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First of all, you are ALWAYS playing on new map, and she tested it at least couple of times. As a result, you will be at the disadvantage and enter some unexplored terrain. This may put you at worse position, but don't worry: most of the time, she won't abuse this advantage. Don't be tempted to use maphacks or other dirty tricks: just scout properly and carefully and you will be fine. Be at least a bit bold and try not to wall yourself in, so she may be lured into prepared strategy you have on mind (she probably won't, but at least she will pay some respect to your skill). But don't pretend to be Boxer and don't try unusual builds to soften her resistance. You may hate standard TvZ with passion, but if you go for any Fantasy build, I won't bet a penny on your victory.
Now, you must assume she is 3 Hatching. Unless she comes from Thailand, she will be 3 Hatching for sure. And if she IS from Thailand, you need to be very, very suspicious before you 'll attack. To tell the truth, playing vs Thai may be the toughest, sometimes traumatic experience, as she will have totally different timing and you may expect she indeed HAS that 3rd Hatch hidden somewhere until it will be too late. So, when she comes from Thailand, be careful and if you are not 100% sure of 3rd Hatch play as if it was 2Hatch (unless, of course, you have some sort of gay rush in mind).
Time for some basic theory: her Main and Natural are impregnable for any sort of early agression, from Bunker rush to in-base Rax proxy. Never EVER do things like that; don't even fake your Bunker rush, or she will overreact and backstab you. Trust me: she always has more Lings and Drones to deal with your attack. She may even have some sort of rigged map to help her, and if you won't be mannered, you may expect her hidden allies popping out of nowhere and destroying your main, not to mention your natural. You need to start off slow, that's what I mean.
You are Terran, and you are first to engage the fight. Remember: as Zerg, she will play very reactive-style game and macro up to Hive tech till the point it may be too late for you. However, you can still comback from worst trouble with brilliant counter: the only thing that can stop you is YOUR OWN BLUNDER. This includes: failed timing-push, misjudged Sunken break and/or horible micro. If you made minor mistake in late game, it can be excused: but early- and mid-game blunders (or even minor slips, if you have less luck on your side) will be surely punished with GG no re.
Rule No.1: You must soften her 3rd Hatch first, before going for the natural and main. This may sound strange, but you don't need to destroy that base completely: just make her feel some pressure, but don't turn it into rape like Flash does recently in TvZ. Be gentle, this is just an event game so don't treat this like OSL or Proleague Final. Reducing her economy will be even more effective, especially when you will pull off some good micro in the process, just to make her will of fight weaker. You remember all these guys Boxer beaten at his prime? He made them smile just because he's been winning is so awesome style. This is your aim: be standard in terms of strategy (not-Boxer), and tricky in terms of execution (Boxer).
Rule No.2: Don't play mech. Mech is immobile. Mech is boring. Mech is about turtling and sitting on your ugly ass instead of acting. Play freaking bio, SK Terran for sure. Even if your APM is lacking, you will make mistakes, but don't get upset by this. This map is not Destination: it's much harder to play secure, and she will find it boring, for sure. In the end, even if you will win, she will turn away to play someone else. Know that she is playing for fun as so shall you. And mech is for ugly wins, not fun games.
Rule No.3: You need to figure out if she is newbie or not. If yes, she will have her natural Sunkened up through the whole game. Breaking it with just Medic/Marines will be grave error. You NEED to put your Tank in Siege and use it. Be a man and do what I said, but take some precautions. First, you need good timing (as I said, 3rd Hatch and 2nd just need to be softened already). Second, brace yourself and push hard. If you made your way to this point, there is no time for hesitating.
On the other hand, if she is not newbie, you ought to protect your Tank against her random Defiler misclicks. Remember, if you go with Siege without any Defensive Matrix, Plague will eat your troops ez. ALWAYS use D-Matrix on your Tank before targeting Hatchery at her natural. You are not proceeding against her, she may even claim her Defiler went crazy and did something on it's own. You trust her or not: doesn't matter. D-Matrix will stop the Plague and, as a bonus, it will prevent her from spawning Infested Terrans later on.
