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So Im realy drunk now and I feel like writing some shit.
NBtw I'm not gona edit anyt´hing I write now cuz I simply wanna share some shit with whomebver it concerrns
So I was out tonight at a freinds place and it was me and my friend and antoher male friend and a gurl. We were hgaving a god time and listening to music and just yeah...whatever ppl do whe they have a god time
so anywyas, I dont think anyone knows me here u´nless u reads my past blogs cuz I have like touretes syndrome, u know tics ans hit but u wouldn't tell if u met me cuza I can supress them quite well so my condition is mild but it hurts man.. it hurts having to conceil these stupid biodilyu movements until no one sees them so I got rly´ drunk tonight and walked home and the other guys were going to a cluba. The times I walkd away from a club earlier is like 5 times tops, anywho I went home obviosuly since I¨'m writing this
And on the way home I sniffed and tic*d with my face an shit cuz I thought no none was looking and in the shadows there were 2 girls coming in my direction I notireced when they were lik erly close and they have notiecd me acting like a reatard and I got sad....and I thoughth Im a fucking stupid person
anwyasy
so I have been on antri-depressive medication since I was 20, 28 now although I jhave been trying to cut down all the ti,me and like the past 4 years I've been eating doses that aren't "therapeuytic" like the doctor said.
fck doctors they tell me that shits good
so I feel all werid now coming off the drygs ( since 3 weeks bakc), like I'm a new person, Jens v 2.0 not improved but wosrse.
If frieds hjoke randomly abou t me like everyone does I take it rlyt personally like I neverd did before. I get paranoid thiknihg everyone is out to get me an shit
I dojn¨'t feel like myself. I'ts hard to desrcibe I feel so vulnerable and stupif an d ugly but I rly wana get off theswe fukcing drugs cuz they jusy make you numb as fuck. (fuk u zoloft, paxil, citalopram, efexor)
Societal (is tat a word?) control anyone?
IO know I sound like a rambling madmanb but that's kind iof the point, i wanna be authentic.´E´veryone always edit their posts on the net and try to sound all cool an d all knowing and this is a rsponse to that
I'm being myself now, typiong like a retard and being drunk
I think the internet is alienating us from each other. I studfy sociology as well and i'ts rather a fact that we are more alone than ever in this age and time and it saddesn me...
Im gona have a smoke now. ..brb
take tjhis blog for what its worhht, rambliong but its probably more true to what I am tha n anything and teh same goes for u guys
I only wish my tics would leasve me alone....I didnt chose to fuk´kin be born this way god help me...
This is an attempt to be real on the fuckin net which is full of phonies.
I'm brave, wordd
 
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Valhalla18444 Posts
fuck the haters, jens
do your shit your style 24/7
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I don't really know how to respond to this. I just hope you'll cheer up soon :/
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I admire your courage to write it all out, you don't have to feel like a "fucking stupid person". You are not. You got to start believing in yourself and others will join you. And I also admire the fact that you want to stay off the medicine, it costs really high willpower to do so.
Although it is the internet I can feel your genuinitity and your sadness. I know I could say all that "cheer up, everything will be ok" stuff, but unless you start believing in that and yourself, it won't help. Don't be afraid to tell your friends that you don't like it when they randomly joke about you. They're probably doing it because they think you're cool with that. There's no shame in not being cool with it. And fuck what 2 random girls on the street are thinking about you, it's not your fault that you have those "tics". Basically, you shouldn't so much care about what random ppl think about you. You gotta be stronger than that. Your true friends and family will hold you dear enough to not have to worry about random people. It's true that in these times it seems like we're alone, because the internet and basically the whole enviroment seems like it alienates us one to another, but are we really alone? I don't know you, no, I'm sorry for that so I'm gonna have to take me as an example here. Because you were personal and opened yourself up, I'm going to return the favor.
Let's all be real.
