EPTDecember 20th, 1991.
June 6, 1992.
Before then, it was six months apart.
Now, it’s half a globe apart.
The first game we ever played together was Raiden. I vividly remember that every time we sat in front of our computer in our little room, you would hold down the Ctrl key to fire, while I maneuver the direction arrow keys to play. It was a challenging game, yet to our childish minds back then, we thought it was one of the best games ever to be created. Maybe it was the game design of the Spaceships and bombs, or it could be us, trying to enjoy our childhood in the presence of the other. I never had the time to ask you, nor will we ever play that game again.
Our first crush, was in junior school. How foolish we were, not knowing the true capacity and meaning of love. But we both dedicated ourselves to that same girl. You would bring smiles onto her face, and I would bring flowers for her during our lunch break. It was like a silent but brotherly combat. Those lovely days just flew past the both of us, and before we knew it, young love withered away.
We were inseparable.
“Hey you dumb kids! Those are my seats!”
I would jump in front of you:
“You pick on or lift a finger on my brother, and I’ll kill you.”
“Thanks bro.” Then you would jog off to buy me McDonald’s.
“Hey kid! Why don’t you give us your lunch?”
“Oh yeah? Well, my brother’s Han, so unless you want to get hurt, I say you give me your lunch!”
Foolish brother, you and your empty threats. Just because I was the fastest runner in the school, doesn’t mean I pack the hardest punch. But every time you would proudly tell me these stories, and then you would hug me, and run off to flirt with girls. To leave me there, with a big cocky grin on my face. At that time, and even to this day, I never knew there is one person in this world who would appreciate me the way you did. Unknowingly, you encouraged me to become the best. In order to make you proud of your big brother, I worked and worked, and when I reached that great height and looked down to everyone else, I realized that I’ve left you behind.
Such little things are such significant impacts on my life. To be the best, is to endure the fear of failure. You taught me that, and you understood me the most. Geniuses, who are the best of the best, are destined to be lonely. To this day, I wish I could have cherished those moments with you, because you proved them wrong.
That moment on, I lived in constant fear. As I struggled to remain at the top, I would come home, with anguish and hatred filled in my heart, everyday. I shut myself down, and I talked less and less. Yet you understood. Without any exchange of words, you would glance at me, and when I look back, you would smile, and put a glass of Ice Tea on my desk amongst those crumpled pieces of paper filled with mathematic equations and class notes. Then you would sit yourself down on a cushion below my feet with a laptop on your lap, and accompany me through those dark nights of our childhood. I never spoke much, and occasionally sighed with frustration and tiredness. You never complained about the loneliness you went through, instead you would just sit there, with your kind and tearful eyes blinking at my distorted face, like you are crying out for me, crying for me to return, crying for me to become the brother I used to be.
So those years went past, and you were not only my brother, but my companion, my secret-keeper, my mentor. You taught me so many things in your small ways. We would walk on the dirty street during the hot summer, and you would take out your wallet, take out a five dollar bill, drop on your knees, and put it in the bowl of a hobo. Then you would smile at the nod of gratitude, and humbly walk away.
“Life is about living to your fullest, and dedicate your happiness to the people whom you care about.”
“No. Life is about becoming the best. Only when you become the best, will people admire you and look up to you. Only when you are successful, can you live a happy life.”
“I disagree. Friends and family are more important than money. If I were to fail miserably in life, if I am not rich, if I’m not successful, as long as I have friends and family, I can find happiness.”
That was the argument we always had, and it usually ended up in my abrupt silence or my storming of frustration and anger. At that time, I became angry at you, because I was selfish. Yet you never seem to mind. You would just tap me on the shoulder, and whisper: “I’m sorry.”
November 30, 2000. A stormy night at the airport signified our farewell. You didn’t shed a tear, because you knew that it would make me call you a “wuss” again. You just hugged me tightly, because you knew that your brother is on his way to a new journey without you.
“Life will be tough for you in a foreign country. But work hard, and become the best! And I hope, that one day, you will find that someone, whom you can love with your whole heart, and share your happiness with.”
That was the last thing you said to me. As I got past the end of that barrier, I looked back at your tiny figure. Tears filled my heart. 10 years of brotherhood, 10 years of companionship, and now I’m embarked on a journey without him, without the one person who understood me the most, without the one person who understood my pain, and the only person who appreciated my existence.
“Goodbye.” Was all I could manage. So many things left unsaid.
“I wasn’t planning to call you a wuss…”
*****
These memories have accompanied me for three years now.
I’m in Canada, you are in China. We are half a world away. Now that you are busy with your everyday life and me with mine, the distance between us became wider as we lost all contact with one another.
But every time I submerge into darkness, I remember your little ways:
“Life is about living to your fullest, and dedicate your happiness to the people whom you care about.”
To this day, the only person who understood my pain, the only person to accompany me through the darkest years of my life, the only person who uses the silence between us to motivate and encourage me….
His name is Conan.