Rule No.4: Don't even expect to take out her natural and main in first game. Usually, she won't prolong it and GG after you will break through Dark Swarms in her nat. Do not demand later GG, do not be too harsh to assault her main. It's painful, it's hard to accept for her, even if you have gosu game-sense. After couple of practise matches and couple good ownages at the natural, she may let you to go for her main; but in many cases it won't be EVER possible. Be a Man and get on with it.
And the last important rule: If she is weirdo and going for some Kwanroll early strike with Speedlings or even proxy Hatchery: DO NOT allow her to overrun you. Fall back. Turltle like crazy. Avoid the fight. Be as boring as possible and as bad as Justin. If she keeps pushing, say GG and leave. This is NOT how Zerg race should be played, which shall lead you to the conclusion that you are about to develop a rivalry with some really awkward player. Don't take this bait: usually, she will be rushing to Defilers with Plague or at least drop you later to get new practice partners. Lags and rushes are both to be taken seriously and shall not be considered as any kind of invitation for rematch.
GL HF
 
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ALWAYS use D-Matrix on your Tank before targeting Hatchery at her natural.
insta 5/5 .
Going to quote this blog everywhere.
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"Rule No.4: Don't even expect to take out her natural and main in first game. Usually, she won't prolong it and GG after you will break through Dark Swarms in her nat. Do not demand later GG, do not be too harsh to assault her main. It's painful, it's hard too accept for her, even if you have gosu game-sense. After couple of practise matches and couple good ownages at the natural, she may let you to go for her main; but in many cases it won't be EVER possible. Be a Man and get on with it."
Dude im confused, are you talking about strategy, or how to get laid?
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The real actual rules of TvZ:
1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ.
2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ.
3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over.
4. Two players to a TvZ.
5. One TvZ at a time.
6. No hacks, no protoss.
7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle.
8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush.
+ Show Spoiler +
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against good zergs do not waste time and effort planning and placing a careful drop in either her nat or main. she can just scourge it ez.
also, if you're a dick terran and irridiate her drones she will just gg, leave, and never see your ass again.
if you have no skillz to stop her muta harrass you will be out of the game in no time.
and if you're not good enough to end the game, she will just ultraling your shit to pieces.
just my 2 ¥
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Plague = STD, DMatrix = Condom?
I guess this goes well with the zerg = female article.
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5/5, problably the best blog ive read here.
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On October 29 2009 22:26 kvilx wrote:
Now, you must assume she is 3 Hatching. Unless she comes from Thailand, she will be 3 Hatching for sure. And if she IS from Thailand, you need to be very, very suspicious before you 'll attack. To tell the truth, playing vs Thai may be the toughest, sometimes traumatic experience, as she will have totally different timing and you may expect she indeed HAS that 3rd Hatch hidden somewhere until it will be too late. So, when she comes from Thailand, be careful and if you are not 100% sure of 3rd Hatch play as if it was 2Hatch (unless, of course, you have some sort of gay rush in mind)
Possibly the most brilliant wording ever conceived
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HAHAHAHAHAahaah it took me a minute to get it but once I understood it was brilliant.
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konadora
Singapore66159 Posts
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ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLll.
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On October 29 2009 23:25 Jyvblamo wrote:The real actual rules of TvZ: 1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ. 2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ. 3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over. 4. Two players to a TvZ. 5. One TvZ at a time. 6. No hacks, no protoss. 7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle. 8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush. + Show Spoiler +
rofl Golden!!
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why so awesome?
 /5
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Quotes be goin in mai sig.
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On October 29 2009 22:26 kvilx wrote:
Lags and rushes are both to be taken seriously and shall not be considered as any kind of invitation for rematch. why so srs?
