This will be something like a journal post, so if you are interested what's going on in my life read on, if you aren't stop reading right here
So, right now, im feeling so helpless, so lost, not having motivation to do anything, feeling like sleeping or being immersed in a vacuum, in nothing, far from anything known, far from anything human. I guess its a common depression or whatever but it certainly didn't come at a right timing. Tomorrow i have 2 tests and although i prepared 80% for the one of them, the other one i dont even know what to study, yet i feel like its a normal thing and i feel like the things i learned for the first one will evacuate till tomorrow so no point in putting any effort. Not to mention that usually im a hardworker especially for school.
Setting it apart my mom is soo anygry at me coz she thinks im not her old son anymore. It is true that i changed suddenly coz i entered the 2010 with the idea of not blindly listening to my parents anymore. It all started with that one girl she isn't happy with. Although i would gladly explain to her that it isnt so bad she doesnt dare to discuss the problem directly. She is mentioning that she had faith in me and that i let her down. at the beginning i was talking about that girl positivley and thats how she started suspecting, yet she hasnt the nerve of asking me: ''Is she your girlfriend''...I would proudly respond her yes, even if it isnt the truth (ill explain alter) just to see what happens. She often mentions that im her only son and that she hopes ill return to the old one. I also see that she often cries alone, and when i ask her what's the matter she says nothing. Its not that im not affected by her sadness, its just that im acting cold and composed all the time, i dont argue anymore with none at home and i spend most of my time in the room. Yes, i forgot to say that when she says that she ahd faith in me, she often says that i dont talk to her anymore and so on. Like im distancing from her. I cant deny it, coz when i was younger i saw my parents as perfect and whenever there was some dispute between me and her i thought it is my fault and i would ask her to apologize me. Then lately i realized that they arent perfect and that they can make mistakes too. Mom accepted it saying it was true, but whenever there was some fight it was my fault again, and when i said that to her she denied it. I simply dont have the energy anymore to argue, thats why i dont even talk much to them. I just wanna live my life (tbh im just waiting to finish highschool, 4 more months, and to move somewhere else pretending i had to do it coz of uni). Im sick of those ''need to talk'' situations. I guess she cant understand why i have been acting so strange, she suspected that i was using some strange substances. Incredible.
I entered the 2010 saying to myself that i will start asking myself whats good and whats not and not my parents anymore. so i started liking that one girl and it all went pretty slowly (few months), it was just like we were forming a friendship. Then i asked her to be my prom partner and she accepted an it was wonderful and whatsoever. We danced and danced and danced, she seemed to be all over me. In the end i just gave her a hug thanking her, coz i wasnt sure if a want a relationship or not. and it ended there. Then during the next 7 days we talked a bit at school, she couldnt look at my eyes and so on. It seemd to go well. A week after there was some other party i went there with my friends, she went with her friends. At the beginning she was somewhat in a hurry dunno why and then she asked me to dance i refused saying i was already reserved to dance with others, she got upset, but i promised that ill come to her when im free. So i danced and then danced with her, she was enjoying it, we danced few more times, went for a drink, then she decided to spend some time with her friends, i accepted it, then few hours later i wanted to dance again she accepted but then said she will come back in 5 minutes and she jsut went to her friends dancing there (right behind me!!)and blabla. To sum up, at first she seemed all over me, then when the night progressed she just seemed to be toying with me. Now it can be that she realized im the part of those weak guys or she was just playing games. Speaking of those flirting games recently i got really lost in them. that same night i got a bit angry and went to sit with my friend acting all cool, then she came asking for a dance again, so i guess there is still some hope. Exactly now i feel a big urge to speak to her, but it would come as im needy and clingy.
So my home is a hell, my relationship with the potential girlfriend seems so messy and not clear, and my school is still top notch in results, but tomorrow could change that. And all three of those areas are connected coz if i start failing at school too, my parents will go crazy, they would probably blame computer and starcraft (i play 1-2 games a week) and take both from me. If I enter the relationship with that girl my parents will disapprove it and it would certainly reflect on my mood and the relationship itself coz in her eyes i would probably come off as some crazy guy with a crazy family she doesnt want to have anything with.
