Creative writing Beta Key contest

by Slimdagger

Introduction

In light of shocking discoveries from the Zoological Sciences, Animal Philosophy stands on the precipice of a new era. Langstrom (2010) impresses upon his readers the miracle of life and its ability to deceive the human observer. Humanity finds that it has been completely mistaken in the most basic characterization of the common frog, bee, dog, firefly, and dolphin—if ever they were common at all. These illusions of order reach such a magnitude that Animal Philosophy is forced to make a drastic re-evaluation of where Homo Sapien stands on the totem pole of one of life’s most important scale – Basic Intelligence. How are we to think now? This paper discusses the new philosophical implications of Langstrom’s discoveries and discusses one strategy of thought: intellectual poop throwing.

Background

“Are we even smarter than apes anymore?” – Langstrom (2010, pg. 25)

When famed social-gaming-signal-firist, Clacko V. Langstrom emerged from the west-eastern manhole of Tuscon, Arizona, bystanders said he had a gleam in his eye – and some traces of reptilio-amphibian demeanor in his behavior. The Arizona Bi-weekly Herald had this to say: “When famed social-gaming-signal-firist, Clacko V. Langstrom emerged from the west-eastern manhole of Tuscon, Arizona, bystanders said he had a gleam in his eye – and some traces of reptilio-amphibian demeanor in his behavior.”

His disappearance, five years prior, was punctuated by the classic ethnography on signal-firism in the Pacific North-Atlantic (Langstrom, 2004) – a powerful case for how the signal-clouds themselves embody a complexity that lies of the edge of Turing level artificial intelligence. His return would mark the beginning of the present day Animal Philosophical revolution. (I pray that the specist undercurrent in today’s mass media would soon fade – I, for one, welcome our animal freakshow overlords.)

What Langstrom discovered in his five year journey to the underground is that we are not alone. Humanity has often looked into the empty sky considered himself uncontested on a hill of sentience. Little did we know that we may be the Petri dish stars in a participant-observation one millennia long and counting.

Led by his ‘animal’ instincts, Langstrom spent three of his five years developing sub-intelligent methodology. Sub-intelligent methodology starts with the unheard of assumption that the animal you are studying may, in fact, possess intelligence levels that reach beyond the one of the observer. By watching how children come to understand the point of view of their parents through unreasonable demands, naive questioning, and tantrums (Wikipedia, 2001), Langstorm applied the same technique in establishing true inferior-superior contact with the race of beings that we once knew as frogs. In laymen’s terms, Langstrom successfully whined and acted like a crybaby in a sewer chock full of frogs until Frogus Superior finally gave in and pulled back the veil.

Langstrom’s story, famous now, of his flight into the ‘Third Station of Two-legged Observation’ is where humanity can be said to have first been exposed to the flight-inducing power of gasoline (for frogs only – as tragically proven by the post-humus publication Charley and Ward, in press), the tremendous tapestries of the BeeHausen, the intricate Bark-ButtLight-Net, and the curious case of the stupid dolphin.

Langstrom’s account is sparse; he makes a few claims about the implications of his journey on the course of human history, but largely, he leaves the conclusions for his readers. This essay is an Animal Philosophical attempt to make sense of his observations and to carry out its frightening implications to the bitter end.

Animal Philosophical Perspective

“We must poop in our very hands and throw it in the faces of those who are above us. We must pee into the hearts of our overseers. We abandon dignity that we might gain knowledge. If we chance upon it, we will count ourselves lucky to have pooped and peed in the first place.” – Langstrom, 2010

Langstrom’s reinvention of anthropological (or, rather, zoological) observation is a true paradigm shift. As observers, we no longer pretend to ever truly understand the observed, rather – we employ the most drastic means that we have to draw the attention of the higher intelligence, provoking reactions that uncover interaction and knowledge.

Philosophically, we must employ a similar stratagem. Like children we must always find our own thinking suspect. Twenty children in one room might come up with the most ridiculous theories. Likewise, if one human philosopher makes one claim – just because it is deemed both valid and sound by other humans (oh how the term may soon become a perjorative!), the strength of the claim must be subservient to the possibility that a parent-being (such as Frogus Superior) can make claims that disprove or trump that claim – not only via the conventional logics and reasoning of our own, but also via supra-dimensional insights – one only available to beings in possession of sensory input superior to our own. Thus, we must consistently appeal via intellectual poop-throwing to garner the attention of the higher power to validate and redirect our philosophical claims.

