|
So I'm very much procrastinating my Computer Organization homework (memory address reading for Tenenbaum's IJVM) that I mostly finished except I need to fix a couple issues dealing with branch offsets and coming up with an absolute value instruction, but no big deal.
I had an AMP not too long ago, horrible for me but I don't plan to sleep quite yet. I could just stay up all night and watch GSL and use my ticket for more than just VODs, but meh.
So bam, I'm here, listening to my roomie play Medievil on PSN's Classics, and staring intently at my screen, click-clicking my keyboard that has a lovely rage crack in it from terrible macro in SP when I first bought SC2.
I realized I don't want to have a life really. I wish I could just sit around, dream about my fantasy anime world where everyone and their Pikachu could frolic and get owned by Satan in the blink of an eye, where I could just reteach myself matrix operations on Wikipedia like a man (despite now being in Linear Algebra), and play booku(sp?) amounts of Starcraft 2 like I used to play vCoD and CoD2 back when I missed the golden opportunity to be amateur and possibly pro (thank you mom for being overprotective of my anus because of the fear mongering of the news claiming people on the Internet were collective pedophiles, I was unaware of 4chan after all).
I signed up for like, every SC2 tourney on Z33k. I'm having an overdose of competitiveness. I'm actually scaring myself.
I quote my mother "If you really think you could do it, go out and be a pro gamer." Yeah, she said it, but if you heard her, you could tell she just thought I'd screw myself: She's never liked me gaming, probably because I dedicated myself to being good at anything I did (shit, I analyze my own pissing for efficiency) and I never really shared how much I enjoyed it with her, I was just reclusive, but I never felt addicted. She just has all these misconceptions and thought I was reinforcing them, but I never was. I was angry because of my dad and how stressed my mom makes me, not because Mario jumped on heads or because the Tek Bow was so badass in Turok.
Digression aside, if I could be in GSL S3's prelims I would die a happy man. Sadly, I have no money and I have no balls.
I'm green with jade now-a-days. Where I used to be a dedicated kid, I'm just a cynical 20-year-old who wishes he wasn't so insecure to talk to women and could be good at things instantly. I've been working out, but I don't feel any better about myself, I just feel like I'm a bit healthier. Sorry, I don't care about health if in health my life is still meaningless.
I'm questioning my life as a software engineer. Sure, I like programming. I breathe life into a program that can write programs for you (yo dawg) and feel like a father (despite numerous Null Pointer Exceptions because I never accounted for empty data structures...) and it's so awesome that I would probably just die with a banana grin in the hospital if I had a wife giving birth. But I have no vision. I look at programming as an art. I create, I am a father, that class/object is my child. It does what I made it to do, I built the skeleton, I worked with the brain to make it function. I'd probably like Computer Engineering even more, although I'm devoid of understanding of complex electrical systems. A goal to overcome to say the least if I went that way. As of now I'm beating myself up figuring out practice problems for the ACM national programing competition coming up in November (our school sucks, except for this one guy who wrote a better voxel engine than the guy that made Minecraft but this is the last year he can attend...).
But I don't want to be stuck in a lame engineering job. I don't want to do databasing, I don't want to be part of a weapons R&D team, fuck industry. That sounds like the cubicle of the programming world to me. Developing a game...Oh man...Too bad I'd have to do lowly software contracts forever or personal projects until some team decided I was competent enough to get a more permanent position, then maybe sometime perhaps I'd be a project leader.
Seriously, pro-gaming seems more possible.
So, fuck socializing, I'm just going to play SC2 a lot until I finally get carpal tunnel (I've been playing so many vidya games I have no idea how my joints aren't screaming bloody murder yet) and see how I do at an amateur level. And yeah, my social life just isn't interesting. So I won't miss it. I can't really relate to anyone because no one around me cares about gaming like I do, except a tiny few. They're all too busy not being as good at things as they could be in a subpar engineering school (that used to be good stuff many many years ago before coal was the devil) still acting like high school shit matters, and that beer is the only thing in life worth working for (I do like some alcohol, but some of these people are ridiculous).
Sorry for the blatant and confused QQ. When the girl I wanted to ask out changed her FB status to "In A Relationship," I literally considered jumping in front of a coal train and I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Then I realized it wasn't so bad reading a rather crazy story about an ex-prisoner, so now I'm just lost in a sea of confusing life choices.
Not only that I swear Zerg feels just as hard to beat as they did in BW.
 
|
Do what makes you happy, but everything in moderation. Sounds like your parents love you and just always wanted you to be happy. And seriously fuck it, if you wanna hermit up for a month or 6 and game some time away DO it. Try to stay healthy and make sure you take regular breaks and it wont be too hard on your body. Anyways enjoyed the read and I feel like I can relate feeling bored with a life situation. Been there, too busy to be bored now 
|
0.o that's a long op, but it didn't stop me from reading it instead of going to bed.
