Off-Topic General Discussion - Page 2324

I've skated by in life. Never really standing out, but never really having the motivation to try to. I've just let myself do adequately and just go with the flow. But now, with her, I want to improve myself. Not just physically (though I could stand losing a bit of gut), but as a person. It's not about changing to make someone like me, I already know she likes me enough, but it's about being with someone that is so important to you that you just want to be the best version of yourself for them. I want to be a better social person so that when we go out with her friends I don't seem awkward. I want to have a better schedule and routine so when she asks me how my day is I don't seem like a slob. I want to have better style so that when she sees me she's impressed. I want to be the sort of person that she doesn't just like being with - but she's excited to be with and feels as lucky to be with as I feel lucky to be with her.

But honestly, I don't know what that means. I guess I should just get out and do things outside my comfort zone until they no longer are outside it, but part of me also wants to remain as I am. Obviously there's a balance - improving oneself without changing who they are fundamentally. But I just don't know what to do or how much I should improve about me before it becomes an issue and it seems like I'm changing too much or trying too hard.

And... and I'm worried that I'll try to improve myself and fail. I'm worried that I'm going to try hard to become someone better but I'll realize that the cripplingly anti-social lazy slob that I am is the extent of who I am. And I worry that if that's the truth, she'll realize it and it will scare her away.

Using someone else as motivation for change is never really going to work. You have to want to be better for you. Maybe your self as she sees (or you think she sees) can be a realization of some kind, but, in the end, another person's feelings is not a good catalyst for real change. Is this something YOU really want? Can you think of a compelling reason other than for this person to BE "better"? If not, it's probably not worth doing.

Well I get that, I really do. But it's not that I want to change for her, like I said she already likes me enough to date me for 9 months and take me to meet her family and friends. But it's more like, I've always known that I'm kind of a crappy person, and I've never liked who I was. I'm lazy and unmotivated, I slack at work and in personal stuff, etc etc. I mean come on, you've seen how I would post about how much I hated myself. But I was never motivated to do anything about these things that I knew needed to change because I never really thought I would amount to anything. But now... I think I might. And that's enough reason for me.

My last relationship was... look, I wasn't posting on TL at the time but it was shit. We lied to each other, I basically had to change who I was for her to like me (she hated my friends, she didn't like me playing games, she wanted to go partying all the time, etc). I know what it's like to change yourself when you don't want to just to make someone like you. This isn't that. This is loving someone so much that you want to improve yourself for them. Because if this person - this amazing, beautiful individual - loves you back the way you are now, then you're worth loving and worth improving. Being with her, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm a worthwhile person.

Hey man i don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to change yourself for/because of someone else. I definitely had that moment with someone, and it was legit the biggest motivator. The hardest part is to keep up that kind of drive when she's not there, but I mean if you're serious about bettering yourself I don't think that'll be a problem.

Let's assume that you're in the right head space. I can see the difference between using someone as a REASON for change and someone as a MOTIVATION for change. It's a pretty fine line, so I'd keep an eye on that, but it seems fine overall. Just try to keep in mind your reasons for being better and why it'll help you more than anyone else.

Now comes the EVEN HARDER PART.

1) What do you want to change? What do you think will make you a better person?
2) Do that.
3) Keep doing that.

I think what you're talking about is building up habits that will evoke a change in character. That means you have to determine what those habits are, make a plan for how to get there, and commit to the plan like crazy. It's literally the most difficult thing in the world and very few people ever actually change. BUT it can be done. Creating self-accountability is insanely difficult. I recommend HabitRPG.

I am not an expert and my advice should never be followed.

i had the exact same thing. Met this special person and she was always nice to me everyday. Would go the extra mile just to be sure I was always in the best mood and left happy. She could never do anything wrong in my eyes and my world was perfect. Then one day she was gone, just gone and no words were said. I don't know if it was because of me but I was hurt. Haven't seen her since but deep down I know she's happy where ever she is. I stayed happy though, the new girl working the front cashier at the McDonald's is just as nice and my Big Macs have never been better. So life is good here