Concrete Strategies of Intellectual Poop Throwing

“If a poop is thrown in an empty room, whose face is smeared?” – Langstrom, 2010

We must throw our intellectual poop in the direction of our superiors. Our ideas must be so outrageous and infantile that the higher being has no choice but to come down from its perch and say, in so many words, “Now, now, you must use your inside voice.” The victory will be the discovery that there is such thing as an inside and an outside.

But how are we to throw intellectual poop and in what direction? Langstrom’s observations give us a few clues.

(1) Tapestry Bees. Knitting (especially of scarves) is one observed phenomenon by Langstrom. We have no guarantee that these scarves are valuable to the superior community, but we can poop on them. I propose a ministry of outrageous scarf-wearing that will offend or otherwise intrigue the Beezus Superior so as to provoke a light slap on the wrist.

(2) Bark-ButtLight-Net. This is a call to software engineers and signal processors. We must hack the ButtLight. This engineering feat of the Dogus Superior and Wash-Superior can be crippled or spammed with animated gifs and bad Internet memes – the resulting firewall may provide a clue to Superior mentality of intellectual property and space.

Conclusion

“Then, I asked it, ‘But what if you want to turn left?’ The squeaking dolphin turned to me (three times to the right) and said, ‘WTF, man?’” – Langstrom, 2010

I close with this cautionary tale – we have always suspected that dolphins are our partners in intelligence. But, Langstrom has discovered their true role among the Superiori as comedic laughingstock. Who are we, then, but pebbles in a cake of flavorful delights? But, yet, as pebbles are wont to do, we shall break the teeth of the gods. May the shards of enamel shower us with truth, justice, and the eternal way.

Amphibians are quite remarkable creatures, being able to swim underwater as well as living on land. Frogs are one of the greatest forms of life, being amphibians they can swim underwater and not only that, Frogs are so smart that they thought about how they can just sit around and be lazy by eating bugs and just being chill about dying. You could say they're pretty lazy for thinking of this life style, but in truth they are helping a life cycle in this world by eating the bugs while being eaten by other animals and humans alike themselves. Rather than becoming the most advance society on this planet, they would rather help out the world by sacrificing themselves for the greater good of the world, and our stomachs[also animals stomachs or really mainly just animals]. But some Frogs rebel against this way of life so they strive to become stronger and more intelligent compared to the frogs who live life with ease. These frogs strive for better life and look for ways to live better. According to some frog scientists, if a frog digest fossil fuels such as processed petroleum they gain the ability to fly. Being able to fly has always been a dream of the frogs, as they always jumped for the skies. To be able to fly is one of the frogs biggest dreams. To fly in the sky just by drinking some good old gasoline.

Onto our next topic is The Amazing scarves knitting bee's of Atlantis. Thought to have been gone since the majestic city sunk to the ground the amazing knitting bee's were able to survive. These knitting bee's would contain a circle elderly women as well as some younger women and some men who were dragged into the circle. They would take thread and knitting needles and meet together and form this amazing knitting bee circles. It is an amazingly boring experience. Scientists have wondered how these knitting circles would have survived the tragic seas that sank Atlantis, only to figure out that the oceans did not want such a boring activity under the sea.

Transitioning to another topic is rather hard since I have crappy grammar so I'll just switch like this. Anyways. So Dogs and Fireflies. One of the worlds most complex relationships. Since Dogs like to sniff each others butts' its rather odd the find such a dumb yet loyal species[okay not all dogs are dumb but quite a few are if you'd think about how many dogs do stupid things o-o not dumb like wow he's really stupid but dumb as in like oh look he got his paw stuck in the doggy door how cute. But he's still stupid for getting it stuck] anyways continuing Since dogs love to chase things its rather odd for them to find something at night to chase if they are left in the yard for pissing all over their owners bed/couch. Here's where the fireflies come in, at night when dogs are howling and barking at one another outside the fireflies come and distract them and make illusions for the dogs causing them to have a rather high sensation. You see, fireflies release a neural toxin to certain animals dogs especially that basically makes your dog high as a kite, and once a dog gets used to this neural toxin they become major drug addicts and you'd think the dog has rabies if he hasn't gotten his fix but he's really just displaying signs of withdrawal so I say before letting your dog get used to being high. So in my conclusion get your dog a bug net and tie him/her to a leash in the backyard.