I think that it is important to say that all of these is affecting my mothers health and that my dad isnt really against me having a girlfriend, but will certainly stand by my mother like he always does.
All in all, im so lost, for the past few years i would always back off when there was a possibility of getting a girlfriend coz my mom is against me having any before marriage, Now when i decided to not listen to it anymore my mother is depressed and im too coz it seems that my only way is listening to her. Im not saying that i was so desperate before, no, its just that when you start liking someone, its hard to stop. dunno really what to do. I really want to have some normal relationship with that girl, she isn't clingy at all, she likes to dance a LOT, she is pretty, seems to like me (i really hope that those little signs I read form her were nothing, because there a lot more positive ones, it can be that she is just in some constrast. When we were waiting the results of tombola she went near me took my number and said ill bring you luck than she put her head on my shoulder and remaind like that for a few minutes. Then i forgot to say that as some my friends where making fun of her friends, that friends, she was drunk, said something like she is going to let that girl im interested in know what i did. And tbh i didnt do anything, i just was in that group. There are a lot more signs like when i was talking with her girl friend, it was a casual conversation, she started talking about school, and i said: ''can we pls talk about something more interesting'' and she said: ''like what? wanna talk about ''her''..i just smiled). Now all those ''positive'' things can be read as she told her friends that she is toying with me, or it could be that she really is interested in me.
she has a nice personality. To sum up she has almost everything i want from a girl. Anyway to return to my miserable situation, i dont know how to continue living like this.
Pls without any stupid comments about ''girl blogs''. this is a blog in the end, so i can write whatever i want
Sorry to hear that. I've not experienced such circumstances or had gf before so I'm not giving advice. Hope you can study well for your test and that things will work out soon.
your mom is like mine, she has said the same quotes about being back to 'old son' and its a tension thats hard to handle...i'm at college atm and its even harder. whenever i visit home i'll also randomly find her crying somewhere and she gives similar reaction..its hard because she doesnt understand your point of view, and you can't understand her's either...its a weird feeling.
On January 24 2010 23:26 Art.FeeL wrote: well the problem is that i dont want to push it, and resolve my relationship dilemma before the one at home...hard to explain.
well girls dont like pushy boys, but they hate undecisive whimps
On January 24 2010 23:26 Art.FeeL wrote: well the problem is that i dont want to push it, and resolve my relationship dilemma before the one at home...hard to explain.
well girls dont like pushy boys, but they hate undecisive whimps
so wtf should i do? i guess just let her set the tempo, and it means that i missed the opportunity the last time, but then again it was because she started acting in a way that confused me, as i already wrote. does anyone who has some more experience tell something on it? ill add more details if needed
the problem with relationships, both with that girl and with your mother, is that you will hardly ever find people that are honest to the point that you know what you are at. i cant give you advice, because every person is different, but two things with girls (or friend friend relationships) is that if you get too clingy/close to them they might try to distance themselves from you because they feel it will constrict (? dunno if thats right, but couldnt translate it any better) them or push them into a corner. if on the other hand you do nothing you might let all your chances go. it could be that the other person is waiting for you to take initiative, for a sign, or that because of that lack of straightforwardness she isnt sure what you are up to as well.
so its very, very hard to find a good balance between these two and figure out how the person you are dealing with works. the best thing is always to be honest, but that still leaves the question of timing totally unresolved.
regarding your mother: the situation you are in is very common. parents always have expectations and sadly also think they have authority over you beyond the huge influence that comes from your upbringing (which you cant even resist until you have intellectually established yourself as an individual). a lot of the time they will also be unable to hear reason from you or unwilling to accept it, so being able to truly argue with them is a rare case and you can call yourself lucky if you have such parents. there is nothing you can do. you can argue with them, but since you said that your mother isnt open to that you already did the best you can do, namely evading conclict while remaining true to your self. if you value your relationship with your mother or her emotional state more than your principles you might want to lie to her to make her feel better. if you are honest you will not.
personally i decided that honesty is more important than relationships, because it leads to understanding and i also decided that the genetical relationship i share with my family is no reason to treat them differently from any other human beings, which is to say that if i dont get along with them and cant respect the way they establish their personality, dont share common interests with them etc then there is no reason to continue to interact with them.
relationships are very complicated, and in the long run only honesty will keep it simple. and by all means, if that girl is worth you thinking about her that way stick with her and dont let the flaws of your mother take her away from you.
maybe these thoughts were of some help. i feel with you man.
