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My girlfriend has really big depression issues, and I don't know how to deal with it.
She talks about how she's never happy, she'll never be happy, her mom is a horrible bitch (true), and she won't be able to live independently when she graduates highschool.
However, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, she stopped seeing her therapist, instigates her mother, stopped taking prozac, won't go to tennis (one of the few things she likes), and refuses to talk to any of her friends.
Essentially, I'm the only one she talks to. I want to help her, I really care about her, and I would want to help anyone with these problems because I delt with them myself.
My father was an abusive alcoholic, my step-father is verbally abusive, my mother is so absorbed in her stress issues she borders on negligent, and cycles into overbearing. I dealed with my depression by realizing how insignificant these problems are, since soon I will be an adult and can live my own life, free of family trouble.
But how do I get her train of thought on the same track? It's really frustrating.
She says that when she goes to college she still won't be happy, even free of her family troubles. She says she'll be lonely so she'll turn into a drunk slut, so she can socialize and meet people.
It's of course the opposite of what I'd like her to be. I have a beef with teen drinking, because of a friend who died in a car accident after a party, and a friend who was raped. I'm also scarred from my childhood, which may make my demonization of alcohol irrational, but there is no reason for a girl, especially an intelligent one such as her to turn into a drunk slut.
What do I do? I wish this was as easy as Protoss. Any advice?
Travis?
 
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51599 Posts
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
There are no easy roads in such situations (obviously). The only thing you can do is be there for her whilst not letting her negativity reflect on you. Stay positive and don't react or respond to her negativity. Respond to her negative statements by jokingly changing the subject or something.
'god im so unhappy i'm just gunna become a drunk slut'
'well atleast carry some condoms then'
etc
fwiw all girls, intelligent or not, are prone to being a 'drunk slut' in the right scenario and its not a bad thing
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On August 28 2008 15:23 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
However, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, she stopped seeing her therapist, instigates her mother, stopped taking prozac, won't go to tennis (one of the few things she likes), and refuses to talk to any of her friends.
That really scares me. That is one of the signs. I think she should go back to the therapist. Might sound crazy, but if the prozac was really working then you might want to sneak some into her food.
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dont know exactly what she's depressed about but...
tell her to treat non-issues as non-issues and make her actively deal with problems. like if she has beef with her mom then don't dodge the issues. if the mom has a right to be bitchy, then you should tell your gf or she should stand up for herself.
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Shes sounds like shes digging a deeper grave for herself while you are trying to pull her out into the light. Don't stop, be persistent. As Rekrul said, stay positive. She might give up on herself but you cannot give up on her for her sake.
Be strong for her and you'll be strong yourself.
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On August 28 2008 15:38 Rekrul wrote:
There are no easy roads in such situations (obviously). The only thing you can do is be there for her whilst not letting her negativity reflect on you. Stay positive and don't react or respond to her negativity. Respond to her negative statements by jokingly changing the subject or something.
'god im so unhappy i'm just gunna become a drunk slut'
'well atleast carry some condoms then'
etc
fwiw all girls, intelligent or not, are prone to being a 'drunk slut' in the right scenario and its not a bad thing
Generally I deal with it by talking about something else.
You are right about the drunk slut thing, but to make that choice because you fear loneliness is obviously an unhealthy way of dealing with a deeper problem.
In response to the issue of her mother...
Today she didn't want to go into the store with her mom, because she was just buying a watermelon. So her mom freaked out and yelled at her WHY? WHY WON'T YOU GO?.
She had a headache, so the mom makes her go with her, and when she goes to the bathroom, strands her in Henry's. She had to call her Grandpa to pick her up. When she got home, her mom wouldn't let her get her purse out of the car, and yelled at her for not wanting to go in the store in the first place.
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Tell her to stop feeling so sorry for herself... Depression sucks, but it's worse when you feed it to the point you're acting like you want to be miserable and for everything to be horrible because it justifies your emotions.
That said, it probably wouldn't hurt if you tried to be romantic and make her feel special. Depression usually comes from an illusion people create that nobody loves them, and that anyone who says they do is lying. But actions speak louder than words, and prove things to a person to put them on the track to believing in themselves and the pursuit of happiness.
PS: Telling your boyfriend you're going to be a drunk slut is REALLY weird. Like... it doesn't speak well for her intelligence 
PPS: 1a2a3a4a5a
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On August 28 2008 15:38 Rekrul wrote:
fwiw all girls, intelligent or not, are prone to being a 'drunk slut' in the right scenario
Way to go Rek!
x_x
re:OP : does your girlfriend admit to being depressed (or generally having a problem), or does she have a devil-may-care attitude? If she acknowledges her depression, then it's possible that you can help her back on track just by encouraging her to take her meds and resume therapy and tennis, and by physically helping her with the process (that is, hand her the pills and the cup of water, or drive her to where she goes). In fact, that's probably all the advice I can give, not being a professional (and she obviously needs *some* kind of professional help); actually physically helping her could make a huge difference, assuming she trusts you and isn't refusing your help.
This comes from my personal experience, but obviously it may not apply if I misunderstood your girlfriend's situation. There are plenty of ways in which a person can be messed up and I only know a few of them. Good luck...
EDIT: From what it sounds like, you can also help by being the occasional haven of sanity from her mom, although I guess you're already doing that. Maybe if you could help her get away once in a while?