Being a douche and going on to the next topic, Researchers have discovered that dolphin brains cannot process the signal lights that tell you to turn left. Studies show due to enlarged pupils and small brains, they widely said to be 2nd smartest mammals that happen to live in the sea; cannot comprehend the left turn. okay nvm i give >.> cant write anymore lol Cheers to whoever gets it!
Still Lazy never gonna finish lol -brain dead-

Frogs, the final frontier of intelligence. Their brains are the living models of perfection...but why? A frog has two big eyes, green slimy skin, two legs and toes. Now I know what you're thinking...an animal with two legs and toes!?!?!? It must be a human! or at least a monkey! but wait! A frog takes all the intelligence a human can hold and concentrates it. The frog does this through a process known as hypertenitive psudo-optic absorbtion. Basically a frog has really big eyes and those big eyes means that he has the ability to see past the physical realm and into the trans-dimensional reality and absorb all the wisdom of the ages through his bulging wriggling eyes. Now the question is raised how do I know if a frog is controlling my mind? He is smarter than a jedi and he not only catches flies but eats them! Well sadly there is no answer to that question. OBEY THE TOAD LORD. Another question raised is how can frogs fly? Why can't I fly? I should be able to fly god damnit! See the frog has the canny ability to drink pure unleaded gasoline. As a matter of fact frogs live in this stuff. They use it like whip cream. They have gasoline orgies. So once a frog is properly fueled all he has to do is ignite himself. For us mere mortals this would certainly mean death but for a frog it means freedom. No one can catch you when you're on fire and no one can catch you when you're pulling 20G's doing mach 10.

Now we shall take a look at how frogs get bees to knit them those awesome scarf they so casually throw over their shoulders. Honey scarves are the finest scarves available in the universe. It is no small wonder why a frog would wear them. The relationship between a frog and a bee hive is in fact a very simple one. The frog demands that the bees make him a fitting scarf and if they decline the frog feeds the bees to Cthulhu, the frog's pet. See bees hate Cthulhu they think he smells bad and destroys flowers with his farts. So the bees are basically going to suck the frogs 34 inch rod so they don't have to deal with the "stinky one."

This leads me to a point about dogs and their intricate relationship with fireflies. Much like forgs and bees, dogs are scared shitless of fireflies. Now one would ask " Deeerr why dem fireflies be hatin on dem dogger fellows Willoughby?!" Well the answer is rather subtle. See fireflies are pure fucking evil.

Which brings me to left hand turn signals. They like fireflies are also purely evil. The smell evil. THey taste evil. They look evil. They are the highest evil known to civilization and even frogs don't fuck with left hand turn signals. That is why a creature like the mere dolphin wouldn't even think about them. See dolphins much like tuna live inside your brain. Since they live inside your brain they must be pure. If a pure thought even touches their pretty little heads they explode thus killing you in an instant. They are then sent to dolphin hell also known as Sea World.

