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Okay. Firstly, let me say that I am not writing this blog with the intentions of gaining any sort of sympathy. Secondly, this blog could turn out to be quite long simply because I'm writing it more or less on a stream of consciousness. I apologize in advance if my ideas seem fragmented.
In January of 2008, my girlfriend and unborn child were killed in an car crash about 45 minutes from where I live. Her and I had been together almost three years, and were going to be having our child sometime in April. The cause of the accident was a head-on collision. The driver (I'll call him Mr. J) had managed to cross over a median and drive onto the wrong side of the road, killing them instantly. Upon arriving at the hospital, the doctors found a pound of marijuana stuffed in the guy's pants. That's not important right now, but will be later.
Let me stop for a second, and also say that the aim of this blog is more to help myself shed some light on the grieving process. I encourage anyone who's experienced the loss of someone close to them to post and share their experiences in dealing/handling this loss.
Back to the story: Due to the hospital being located in a different city than the accident, he was charged twice in two different jurisdictions. The police could not prove that Mr. J had any criminal negligence to cause the accident, so manslaughter was out of the window. The only realistic charge he could face was reckless driving, as well as a possession charge from the pot. A blood test can not reveal how recently someone had smoked, so there was no way of proving he was high during the accident.
As it turns out, he was convicted of the reckless driving charge and got six months in jail (so only three with good behavior). He also ended up pleading guilty in the possession case. It's taken all year for the system to process this case, which means I can't get a break from anything. I haven't been able to put this to rest because I'm constantly reminded of it. The 'justice' system is fucked, I tell you what. But that's another story.
So now, a year later, I guess you could say I'm still bent up over it. I've basically lost the desire for a relationship and sex. It just seems like any girl I've met is just not good enough. Mr. J's trial is still not finished, he faces sentencing later this year. Each and every day I have to drive past the scene of her accident, which doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I normally use the time to pay my respects to her, whether it by a kiss to the sky or simply an "I love you" whispered to the heavens. I miss her more than anything in the world, I can't stress that enough.
Okay, story over. Sorry if it seems I haven't actually SAID anything.
So to anyone who's experienced a loss: please share your experiences.
edit: By experiences I guess I mean with death, injustice, and all-around bad luck. That's just the tip of the iceberg for me as far as 2008 was concerned. Tornadoes, abductions, arrests, surgeries, and more death followed as the year progressed!
  
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I am sorry for your loss.. It reminded me of what I got and how much I should appriciate it
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Belgium6771 Posts
I haven't had losses that come even close to what you went through but I just wanna wish you the best and hope that eventually you'll be able to continue your life happily.
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16998 Posts
You know, I'm never sure exactly what to say in these situations. It's hard to express sympathy over the internet, but do know that I'm sorry for your loss, wish you all the best and hope that you make it through these times.
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Fuck this is so horrible I really don't know what to say.
All the best man
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I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me... You're a hero for being able to live on, in my opinion. I hope someday you find peace with yourself over what happened. Keep on going.
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After reading your post I sit teary-eyed in front of my screen, speechless.
My brother died in a head-on collision with a truck, but although the exact situation was never fully reconstructed it seems that the crash was his fault. He was a very inexperienced driver and I honestly don't feel any hatred for the driver of the truck. However I can very much relate to what you must be feeling like.
I think you are doing the right thing. Reading the sentence about you paying your respect to her makes me believe that you are a good hearted person and have the right mind set.
To find your peace you will need time... Much more time than a year. You shouldn't push yourself anywhere, just take your time and try to find a way of thinking which makes you feel at ease with yourself. Maybe speaking with the driver of the car will help you at some point of time, but when that will be only you can know.
Best wishes for you!
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That's some bullshit that the guy is only guilty of negligence for not paying attention and killing someone else in a wreck. You have my condolences.
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I lost my mother in a car accident merely 2 weeks ago, so although the circumstances were different, I can kinda feel with you. (My story can be found here)
I'm in the lucky position of being very stable mentally. Hanging out with friends helped me a lot. Maybe it can help you too. Chin up! It helps nobody if you are sad, and I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't want you to be bitter for a long time. Easier said than done, I know, but try to find happiness for yourself. I don't know if having Mr.J in prison can achieve that for you.
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You weren't looking for it, but you have my sympathy. I still love you LordWeird; Ahzz says he does too.
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On January 11 2009 02:55 NoobsOfWrath wrote:
That's some bullshit that the guy is only guilty of negligence for not paying attention and killing someone else in a wreck. You have my condolences.
And probably being high.
You (OP) also have my condolences.
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Man... I'm on the edge of crying here I feel so sorry for you
Hope you'll find happiness again...
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I drove on the wrong side of a one-way about twice in the last month being stewnd.
O dear... =(
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Sorry man. I wish I cold come up with words to make things right but I can't.
