The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 109

God damn it i've had enough with the so called stereotypical 'Facebook Girls/Boys'. But they're all cousins and nephews of mine, so my dad would get angry if I unfriended them. He's all up in that 'family pride' and " never lose the connections to your distant relatives" shit, which I can somehow understand.

You can set it so their posts don't end up on your wall. Go to their profilepage, click on the 'Friend' tab in the upper right corner and check off 'show in news feed'.

Yeh, so I really do just fucking hate everything. I'm pretty fucking done with reality, at least for a while. I can't really deal with it, and even if I could, I just don't fucking care at this point. Fuck it. I'm gonna get my old friend from treatment to come down and visit me, and we are just gonna do a shitload of drugs. I don't care. A SHITLOAD. Usually I would consider this bad, I'd go on and on spitting bullshit about how escapism only makes things worse and it's unhealthy and how I only do drugs out of curiosity. Haha, not this time. This time I'm making a distinguished effort to leave my body. Assist in the escape. I've only really smoked weed before, maybe a bit of drinking, little spice, and a little nitrous, but if he does end up coming down I'm really gonna be on a crash course through drug experiences. He's gonna bring salvia, shrooms, and shitload of weed, DMT, DXM, and acid. Maybe some other shit, like K2 or spike. Now that's a fucking recipe for jailbreaking this prison of skin.

I'm looking forward to it because I just won't fucking care. Mix and match, mix and match, maybe I'll find a world where I'm happy. Maybe a even a little bit. And then, maybe it will change. It won't, but at least it will feel like it did for a few hours. Maybe I'll get torn away from this fucking place that I loathe more and more by the second, and maybe this skin will finally do.

Until then, I'm gonna do my best to do my worst. Fuck it, and fuck you, and fuck this, and fuck everything. I fucking hate it, and at this point it's just a matter of time.

Fuck I just love when I lose the weight of my own body. When I stop even realizing that I'm thinking. That's the kind of high I'm gonna have. Oooh, what to do first. I think DXM; that'll be fun, losing my sense of time, losing my sense of placement, losing myself in everything from music to colors. Mm, robotrip the shit out of it all. And with a friend it will be great too, talking about something that we can't even remember by the time the air leaves our lips.

Then, oh then maybe a nice combination of weed, K2, and spike. I'm not even sure spike is real, but I heard it's some thing that you smoke and then... it's like filling the space between lighting up weed and doing an actual hallucinagen. So yeah, that combination would be pretty sick; forgetting why I'm breathing, not caring that I don't care that I can't stand, falling through a distorted sense of consciousness. It'll be fucking fantastic. See, the cool thing is I have a minor case of synaesthesia. When I'm sober, it's not particularly noticeable, not all the time, but when I'm high... especially past a certain point, it's fucking INSANE. It's AMAZING. Music becomes so tangible, my imagination starts competing with my traditional senses. And I lose myself...

Then shrooms, I think. They seem to me to be the most casual of hallucinogens. How wonderful will THAT be. I've never done a true hallucinogen, unless you count my wild synaesthetic visions. But this... this is different. I'll see worlds that I could never see before, that I could even imagine seeing. In truth it'll just be two guys, sitting in their room, how insignificant, but to us... we'll be soaring, through what land I just don't know yet. Maybe a lost continent. Somewhere no one's been for a really long time... maybe that's where I'll be happy.

Now I don't know whether I'd want to do DMT or LSD first. I've heard people say that they change their lives after DMT... but then others say that acid is truly something else. The best. I don't know, both are very powerful hallucinogens, but DMT is a very quick and short one. I think... I think DMT first. I'll get to the second plateau, at least. Close my eyes, and write my own dreams... close one eye and I'll see half. Close both eyes and I'll see everything. Lock my lids, and feel my heart pound... the 15-30 minutes of that trip will be a lifetime, and a lifetime that I will never regret having. Not like this one. Oh, I'll become one with the music. I'll float through the grassy hills and rainy forests of my fantasies, and it will be what I've always wanted it to be. A world where eternity holds no resentment from me. It'll be like swimming through clouds.

Then... then acid I think. I've heard such things. Most of the people I know who've done it say it's their favorite. I'll be swept up in tumbling sheets of understanding. Understanding the incoherence. It'll all be there, and it'll all not be there. It's going to be the world, it's going to be more than the world. I'll drift out of here, and I'll talk of things that will never concern me. I'll feel them, I'll watch the galaxy turn and the stars burn and I'll have my friend, my utterly wonderful friend, there with me. Someone who I'd want to be with if I was to ever go where I could never. Through space, completely disregarding everything down here. The ground. The crushing air. It will be something I will never forget, and something I will never want to leave. Away.

And finally, salvia. Ooooh, salvia, how I've longed for you. For those of you who don't know, salvia is actually something else. It's hardly recreational, it's an experience of introspection with the widest bounds. I'll watch myself be torn from reality, from this place, but I won't go to another place. I'll go to the other side. I'll feel my body fall, both in space and in mind, and as I lie there I'll simultaneously become one with everything and nothing. And I'll see it all. I'll feel the smallness, the insignificance, the very fibers that hold me together. And there will be no control. I'm just here for the ride, but finally, FINALLY, I'll stop holding on so hard. And there's nothing you can do, the water ruins the maps we drew. Relax your fist, and tumble with me into the air. Maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe it will finally have me cope with all that I've been running from. Or falling from, at this point I hardly know. It would be ironic, wouldn't it? To come to terms with all of this, while experiencing all that? Hahaha, oh. Oh I can't wait. What is the true nature of me, and what is the true nature of this universe. I'll find out. I'll see the cross beams, and the skeleton, and every molecule in every part of it all. And I'll understand. Five minutes of the purest and most utter clarity. But it will be more, it will be an eon, it will be more than a lifetime, and it will mean more than a thousand.

And then I'll start mixing and matching. HAHHAAHA, FUCK I CAN'T WAIT TO TEAR MY SKIN OFF IN THE MOST PLEASING WAY.

I'm so unmotivated in my life, neither productive nor happy

finals are coming up and I'm completely winging them

RAH WHY DO I KEEP BEING SO USELESS AND ALSO SLEEPING SO LATE EVEN WHEN I'M NOT BUSY UGH!! Could have gone to sleep 5 hours ago and not have done any less than I did today... and I would have gotten more sleep too... FML Hate myself