On January 25 2010 00:00 enzym wrote: the problem with relationships, both with that girl and with your mother, is that you will hardly ever find people that are honest to the point that you know what you are at. i cant give you advice, because every person is different, but two things with girls (or friend friend relationships) is that if you get too clingy/close to them they might try to distance themselves from you because they feel it will constrict (? dunno if thats right, but couldnt translate it any better) them or push them into a corner. if on the other hand you do nothing you might let all your chances go. it could be that the other person is waiting for you to take initiative, for a sign, or that because of that lack of straightforwardness she isnt sure what you are up to as well.
so its very, very hard to find a good balance between these two and figure out how the person you are dealing with works. the best thing is always to be honest, but that still leaves the question of timing totally unresolved.
regarding your mother: the situation you are in is very common. parents always have expectations and sadly also think they have authority over you beyond the huge influence that comes from your upbringing (which you cant even resist until you have intellectually established yourself as an individual). a lot of the time they will also be unable to hear reason from you or unwilling to accept it, so being able to truly argue with them is a rare case and you can call yourself lucky if you have such parents. there is nothing you can do. you can argue with them, but since you said that your mother isnt open to that you already did the best you can do, namely evading conclict while remaining true to your self. if you value your relationship with your mother or her emotional state more than your principles you might want to lie to her to make her feel better. if you are honest you will not.
personally i decided that honesty is more important than relationships, because it leads to understanding and i also decided that the genetical relationship i share with my family is no reason to treat them differently from any other human beings, which is to say that if i dont get along with them and cant respect the way they establish their personality, dont share common interests with them etc then there is no reason to continue to interact with them.
relationships are very complicated, and in the long run only honesty will keep it simple. and by all means, if that girl is worth you thinking about her that way stick with her and dont let the flaws of your mother take her away from you.
maybe these thoughts were of some help. i feel with you man.
Now this post was helpful, you really opened my eyes about honesty. I must admit that the last month i have been 90% honest with my mother, and the problem maybe lies here because I am sending her a picture of who am I right now. All these years, im sure, she saw me differently because i havent been honest with her, and that's probably the reason she doesnt understand my sudden change. She probably thinks that something must have happened to make me change like that when in fact i was always like that just that she didnt know because i was prolly a liar.
As for the relationship with the girl, i already knew that you must find that middle which is between being pushy and between being disinterested at all. And when done some thinking she is also trying to find that point. In fact she is thinking:''Why is he acting interested during parties and not calling me at all, is he just playing some causal games?'' while for me: ''Why she acts a little interested and when i start to get interested she backs off, is she just toying with me?'' It is really funny, because it produces a lot of pain trying to rationalize things like emotions.
As for the honesty, i guess it isnt always the right option. coz when i was interrogated with the suspicion of having done something forbidden or whatsoever by mom, i was honest and told her that i danced, talked, had fun (didnt mention the girl) she said i cant go to the next party which is held in 5 days and that means that i can't have fun with that girl. These parties are probably the only ones where mine and her friends come. We dont usually hang out together and if i dont come to this one, ill have to go classic and ask the girl out, and talk to her only at school where i cant do anything anway. NOTE: those are three prom parties of different classes, the first was mine, the second was that where i got confused and the third is still to come.
Wow, interesting story there. I know what you're saying about your parents. It's a difficult situation for everyone, when you are stuck with, but don't really understand each other. One lesson I learned, pretty much in the same way as you, is that it is one, important to do what I feel is good and what I feel is smart. Two, that there are just people you like and who you'll understand, and people that are hard to deal with and who (dutch proverb ) take the blood under your nails away. I'm afraid that you and your mother, and probably also your father, have a relation of the latter category.
Given that, accept it as something that can't be changed. This should not be a reason for depression anymore. Instead, it should be a reason to indeed find your own way, your own friends, and sooner rather than later, your own home. Take as much space as you need, and certainly no less! Your mother is a grown woman, with a husband, and if I read the signs correctly, they still like each other and still work together. You don't have that (yet), so there is no reason to weaken your position further by giving her what you do not want to give. That just leads to frustration and depression. I cannot stress this enough. You must distance yourself from your parents as much as you think you'll need. They can handle themselves, and you can handle yours.
