Creative writing Beta Key contest

by Slimdagger

Introduction

In light of shocking discoveries from the Zoological Sciences, Animal Philosophy stands on the precipice of a new era. Langstrom (2010) impresses upon his readers the miracle of life and its ability to deceive the human observer. Humanity finds that it has been completely mistaken in the most basic characterization of the common frog, bee, dog, firefly, and dolphin—if ever they were common at all. These illusions of order reach such a magnitude that Animal Philosophy is forced to make a drastic re-evaluation of where Homo Sapien stands on the totem pole of one of life’s most important scale – Basic Intelligence. How are we to think now? This paper discusses the new philosophical implications of Langstrom’s discoveries and discusses one strategy of thought: intellectual poop throwing.

Background

“Are we even smarter than apes anymore?” – Langstrom (2010, pg. 25)

When famed social-gaming-signal-firist, Clacko V. Langstrom emerged from the west-eastern manhole of Tuscon, Arizona, bystanders said he had a gleam in his eye – and some traces of reptilio-amphibian demeanor in his behavior. The Arizona Bi-weekly Herald had this to say: “When famed social-gaming-signal-firist, Clacko V. Langstrom emerged from the west-eastern manhole of Tuscon, Arizona, bystanders said he had a gleam in his eye – and some traces of reptilio-amphibian demeanor in his behavior.”

His disappearance, five years prior, was punctuated by the classic ethnography on signal-firism in the Pacific North-Atlantic (Langstrom, 2004) – a powerful case for how the signal-clouds themselves embody a complexity that lies of the edge of Turing level artificial intelligence. His return would mark the beginning of the present day Animal Philosophical revolution. (I pray that the specist undercurrent in today’s mass media would soon fade – I, for one, welcome our animal freakshow overlords.)

What Langstrom discovered in his five year journey to the underground is that we are not alone. Humanity has often looked into the empty sky considered himself uncontested on a hill of sentience. Little did we know that we may be the Petri dish stars in a participant-observation one millennia long and counting.

Led by his ‘animal’ instincts, Langstrom spent three of his five years developing sub-intelligent methodology. Sub-intelligent methodology starts with the unheard of assumption that the animal you are studying may, in fact, possess intelligence levels that reach beyond the one of the observer. By watching how children come to understand the point of view of their parents through unreasonable demands, naive questioning, and tantrums (Wikipedia, 2001), Langstorm applied the same technique in establishing true inferior-superior contact with the race of beings that we once knew as frogs. In laymen’s terms, Langstrom successfully whined and acted like a crybaby in a sewer chock full of frogs until Frogus Superior finally gave in and pulled back the veil.

Langstrom’s story, famous now, of his flight into the ‘Third Station of Two-legged Observation’ is where humanity can be said to have first been exposed to the flight-inducing power of gasoline (for frogs only – as tragically proven by the post-humus publication Charley and Ward, in press), the tremendous tapestries of the BeeHausen, the intricate Bark-ButtLight-Net, and the curious case of the stupid dolphin.

Langstrom’s account is sparse; he makes a few claims about the implications of his journey on the course of human history, but largely, he leaves the conclusions for his readers. This essay is an Animal Philosophical attempt to make sense of his observations and to carry out its frightening implications to the bitter end.

Animal Philosophical Perspective

“We must poop in our very hands and throw it in the faces of those who are above us. We must pee into the hearts of our overseers. We abandon dignity that we might gain knowledge. If we chance upon it, we will count ourselves lucky to have pooped and peed in the first place.” – Langstrom, 2010

Langstrom’s reinvention of anthropological (or, rather, zoological) observation is a true paradigm shift. As observers, we no longer pretend to ever truly understand the observed, rather – we employ the most drastic means that we have to draw the attention of the higher intelligence, provoking reactions that uncover interaction and knowledge.