As long as you aren't completely broke all the time, I would say go for it. "It" being a career in gaming, or at least competing in tournaments when you can. You sound pretty miserable as it is, so why keep it this way? If you don't succeed gaming, at least you will know that you tried. Cliche as that sounds, I think in the long run it will mean something.
|
great blog, thanks for sharing. it was a really interesting read. sorry to hear things aren't going great, but you sound like a smart dude and maybe an interesting programming job will come along. and good luck with ACM!
|
|
|
@ PaPaLung: Like I said, I'm working out and I get plenty of sleep (not tonight though). So I don't think I'm worried about wearing my body down. Honestly I still want to do well in school, so I'm going to have to basically study, play, and talk to just my roommate for sanity's sake.
@ 0mgVitaminE: I'm glad it compelled you.
Yeah, try it so you know is something I agree with. I should really...Which is why it's good to start small.
@ category: Thanks. I'm not really depressed and life isn't going horrible, I feel pretty good actually I'm just confused and I feel like my life is about to be compounded with a lot here in the next month depending on what I decide to do. Things seem bleak to me, but its like the type of bleak where you feel like you'll be a tool shortly if you don't do something.
Also, thanks for the good-luck on the ACM! I'm hoping for at least 2 balloons.
@ Felka: AMP is an energy drink here in the States. I think Pepsi distributes it.
|
On October 18 2010 16:20 RageOverdose wrote:
I realized I don't want to have a life really.
[Various life/studies/job concerns]
Do you really want chat rooms not want a life? If you feel your life sucks just by thinking about your future studies/jobs that's because you don't have anything else in it. If you had other things to care about and look forward to, it would still be a concern but it wouldn't make you feel so down. And you might even start thinking that the decent but not very exciting job that lets you get back home at 5pm and enjoy your personal life is quite nice compared to the life of a pro-gamer who might have an exciting job but hardly any time for anything else.
Not saying that you shouldn't go for pro-gaming, nor that you should just get a life now since that's much easier said than done. Just that this "I don't want to have a life anyway" mindset is really wrong and whatever you chose to do you should keep looking for stuff that can enhance your life (friends, a nice girl, activities you like, whatever) since that's the kind of stuff that's the most susceptible of making you actually happy in the long run.
|
On October 18 2010 18:20 Matoo- wrote:
And you might even start thinking that the decent but not very exciting job that lets you get back home at 5pm and enjoy your personal life is quite nice compared to the life of a pro-gamer who might have an exciting job but hardly any time for anything else.
Well it's not like you can force your idea of life onto him. He probably thinks he isnt suited for the regular corporate bullshit industry 9-5 job.
To OP, with a few slight adjustments, that could pass as my life story as well. 
|
|
|
do what you feel is right...
|
I envy software engineers (and you're one of them!) because I'm not great at programming myself x_x and it's probably going to hurt my job chances and performances (I'm in my final year of study in undergraduate infrastructure engineering). Sure, infrastructure doesn't really involve hardcore programming, but almost all employers (that I've interviewed and failed to get a job yet) asked me for C++ / C# knowledge and experience.
|
On October 18 2010 18:20 Matoo- wrote:Show nested quote +On October 18 2010 16:20 RageOverdose wrote:
I realized I don't want to have a life really.
[Various life/studies/job concerns]
Do you really want chat rooms not want a life? If you feel your life sucks just by thinking about your future studies/jobs that's because you don't have anything else in it. If you had other things to care about and look forward to, it would still be a concern but it wouldn't make you feel so down. And you might even start thinking that the decent but not very exciting job that lets you get back home at 5pm and enjoy your personal life is quite nice compared to the life of a pro-gamer who might have an exciting job but hardly any time for anything else. Not saying that you shouldn't go for pro-gaming, nor that you should just get a life now since that's much easier said than done. Just that this "I don't want to have a life anyway" mindset is really wrong and whatever you chose to do you should keep looking for stuff that can enhance your life (friends, a nice girl, activities you like, whatever) since that's the kind of stuff that's the most susceptible of making you actually happy in the long run.
Okay, I need to get it straight in my head that I'm not talking to people who would perfectly understand me, because after all, this is a very diverse forum.
I didn't make that statement clear, and I'm going to right about nowish.
When I say I don't want a life, I'm talking about that social life that people here in the States tend to refer to, where you go out and talk to people, hang out, have relationships, and just socialize in, what has been for me, pretty superficial ways. I don't really care about getting drunk with people in a friendly environment (done it), most girls in my area just don't interest me in any way that isn't just sexual (uninteresting, "rehashed" women), and frankly talking to people in shallow ways is just a waste of my time, unless I need to do it, and usually I don't.
