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Do not post here as long as you're not interested in sharing your honest thoughts.
Lets get started.
First of all I want to state that I have by no means a bad life. I've a really awesome family and lots of friends, a good job and I don't look too bad, at least thats what I think.
+ Show Spoiler [Picture Of Me] +
But there are still some things that bug me to no end. I'm not expecting you to judge, to help or to state what you think without providing you any information so I will give you a plain introduction about myself.
I'm Silvano B. and I'm living in Kaarst near. Cologne, Germany. I'm trainee for being an IT Specialist for Telecom. My hobbies are obviously playing Starcraft, writing on Teamliquid, listening to music, writing poems, partying and meeting with friends just to chill or to do whatever we are up to. I have four sister (all married + having kids). Well, thats about what you need to know. If you have further questions do not hesitate to ask.
Now, what currently bugs me in my life is the fact that I don't have a girlfriend which makes me thing I'm just unloveable or a faggot. I'm always the best friend of girls, but never be the man.
Actually I don't like going to clubs and dance, because I just cannot. I wish I could, but I simply don't have any feeling for rhythm. Also I seem to be unable to address a girl I don't know, because I'm so shy.
But there are some other facts about me which probably make me not able to find a girlfriend. I'm very honest. I hate lies and I always offer to help. I always offer girls just to talk without ulterior motives.
That seems to be the perfect match for being the best friend, but not the lover.
I hate guys that just want to hit on girls and quit them right after.. to be honest, that has a background and its really hard for me to talk about since it touches me deep in my heart.
When I was sixteen I had a female friend. We were very close but just friends and we both agreed to stay like that. She loved that guy... who told her if she sleeps with him probably feelings will come.
Oh well,.. as you can imagine she slept with him, because she was literally blind. He hit & quit her, just like I told her.
Okay, thats not too bad until now you think? When I was at her place she told me she's going to take a bath because she needs to relax. I had a bad feeling. Don't ask me why, I just had. I went to the bathroom to check whats up. (obviously I knocked out the door) She didn't answer so I went in. She was lying there and her wrists were cut.. I immediately called the emergency and tried to stop the bleeding, holding her tight in my arms. Unfortunately there was no hope. She smiled and press her tight against my body when she died. This is what I remember when it hits me again and I have to cry. I remember her smiling when she went to heaven, I remember her as a happy person which I loved in a friendly way. Its by no means a good thing that happened to me or her, but I think she was happy dying in my arms and not being alone.
So,.. this is the reason I hate assholes who just hit and quit girls. There are some situations I think about just hurting girls (not physically of course) like they hurt me. But then again I remember my friend died just because of an asshole of this kind.
Well, I guess if you read until here, you don't consider this post as a whiny-bitchy post but as a frustrated and sad post trying to get over the past.
Teamliquid has so many characters, so many good and clever people. I just want to share my feelings and maybe get a little bit of a cheering to get over my past.
There are also some songs that have so much emotions in them, I can actually feel the text, because it remembers me.. and I don't know if its a good or a bad feeling.. its strange.
For example Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day.. there are text parts like:
"... Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..."
Also I still love my best friend, which is so hard to me. I'd like to erase her boyfriend, but I want to see her glad. I want to be a good friend and I try my best not thinking about it too much.
+ Show Spoiler [Picture Of her (artwork)] +
I'm looking forward to read some of your comments.. Please take your time writing and thinking about what you write, because you could probably hurt me alot by saying wrong things. Please help me out  Thanks in advance....
Best Regards
Silvano
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United States22883 Posts
From my experience you just keep on keeping on. There are changes you could make to get a girlfriend, but I don't think you'd like yourself if you became that way and you might not really like the people you attract. You're just waiting for someone special to see you for what you are and realize what other people are missing.
That's not to say you should be an antisocial hermit that considers himself a victim. If you take an honest look at yourself (as honest as one can be) and like what you see, I don't think you should change. If there's things you know you should do to be a better person, then do them. But it's better to be lonely than desperate, which is what a lot of non-single people are.
It really hurts to hear about your friend.
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I'm still kind of shy when I'm around women, but I don't let it really bug me(much). Making the first move is always nerve wrecking, but it's worth the try. I've noticed that women really love someone who can be entertaining. If you can start a conversation with a woman, and have her laughing the shyness goes away(at least for me). I'm usually referred as a "dork", but that's because I'm cracking jokes over little things, so they'd laugh, and call me a dork.