Philosophically, we must employ a similar stratagem. Like children we must always find our own thinking suspect. Twenty children in one room might come up with the most ridiculous theories. Likewise, if one human philosopher makes one claim – just because it is deemed both valid and sound by other humans (oh how the term may soon become a perjorative!), the strength of the claim must be subservient to the possibility that a parent-being (such as Frogus Superior) can make claims that disprove or trump that claim – not only via the conventional logics and reasoning of our own, but also via supra-dimensional insights – one only available to beings in possession of sensory input superior to our own. Thus, we must consistently appeal via intellectual poop-throwing to garner the attention of the higher power to validate and redirect our philosophical claims.

Concrete Strategies of Intellectual Poop Throwing

“If a poop is thrown in an empty room, whose face is smeared?” – Langstrom, 2010

We must throw our intellectual poop in the direction of our superiors. Our ideas must be so outrageous and infantile that the higher being has no choice but to come down from its perch and say, in so many words, “Now, now, you must use your inside voice.” The victory will be the discovery that there is such thing as an inside and an outside.

But how are we to throw intellectual poop and in what direction? Langstrom’s observations give us a few clues.

(1) Tapestry Bees. Knitting (especially of scarves) is one observed phenomenon by Langstrom. We have no guarantee that these scarves are valuable to the superior community, but we can poop on them. I propose a ministry of outrageous scarf-wearing that will offend or otherwise intrigue the Beezus Superior so as to provoke a light slap on the wrist.

(2) Bark-ButtLight-Net. This is a call to software engineers and signal processors. We must hack the ButtLight. This engineering feat of the Dogus Superior and Wash-Superior can be crippled or spammed with animated gifs and bad Internet memes – the resulting firewall may provide a clue to Superior mentality of intellectual property and space.

Conclusion

“Then, I asked it, ‘But what if you want to turn left?’ The squeaking dolphin turned to me (three times to the right) and said, ‘WTF, man?’” – Langstrom, 2010

I close with this cautionary tale – we have always suspected that dolphins are our partners in intelligence. But, Langstrom has discovered their true role among the Superiori as comedic laughingstock. Who are we, then, but pebbles in a cake of flavorful delights? But, yet, as pebbles are wont to do, we shall break the teeth of the gods. May the shards of enamel shower us with truth, justice, and the eternal way.

Amphibians are quite remarkable creatures, being able to swim underwater as well as living on land. Frogs are one of the greatest forms of life, being amphibians they can swim underwater and not only that, Frogs are so smart that they thought about how they can just sit around and be lazy by eating bugs and just being chill about dying. You could say they're pretty lazy for thinking of this life style, but in truth they are helping a life cycle in this world by eating the bugs while being eaten by other animals and humans alike themselves. Rather than becoming the most advance society on this planet, they would rather help out the world by sacrificing themselves for the greater good of the world, and our stomachs[also animals stomachs or really mainly just animals]. But some Frogs rebel against this way of life so they strive to become stronger and more intelligent compared to the frogs who live life with ease. These frogs strive for better life and look for ways to live better. According to some frog scientists, if a frog digest fossil fuels such as processed petroleum they gain the ability to fly. Being able to fly has always been a dream of the frogs, as they always jumped for the skies. To be able to fly is one of the frogs biggest dreams. To fly in the sky just by drinking some good old gasoline.

Onto our next topic is The Amazing scarves knitting bee's of Atlantis. Thought to have been gone since the majestic city sunk to the ground the amazing knitting bee's were able to survive. These knitting bee's would contain a circle elderly women as well as some younger women and some men who were dragged into the circle. They would take thread and knitting needles and meet together and form this amazing knitting bee circles. It is an amazingly boring experience. Scientists have wondered how these knitting circles would have survived the tragic seas that sank Atlantis, only to figure out that the oceans did not want such a boring activity under the sea.