You see, my parents have passed away when I was 16 (mother) and I was 18 (father) both to cancer, brain and lung (I'm almost 23 now). I felt like I was all alone, abandoned by life, abandoned by everything. I terribly miss them, even to this very day. So I was feeling alone, but was I really alone? Not entirely. I still have my brother, who's happily married to my wonderful sister-in-law who is like a real sister to me. And they both have the cutest baby in the world, my one and only niece whom I love so much that I can't put it in words. I also still have lots of uncles and aunts whom I all love. Yes, I miss my parents, but I'm a believer, I honestly believe they're in a better place. I can't weep everyday and make my life a misery being all depressed because it won't matter, it is not like it's going to bring them back. I should "cheer up, because eventually this is life and everything is going to be better someday". There's always something to cheer up for.
Point is: don't let that depression get to you, life can be unfair and it certainly was in our cases, but we got to be stronger than that. Life is struggle sometimes and we must fight. I bet everyone on this forum has had a point where he said "Life is unfair!", each and everyone with their subjective own problems. Because that is how life is. After the rain, there'll always be sunshine.
Wow, I dunno why I got all emo here, but I feel better while typing this. Venting is also a good form of getting rid of terrible feelings once in a while. Hope I didn't bore you to death.
I'm brave, wordd. Cheers.
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I was on paxil for about a year when I first started dealing with my own stuff. Paxil isn't easy to quit... though it is easier to stop than cigarettes. It helped reduce the anxiety and depression, but it also made me feel like another person. Like my feelings didn't belong to me, I was just borrowing them. So I think I have some understanding of how you feel about it.
Best of luck in the future. For what's its worth, I'm sure you're just as good at being you when you're ticcing as when you're concealing the tics. Who cares what strangers think? People that know you won't care about a twitch here and there.
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Damn that's harsh. To be honest, the first thought that sprung to my mind when I saw the drunk-spelling was "what the fuck, this is bullshit". But as I read on I realized you actually got a point, it's real, no bullshit.
Insecurity is a bitch. Most of us deal with it, but we're lucky enough not to suffer from any sort of tics. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have to endure just because of being unlucky, born diffrent.
Not feeling like yourself because you're off the medication is pretty natural, but I mean, weren't you yourself before you started the medication? This is you from the beginning, it's just that you've been taking those meds for so long that you seem to have forgotten.
Stay strong and stay real, what the fuck does 2 random girls in the street mean? Persons worth befriending are those who give a rats ass about twitches in your face, and care for you as a person. So fuck em.
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Who cares what others think, if they judge you based on some condition you can only partially control, then fuck them. You're hot and everyone knows ;D Go classic European handomeness.
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The next time someone who's over weight, or smokes, bitches about their problem I'll punch them in the face for you.
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lol doesnt your tourrets or *tics* interfere with your sc playing?
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From my talks with you, you are a swell person Jens, and you seem to always be sincere in what you say, even when you aren't drunk (and not drunk is truly preferable, heh heh.)
About your tics: I think you might feel better if you stopped trying to hide it and were just open about it. I REALLY think no one is going to look down on you for it. It's all in how YOU present it. If you present it like a sad condition to be ashamed of, people will pity you and feel weird about it. If you hide it and people happen to notice it, they will feel awkward. But if you treat it like it's as normal as drinking a glass of water or putting on your shoes, then no one is going to care. Seriously, I've known people with facial ticks and I liked them and didn't think it was off putting or anything.
The problem is mostly in your head. I think you are imagining it to be worse than it really is. Worst case scenario: someone thinks less of you for having tics - FUCK THEM! They aren't worth your time or your respect.
As to the anti-depressants, I think you just gotta ride the wave, dude! One day at a time!
I'm sending you positive vibes.
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Jens, remember Hatnada baby, Hatnada ;D
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drugs aren't meant to heal or cure. it's all about selling them and making money. try acupuncture and herbs. they're all natural, and will give you real results. plus acu just feels so damn good. better than drugs. (actually i don't like drugs at all. =/)
you surprisingly made a lot of sense and were cohenrent, for a drunken ramble. thanks for sharing. as i was reading it, i thought i should be more real as well. sometimes you don't have anyone around to lean on and in turn be one to offer the shoulder too. you start getting used to keeping things inside, conforming to all sorts of mores and social standards. Theres a lot of superficial, backstabbing shit in this world. Goodness and truth just gets cacooned inside you. i don't have lots of solutions or answers, but im seeking, as we all are. but i like how NA.Inky put it, "im sending you positive vibes." =D
one truth that i HAVE found, though, is drugs really don't help. go with natural therapies. gl to ya.