I don't think your a "faggot", or anything. But, if you don't play a little bit aggressive with females, they'd always consider you a "friend" type, instead of the dude they want to fall in love with. Plus, women sense confidence(i mean they can smell that shit off you), so if you're always thinking "Man, how come I don't get girls. Blah, blah, blah." Just change your attitude about it, and you'll succeed.
Sorry about your friend.
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Naruto, the more I read your posts the more I think we're similar (except that I do not consider myself good-looking).
Don't make changes to yourself. I know you're doubting after so many situations like this (thank God I didn't have to experience this terrible thing you had to, just something similar - I condoned a girl friend of mine when her ex dumped her, and she almost committed suicide - partially her recovery can be linked to me). If you do, as Jibba said, you'll just hate yourself. I kept questioning myself too: "Why can't I enjoy dancing, clubbing? Am I not normal? Why do I hate alcohol / cigarette / drugs? Why am I always very honest, and care about girls a lot (and not just "banging" them). I kept thinking "this is all they keep saying they want from their boyfriends, but they rather stay and fight for those who are not giving this to them easily, or at all". Then why does noone love me? I would give these things easily to her. Can they not see this?
Etc.
Stop doubting yourself. I've found THE girl I was looking for who loves me for these exact things. She may be a rare breed you'd say - I agree. But so are you, and I. You'll find her. Maybe when you stop hoping that you will, maybe when you least expect it: but you will. Trust me on that
Also: my deepest condolences. Lot of shit has happened to me IRL lately, but none of it comes even relatively close to having a friend dying in your arms. Props to you for enduring.
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On April 12 2008 02:36 G.s)NarutO wrote:
Now, what currently bugs me in my life is the fact that I don't have a girlfriend which makes me thing I'm just unloveable or a faggot. I'm always the best friend of girls, but never be the man.
Actually I don't like going to clubs and dance, because I just cannot. I wish I could, but I simply don't have any feeling for rhythm. Also I seem to be unable to address a girl I don't know, because I'm so shy.
Welcome to the club :|
In this respect it's a curse to be a good listener... People like to drop their emotional baggage somewhere, but when they feel better, they move on.
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Thanks you three for your words. They really cheer me up alot. Actually like I said in the blog I posted before there seem to be really honest and really good people lurking around teamliquid. I'd like to meet them and talk to them in real life..
Naib, there's no other way than endure that.. suicide just gives your pain to others. Suicide never ends pain.
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Well first of all 99% of girls will not find you attractive as a mate if you don't change your "nice" behavior. They will love you as a friend but never romantically. This is just an evolutionary fact that women will always go for the alpha male (usually this means asshole) and nice guys like you will always finish last. While being nice is respectable to men, to girls whether consciously or subconsciously they will view you as being accomodating and needing to qualify yourself by being nice, and this means you have a lower social standing. Girls can only be attracted to leaders, not followers.
This fact has been reiterated many many times on tl.net so its up to you to realise this and change your behaviour around girls. For some insight, perhaps you may want to read this book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secret_Society_of_Pickup_Artists , it is a mostly true story of the transformation of a nice guy who got fed up and changed.
And to add, no amount of sincere declarations of love will impress a girl that you like (but who does not like you back), it will only lower your romantic position more. The best way to get "that girl" is to date other girls. This will give you social proof and show to her that you are a desirable man.
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On April 12 2008 03:24 gusbear wrote:Well first of all 99% of girls will not find you attractive as a mate if you don't change your "nice" behavior. They will love you as a friend but never romantically. This is just an evolutionary fact that women will always go for the alpha male (usually this means asshole) and nice guys like you will always finish last. While being nice is respectable to men, to girls whether consciously or subconsciously they will view you as being accomodating and needing to qualify yourself by being nice, and this means you have a lower social standing. Girls can only be attracted to leaders, not followers. This fact has been reiterated many many times on tl.net so its up to you to realise this and change your behaviour around girls. For some insight, perhaps you may want to read this book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secret_Society_of_Pickup_Artists , it is a mostly true story of the transformation of a nice guy who got fed up and changed. And to add, no amount of sincere declarations of love will impress a girl that you like, it will only lower your romantic position more. The best way to get a girl that you like is to date other girls. This will give you social proof and show to her that you are a desirable man.
Concerning your book guess I think that there's no guide to how pick up girls. Of course I want a girl and want to be happy, but I could never live with the fact a girl would commit suicide because she loved me and I played with her.
Before that happens I choose to stay alone forever.