As you probably will have noticed, I talk out of experience. Out of sheer stupidity I accepted to share my apartment with my father for two years, and it's been nothing but frustration, continued annoyance, and awkwardness. Please, don't make the same mistake I made! Be proud and stand fast, it'll work itself out in the end.
Well , i might come as too emotional here, but i love them no matter what. Its just that i can't do things for them the whole life. Im 18 years old and i think its time for me to do things with my own head. I like that girl, and ill do all i can do to get close to her. I know that it means another reason for fight. But if that's how it should be, then be it. Im just afraid that if i do that, they'll forbid me almost everything, which includes seeing the girl and would certainly hurt my relationship with her. Im still under their roof, so its not too smart to do things on your way all the time. I almost got expelled from house coz i said that im sick of them giving me advices and that i wanna do something without them coming to help me. Fortunately there was mom to stop the whole thing.
Also im thinking of seeing a professional help, from an psychologist, but i want it to be anonymous, is it possible?
i dont know where you live and how old you are, so i dont fully understand the situation you are in. does your mother really legally have the authority to prohibit you from going? in that case you are probably screwed and either live with it, are diplomatic or like you said are very careful about what you tell her and in what way. i dont know what you could do to allow you to go. you could still go despite that and possibly anger her more.
at least in germany parents are required to take care of their children until they reach the age of 25 and are not self dependant (have their own income from which to make a living), so even if they tried to go the "this is my house and you will do as i say" way despite you being older than 18 and technically not required to listen to them this wont work at all. i dont know how that is in other countries though.
and you didnt even have to lie to make her perceive a change. personalities change, but before that they have to come from somewhere and depending on various circumstances that usually happens during the time you go to school and can last to your 20s. at least i never questioned what "i had to do" as a kid and that wasnt because i lied to myself, but because i simply didnt know any better. i did what i was told because it was the normal thing to do. only later did i start to think about things (at all and differently) and argue them with people or even only in my mind. what i wanted to say here is that maybe you simply were not "you" until recently, but also didnt know that at all.
On January 25 2010 00:50 Art.FeeL wrote: I almost got expelled from house coz i said that im sick of them giving me advices and that i wanna do something without them coming to help me. Fortunately there was mom to stop the whole thing.
Also im thinking of seeing a professional help, from an psychologist, but i want it to be anonymous, is it possible?
in this case you might want to check the laws behind that in order to see if they can really do that. like i said earlier in germany this argument is used a lot, but isnt backed by anything at all in the end, so here you are safe from stuff like this if you know your rights. you might also want to contact the authorities if it turns out that your parents were serious with that threat and cant legally throw you out.
we also have "phone councelling" here which allows you to remain anonymous and will connect you with someone willing to listen and help. i once made use of that and despite the name that service is also provided through chat and email. i dont think that it is possible to talk to a psychologist anonymously, but that is no informed opinion, just a wild guess. you might want to try your luck with google to find out more.
On January 25 2010 00:52 enzym wrote: what i wanted to say here is that maybe you simply were not "you" until recently, but also didnt know that at all.
exactly, that's what i said earlier. I listened to them coz i thought it was better and didnt think with my head. It was natural for me to think that my parents are always right.
The first thing that struck me is how honest your post is. I can relate to a couple of things, mainly the Mother being ambivalent about the girlfriend. On the one hand she wants you to get married, but on the other she doesn't want you spending too much time on girls - wanting you instead to focus on school. And once you do - they start asking: "Hey bub, wheres the girlz? lol!"
I would suggest looking over your relationships. I think you can sense for yourself when a relationship isn't healthy. And if this is the case, you should minimize it in favor of better ones. Basically try to be around people that want good things for you. Your mom seems to be that type, though she probably doesn't understand the girls of today, so maybe you should keep your girl history to yourself and talk to her about other things. And do your best to find out who you really are.4
I would suggest looking for a job of any kind. It can be 5-10hrs a week - but it will help tons being around new people (hopefully healthy, nice ones) and the extra income I'm sure will help you as well. Volunteer work is great for this as well. If you want you can quit it after a while and try something new. If you already have a job - disregard this paragraph.