Transitioning to another topic is rather hard since I have crappy grammar so I'll just switch like this. Anyways. So Dogs and Fireflies. One of the worlds most complex relationships. Since Dogs like to sniff each others butts' its rather odd the find such a dumb yet loyal species[okay not all dogs are dumb but quite a few are if you'd think about how many dogs do stupid things o-o not dumb like wow he's really stupid but dumb as in like oh look he got his paw stuck in the doggy door how cute. But he's still stupid for getting it stuck] anyways continuing Since dogs love to chase things its rather odd for them to find something at night to chase if they are left in the yard for pissing all over their owners bed/couch. Here's where the fireflies come in, at night when dogs are howling and barking at one another outside the fireflies come and distract them and make illusions for the dogs causing them to have a rather high sensation. You see, fireflies release a neural toxin to certain animals dogs especially that basically makes your dog high as a kite, and once a dog gets used to this neural toxin they become major drug addicts and you'd think the dog has rabies if he hasn't gotten his fix but he's really just displaying signs of withdrawal so I say before letting your dog get used to being high. So in my conclusion get your dog a bug net and tie him/her to a leash in the backyard.

Being a douche and going on to the next topic, Researchers have discovered that dolphin brains cannot process the signal lights that tell you to turn left. Studies show due to enlarged pupils and small brains, they widely said to be 2nd smartest mammals that happen to live in the sea; cannot comprehend the left turn. okay nvm i give >.> cant write anymore lol Cheers to whoever gets it!
Still Lazy never gonna finish lol -brain dead-

Frogs, the final frontier of intelligence. Their brains are the living models of perfection...but why? A frog has two big eyes, green slimy skin, two legs and toes. Now I know what you're thinking...an animal with two legs and toes!?!?!? It must be a human! or at least a monkey! but wait! A frog takes all the intelligence a human can hold and concentrates it. The frog does this through a process known as hypertenitive psudo-optic absorbtion. Basically a frog has really big eyes and those big eyes means that he has the ability to see past the physical realm and into the trans-dimensional reality and absorb all the wisdom of the ages through his bulging wriggling eyes. Now the question is raised how do I know if a frog is controlling my mind? He is smarter than a jedi and he not only catches flies but eats them! Well sadly there is no answer to that question. OBEY THE TOAD LORD. Another question raised is how can frogs fly? Why can't I fly? I should be able to fly god damnit! See the frog has the canny ability to drink pure unleaded gasoline. As a matter of fact frogs live in this stuff. They use it like whip cream. They have gasoline orgies. So once a frog is properly fueled all he has to do is ignite himself. For us mere mortals this would certainly mean death but for a frog it means freedom. No one can catch you when you're on fire and no one can catch you when you're pulling 20G's doing mach 10.

Now we shall take a look at how frogs get bees to knit them those awesome scarf they so casually throw over their shoulders. Honey scarves are the finest scarves available in the universe. It is no small wonder why a frog would wear them. The relationship between a frog and a bee hive is in fact a very simple one. The frog demands that the bees make him a fitting scarf and if they decline the frog feeds the bees to Cthulhu, the frog's pet. See bees hate Cthulhu they think he smells bad and destroys flowers with his farts. So the bees are basically going to suck the frogs 34 inch rod so they don't have to deal with the "stinky one."

This leads me to a point about dogs and their intricate relationship with fireflies. Much like forgs and bees, dogs are scared shitless of fireflies. Now one would ask " Deeerr why dem fireflies be hatin on dem dogger fellows Willoughby?!" Well the answer is rather subtle. See fireflies are pure fucking evil.

Which brings me to left hand turn signals. They like fireflies are also purely evil. The smell evil. THey taste evil. They look evil. They are the highest evil known to civilization and even frogs don't fuck with left hand turn signals. That is why a creature like the mere dolphin wouldn't even think about them. See dolphins much like tuna live inside your brain. Since they live inside your brain they must be pure. If a pure thought even touches their pretty little heads they explode thus killing you in an instant. They are then sent to dolphin hell also known as Sea World.

END