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You need to have a different attitude when it comes to how you see YOURSELF in reference to women. Personally, I think this is the problem with most "nice guys." For some reason they don't seem to approach women the way they should - that is, as a means to an end (be that end: a quick fuck or someone to live a long, happy life with).
I know a guy who has this kind of problem. His interactions with women revolve around "listening" and "talking" and "feeling," and a bunch of other emotional baggage that has its time and place, but that time and place is not when you are trying to attract a woman. This guy always gets locked into the "friend zone" and doesn't understand why, but every time I see him with a woman they're involved in some "deep" conversation, which is not conducive to seduction. To the women, they see that he's either trying too hard or he's just too sensitive, both of which are big turn offs.
I can't say for sure what your "problem" is (though first and foremost, it's that your frame of mind - the way you see yourself - is totally wrong. If you see yourself this way, women will see you this way and you definitely will never get a girlfriend. Women don't want a man who is not confident!) without ever having met you, but I think maybe it's the "nice guy" attitude, which isn't a bad thing, but who likes everything sugar and no spice?
Last, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That story really touched me. 
p.s! I am coming to Germany next Tuesday to visit my fiance. I'll be in Bremen for the first week, then Berlin, then Cottbus (where her family is from) for a grille and then back to Bremen (and hopefully to the Frisian islands, if the weather gets better!).
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Concerning your book guess I think that there's no guide to how pick up girls. Of course I want a girl and want to be happy, but I could never live with the fact a girl would commit suicide because she loved me and I played with her.
Before that happens I choose to stay alone forever.
I was originally mis-led by the title of the book as well. Rest assured that it is not a book about how to pick up girls, it is more about life and how the guy works hard in learning how to make himself attractive to girls so that he can find a girl and be happy. I highly recommend you give it a try at least good luck
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Agree with gusbear. That book (and my later escapades into the "seduction community") changed how I saw women, myself, other people, and my life actually.
Maybe that is a little much, but it's true.
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I'll give it a try I guess. Still I hope my english skills are enough to get through this book and actually understand it.
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First off, my sincerest condolences about your friend. That's really really awful, sorry to hear about that. I'm not sure how you'd even begin to go back to a regular life after something like that.
On to your acquiring a girlfriend problem. Everything you're saying sounds really familiar as evidenced by the droves of people here relating to it. I was certainly in your shoes with regards to the girlfriend thing awhile back. Oddly enough, I found a girlfriend (or rather she found me) when I stopped caring about finding a girlfriend and didn't actively think about it anymore. I told myself that girls caused me way too much undue pain and frustration so I just gave up on pursuing romantic relationships entirely. Afterwards, I indulged myself in other things and went about my business of hanging out with friends, playing video games, and generally having fun. Fast forward through 2 years of college and oddly enough I oddly enough grew a good amount of confidence. Add to that the fact that the pressure was off. When you are talking to a girl just like you would anyone else, no seduction or thoughts of relationships on the mind, there really is a lot less pressure and that translates to just being smoother on your feet. Unlike my high school self, I was pretty damn happy with myself. I think this was the real key.
My girlfriend dragged me to see the movie Enchanted (don't ask, Disney chick flick) and there was one dialog that I find quite relevant. I won't bother you with the details but Guy A is a "friend but never the lover" and Guy B is the valiant prince.
Guy A: Do you... like yourself?
Guy B: What's not to like?
If you honestly can't see yourself in Guy B's shoes, you're at a disadvantage. You have to like yourself, no girl likes a guy with self loathing issues and that isn't reeking of confidence. A touch of arrogance can help sometimes, depending on the girl. That can be a turn off for some though. I've only ever been with one girl so I can't tell you for sure that this is a surefire way to get a girl. But my experience has been that if you like yourself enough that you don't doubt your looks or charms and don't think so much about actively looking for a girl then you'll get the right one or she'll find you.
That as your core, other bonuses are things like being spontaneous and decisive. As my confidence grew, I was more comfortable doing things on a whim that I might have been too embarrassed to do in the past. If I feel like just putting on random hats in a store, I do it. If I feel like randomly climbing stuff in the mall, I do it. Not for everyone, but girls seem to like spontaneous and it can be a liberating experience if you've never let yourself act on a whim before.
Decisiveness is another nice bonus. Ask a girl "So what would you like to do for dinner?" and if she says "I don't know" you should have a place in mind. Perhaps you won't even ask, just say "I'm going to ______, want to come?" Being straight forward and decisive breeds and air of confidence. Constantly asking girls what they think makes you look sensitive and such (which is good too) but if you overdo it you are relegating yourself to the friend position. Take charge now and then.
