EPTI have no further intents to cast/analyze Dota 2. I have decided that at this juncture in my life, casting does not align with what I want from my future. I am a bit sad, but we must keep forward facing. Big thanks to all who have supported me, especially when times were tough!
Additional answers: -I have unfortunately rescinded my decision to attend GESC. -Stream will be intermittent, if at all. -No, I don't have a secret job at Valve.
Additional answers: -I have unfortunately rescinded my decision to attend GESC. -Stream will be intermittent, if at all. -No, I don't have a secret job at Valve.
A very sad day indeed.
Ben followed up his tweets with some further thoughts and details.
Follow up:
I’ve had to consider my options for a while now, and I have to look out for my future. Everything was going great while I was casting. I loved seeing my friends, and I loved Dota. That was enough to make me happy. But as you age older and older, priorities start to shift. Dreams start to fade, realizations start to set in, and responsibilities mount.
Let’s start out simple. I’d love a dog, but I can’t take care of it. I travel too much, and it would be supremely unfair to get a pet. So what? Just don’t get a pet. Problem solved.
And then a bit more complex. What if talent starts undercutting other talent and I get paid less, despite Dota increasing in popularity and mounting prize pools? What if organizers start saying, “hey, we’re going to cut your rates in half.” What power do I have to say no? I *can* say no, but then I’m not making any money. The opportunity cost of me not going is huge. I can maybe stream in the meantime, or do some amateur casts, but that’s only a temporary solution for a paltry paycheck. And this is tier 1 talent, mind you. If I have little leverage, imagine the leverage of some others. Anyways, if one or two of the tier 1 talent is missing at an event, the organizer isn’t going to take a hit. They know that, and they realize they have more leverage, and hence can fiddle with rates as they wish. I’m at someone else’s mercy despite being at the top of the field.
I always try my best to stay in touch with the game, know the teams/players, watch tournaments, and peruse some stats before I talk about the teams. I try not to talk smack about organizers. I’m almost never late. I keep my word. I played plenty of Dota. I’m reliable, and I’m honest. Simply put, I do my job. There’s a bit of room for improvement (learn more heroes, do more research on t2/t3 teams, etc.), but job-wise, I’m close to the ceiling. So I have to look for other avenues for growth. Am I skilled enough to play competitive? Clearly not. Do I want to make YouTube videos about Dota? The market is not sustainable for me, I tried. Do I want to actively engage and promote sponsors for more income? I have morals that prevent me from selling products that I don’t like or use myself. Do I want to accrue a ton of subs and stream full-time? I never shilled for subs because my soul hurts asking other people for money. Do I want to become a variety analyst/caster? No. Dota is my game. Other games piddle away in comparison. Is Dota going to be alive in 5 years? Probably, but it’s not guaranteed. I struggled to find ways to grow, and concluded that casting was only a temporary thing for me.
And then even heavier issues. What about when I get married? Do I want to see my wife/kids half the month and live out of a hotel the other half? What if I want to purchase a modest house at some point. Can I take on a mortgage in good faith that I’m going to have steady income for 20-30 years? Am I actually going to be able to pay that off? My parents are getting old, and their health is slowly, but surely failing. Can I take care of them? Do I have money to do that? Do I even have the time to take care of them before they pass away? Am I going to regret the choices that I've made in life when I'm in mourning when they eventually leave this earth? They've sacrificed a lot for me. For reference, shortly after my grandfather died, I reasoned with myself, "He gave up his life and his home...so I could be unhappy working ridiculously long hours at a job I don't love." I quit that week and started doing something that I liked (Dota).
It's not that I didn’t enjoy casting, or that I don’t like Dota anymore. It is an amazing game that has captivated most of my time for roughly 13 years. But it sucks not having a goal. It feels very empty to not strive for something better. I became more concerned with smaller things. Trivial things impacted me more. I'm a bit ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I had my emotions flare in Dota a while ago, something that hasn't happened for many, many games. And looking back at it, it was because I was overly concerned with the small stuff. Why? Because I had no big picture for my career. I had no professional goals. Half my college friends are doctors, and the other half are successful software developers. They are surrounded by peers that push them, teach them, and help them grow. I need that in my life. At some point in 2017 it hit me that some people looked up to me, and it was a sudden, strange shock, of "What am I doing?" I never really focused on what other people thought, I just tried to do the best that I could. But when I actually took a step back and looked around, it was a little surreal to see how unaware I was and how my aspirations had languished.