As for the girl - She seems to be into you. I can't know from what you've told me how much, but she's giving you signs. Ask her out a couple of times and hopefully you'll get to know each other better. Don't tell her about the parents/depression too soon. Keep it light until you guys are comfortable around each other. No matter what happens, the fact that you guys are close means a lot already.
Lastly - I want to say some things about your depression. I don't know your cause and how deep it runs. Mine usually gets better from exercise and drinking coffee (or energy drinks). It helps a lot with studying as well. Be careful not to drink it too often. More then twice a day ups your cholesterol level and you start getting aggressive and jumpy - making conversations with other people very hard. So try to keep it at two max a day (one max in the beginning), and nothing after 2pm if you plan on sleeping around 10-11pm.
You seem like a great, normal guy. I'm sure a lot of people on TL can see them self in your post.
I will just comment on the girl problem. You were the one playing games with here. You did the retarded thing which is trying to take it slow and be a gentleman when no girl nor man wants that. Your chance to make your move was the prom, and saying no you didn't want to dance with her completely sealed it.
On January 25 2010 01:40 Chill wrote: I will just comment on the girl problem. You were the one playing games with here. You did the retarded thing which is trying to take it slow and be a gentleman when no girl nor man wants that. Your chance to make your move was the prom, and saying no you didn't want to dance with her completely sealed it.
well maybe i didnt explain myself here, but it wasnt exactly like that because i danced with her 15 minutes after, its just that she asked me when i was going to dance with a god friend of mine. I think that detail isnt that important because i danced with her the rest of the night. My only mistake could be that of being a bit passive and not reaching a new level between us.
I am going just to thank your post emon_ for encouraging words. Thank You !
On January 25 2010 01:40 Chill wrote: I will just comment on the girl problem. You were the one playing games with here. You did the retarded thing which is trying to take it slow and be a gentleman when no girl nor man wants that. Your chance to make your move was the prom, and saying no you didn't want to dance with her completely sealed it.
the true ape has spoken (jk). but i have never encountered accounts of relationships of that kind in such a number that i would have perceived it that way. in fact i have not even heard of this once. i want to meet straightforward people like that. D:
Thats has to be pretty uncomfortable : / Nonethless only you can fix it .
Its quite obvious to assume that the source of your problems is your parent`s strict control. They force you to live on their beliefs and choices and vastly diminish your free will.
You are like a bird who needs to free itself from parental binds , spread wings and fly . You aren`t a child anymore so you need to be treated accordingly.
They have no longer any right to make choices for you. They have no fucking right to force you to do what they think is good. They have no fucking right to force you to honor their beliefs and values. They have no fucking right to use their parental advantage and take away things they gave and give in order to force you to live up to their expectations and requirements. They have no right to fucking force you talk with them when you don`t want to . They have no right to force you to act. You do not belong to them.
They are not your fucking gurus or life knowledge masters and they have no right to act as ones and force you to accept that. They aren`t able to make choices regarding yourself better than you. They don`t and they never will.
Only you know your true motives , intentions, dreams, hopes, beliefs, values as well as strengts, weaknesses, limitations as well as potential. Defining your happines and way of life - is only and only your right.
You must free yourself. Only out of your own free will - can you find a lasting, genuine and worthy joy. Living up to expectations, beliefs, values, requirements, ambitions and so on - that are NOT your own - is nothing but a lie, dishonesty and injustice that leads you to nowhere.
You are feeling helpless because you started to stand up and finally act on your own a bit and your parents don`t seem to like it. However, whether they like it or not - you no longer will accept being enslaved by their expectations , hopes and ambitions , won`t you ?
Think h o w many things you do exclusively because of them.
Think what would you truly want to do and how to live your life. From matters large to small. From matters of your future relationships, occupation to matters of when you go to sleep and how much time you spend before the monitor. These choices belong only to you. This is your birthright.
To do that you will need to understand your situation in and out. You need to know exactly where are you standing, so you can adjust your actions precisely on fixing this situation. Like a chessmaster you want to look on the chessboard and pieces of your life with a sober, intelligent eye.