No romance guru here, but this is what worked for me and are the conclusions I've drawn with 4-5 years of experience on you. I'm 23, closing in on 24 and I've been with my gf happily for coming up on 4 years.
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On April 12 2008 04:04 Phyre wrote:+ Show Spoiler +First off, my sincerest condolences about your friend. That's really really awful, sorry to hear about that. I'm not sure how you'd even begin to go back to a regular life after something like that.
On to your acquiring a girlfriend problem. Everything you're saying sounds really familiar as evidenced by the droves of people here relating to it. I was certainly in your shoes with regards to the girlfriend thing awhile back. Oddly enough, I found a girlfriend (or rather she found me) when I stopped caring about finding a girlfriend and didn't actively think about it anymore. I told myself that girls caused me way too much undue pain and frustration so I just gave up on pursuing romantic relationships entirely. Afterwards, I indulged myself in other things and went about my business of hanging out with friends, playing video games, and generally having fun. Fast forward through 2 years of college and oddly enough I oddly enough grew a good amount of confidence. Add to that the fact that the pressure was off. When you are talking to a girl just like you would anyone else, no seduction or thoughts of relationships on the mind, there really is a lot less pressure and that translates to just being smoother on your feet. Unlike my high school self, I was pretty damn happy with myself. I think this was the real key.
My girlfriend dragged me to see the movie Enchanted (don't ask, Disney chick flick) and there was one dialog that I find quite relevant. I won't bother you with the details but Guy A is a "friend but never the lover" and Guy B is the valiant prince.
Guy A: Do you... like yourself?
Guy B: What's not to like?
If you honestly can't see yourself in Guy B's shoes, you're at a disadvantage. You have to like yourself, no girl likes a guy with self loathing issues and that isn't reeking of confidence. A touch of arrogance can help sometimes, depending on the girl. That can be a turn off for some though. I've only ever been with one girl so I can't tell you for sure that this is a surefire way to get a girl. But my experience has been that if you like yourself enough that you don't doubt your looks or charms and don't think so much about actively looking for a girl then you'll get the right one or she'll find you.
That as your core, other bonuses are things like being spontaneous and decisive. As my confidence grew, I was more comfortable doing things on a whim that I might have been too embarrassed to do in the past. If I feel like just putting on random hats in a store, I do it. If I feel like randomly climbing stuff in the mall, I do it. Not for everyone, but girls seem to like spontaneous and it can be a liberating experience if you've never let yourself act on a whim before.
Decisiveness is another nice bonus. Ask a girl "So what would you like to do for dinner?" and if she says "I don't know" you should have a place in mind. Perhaps you won't even ask, just say "I'm going to ______, want to come?" Being straight forward and decisive breeds and air of confidence. Constantly asking girls what they think makes you look sensitive and such (which is good too) but if you overdo it you are relegating yourself to the friend position. Take charge now and then.
No romance guru here, but this is what worked for me and are the conclusions I've drawn with 4-5 years of experience on you. I'm 23, closing in on 24 and I've been with my gf happily for coming up on 4 years.
Awesome post. I really enjoyed reading it and I think I get what you / others in the thread are saying. How can a girl like or fall in love with me if even I don't like me. How could a girl think she's safe with me when I'm not even sure about what I want.
You guys are a great help not just because you're right in what you say, no, you are great because you put some effort in what you actually are writing which is rare these times.
A simple thanks just isn't enough here.
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On April 12 2008 03:40 G.s)NarutO wrote:
I'll give it a try I guess. Still I hope my english skills are enough to get through this book and actually understand it.
I read that book last year, it's pretty easy to understand. And judging from the English you speak, you won't have a problem :p
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Hey again Silvano,
I just wanted to chime in to say that the book that was recommended, The Game by Neil Strauss, I've read it and I have a totally different perspective on it. Its not hard to read at all, and judging from your English in your posts you should be able to comprehend it easily.
The thing is, 100% of TLnet readers who talk about The Game always say positive things, like it ' opened up a new world ' of basic aspects of sociology and it ' changed their life '
I think its either a load of bs, the people were shallow to begin with, or they really just needed basic pointers. I read that book as more of a tragedy than a book that could teach me things about girls. He does transform from a shitty guy in regards to women to being able to pick up ' almost any ' woman, but if you read between the lines you can see he's only doing it to get respect from his fellow ' pick up ' artists. From what I can tell, you aren't like that and you definitely wouldn't enjoy that aspect of this book. The main reason I consider it a tragedy though is because of all the useless drugs and dumb bitches he hooks up with, and although the end is happy I believe he could've got there without all the money he *wasted* including dumb bitches drinks, housing, him moving to a different city etc.