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now I'm just ashamed lol...........
thanks alot for the replies! I won't edit it since I felt exactly how I wrote last night and partially still do
I guess maybe I should care less what people think
It's just alot of shit right now, I wonder how my brain is feeling upstairs with having been fed a soup of various chemicals and then suddenly not getting any more
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I'm sorry for your losses Avius, that must have been so hard.... but yeah in the end it's all about not giving up and keeping your chin up cuz there are always ups and downs in life.
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On February 07 2008 09:58 Tadzio00 wrote:
I was on paxil for about a year when I first started dealing with my own stuff. Paxil isn't easy to quit... though it is easier to stop than cigarettes. It helped reduce the anxiety and depression, but it also made me feel like another person. Like my feelings didn't belong to me, I was just borrowing them. So I think I have some understanding of how you feel about it.
Yeah Paxil is the toughest of all anti-depressants to quit...there has been so much controversy about that drug and a recent court verdict in tthe states gave everyone who has suffered from it dollars
You really nailed it there, it really feels like borrowing someones emotions, like stepping into someone elses shoes, a superhero or somthing. I really felt strong and shit on the medication and I didn't take anything to heart and I was care-free but still you feel so numbed out and like you're fooling yourself.
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On February 07 2008 14:07 mousey.rr wrote:
lol doesnt your tourrets or *tics* interfere with your sc playing?
well, my tics are mild/easy to camouflage though and take different forms. Usually it's just like coughing and sniffing and like straining my neck.
Coughing can be someone who is getting a cold so people don't think about it.
I don't think people notice since even my friends say they haven't noticed...but it's because I can hide them of course.
But yeah sometimes it can interfere with BW, sometimes I "need" to twitch some finger and shit and it takes my mind off the game and sometimes I check my mouse-mat and keyboard so that they are aligned with the table and smoe OCD shit like that
But usally BW actually works well for me because most of the times I just forgot myself, ya know? I'm so into the game and the tics are all gone and I'm 100% focused, something which is very hard for me otherwise, since the tics demand attention all the time.
And it feels so good!
Like I'm in the "flow", when yuo forget about yourself and are totally dedicated to what you're doing with all your senses and you get intense feelings of joy, not that I become overly happy everytime I play BW though lol
It's like if I drink coffee or other stimulants like sugar I get more tics. Also if I excersice it usually gets worse.
I don't remember having any tics between 17-23 though so I have no idea why they are coming back to fuck with me
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8-D
I think the internet is alienating us from each other. I studfy sociology as well and i'ts rather a fact that we are more alone than ever in this age and time and it saddesn me...
not fault of the "internet" but of ur attitude, social behaviour, interaction with friends and stuff. if ur an outgoing person, have lots of friend and meet them regular, if u dont let the "internet" restrict ur social contacts and ur social interaction it does not make u alone or harm u in any way.
its a personal (attitude-like) thingy, some kind of moral courage if ur alone, not fault of the internet.
lol.
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On February 07 2008 14:12 nA.Inky wrote:
The problem is mostly in your head. I think you are imagining it to be worse than it really is. Worst case scenario: someone thinks less of you for having tics - FUCK THEM! They aren't worth your time or your respect.
As to the anti-depressants, I think you just gotta ride the wave, dude! One day at a time!
I'm sending you positive vibes.
Yeah you might be right, I mean it's easy to make problems bigger in your head. Then again it's impossible for me to know since I only have my subjective view of the world like everyone else.
True that, I will keep that in mind!
