EPTgf forgot my birthday - Page 5
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BanZu
United States3329 Posts
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p4ge
Canada160 Posts
On August 11 2009 13:12 travis wrote: happy birthday p.s: she is probably just self-centered and/or a ditz but I guess that's something you'd know no, i don't think the girlfriend is the problem. youre the one that made the blunder. last year when she forgot your birthday you had the opportunity to tell her that remembering yoru birthday meant a lot to you, instead you chose to console her in a misguided attempt to spare her feelings. she failed to see what it meant to you because you didn't tell her. honestly you're acting like a woman expecting her to know what your feeling. the fault lies with you, all you had to do was say it meant a lot to you. so i have no pity for you sitting there crying like a baby, next time instead of being a pussy let her know who you really are by expressing your real thoughts. | ||
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The Storyteller
Singapore2486 Posts
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
Just to clear up something before I start: I didn't make a big deal out of this the first time or the second time, basically it amounted to "Yeah I'm a bit miffed about it but it's okay, let's just hope it doesn't happen again" in a joking tone. I'd like to consider myself a very very laid back boyfriend, I don't think I've ever blown up at her. She even jokes with me about doubting whether or not I'm human since I don't flip out on her for things she thinks a boyfriend should. So yeah, no idea why people are accusing me of making a big deal out of this. It's a blog, just sharing some thoughts. It's not like I made a discussion thread in General or something. I was a bit disappointed and somewhat confused. When I mean confused I mean "Should I be more angry about this?" since I feel like a lot of other people would be quite angry but I wasn't. Hence I wanted to see what other people's reactions would be in a similar situation. So on to the long list of responses: On August 11 2009 13:06 n.DieJokes wrote: Why didn't you remind her that your birthday is coming up, if it's special to you it would make sense for you to eagerly, and actively, anticipate it. My family never remembers each others birthdays and that's okay; checking to see if loved ones can remember your birthday on their own isn't a fair or accurate test of dedication. Still it is nice when they do and it blows that they didn't I come from a family where remembering the birthdays of our immediate family is extremely important. My parents and siblings never miss each others birthdays, ever. It's a fairly big deal and I like to treat it as a day where that person can have whatever they want within reason. I didn't remind her because she was talking about it as late as 2 days before my birthday, I knew that she knew it was coming. On August 11 2009 13:08 Bill307 wrote: The biggest problem I see in your relationship is that you've been with her for 5 years, yet something as insignificant as this is enough to depress you. It's unfortunate that you still don't trust her enough to either let this go, or tell her how much remembering a birthday means to you. I'm not and was not depressed, now you're just exaggerating. "Miffed" is the term I've been using. A bit disappointed. I wasn't exactly shedding tears over it. Also, if I knew that birthdays weren't that important to her then this would be different. However, she's the kind of person that throw a huge fit if I forget Valentine's day, our anniversary, or her birthday. I'd like to think that if she values those days so much she would value my birthday equally. By the way, she's aware of my views on the importance of birthdays. We have been going out for 5 years. Also, this isn't a matter of trust. On August 11 2009 13:15 Oxygen wrote: What seems more discomforting is the lack of honesty between you two, as she won't even say that she forgot when it's obvious she did. My suggestion is re-evaluate your relationship: do you "love" each other, in the psychotherapeutic definition of the word? That is, do you help each other grow as independent, capable people? Does she give you consistent support and help? Does she even want this? Perhaps I worded my post poorly somewhere, but she did admit to forgetting and apologized. I'd like to say she loves me pretty deeply considering she's told me she wants to marry me eventually. (I'm not ready for that yet, long story) She generally a very caring and kind person and all that stuff, which I why I find it odd that she would forget this when she's generally pretty on top of most other similar things. On August 11 2009 13:15 Bill307 wrote: Really, this is the kind of insecurity and big-deal-out-of-nothing that you stereotypically see from a girl. So "man-up". Insecurity? Big deal? Man up? Really? Every post by you just keeps exaggerating the scope of this whole situation. That said, while birthdays may not be important to you in the least it is something important to me and my family and it has been that way for as long as I can remember. On August 11 2009 13:34 Bill307 wrote: Just how many people will immediately admit when they've screwed up? The normal reaction is to feel embarassed and to try to deny it, especially if they know the other person will be upset by their mistake (which she probably does, if the OP was angered by it a year ago). Even after some time has passed, most people will be afraid of looking bad in the eyes of the other, so they still won't readily admit it. Very, very few people would have admitted that mistake. I admit when I've made a mistake. "Man up." On August 11 2009 14:00 Bill307 wrote: I would. It must be one of the most useless pieces of information you could remember about them. It affects a single day in the entire year. Knowing about their personality, their interests, their experiences, and even which foods they like is much more important and useful. So I would try to remember it, but it would be a low priority. I'd probably just write it down somewhere. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Are you married? I have some vague memory of you saying you did at some point but I'm having a hard time imagining you keeping a girlfriend if you consistently don't remember and thus do nothing for occasions like your anniversary, valentine's day, or her birthday. Knowing about their personality, interests, experiences, food likes, etc is all a given. Just like remembering her birthday. At least in my book anyway. On August 11 2009 14:05 {88}iNcontroL wrote: Yup. Sounds like everything else works (5 years together). Forgive her.. tell her you'd like it to be different and move on. being the bigger man here and allowing her some relief is a bigger lesson learned than guilt tripping her or punishing her in anyway. @Mani: It's not the end of the world, absolutely. I'm sure it didn't exactly make you feel great though right? @Inc: I did forgive her (not quite forgetting though, so does that count?) and I have no intention of bringing it up again. Unless it happens a third time. On August 11 2009 15:13 Bill307 wrote: That sounds a lot less significant than the happiness you'd give to each other on a daily or weekly basis. And if you're doing something meaningful for your partner only once a year, and it has to be scheduled in advance rather than being spontaneous... doesn't sound all that great to me. So what if you already do nice things for her spontaneously like take her out places, show up at her door with roses, get her an ipod, cook her dinner, etc? That doesn't absolve me from doing something extra for her birthday or other occasions. Little fun fact: There was a guy I knew that didn't believe in celebrating "hallmark" holidays like Valentine's day, birthdays, etc. So when he was dating this girl he did nothing for the aforementioned special occasions, ignored them completely. He claimed he made up for it by doing stuff randomly. This guy was my current girlfriend's ex, and she tells me he was trash and it made her depressed when she saw her friend's boyfriends celebrating those occasions. It's in the boyfriend handbook, thou shall not forget these occasions. Even if the girl says she doesn't care about them. On August 12 2009 07:09 BanZu wrote: I'd really like it if the OP reposted here with what his thoughts on this subject are now. I hope he realizes how immature this whole ordeal is... Replied, and I don't feel my thoughts were immature at all. | ||
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
On August 12 2009 12:10 D4EMON wrote: no, i don't think the girlfriend is the problem. youre the one that made the blunder. last year when she forgot your birthday you had the opportunity to tell her that remembering yoru birthday meant a lot to you, instead you chose to console her in a misguided attempt to spare her feelings. she failed to see what it meant to you because you didn't tell her. honestly you're acting like a woman expecting her to know what your feeling. the fault lies with you, all you had to do was say it meant a lot to you. so i have no pity for you sitting there crying like a baby, next time instead of being a pussy let her know who you really are by expressing your real thoughts. I did tell her it bothered me then let her know it wasn't the end of the world or anything since she already clearly felt bad about it. | ||
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
On August 12 2009 12:41 The Storyteller wrote: My first thought was, shouldn't the title read "BF forgot my birthday"? I thought most guys didn't care about their birthday. I forget my own birthday until my wife reminds me. Addressed this above, but it's been seen as something important in my family for as long as I can remember. | ||
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BanZu
United States3329 Posts
On August 12 2009 13:05 Phyre wrote: Replied, and I don't feel my thoughts were immature at all. I was referring to the OP but I guess it's not true because apparently I misread your intentions. It's just the fact that you bothered posting about it that everyone thought you were angry and making a big deal about it. | ||
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
On August 12 2009 14:00 BanZu wrote: I was referring to the OP but I guess it's not true because apparently I misread your intentions. It's just the fact that you bothered posting about it that everyone thought you were angry and making a big deal about it. Not really angry, more kind of curious what other people thought, if others had a similar experience, and how they interpreted it. If I was asking how I should proceed then perhaps I could see it me making a big deal out of it. I did feel somewhat disappointed and honestly I don't think it's unfair given the circumstances. | ||
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
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micronesia
United States24689 Posts
On August 12 2009 14:36 rushz0rz wrote: thats the good thing about facebook. i never forget someone's birthday now. In my opinion, this defeats the purpose of the whole thing. | ||
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Jibba
United States22883 Posts
So yeah, no idea why people are accusing me of making a big deal out of this. It's a blog, just sharing some thoughts. Blogs are meant for this sort of stuff, and I can understanding wanting to vent some disappointment to someone besides her. Remembering a birthday isn't asking that much, and it's not as if Phyre can control how he feels about it - it's just the way he was raised.Sucks that it's a lose/lose situation for you though. There isn't any other reasonable recourse besides letting it go. | ||