I’ve had to consider my options for a while now, and I have to look out for my future. Everything was going great while I was casting. I loved seeing my friends, and I loved Dota. That was enough to make me happy. But as you age older and older, priorities start to shift. Dreams start to fade, realizations start to set in, and responsibilities mount.
Let’s start out simple. I’d love a dog, but I can’t take care of it. I travel too much, and it would be supremely unfair to get a pet. So what? Just don’t get a pet. Problem solved.
And then a bit more complex. What if talent starts undercutting other talent and I get paid less, despite Dota increasing in popularity and mounting prize pools? What if organizers start saying, “hey, we’re going to cut your rates in half.” What power do I have to say no? I *can* say no, but then I’m not making any money. The opportunity cost of me not going is huge. I can maybe stream in the meantime, or do some amateur casts, but that’s only a temporary solution for a paltry paycheck. And this is tier 1 talent, mind you. If I have little leverage, imagine the leverage of some others. Anyways, if one or two of the tier 1 talent is missing at an event, the organizer isn’t going to take a hit. They know that, and they realize they have more leverage, and hence can fiddle with rates as they wish. I’m at someone else’s mercy despite being at the top of the field.
I always try my best to stay in touch with the game, know the teams/players, watch tournaments, and peruse some stats before I talk about the teams. I try not to talk smack about organizers. I’m almost never late. I keep my word. I played plenty of Dota. I’m reliable, and I’m honest. Simply put, I do my job. There’s a bit of room for improvement (learn more heroes, do more research on t2/t3 teams, etc.), but job-wise, I’m close to the ceiling. So I have to look for other avenues for growth. Am I skilled enough to play competitive? Clearly not. Do I want to make YouTube videos about Dota? The market is not sustainable for me, I tried. Do I want to actively engage and promote sponsors for more income? I have morals that prevent me from selling products that I don’t like or use myself. Do I want to accrue a ton of subs and stream full-time? I never shilled for subs because my soul hurts asking other people for money. Do I want to become a variety analyst/caster? No. Dota is my game. Other games piddle away in comparison. Is Dota going to be alive in 5 years? Probably, but it’s not guaranteed. I struggled to find ways to grow, and concluded that casting was only a temporary thing for me.
And then even heavier issues. What about when I get married? Do I want to see my wife/kids half the month and live out of a hotel the other half? What if I want to purchase a modest house at some point. Can I take on a mortgage in good faith that I’m going to have steady income for 20-30 years? Am I actually going to be able to pay that off? My parents are getting old, and their health is slowly, but surely failing. Can I take care of them? Do I have money to do that? Do I even have the time to take care of them before they pass away? Am I going to regret the choices that I've made in life when I'm in mourning when they eventually leave this earth? They've sacrificed a lot for me. For reference, shortly after my grandfather died, I reasoned with myself, "He gave up his life and his home...so I could be unhappy working ridiculously long hours at a job I don't love." I quit that week and started doing something that I liked (Dota).
It's not that I didn’t enjoy casting, or that I don’t like Dota anymore. It is an amazing game that has captivated most of my time for roughly 13 years. But it sucks not having a goal. It feels very empty to not strive for something better. I became more concerned with smaller things. Trivial things impacted me more. I'm a bit ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I had my emotions flare in Dota a while ago, something that hasn't happened for many, many games. And looking back at it, it was because I was overly concerned with the small stuff. Why? Because I had no big picture for my career. I had no professional goals. Half my college friends are doctors, and the other half are successful software developers. They are surrounded by peers that push them, teach them, and help them grow. I need that in my life. At some point in 2017 it hit me that some people looked up to me, and it was a sudden, strange shock, of "What am I doing?" I never really focused on what other people thought, I just tried to do the best that I could. But when I actually took a step back and looked around, it was a little surreal to see how unaware I was and how my aspirations had languished.
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Merlini was always an enrichment for any panel.