I hope your pain goes to rest. Sorry for your loss.
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I am so sorry for your loss - best of luck to you
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I had a relative died in an elevator accident 2 years ago. She wasn't very close to me but to my cousin. I talked with him a lot and I know how it feels.
I believe that you will move on and find your happiness soon.
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An incredibly sad story. Losing someone you love is maybe the hardest thing in the world. No one should have to experience the pain you must have gone/still be going through.
My thoughts are with you, sincerely.
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This is quite possibly one of the saddest things I have ever read, I'm so sorry for you.
Hope you find happiness in the end.
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Hungary11300 Posts
I feel sorry for you, my condolences. May you find back the joy of life at some point.
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If people want to get wasted, that's their perogative, but I really think that there should be huge consequences for causing a serious accident if there's even a possibility of drug use involved. You can't just say "I was high, I'm sorry dude." It doesn't bring back someone's life.
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wow moving post man.
i can only imagine the pain to lose some1 whom u clearly care so much for.
i can hope u may be able to find some1 else and also be able to be happy in life.
you have my condolences
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Wow, I am really sorry you had to go through that. I couldn't imagine losing someone really close to you. I've had a couple close calls, and those hurt like heck.
My older brother Mitch and his wife had their kid a few weeks ago. Its real humbling to hold a newborn. Can't really comprehend an innocent being losing its life like that. And also someone that means the world to you.
I hope you get through this and heal little by little every day. Because you can. And you'll feel better and be on top of the world.
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On January 11 2009 05:10 Mortality wrote:
If people want to get wasted, that's their perogative, but I really think that there should be huge consequences for causing a serious accident if there's even a possibility of drug use involved. You can't just say "I was high, I'm sorry dude." It doesn't bring back someone's life.
That is true to an extent. I'm sure anyone who has suffered like this will want proper justice. But for me at least, even putting that driver away for life or killing him would still not make it "fair." So in the end, I think it would be best to just let him be punished, but also just let him go.
I don't know, it's a complicated thing and that logic doesn't work for all cases.
But I really feel for the op and wish this never happens to anyone.
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I'm sorry over what happened, I feel like after reading all these tragic things to people when I lose a loved one sometime, it's gonna feel horrible
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On January 11 2009 05:10 Mortality wrote:
If people want to get wasted, that's their perogative, but I really think that there should be huge consequences for causing a serious accident if there's even a possibility of drug use involved. You can't just say "I was high, I'm sorry dude." It doesn't bring back someone's life.
you cant punish someone for something they may have done. As tragic as this is, if you cant prove he was high, then you have to assume he wasn't. The guy may have just been transporting drugs. Either way, I really feel for the OP. Losing someone you love has got to be hard.
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Thanks for the kind words everyone. I don't feel as though I could have written this anywhere and had such a nice response. Much love from my end.
I've found that our community has actually helped a lot with some of the pain. Times I could have spent grieving have been spent watching epic StarCraft or having a good laugh over a thread.
I guess I should mention that I do not hate Mr. J for what happened. I smoke marijuana regularly, and also have driven under the influence of it. However, I've never been impaired to the point where I haven't been able to drive. I actually can't fathom being that high. We think he may have fallen asleep at the wheel. The accident took place at 5:45 AM, so it was dark, and the streets were pretty empty. He was on his way to work (he worked for the county of Yorktown, the area the accident took place).
I don't hate him, and actually feel a bit of pity for the guy. He himself has a child on the way, and I know his pleading guilty will give him some time to really think about it. I don't want him dead, as that wouldn't help anything. I just want him to feel the weight of his actions. I want him to know how much he impacted her family. A part of me feels as though he never will.
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My dearest condolence to you.
I have written these words far too many times... it is indeed a sad and depressing world for many of us.
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Back to the story: Due to the hospital being located in a different city than the accident, he was charged twice in two different jurisdictions. The police could not prove that Mr. J had any criminal negligence to cause the accident, so manslaughter was out of the window. The only realistic charge he could face was reckless driving, as well as a possession charge from the pot. A blood test can not reveal how recently someone had smoked, so there was no way of proving he was high during the accident.
Can someone explain how Mr.J can't be charged with Manslaughter? I thought it applied to all killings (at least).
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Still could remember the day you posted when it happend and still hard to imagine how you feel and how you gonna work this up;/
I hope you love for life comes back any time soon
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That really sucks that you have to drive by the spot every day to work (or whatever it is for). Remember that life goes on, don't dwell on the past. Sorry if that's not very comforting but it's applicable.
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On January 11 2009 17:39 Wala.Revolution wrote:Show nested quote +
Back to the story: Due to the hospital being located in a different city than the accident, he was charged twice in two different jurisdictions. The police could not prove that Mr. J had any criminal negligence to cause the accident, so manslaughter was out of the window. The only realistic charge he could face was reckless driving, as well as a possession charge from the pot. A blood test can not reveal how recently someone had smoked, so there was no way of proving he was high during the accident.