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On October 29 2009 23:25 Jyvblamo wrote:The real actual rules of TvZ: 1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ. 2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ. 3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over. 4. Two players to a TvZ. 5. One TvZ at a time. 6. No hacks, no protoss. 7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle. 8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush. + Show Spoiler +
effing beautiful
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lol it's nice the way it starts off as a decent analogy then gets more and more random as it goes on :p
5/5 hilarious
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lol what is this
i dont get it
jyvblamo's post is gold though hahaha
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On October 30 2009 02:27 imperfect wrote:
lol what is this
i dont get it
jyvblamo's post is gold though hahaha
Are you serious? You don't get it?
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On October 29 2009 23:25 Jyvblamo wrote:The real actual rules of TvZ: 1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ. 2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ. 3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over. 4. Two players to a TvZ. 5. One TvZ at a time. 6. No hacks, no protoss. 7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle. 8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush. + Show Spoiler +
Lmfao. That was hilarious.
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Remember, if you go with Siege without any Defensive Matrix, Plague will eat your troops ez.
omfg this is golden
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On October 30 2009 02:29 Sadistx wrote:Show nested quote +On October 30 2009 02:27 imperfect wrote:
lol what is this
i dont get it
jyvblamo's post is gold though hahaha Are you serious? You don't get it?
Prolly cause he is Protoss 
Great thread haha, 5/5 
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lol at infested terran spawning.
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i dont get it either. whats the refference? the game (pickup)?
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well fucking done. with this I will take my C- TvZ ALLLLLLLLL the way to A 
any tips to improve my APM?
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On October 30 2009 02:27 imperfect wrote:
lol what is this
i dont get it
On October 30 2009 03:41 Navane wrote:
i dont get it either. whats the refference? the game (pickup)?
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Oh god. It kinda hurts to see this got the same spotlight and number of replies that my Kal article did:-p
I guess I'm just jealous, because I dont know this much about TvZ.
(Though, it would have been a shame to miss Jyvblamo's reply )
God what a blog. GG
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absolutely brilliant sir. well played.
this is the same quote quality as Day[9] Chill v Combat-ex commentary @_@
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hahaha you gotta dmatrix your tank before attacking her nat
this will prevent plagues and later on spawning infested terrans LOLOOLOL
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Hahaha, you allmost made me cry of laughing! Even though I was a bit slow to get what plague and Dark swarm meant
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Best blog ever awards 2009
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Wow... Thats just brilliant. The best blog I have seen in a loooong while.
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This is like an evolved form of the old "base analogy". For nerds. Like us. Like me  .
Enjoyable read ty!
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On October 29 2009 22:26 kvilx wrote:
Rule No.3: You need to figure out if she is newbie or not. If yes, she will have her natural Sunkened up through the whole game. Breaking it with just Medic/Marines will be grave error. You NEED to put your Tank in Siege and use it. Be a man and do what I said, but take some precautions. First, you need good timing (as I said, 3rd Hatch and 2nd just need to be softened already). Second, brace yourself and push hard. If you made your way to this point, there is no time for hesitating.
I loved that part rofl.
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Baa?21242 Posts
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oh god. 10000000000/5 this was pure GENIUS
KUDOS
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i came back to read it again. still as good as the first time. infested terran and the d-matrix'd tank definitely my favorite part haha. lol what is fantasy build?
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On October 30 2009 07:56 redtooth wrote:
i came back to read it again. still as good as the first time. infested terran and the d-matrix'd tank definitely my favorite part haha. lol what is fantasy build?
Just don't harass her like a Vulture and don't pretend to be Goliath.
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D-Matrix will stop the Plague and, as a bonus, it will prevent her from spawning Infested Terrans later on.
LOL
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Beautiful! There's no way anyone won't get this. Except for those who have never even "softened her third hatch."
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Omg, this is purely one of the best blogs ever.
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oo ok i get it -_-;;;;;
didnt read the whole thing the first time TT
thought thailand part was pretty funny haha
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oh lord, why do I feel so uncomfortably aroused reading this
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leomon
Canada169 Posts
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Can't believe so many people don't get the sheer awesomeness that is this blog
Please may it be preserved forever
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What brand of D-matrix do you guys prefer?