END

When they are in their eggs they are in command of their own DNA as the change it and mix it around so that when they come out they are small. This smallness makes them non-appealing to larger animals to eat, smart move. Leopard is not going to be snacking on any of these frogs soon. Their greatness of their genius is in their poison. They spend countless hours working on building their gardens to grow that special plant that gives them that amazing paste that codes in their body for poison. Much like an alchemist they spend a lot of time making these poisons as potent as possible. This is why Poison Dart Frogs are one of the smartest frogs in the world.
Then you have your average everyday frog, which they look plain and boring. These frogs are indeed the smartest though. They sit hours on their lily pad homes plotting a plan. In the magical kingdoms that they live in they have only one goal, the wish the kiss of the beautiful princess. They are able to use their cunning mind and end up kissing the most beautiful woman in all the land. As they know that Cherry Lip Bomb Luscious has the finally chemical they need to become a man. As they concoct this potion in their mouth they give the princess a little tongue and pop out a man.
Frogs also a much greater musical beings that humans. They love to play jazz with saxophones made out of water reed, and trumpets made of seaweed. The biggest band of all time with the frogs would have to be, “Big Rob.” Raised by the family of the Robinsons, they played all around the country. They were bigger than the beetles they were absolutely huge! However we have no confirmed reports of anyone actually seeing Big Rob because they are from the future. Only the child Lewis Robinson has seen these frogs. He was traveled into the future by his future son with the technology created by the frogs. He saw his future family and came back to the present to win a science fair. This is when the great Albert Wartstine escaped his cage.
What most people don’t know if that frogs can fly. They don’t need wings; oh no they have something much greater, they have a huge brain. Back in the day of the great frog scientist Albert Wartstine he made a great discovery. He escaped his cage at the science fair by creating a pistol out of a fly, a lily pad, and a rock and he killed everyone at the science fair as he left. He arrived in Germany and went to the great frog king, King Hopsalot. Hopsalot was amazed at his idea and he put it into great use. Doctors all around the world were working on frogs taking out useless organs and creating more space for a storage tank and a steering wheel.
Hopsalot had also ordered that the frogs of the middle east which are called musltoads to build oil wells and get as much oil as they can. Once the oil has been drilled with the stingers of killer bees they took control of much larger animals. They had elephants suck up the oil and then they stored that oil in the humps of the camels that transported that oil thousands of miles back to Germany. Hopsalot’s greatest scientist went to work on the oil and they transmogrified it into gasoline. Then Wartstine consumed the power source and flames spewed from his anal cavity. His eyes gleamed in the moonlight as he rose into the air with extreme speed. He flew so high that even spy planes were below him with the amount of thrust he had. Wartstine began to fall to the ground, aware that this would happen he puffed out his cheeks and used his body as a one foot by one foot green par shoot. He landed safely on the ground and was awarded the Lily Piece Prize two days after.
Later in that year they took back control of the bees. The frogs took the sharp stinger and forced the bees to produce scarves. These scarves were the perfect size for the frogs to float safely back down to the earth acting as a para shoot.
For their celebration they needed to have security so they recruited dogs. Now these dogs were retarted when they got them they were caught by anything. They only responded to the flash on the fireflys ass. So the fireflys flew ahead being the brain of the body and the dog being the brawn they were able to keep the area safe with this relationship.
The next year they all went to Mexico to celebrate as all the frogs in the world would drink gasoline and fly into the sky on that Monday. Execpt for the frogs of all the islands. They relied on dolphins to provide transport for the frogs and the dolphins all got lost in the underwater roadways. The frogs later learned that dolphins cant use left signals so the all turned right, went to Antartica and froze to death.
Billions of Frogs got lined up in Culiacan, Mexico getting ready to fly into the sky. They All drank the gas at midnight and they ascended their flight into that clear summer night. The next day they fell at 11:00 pm as they flew so high it took 23 hours for them to finally start to hit the ground. They celebrated with a feast of flies once everybody landed. The called it, “The Day of the Fly.” The humans were stunned they didn’t know what they had seen billions of frogs falling from the sky, there was terror. That day later was known for the humans as, “The Raining of the Frogs.”
So as you can see frogs, the smartest form of life ever to have lived. The End.