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On August 28 2008 16:09 Djabanete wrote:Show nested quote +On August 28 2008 15:38 Rekrul wrote:
fwiw all girls, intelligent or not, are prone to being a 'drunk slut' in the right scenario Way to go Rek! x_x re:OP : does your girlfriend admit to being depressed (or generally having a problem), or does she have a devil-may-care attitude? If she acknowledges her depression, then it's possible that you can help her back on track just by encouraging her to take her meds and resume therapy and tennis, and by physically helping her with the process (that is, hand her the pills and the cup of water, or drive her to where she goes). In fact, that's probably all the advice I can give, not being a professional (and she obviously needs *some* kind of professional help); actually physically helping her could make a huge difference, assuming she trusts you and isn't refusing your help. This comes from my personal experience, but obviously it may not apply if I misunderstood your girlfriend's situation. There are plenty of ways in which a person can be messed up and I only know a few of them. Good luck... EDIT: From what it sounds like, you can also help by being the occasional haven of sanity from her mom, although I guess you're already doing that. Maybe if you could help her get away once in a while?
Yes she admits it.
She can't get away often, she's always grounded.
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On August 28 2008 16:16 DoctorHelvetica wrote:Show nested quote +On August 28 2008 16:09 Djabanete wrote:On August 28 2008 15:38 Rekrul wrote:
fwiw all girls, intelligent or not, are prone to being a 'drunk slut' in the right scenario Way to go Rek! x_x re:OP : does your girlfriend admit to being depressed (or generally having a problem), or does she have a devil-may-care attitude? If she acknowledges her depression, then it's possible that you can help her back on track just by encouraging her to take her meds and resume therapy and tennis, and by physically helping her with the process (that is, hand her the pills and the cup of water, or drive her to where she goes). In fact, that's probably all the advice I can give, not being a professional (and she obviously needs *some* kind of professional help); actually physically helping her could make a huge difference, assuming she trusts you and isn't refusing your help. This comes from my personal experience, but obviously it may not apply if I misunderstood your girlfriend's situation. There are plenty of ways in which a person can be messed up and I only know a few of them. Good luck... EDIT: From what it sounds like, you can also help by being the occasional haven of sanity from her mom, although I guess you're already doing that. Maybe if you could help her get away once in a while? Yes she admits it. She can't get away often, she's always grounded.
You mean her mom is keeping her prisoner? From tennis? From therapy?
o.O
I would be depressed too if I wasn't allowed out of the house. (Obviously that's not the cause, but it sure doesn't help either.)
Tell her she's not alone. Tell her she deserves to be loved and deserves to be happy (and will be one day). Try to get her back to doing tennis if you can, and try to get her to take her meds.
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oh god this 'grounded' shit is just killin ppl.. no wonder she feels depressed and lonely if she cannot socialize with ppl and have to deal with shitty family all day 
i mean seriously i have never been grounded in my childhood or teens! maybe coz here in Europe i think we dont have retarded stuff like that 
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the Protoss jokes just keep getting funnier.....................and funnier.......
.........
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Wow man, that's a tough situation. As I read your story, I find I'm looking a little at myself from some years back. Based on those experiences, my first reaction to your situation is to just run, run away from that and don't look back. Of course, that's not useful at all. What I will say is that the best thing you can do is encourage her to go to therapy and to take her medication if it's helpful, because really, though you can be wholly supportive, you're just not qualified to help someone to the extent she needs. That's not a slam against you at all, as I doubt anyone here is really qualified to deal with that.
Good luck man, because from just reading about your situation, it seems your girlfriend is going down a path that's not pretty. I fear that attempting to stem that tide by yourself would be a losing battle. Anyway, I sincerely hope things work out for the best.
Peace.
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i'm a drunk slut teeheehee
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Tough shit.
Really think that treatment would be good. Maybe she didn't like the therapist? Find another one maybe.
Don't do shit without her knowledge and consent, not if you want to keep her trust. Even if it's for her own good.
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*shudder* Sorry but I never want to be in the position you are in ever again, DoctorHelvetica.
*shudder*
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This may sound a bit crazy, but I suggest you incite her to stand up against her parents, especially her mother. That's what I did, when my girlfriend's parents were wearing her down. The situation was not as tense as yours, because my girlfriend didn't need any medication whatsoever, but the problems with her parents made her depressive as well. They would just take away all of her self-esteem by often mocking her, never trusted her about anything, grounded her and made her life difficult.
She would always tell me about it of course and then, the one day, I just plain out told her to stand up against her parents, and that's what she did. She would not do the pointless things she was told to do anymore and in general did what she wanted to. When her parents threatened to stop giving her money, I told her to simply sue them (they gave in pretty quickly). Eventually, she was able to free herself and is much happier now.
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Just be there, reasoning and 'you're problems aren't that big' are not valid ways of 'curing' depression, so don't even try, if you're not qualified, all you're going to do is make things much much worse.
Non depressed people just don't get the mindset of depressed people. Psychopharmacology, also isn't always the answer. Though if her psychiatrist decided that, just make sure to remind her to take her medication; often with depressed people, it's not that they don't want to take the drugs, it's just that their cognition doesn't allow them to remember little things like that.
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Oh man, I totally sound like your girlfriend. When I was younger I faced a lot of problems like her. It's tough, all I can say is she needs help and she needs it now.
Get her to go back to her psychiatrist, and try to get her to start taking her medication again. Even if she claims to not notice a difference. You will. (Same thing happened to me, everyone said I was much better on Prozac, but I personally didn't see a difference, and I stopped taking them. Then once again everyone said my personality changed. I'd really like to stress that I didn't notice any change. But the people close to me did.)
I stopped getting help for my problems, now I'm some Narcissistic, Avoidant, Antisocial Personality Disorder train wreck. And that's just the tip of the iceberg haha
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EPT