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What do you do if she suddenly disconnects from the game?
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+ Show Spoiler +/Second, brace yourself and push hard. If you made your way to this point, there is no time for hesitating.
//as a bonus, it will prevent her from spawning Infested Terrans later on.
LOL
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I don't get it. What happens if you haven't researched seige mode? What do you do if your initial foray into her main is disconected? Do you need two science vessels for support? Also could you outline some some strategies for TvT- is it smart to try to mineral trick your way up their back ramp on Destination, as their choke will be inevitably tanked up.
On October 30 2009 11:51 Fontong wrote:
Can't believe so many people don't get the sheer awesomeness that is this blog
Please may it be preserved forever
Could you please explain it to me.
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Philadelphia, PA10406 Posts
I'm curious about what part ghosts play in this. I mean - if I can - if the zerg is just asking for it, (like  Killer) is that when a nuke should be used? I mean, it seems a pretty epic way to end the game, and all, but it might be seen as bm.
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I am going to watch a ZvZ on megaporn
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On October 30 2009 15:27 emperorchampion wrote:
I don't get it. What happens if you haven't researched seige mode? What do you do if your initial foray into her main is disconected? Do you need two science vessels for support? Also could you outline some some strategies for TvT- is it smart to try to mineral trick your way up their back ramp on Destination, as their choke will be inevitably tanked up.
LOOL Man, I'm clueless in TvT, don't even ask me about it.
On October 30 2009 05:27 mOnion wrote:
this is the same quote quality as Day[9] Chill v Combat-ex commentary @_@
"You give me too much credit, noble mOnion. I'm not worthy enough to even speak 'His' name."
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Perfect example of brilliance at it's finest. I loved the ending, so true lol
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WTF LOL +10 to author. Best metaphorical article I've ever seen AHAHA
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Yes, the use of "her" is very subtle indeed. This is why TL is the #1 SC site, for sure.
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i hate walls of texts but i read the whole thing
i loved it
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On October 29 2009 22:26 kvilx wrote:
Rule No.3: You need to figure out if she is newbie or not. If yes, she will have her natural Sunkened up through the whole game.
The entire tone of your blog had me thinking all the wrong things >.> <.<
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Wow, you must be a really good player
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Had to read it twice to finally get it. Most epic analogy ever.
5/5
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On October 30 2009 15:27 emperorchampion wrote:I don't get it. What happens if you haven't researched seige mode? What do you do if your initial foray into her main is disconected? Do you need two science vessels for support? Also could you outline some some strategies for TvT- is it smart to try to mineral trick your way up their back ramp on Destination, as their choke will be inevitably tanked up. Show nested quote +On October 30 2009 11:51 Fontong wrote:
Can't believe so many people don't get the sheer awesomeness that is this blog
Please may it be preserved forever Could you please explain it to me.
oh wow dude.. wow
On October 30 2009 16:23 tree.hugger wrote:I'm curious about what part ghosts play in this. I mean - if I can - if the zerg is just asking for it, (like Killer) is that when a nuke should be used? I mean, it seems a pretty epic way to end the game, and all, but it might be seen as bm.
nuke is pretty oldschool, illegal on most ladders so it would prolly get you reported to admins.
+ Show Spoiler [nuke] +
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Wow.....is it me or is anyone else feel strangely aroused by the wall of text? I feel so weird due to this epic thread!
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Do you have TVT guide?? LOL
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Hahaha this is great. I love the use of proverbs, so foreign xD
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Am I the only who gets the bio vs. mech analogy?
Come on people, are we all 14 here?
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i got it but it was boring 1/5
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On November 01 2009 11:57 jalstar wrote:
i got it but it was boring 1/5
blasphemy!
