asks. That is the one aspect in my life I am missing and sad and afraid...
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actually if people are making you feel shitty when you're depressed or anxious, id say thats a perfect reason not to trust them with your emotional wellbeing and to stop being friends with them.
there are enough nice people out there (somewhere) that you can safely say FUCK OFF YOU TWAT every time you realise that whoever you're hanging out with isnt good for you
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On January 31 2011 11:07 luckyseven wrote:
actually if people are making you feel shitty when you're depressed or anxious, id say thats a perfect reason not to trust them with your emotional wellbeing and to stop being friends with them.
there are enough nice people out there (somewhere) that you can safely say FUCK OFF YOU TWAT every time you realise that whoever you're hanging out with isnt good for you
well in that case that works.
seriously OP just call em out like you did to that girl you mentioned. Be like "uhh wtf I thought we were all gonna go see that movie together..."
If the signal is so strong and you can see it...just ditch them...no one deserves to be treated like shit. You can replace them. Obviously they don't care about you but need you for your math skills.
Btw you are not an actual "nice" guy if you want something in return. A true nice guy does tasks DESPITE knowing that he may never receive something back from that party...like me. It is in our gene to help people. Sure I could just start acting like an asshole and have complete disregard for others...but its easier said than done. If you are a true nice guy and you try to be an "asshole," you are going to realize how you won't be able to keep the act up...its a curse...but a blessing depending on how you are willing to "bend" your perception. It sucks....I know.
But I would rather be that small light in the dark room to help someone see and be extinguished by death's finger then let the darkness overwhelm it.
A great quote: "No one wants to be a nice guy. But everyone needs the nice guy."
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i think some people are so obsessed and anxious about how other people feel, and how they make other people feel, that they totally lose touch with how they themselves feel, and hence lose all sense of self-respect and personal values and etc
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i mean something so fucking basic as realising when you're hungry and saying out loud "im hungry lets go to a restuarant" . you suppress even such basic feelings because you attribute zero value to yourself. women are fucking great at "listening" to their feelings/bodies, but "nice guy" men fucking need to learn it from scratch
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On January 31 2011 11:35 luckyseven wrote:
i think some people are so obsessed and anxious about how other people feel, and how they make other people feel, that they totally lose touch with how they themselves feel, and hence lose all sense of self-respect and personal values and etc
I am somewhat guilty in that.
Any compliment I receive or any "accomplishment" that affected others positively I will cling on that and milk the value out of it.
Obviously I am not obsessed or that sad to make it unhealthy to stalk people...but I do wish I didn't care as much you know.
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To the op, honestly it just sounds like you're being too passive. If you float something like "hey wanna see this movie" and everyone says "sure eventually" then that's a maybe. It's not "we'll call you tomorrow at 8 to come with us". You can't expect people to take an interest in you out of nowhere, they have no incentive to add you to their group. You have to make it happen. Instead of changing your facebook status, you should be making wall posts (or better, talking or calling) instead. Otherwise you'll be randomguy001 that they'll forget about a few days down the road when they do see the movie.
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I haven't read every reply here, but from my own experience i can say:
1. Ignore everyone, stop caring about their opinion. You are who you are, you don't need them.
2. Don't help them for a while when they need help, just say "Sorry, i'm busy" or similar.
3. You are better than they are. You sound like a selfless, helpful, nice guy... there is one in a million who is like you... they aren't. They are selfish and they don't care about anyone (most people don't).
4. Live your life, do what you want to do. Sooner or later you will meet people that are like you and you won't be invisible to them - the SC playing girl of your dreams might be just around the corner.
5. Most people who think they are stupid aren't. You are maybe no genius, but i bet you are more intelligent than most people around you... though there is always someone who is just better in everything he does.
In short: Be who you are and do what you want, then everything will be fine.
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Go to an Asian country where foreigners are idolized!! Become auto-AWESOME!
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One way of dealing with your problem is to work on becoming the best/great at something. Could be something related to your field at college, could be something outside of it (business, games, art).
Such things take a few years, but at the end of it, through that process, you will have gained self confidence and a stronger understanding of who you are. Then you will realize the problem isn't about being invisible, it's about finding people that jive with who you are.
But you are no one until you make who you are.
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EPT