There is a long standing debate among naturalists, biologists, cognitive etiologists, and philosophers as to which species comes closest to humans in terms of intelligence. Among the millions of species on earth we humans have evaluated, some have suggested the primate or the dolphin to occupy this sphere. We have trained dolphins to jump through hoops. We have taught primates how to sign language with a vocabulary containing hundreds of unique symbols. Both of these apparent measures of intelligence share a striking similarity. Both assume our intellectual superiority to the test subjects.
It turns out we have made one too many assumptions. Indeed, rather than asking which creature came closest to us, we should have been asking which creature was ahead of us. The answer to that strange question leads us to an animal we are all too familiar with: the common frog. Beneath the slippery exterior lies a being of immense intelligence and sophistication. They spend their entire lives sitting on a lily pad and gulping down black flies and mosquitoes. Their needs are met and their thirst is quenched. Like many inhabitants of the animal kingdom, the frog has the advantage of having its food come to it. Humans, on the other hand, grind out their sustenance through a clash of exhaust and destruction. Indeed, out of all the creatures in the animal kingdom, mankind is the most inefficient. Frogs on the other hand can fly. Popularized in the movie Mongolia starring Tom Cruise, a storm that rains frogs is rare phenomenon which occurs when frogs decide to end their lives. And so it is this ability that makes all the difference: Frogs have the power to fly if they wish, even without the aid of a wing apparatus.
But why kill themselves? It turns out that even the frog is vulnerable to the cult mindset where a cultist frog’s leader orders it and its members self destruct. Though their immense intelligence often precludes other frogs from leading cults and others following then, it is humbling to know that even some frogs experience a sense of existential claustrophobia. It is also humbling, for us, that most of them avoid such intellectual pitfalls without the need for education as we so obviously require. If cultured mankind was any indicator for how advanced species typically act it would seem that uncertainty and doubt is standard. For frogs, a species twice, three times as advanced as humans, the solutions to these problems are part of their biological imperative. They want only what they need, they need only what they want. The fact that they can fly without the use of wings begs the question as to what powers they might be holding back—if they only wanted to use them.
Even more alarming is the fact that they do not need an engine to convert gasoline into energy. No, the frog’s body processes gasoline directly. This is the strength of the frog; it is the power to process gasoline and to expel it however it wishes. Moreover, it has the ability to turn water into gasoline. Elsewhere would the gasoline come from? Moreover, we know that they use gasoline to fly because only with the aid of gasoline could you have hundreds of fist sized organisms propelling themselves 500 feet into the air. Its efficiency is such that as soon as water is processed into gasoline it is used without a trace. There is absolutely no doubt that the frog is the most intelligent creature on the planet, albeit a frustratingly strange one. In fact, the peculiarity of this creature is only nearly matched by the strange relationship between dogs and dragonflies, which we will now turn to.
Consider the revealing inclination that links both parties: the natural aquaphobia of dogs; the fact that dragonflies lay their eggs in water--Coincidence? No. Between these two creatures lies the tensest of relationships. Why do dogs chase everything that move? Because it thinks it is a firefly. Why do fireflies lay their eggs in water? So that the water fearing dog cannot reach them. There is still a lot of research that needs to be done to better explore the depths of this relationship, but we know a few key things beside the ones mentioned. One, the dog finds the taste of fireflies extremely delicious measured via sperm consistency. Note that in order to procure this sperm we used the stimulatory of a frog's anus to spite our superior overseers. Two, fireflies like to land on dog excrement which is believed to be in a state of analysis. This suggests a degree of sophistication in the firefly which takes after the old adage of studying the enemy to gain an advantage. We are not sure that either of these two so called facts are in any way true, but one of the scientists we know really really thinks they are, and he scored 160 on an internet IQ test, so we think he is probably right.
Another sufficiently related fact is that it is impossible for dolphins to think about left hand turn signals. The reason for this is because they are actually robots and were programmed by genius dinosaur professors with 500 IQ to have that one defect. We also think that same programmers allowed bees to knit scarves. Indeed, the hive mind has the faculty to adeptly coordinate a swarm of bees to knit a cloth the likes that grandma’s never seen. Actually the honey is just a cover up for the hijacking process of knitting since we have never seen a bee actually eat honey. They just make it to keep us oblivious to their deviously knit knitting ways. Okay, we made that last part up.

Today in "at Midnight with JTPROG" we are going to discover together the mysteries of this universe.Please join us in this amazing journey here on NBC.

Audience (CLAPS)
JTRPOG Shows Up on the Set
JTPROG: "Hello EVERYONE! Thanks for joining us today in this amazing journey, you are not going to regret it. But first i gotta thanks our sponsors: TeamLiquid, the best starcraft website on this solar system and Playboy, always providing our staff with good material for our show.
Audience (CLAPS)
JTPROG: Now lets proceed with our first Guest, Mr.Curtis, Expert int Biology and Frogolist, lets give him the welcome!
Audience (CLAPS)
JTPROG: Well..... hello Mr.Curtis, thanks for coming. As you may have read on the newspapers people is start asking about this Frog domination worldwide, could you explain us how they do this, to us, the most inteligent live form on this planet?
Mr.Curtis: First thanks for inviting me. You see for so many centurys frog have been superior in all aspects, they have found a way to surpass humans by drinking Gasoline. They can increase their potential above 9000! so this gave them abilities that humans havent experimented yet. Also they are the responsibles for the building of the pyramids, babilonia, the empire state and lady gaga.
JTPROG: WOW! Impressive, i think we have some footage to share with our watchers, lets play it.

Clip Fade In
Clip Fade Out

JTPROG: Well, we have a little inconvinience with Mr.Curtis, it seems that he have said too much and some kind of frog killed him as you can observe, he's right here next to me dead.... SO we got to continue with the show! Now follow me to my Desk that im gonna start reading the questions that people sends us via Facebook.
JTPROG: Let see... Suk Abroda from Iraq ask us "Why do Dogs and Flies got interracial Sex?"
Well as you must have witnessed Mr.Suk Abroda it seems that frogs are getting too powerful, so flies are trying to get a hybrid between dogs and them so they can fight the frogs.