Bill307
Canada9103 Posts
On August 12 2009 13:05 Phyre wrote: [snip] You assume I have all kinds of flaws because you read things into my posts that aren't there. Meh. Oh, I would totally be a terrible boyfriend for a girl who's super-insecure about herself and has all kinds of silly expectations of what I have to do for her (i.e. is super-needy). I don't consider that a loss, though.  As an aside, since we're kind of on the topic of what people should and shouldn't do for each other: as I see it, strict expectations in a relationship (the kind where the other person gets angry when you fail to meet them) are just manifestations of mistrust. If you trust someone, and they don't do something you expected of them, then you know it was a misunderstanding, and you have no reason to question their personality, their loyalty to you, their consideration for you, etc., i.e. no reason to be upset with them. Moreover, for me personally, I derive a lot of pleasure from giving a gift to someone or doing something nice for them as a pleasant surprise for them. But when I have to do it, i.e. when it's expected of me, that drains most of the fun out of it. =P | ||
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Daveed
United States236 Posts
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The Storyteller
Singapore2486 Posts
On August 12 2009 13:08 Phyre wrote: Addressed this above, but it's been seen as something important in my family for as long as I can remember. That's quite interesting. In mine, only my mum really seems to care about it. | ||
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stroggos
New Zealand1543 Posts
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Elvin_vn
Vietnam2038 Posts
On August 12 2009 06:52 PanN wrote: My birthday is one day away from my gf's. I consider my self the luckiest known man in the universe. Also, use her forgetting your birthday, for some anal. what's good about anal? tighter? | ||
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OhThatDang
United States4685 Posts
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
On August 12 2009 14:38 micronesia wrote: Must suck to care about insignificant things because you end up disappointed a lot lol. If for some reason your birthday is very important to you then definitely make sure she understands that. Others have said that better than me already. In my opinion, this defeats the purpose of the whole thing. Right... so apparently you skipped the entirety of my response (understandable, it was lengthy) but I clearly stated that she knows full well what birthdays mean to me. We've been going out for 5 years, she knows in no uncertain terms. Second, I'd rather you not come in here and dictate to me what is and isn't significant and thus worth caring about with largely no justification. I'm sure everyone has something that they hold dear to them but 99% of the rest of the world thinks is utter ridiculousness, including you. So please don't presume to tell me what I can/should care about. | ||
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Phyre
United States1288 Posts
On August 12 2009 14:57 Bill307 wrote: You assume I have all kinds of flaws because you read things into my posts that aren't there. Meh. Wow, that's practically the exact same thing I was going to say to you. On August 12 2009 14:57 Bill307 wrote: Oh, I would totally be a terrible boyfriend for a girl who's super-insecure about herself and has all kinds of silly expectations of what I have to do for her (i.e. is super-needy). I don't consider that a loss, though. As an aside, since we're kind of on the topic of what people should and shouldn't do for each other: as I see it, strict expectations in a relationship (the kind where the other person gets angry when you fail to meet them) are just manifestations of mistrust. If you trust someone, and they don't do something you expected of them, then you know it was a misunderstanding, and you have no reason to question their personality, their loyalty to you, their consideration for you, etc., i.e. no reason to be upset with them. Moreover, for me personally, I derive a lot of pleasure from giving a gift to someone or doing something nice for them as a pleasant surprise for them. But when I have to do it, i.e. when it's expected of me, that drains most of the fun out of it. =P So, you didn't answer my question. Have you been in any sort of meaningful relationship? I'm mildly curious at this point and it would make your words have some degree of weight. On the topic of expectations, I have very very few expectations of her. You don't know me, and it's hard for me to impart to you just how laid back I generally am. Remembering my birthday is one of the very few and I didn't make a big deal out of it anyway. Lastly, I'm not miffed in the least about getting gifts. If she didn't get me anything it wouldn't be a big deal, it was more disappointing to me that she just plain forgot about the occasion. That aside though, gifts are not for your enjoyment. I do enjoy giving gifts too but that's not why you give them, it's to make the other person happy. You have some very peculiar thought processes if you only give gifts when you feel like it and for your own personal pleasure. | ||
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zeks
Canada1068 Posts
But yeah, after all that it really bothered me, and one thing lead to another and quickly after that we broke up. So yeah OP, I'm with ya pal, I guess I can say I can empathize with you a little bit - except you have been in a relationship for 5 long years, and my relationship was only a couple months (she was also my first). After that experience I pretty much learned not to be uptight about most things. You'll probably handle things a lot more mature than I did. | ||
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