Can someone explain how Mr.J can't be charged with Manslaughter? I thought it applied to all killings (at least).
Negligent manslaughter test here in Victoria, Australia (note that the law in his jurisdiction may be different):
Is there proof that a reasonable person placed in the circumstances in which the accused found themselves would have appreciated the probability of the occurence of death or serious bodily harm?
The rest is self-explanatory.
Edit: Condolences to the OP.
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Reading this puts life in perspective... sorry for your loss. Hope fate smiles upon you and rewards you with a cupid's arrow soon
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
your story makes me weak at the knees dude.
I am so sorry. I know you said you didn't want that but.. jesus christ. Respect to you and your outlook on this sir.
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I thought I'd drop my story to let you know that there are other people out there in very similar situations.
On 12/12/07 a drunk driver and my dad in his semi collided. My dad was the one that didn't walk away. That's usually not what happens when a semi and a car crash, but, that's how things happened. A WTF from God I guess.
5 hours later they got a judge's signature to take the kid's (I'll call him Mr. S) blood. Even 5 hours after the accident he was still legally drunk. For most of 2008 we dealt with the court system, which I'll agree with you is completely and utterly fucked in this country. Anyways, late summer we find out that the police do not have enough evidence to determine which driver was left of center. Through another few months of tormet from Lady Justice, and the kid gets 180 days in jail for the DUI (he had priors).
Yeah, we're still in disbelief at the whole thing. Having Dad gone is one thing, having the fucking useless court system not prove a beligerent, loser drunk killed my father is another.
All my thoughts and condolences go out to you. As I said, you aren't alone in this.
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Germany / USA16648 Posts
I'm not sure whether I can find anything good to say I know that I had watery eyes reading this your op -.-
On January 11 2009 00:59 LordWeird wrote:
So now, a year later, I guess you could say I'm still bent up over it. I've basically lost the desire for a relationship and sex. It just seems like any girl I've met is just not good enough. Mr. J's trial is still not finished, he faces sentencing later this year. Each and every day I have to drive past the scene of her accident, which doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I normally use the time to pay my respects to her, whether it by a kiss to the sky or simply an "I love you" whispered to the heavens. I miss her more than anything in the world, I can't stress that enough.
Sounds pretty normal to me, that you can't see anything in another girl just yet. Maybe you won't even ever be able to fully detach yourself from the fact that you lost your gf and your unborn baby and in fact I don't think you should, but you will learn to be happy anyway - and with someone else.
You already seem strong, that's a good reason for me to be optimistic.
Personally I am lucky enough to have never lost someone who was close to me (ok, a girl with whom I was close in high school ended up commiting suicide a couple of years later, but I didn't have anything to do with her anymore, so it didn't really get to me). But my dad and his 2nd wife lost their 2nd baby when it was only a couple of weeks old. I wasn't as close with him as I am now and was also much younger than I am now, but I distinctly remember the look in his eyes...
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I'm sorry for your loss LordWeird. Any word would sound stupid I guess.
Though, maybe the thought that you have lived a part of your life with this girl you loved, and that this will always have happened, can make you feel better. I always find a consolation in the idea that what has been done has been done for ever (huh, sounds a bit unclear, hope you understand what I mean). What make the beauty of the life is not only what you live and are going to live but also what you have lived.
But that's just words. You have my sympathy.
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I am sorry for your loss..
The 'justice' system is fucked, I tell you what.
And respect for not taking justice into your own hands.. If it was me... I dont know...
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I still remember that day my deepest colnsolenses man.
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When I read this entry a few days ago I felt so very bad for you but I didn't want to post as I think you must be sick of all the pitty for you. I thought about death and I always thought it won't affect me, people die, animals die, everything dies. I knew that and I was pretty sure that whoever dies and is close to me will be missed but I won't be dwelling in melancholy or cry a whole lot.
Turns out that's not at all how I react to death. Today my 3 year old cat just died, he died without any warnings or signs of being weak or unhealthy, heck we've been with him at the vet just 2 months ago and everything was alright.
I always longed for a cat but due to my father being alergic to fur we never had one, until my father and my mother parted. So three years ago my friend offered me a cat and I so accepted it gladly and overwhelmed with joy. I swore to love him no matter what.
And I did, I really loved him. My love for him is probably as deep as the love I have for my mother, or my sister. Him being gone is like losing the closest family members you can lose.
That's how it feels to me.
Whenever I close my eyes I just see moments I had with him and it's so hard on me that tears start to flow immediately.
My sister woke me up, he was lying there on his favourite spot with eyes and mouth open, tounge out, not moving... not one bit.
I broke out in tears and tried waking him up and ask 'why' all over again. It didn't work... it never works.
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EPT