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On November 01 2009 12:22 uglymoose89 wrote:blasphemy!
all the jokes felt really forced, seemed like he ran out of material after 2 sentences too
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On November 01 2009 12:26 jalstar wrote:Show nested quote +On November 01 2009 12:22 uglymoose89 wrote:On November 01 2009 11:57 jalstar wrote:
i got it but it was boring 1/5 blasphemy! all the jokes felt really forced, seemed like he ran out of material after 2 sentences too
u r real cool dude
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On November 01 2009 12:30 NoobsOfWrath wrote:Show nested quote +On November 01 2009 12:26 jalstar wrote:On November 01 2009 12:22 uglymoose89 wrote:On November 01 2009 11:57 jalstar wrote:
i got it but it was boring 1/5 blasphemy! all the jokes felt really forced, seemed like he ran out of material after 2 sentences too u r real cool dude
you know those guys who always have to explain their jokes and keep killing a joke long after it's funny? the OP is that guy.
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LOOOOOOOOOOL
amazing blog :D
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You know those guys who start internet drama for really no reason, and also those guys who are eager to jump on that drama and add some more drama to it?
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lol I got all the way down to Rule 3 before I got it
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On October 29 2009 23:25 Jyvblamo wrote:The real actual rules of TvZ: 1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ. 2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ. 3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over. 4. Two players to a TvZ. 5. One TvZ at a time. 6. No hacks, no protoss. 7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle. 8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush. + Show Spoiler +
Made me lol :D
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3 Lions
United States3705 Posts
On October 29 2009 23:25 Jyvblamo wrote:The real actual rules of TvZ: 1. The first rule of TvZ is, you do not talk about TvZ. 2. The second rule of TvZ is, you DO NOT talk about TvZ. 3. If someone says gg, quits, or drop hacks you, the game is over. 4. Two players to a TvZ. 5. One TvZ at a time. 6. No hacks, no protoss. 7. Games will go on as long as you can turtle. 8. If this is your first TvZ, you have to bunker rush. + Show Spoiler +
lol win
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If you cannot research siege mode for your tanks should try and get stim packs?
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doesn't talk about 4 player maps...
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Can you make a zvz guide? I see people playing it all the time and i just don't get it.
BTW i just got A- tvz on iccup by following this guide.
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lol. OP and the list of rules. pure gold!
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On November 02 2009 10:35 O-ops wrote:
Can you make a zvz guide? I see people playing it all the time and i just don't get it.
BTW i just got A- tvz on iccup by following this guide.
Use your sunken colony and make it attack her :D
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time spent on TL daily=inverse relationship to likelihood of ever getting tank in siege mode anywhere near her base, or even starting a game in the first place.
Looks like you'll be playing in mirror mode for the rest of your life.
not to be taken too seriously
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On November 02 2009 10:35 O-ops wrote:
Can you make a zvz guide? I see people playing it all the time and i just don't get it.
BTW i just got A- tvz on iccup by following this guide.
Damn where are you from?
I'm moving there immediately
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On November 03 2009 09:31 Fontong wrote:Show nested quote +On November 02 2009 10:35 O-ops wrote:
Can you make a zvz guide? I see people playing it all the time and i just don't get it.
BTW i just got A- tvz on iccup by following this guide. Damn where are you from? I'm moving there immediately
yeah i'm not too good at zvz myself but it's really fun to watch.
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How can I teach my girlfriend ZvZ?!
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holy shit this is fantastic.
seriously, you made my day.
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AAahahah this is so good! Rule 3 with d-matrixes and infested terrans just made me laugh so hard.
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On November 03 2009 10:37 Jyvblamo wrote:
How can I teach my girlfriend ZvZ?!
More like you need to increase your skills so you can TvZZ
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LOL Thailand, hidden hatcheries, and gay rushes.
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this article is pure brilliance !
i actually learned smth
op is genius
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It did, because I missed the totally fucking genius post by Jyvblamo. Epic mindfuck I think O.o
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Thanks for the tips!
Oh, but what do I do if she's alredy infested my Command Center? I mean, if it's not producing Space Constructing Vehicles as it should?
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EPT![[image loading]](http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/441/glare.gif)
![[image loading]](http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/3989/doublefacepalm.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://stu.inonu.edu.tr/~fayildirim/CaveMan.jpg)