I just don't get anything out of socializing like a regular person. I still like to be around people, but I need some meaning out of it, and it's hard to extract from what college socializing seems to be most of the time.
I want a "life" in the sense that I'd like a job, I would like a family, but at this point I'd rather place academics or my skills above being social. I'm also not sure I'd like being a job where I don't feel creative in some way. Again, I enjoy entertaining people, and I can separate that from being social. I mean that I would love an environment where my creativity can make people happy.
There are other problems with me realizing that goal that I'm not going to discuss here.
And you can make friends in anything quite frankly, be it being a pro-gamer or being a software designer, you make friends and you form relationships in that environment, and to me, forming relationships in something I love is so much more engaging than just forming relationships in things that just pass the time. But that's just me, other people love that. I'm not them.
|
I'm not sure if dropping the six figure salary and trying to be a progamer is the most logical choice...
You're more than just what you do for money you know. Wife, kids, and your affect on your family and friends is so much more important in the long run. Sure you're 20 and you don't need to worry about girls in any serious light -- skills really all more important at the moment -- but there is a high possibility that at some point that day will come.
Be proud of yourself because you're you. Work hard and improve you.
|
Life on energy drinks is equivalent.
|
LOL, I love reading these...
TeamLiquid college student is proud of his academic prowess, yet admittedly suffers from social anxiety. Following a devastating blow to his ego via facebook status update, said college student considers the possibility of progaming.
Protip #1
If the competition is as fierce in SC2 as it was for SC1, you have less than a 0.1% chance to make a living from the game... and that's being extremely generous. I figure that in the last decade, only about 50 players made over $35,000 / year. I'm also low-balling the number of "serious" players that wanted to become professional at 50,000 (that number is probably more like the amount of serious players in Seoul). Be cool, stay in school !
Protip #2
Get out more or move somewhere where you can meet new people. Life is more enjoyable when you have people to share it with. If you are socially awkward nerd, find other socially awkward nerds to hang out with.
|
On October 19 2010 04:19 ProTech_MediC wrote:
Protip #1
If the competition is as fierce in SC2 as it was for SC1, you have less than a 0.1% chance to make a living from the game... and that's being extremely generous. I figure that in the last decade, only about 50 players made over $35,000 / year. I'm also low-balling the number of "serious" players that wanted to become professional at 50,000 (that number is probably more like the amount of serious players in Seoul). Be cool, stay in school !
These numbers are actually grosely exaggerated. Think more along the lines of .005 (one in fifty thousand seems fair) in making it as a pro. Oh, and a good salary? Think more of more like ~5 players on the earth.
|
On October 19 2010 04:19 ProTech_MediC wrote:
LOL, I love reading these...
TeamLiquid college student is proud of his academic prowess, yet admittedly suffers from social anxiety. Following a devastating blow to his ego via facebook status update, said college student considers the possibility of progaming.
I love reading these too.
Yeah, the Facebook status update made me upset, but I just kinda got over it because I realized that patience is what I need at this point in my life; the environment I'm in doesn't support active dating and she wasn't the one like I thought. Denial? Could be, but I'm content with what I think about all that now.
As for your protips, they ignore what I've said. If I can't even handle amateur shit, I won't even go for bigger leagues, I'm not an idealist who's going to destroy himself for a dream, life isn't a movie where the world is built to work for you. Your statistics mean nothing to me because I don't care at this point (and I've already considered how hard it would be) and they're made up, so it's nothing but symbols
I have a few choices, school + social life, school + gaming, school, gaming, social life, etc. I'm going for school + gaming. Honestly I'd rather just better myself in both of these than talk to new people, and actually that's my best chance at meeting new people anyway. Getting out is boring to me, as I've said, and the people I meet just aren't interesting. That doesn't mean I can't find an interesting person, but it usually never happens. Your way is not absolute.
|
Man, all i gotta tell you is that a no-social life is a wrong choice under any circumstances and you won't probably ever be happy if you choose what you are talking about here. Human nature is living in groups and socializing and everyone has this inside head no matter what, imagine group of monkeys playing around, jumping and shit just having fun and there is one little monkey sitting alone in the corner. Is it possible to image that monkey happy? I know you can tell me the lonely monkey doesn't have pc games, internet or movies but it is not what life is really about.
I think that your problem is that you don't have much to talk about with people other than gaming or programming/science. Well people usually speak about their lifes and what's going on, but if you just sit at the computer you can't really talk about anything - so you become socially awkward, because even if you decide to talk with someone (possibly a girl), you have really nothing to tell her, unless she is interested in gaming.
I could write a lot more about this issue and my thoughts, but i am really tired now so i might continue another day, if you are interested...
|
Hating your own life is what makes it tragically hilarious. Embrace it. Seems like you already are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