JTPROG: Here we have another question from Miss Fing Ermenaw asking "Why dolphins can't think about left-hand turn signals". Ok Miss Fing Ermenaw i don't know if ur an ignorant or what, but everybody know that cant think about left-hand turn signals coz they are republicans!

JTPROG: Ok last question of the night, it comes from Mr. Imosam Abinlaiden that asks why "How bees do knit carves, they dont have hands?". Well Mr. Imo... IMOH... Imosam Abindlaiden, bees can knit scarves with they sting, and for your information all of our clothes are made from the hard work of our little black and yellow fellas, so next time you se a bee, please, give him hug.

JTPROG: Ok everybody, that's it for today, we had a wonderful show tonight, i hope mr.curtis can make it to the cementery before the frogs dispose the body, and see you next monday here on "at Midnight with JTPROG"
Audience (CLAPS)
Show Ends.

Sylvester Stalone has long been regarded as one of the most manly men ever. His specialty is rolling around in the dirt and screaming. He is also devastatingly intelligent (to the point of cunning) and adapts easily to many different environments. During the filming of the Rambo movies he consumed mass amounts of calories and protein every day. So great were his demands he adopted a method of feeding himself long kept secret. In footage never released to the public, he was seen catching and eating bugs with his motherfucking tongue. Holy shit.

Frogs. If this word doesn’t send shivers down your spine, let me explain why it should. 10% of animal biomass in the world is ants. That means for every person you see there are thousands upon thousands of ants all fucking, fighting, eating, pillaging and doing other Viking-like things—and you don’t even know about it. They could be doing all that beneath you right now and you’d have no fucking clue. But, you think, “I could totally take on thousands of ants.” News flash: another 10% of the animal biomass in the world is termites. Yeah, termites. In addition to all of the things ants do, they eat through wood. So while you’re busy trying to stomp and spray on creatures that can lift ten times their own body weight termites will be gnawing through the supports to your house. I mean, shit.

This isn’t even accounting for the rest of the insects in the world. An insect rebellion would be a hell on earth--except to frogs. Have you ever had a party, gotten drunk, fallen asleep, and woken up to sunbeams through the window nicely illuminating a big pile of shit in the middle of your floor? Not even the bathroom 10 feet away, just right there on your floor where somebody dropped their pants and squeezed it out while you were sleeping. It sucks. Well that’s exactly what frogs would do. They’d do a god damn rain dance and get down to business.

They’re good in water, on earth, and they can snipe insects out of the air. They can climb trees or wait stealthily in hidden places. Oh, did I mention how frogs have babies? They don’t just have one or two, they literally have thousands babies. Now losing a baby is a life-changing event for people, imagine losing one thousand babies. You can’t. Nobody can, except frogs. And they don’t talk because they’re so stricken with grief. Shakespeare? Herbert? Tolkien? They don’t have shit on frogs. Except we’ve never heard the beautiful lyricism or captivating plots from their species because they’re suffering from a grief so intense we can’t understand. The only time they talk is when they croak, and that’s only because they want to fuck. What’s more epic than that?

Anyway, frogs are perfectly designed to thrive under conditions out of our nightmares. They inhabit all the places worth inhabiting, and they’re ready for an invasion straight out of the bible. If frogs are so smart and awesome, why are we still here? You ask. Well let me explain; if you had to dig a big motherfucking hole , extract black shit, process it into gasoline and then distribute it worldwide would you rather stop your daily consumption of gourmet treats and sexing up or get somebody else to do it for you?

That’s right. We do it for the frogs. That is absolutely sneaky bites! You say. But I don’t believe you, why would frogs want gasoline and theres no way they could make us do it for them. Chances are you’re near a faucet or a bathroom. Go and turn it on. What do you see? Water. You need it to live, cook, eat, to even exist. Where does water come from? Frog tears. The only reason our species is alive today is because frogs want us to do their dirty work and make gasoline for them.

You see, when frogs ingest gasoline (which is poisonous to us) they can fly. Frogs can travel faster than any airplane or projectile. Do you ever wonder why if we stumble onto some unexplored island there are already frogs there? They love exploring. They’re everywhere. If you think you’ve found some place new, you haven’t. A frog has already been there.

Every frog has such a razor sharp intellect that they have realized and manipulated our world for their own pleasures since their inception. The proof is all around. Bush claimed “weapons of mass destruction” in the middle east? He was right. They were threatening to stop supplying the frogs, and you don’t piss the frogs off. If this isn’t proof of why frogs are the most intelligent creatures on earth, I don’t know what is.