Understand it, comprehend it, master it, predict your every move and make each one a one that is coherent to your goals . -----------------------------------
I can merely serve with few examples extracted from what you wrote :
- Your Mother is angry at you , that you aren`t her old son anymore. What the fuck ? Since when is it right for teenager to remain unchanged ? Should you remain her puppet ? Obviously she doesn`t like it. Its very pleasant when you obey her . You need to understand exactly why she does it, its usually a complex set of various altruistic as well as egoistic motives and other reasons. Then decide a method/technique/action with which you will correct this situation.
Parents often fall into blind assumption that they are able to make better choices than their kids so kids shall listen. This applies to little kids. At certain point they need to let go of this or they are hurting their kids, often really do hurt. You can`t hurt your child more than to teach it and force it to jettison their skills for making choices for themselves. Its mostly their ignorance. Parents often do have a really good intentions behind it but they mostly aren`t perfect at all and its often tainted by their egoistic motives by a whole lot.
- Potential gf - Your parents have absolutely NO RIGHT to tell you HOW your relationship shoud look like . Mb it seems to them that they need to teach you so that you can embrace a great relationship but its so counterproductive. Actually such doings from their side lead to a very fucked up relationships, most often because again, you live on their expectations then and it will stike you sooner or later. Would you want to live with a girl who does not truly love you but will stay with you because she wants to fullfil the expectations ( mere example, don`t generalize it plz ) This is so ridicilous. You are drawned in this situation , such absurds don`t even seem absurd to you . You need to step back and observe this situation from a neutral point of view.
- You are distancing from your mother - of course you do and its only natural . Especially when parents are so strict. Why would you want to contact your mother anymore .
Anyways - plz understand that parents are really far more imperfect than it might seem. Don`t simply believe that they are sick or ill . They are fighting on many fronts to keep you by their side , which paradoxically is most often the reason for children leaving.
Nonetheless, even if they would be sick or something - never get deceived that it is your fault. It is not. It is your mother who constantly tries to bind your free will and if she fails to do that directly - don`t be suprised to see her use other methods - not rare ones being the ones that simply use your sense of care.
And all three of those areas are connected coz if i start failing at school too, my parents will go crazy, they would probably blame computer and starcraft (i play 1-2 games a week) and take both from me. If I enter the relationship with that girl my parents will disapprove it and it would certainly reflect on my mood and the relationship itself coz in her eyes i would probably come off as some crazy guy with a crazy family she doesnt want to have anything with."
So you fear . You fear that your parents will do this and that. You fear dissaproval. You fear they won`t accept your gf. You fear they will go crazy after your grades. Wouldn`t you say that your life is mostly controled by that fear ? How is your life gonna look like if you continue like that ? Its gonna suck.
Man, stand up. Don`t be a fucking coward. Don`t run away. Don`t make excuses. Don`t lie to your mother that you won`t be having gf before marriage if you don`t mean it , just because you are afraid of consequences. Say it. I will have and its not for you to decide by any means.
Seriously don`t be a fucking coward, don`t be so afraid of consequences. Look on your chessboard and pieces and see what is your next move. Being honest , straight-forward and valorious to say what you truly think and defend your beliefs is a tower on your chessboard.
They will take computer away ? So be it. So now I will go out whenever I want to. You would have to jail me in my room to prevent that...... etc - these might seem radical movements but they are not. They are moves that protect your King . If you have a loving family - then they won`t expell you. It will finally force them to start to understand you.
Who the fuck u are ? A robot ? So if u fail at grades once - they will get mad ? So that is what parental love is ? A heartless requirement ?
Don`t fear them , if they are loving family , you will come to understanding , still sometimes quite extreme measuers are needed.
-----------------------------------------
PS .
I don`t mean to say that parents are objects of blame and hate now. This isn`t their fault, more their ignorance. They have many different responsibilites and problems and its easy to get drawned in this mistreating parent-mode.
PS 2.
Sober, Truthful discernent and intelligence are your queen on the chessboard.
Being always calm inside, always cold and always able to observe the situation even under heavy emotion influence - is the tower your chessboard.
Being truthful, straightforward, valorious and never a coward - is the knight on your chessboard
Remember that all of these serve you , not the opposite.
e: shit i didn`t realize it will come out as such an eiffel tower post. Hope it ll help tho.