Anyway, just my view, I say its still a good read but for someone like you it's more like a what-you-shouldn't-do to become better at picking up women.
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I actually didn't mention that, but I had major confidence issues (I still do - really, these recent events I was referring to taken their toll up to my very core), and even though I was aware of it, I couldn't look objectively on my failed relationships / dates and found other "various reasons" for the failure that were true - but they were merely also a result of lacking self-confidence, and some family problems! And it was until very recently (a small bit before I ended up in this relationship I currently am, which I'm VERY-VERY happy with) that I realized this, and tried to see things from another angle. Interesting, as I was reading through Phyre's post it occured to me - I also stopped trying! I became a lot more laid-back, picked up SC again, generally enjoyed myself and hanging out mostly with a long-time friend (swimming, jogging, video games, movies you name it) - and then, like a miracle - these "recent bad events" started to hit me (this was last summer) and the very same moment - this precious girl finds me.
As soon as I met her I told myself - be laid-back but still sensitive, show yourself as you are, don't try taking up an image what you aren't (I value trust and truth above anything), and BAM. It worked. From our first date on, we are very happy together.
I strongly advise you against those posts that try to act in a way you aren't - you can avoid this friend trap while maintaining your true self if you find the girl that deserves you. That's the key. If one relationship fails, don't be discouraged - it wasn't you that was not good enough, it was her. After all, you're a rare gem in today's society, few people think this way like you do. You also need a rare gem to fit together, not a piece of unpolished coal
As I already said, that breed is rare, but it exists. I did it, we found each other. You will succeed, too.
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On April 12 2008 04:47 Ack1027 wrote:
Anyway, just my view, I say its still a good read but for someone like you it's more like a what-you-shouldn't-do to become better at picking up women.
Sorry to quote this out of context, and I haven't read the book either. But these are just my exact thoughts - as I said, you seem to be a LOT like me, and I know this is a bad way to go for guys like us. I'm not trashing this way - I'm pretty sure it works awesome for many people and they not only get a lot of girls banged, but they find the One they're looking for, too. Good, but we are not like that.
But hey, what do I know for sure? I'm just saying what I feel and think, honestly - as you requested - since that's the #1. Trust, Truth, Honesty.
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On April 12 2008 04:47 Ack1027 wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Hey again Silvano,
I just wanted to chime in to say that the book that was recommended, The Game by Neil Strauss, I've read it and I have a totally different perspective on it. Its not hard to read at all, and judging from your English in your posts you should be able to comprehend it easily.
The thing is, 100% of TLnet readers who talk about The Game always say positive things, like it ' opened up a new world ' of basic aspects of sociology and it ' changed their life '
I think its either a load of bs, the people were shallow to begin with, or they really just needed basic pointers. I read that book as more of a tragedy than a book that could teach me things about girls. He does transform from a shitty guy in regards to women to being able to pick up ' almost any ' woman, but if you read between the lines you can see he's only doing it to get respect from his fellow ' pick up ' artists. From what I can tell, you aren't like that and you definitely wouldn't enjoy that aspect of this book. The main reason I consider it a tragedy though is because of all the useless drugs and dumb bitches he hooks up with, and although the end is happy I believe he could've got there without all the money he *wasted* including dumb bitches drinks, housing, him moving to a different city etc.
Anyway, just my view, I say its still a good read but for someone like you it's more like a what-you-shouldn't-do to become better at picking up women.
Hm I kinda thought the same when I read the book. At least it can work as an example of what can "achieve" when you start working on yourself. And to work on yourself, however, you need to be aware of who you are, and what you want.
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United States22883 Posts
On April 12 2008 03:24 gusbear wrote:
Well first of all 99% of girls will not find you attractive as a mate if you don't change your "nice" behavior. They will love you as a friend but never romantically. This is just an evolutionary fact that women will always go for the alpha male (usually this means asshole) and nice guys like you will always finish last.
In my personal, completely uneducated opinion it's probably true that most girls are looking for an alpha male, but keep in mind he's not looking to attract 99% of girls. He's looking to find 1 right girl and that can happen any time and place. There are things you can do to give yourself more opportunities, such as being funny, but I think it'd be a mistake for him to conform himself to "the game" just to meet people. You can be confident and assertive with yourself, without becoming an asshole to other people. That's exactly what the idiots he hates do.
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