Yeah I guess...one day at a time n shit
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On February 07 2008 20:50 HiTexas wrote:8-D Show nested quote +I think the internet is alienating us from each other. I studfy sociology as well and i'ts rather a fact that we are more alone than ever in this age and time and it saddesn me... not fault of the "internet" but of ur attitude, social behaviour, interaction with friends and stuff. if ur an outgoing person, have lots of friend and meet them regular, if u dont let the "internet" restrict ur social contacts and ur social interaction it does not make u alone or harm u in any way. its a personal (attitude-like) thingy, some kind of moral courage if ur alone, not fault of the internet. lol.
You're wrong. The internet and our "new" technology is in fact alienating us more than ever before, that's a fact
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the internet / new technology changed our way of communication and social interaction, saying its alienating us might be correct in some cases but its not universally valid.
new technology / internet introduced new ways of social interaction based on the technical evolution that happened the past decades;
(mobile) phones, chat programs and stuff made communications less personal but it does not make us more alone than before.
stop using the computer/tv/etc 6 hours every day and you'll realize its not the technology alienating us but ur attitude, moral courage and stuff. stop blaming the technology for ur lonelyness because thats pure bs. endogenous factors r responsible for ur lonelyness, technology might strengthen this.
get off ur emo-trip already
that tourette-thingy is bad and i feel sorry for u but ur ranting is way too much and overshooting the mark.
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HiTexas I'm not speaking on a personal level but how our society is developing with the new technology we have
I can't see how you don't understand that cellphones, chat etc makes people meet less irl?
Man lay off the attitude, you are always insulting me in my blogs and I'm not on any "emo-trip"
I guess having a hard time now and then is not ok for some people
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I believe that the internet may have made the world a smaller place and raised the level of communication, but it also locked us up indoors and has limited the amount of time we spent communicating face-to-face. How much more often do you speak to people online or via phone than in person, looking them in the eye and sharing honest ideas? Yea...
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did not want to insult u jens
sorry for my words
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On February 07 2008 08:39 JensOfSweden wrote:
and this is a rsponse to that
I'm being myself now, typiong like a retard and being drunk
I think the internet is alienating us from each other. I studfy sociology as well and i'ts rather a fact that we are more alone than ever in this age and time and it saddesn me...
So true, this post was rlly good, makes u remember that the ppl on the other end are actually people, not just cybernetic entities. The crazy part about the internet is that you can say whatever you want, it becomes a surreal atmosphere, and you can take as much time to perfect your thoughts its not like talking to a real person when you read posts on a forum. It takes out the human aspect of being human, and just leaves the mechanical aspect. I can't wait to get drunk tonight
edit: from now on i'm not editting my posts!
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I thought you come off as a pretty confident dude (who can be a dick at times o.O)
You should know better than to care what to randoms stuck up girls think
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Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking when I wrote it
I think people often think that the other guys they talk to on the net aren't actually real. I mean they "understand" that the other people exist irl but it doesn't really sink in on a deeper level.
That's why you see people for example sometimes go "rofl gg life" when someone makes a post about something terrible that has happened.
Forums should definately be made more alive and "real", but I have no idea how. It's too "easy" to sit and polish your thoughts on a forum until you come across like a genius.
This isn't real interaction, well the words are there but no emotion nor facial expressions, sound of the voice etc
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On February 09 2008 03:32 Hawk wrote:
I thought you come off as a pretty confident dude (who can be a dick at times o.O)
You should know better than to care what to randoms stuck up girls think
Well it's probably me quitting my medicine, cuz the withdrawal fucks with your head alot
I'm not "normally" like this
Yeah, I know...
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so it's manageable without the medicine, besides when you have stimulants?
but yeah, everyone goes thru there swings. some nights at a bar, i can get turned down by 5 girls in a row, laugh it off and pick up another.
other nights, something like what happened to u and id be like wtffff depression drinking.
wouldnt worry bout it homie.
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Yeah I know it strikes randomly
Manageable I dunno, I guess it's a matter of definition
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Maybe new communications technologies are bringing us into contact with more people we don't like (different people are less likely to like each other, and people who are far away are more likely to be different... but on the internet, location doesn't change who you meet much). So we end up thinking "internet -> higher % of people i know are shit, so it's alienating us from each other." Maybe.
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EPT
