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My brother wrote his essay and i assumed the brains of teamliquid can help critique it because there isn't anything left i can help him with besides the obvious grammar errors. So besides that is there any other advice?
the prompt is : write about a meaningful event,experience, or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience on your contribution to campus community. The ending is kind of strong but I like it.
A doctor opens up a body and sees manufactured organs, a scientist dissects DNA and sees inherited genes, a psychologist analyzes a person and sees a constructed psyche. We are the product of our parent's and like statues, we're decided by the blind hands of our sculptor. My dad wasn't around so the best product my mom could make was of plaster that inevitably corroded with the years, but I don't blame my parents; they made it easier to break out of their skin.
The day I met my dad doesn't stand out as a remarkable. The details are fuzzy like a soap opera on a static t.v; the lack of clarity deafens the drama. It was hard to take this biological stranger seriously behind the corny lines and cheap dialogue, and it wasn't until the 3rd or 4th time when my dad was just too drunk to care before I really met my father. My mother rushed me off to his work, throwing me out of the car and already my father and I had something in common besides blue eyes. As I walked into his shop, I was fascinated with the metal instruments and complex looking devices not for their valuable purpose, but because my dad must have been intelligent. He stood there, alcohol lingering like a cologne, scrutinizing me, mentally claiming the parts that probably took him 30 seconds to make. We went to lunch, without having said more than a hello yet. When he did talk, I pitied the incongruous hurt on his impervious face, his realization of my indifference, and the stagnant words that refused to say what he felt. I understood with a look. It was nothing special like in movies, only the clarity of a man's guilt and his son's forgiveness. He, like all people, is fallible, and seeing him bare his culpability affected how I saw him and myself. My father didn't need to know me, he hadn't known me my whole life. Already defeated, he faced me like a brave man and I admired him for it. The most important things he told me were not to succumb to cowardice or I'd end up like him, live life because you only get one, and most importantly wear protection!
My parents have never had any expectations of me about college or making something of myself. I'm abandoning their paradigm; it takes me nowhere, and I'm too stubborn, too proud to be less than great. College is my own volition. I learned from meeting my father that you must take life before it defeats you. I want more in life than what my parent's had. I want to suck the marrow of this college to make something great of myself. I'm not the product of my parents or the sum of their experience; when I had every reason to stay down I picked myself up. I will succeed not just because of my ability, but because nobody will stop me.
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United States4991 Posts
I hate writing things like this personally, so I'm probably not a particularly good person to evaluate it. Actually, the main reason I'm posting is to say that it should be parents, not parent's (and this mistake happens twice actually!).
Also this stuff is not necessarily in the order it appears in the essay itself.
And yes I realize your brother wrote that, but I used the word you a bunch anyway, so imagine you are your brother or some shit.
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First of all, is this saying that his dad sucks in bed? (mentally claiming the parts that probably took him 30 seconds to make = he came in 30 seconds? That's how I'm reading it, at least)
affected how I saw him and myself
I want to suck the marrow of this college
All I can say to this is: "what the fuck?"
sum of their experience
sum of their experiences sounds better to me since they have had extremely different experiences by the sounds of it.
I'm not the product of my parents or the sum of their experience;
Ok, so you're not that--what are you then? In the first paragraph you were "plaster that inevitably corroded with the years", but I take it you are rejecting this here.
It was hard to take this biological stranger seriously behind the corny lines and cheap dialogue, and it wasn't until the 3rd or 4th time when my dad was just too drunk to care before I really met my father.
I'm a little unclear about the chronology here. You are talking about the day you met your dad, yet this is the 3rd or 4th time when you have met him? Or what? So when meeting, are you speaking of meeting with his guilt = the true meeting = only when he was drunk would he admit his guilt?
Also the whole tone of the piece with the similes seems kind of pretentiously over the top to me. Simple writing to convey the point is best in my opinion; adding flowery language wastes words without achieving anything except making you look like a pretentious twat ;D ;D
Which is perhaps what admissions want by the way, so don't take this as me saying they don't want this sort of writing. I just know most professors (who are different from admissions!) for which I have done actual writing for did not care for overly flowery writing, but rather writing which got the job done.
Edit: though I know fuck all about writing these since one place I applied to only cared about the interview, and the other I was a shoo-in numerically, so my essay was some half-assed thing which I wrote in an afternoon.
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United States4991 Posts
Actually reading this again I don't know what the fuck is going on. He's drunk when you met him, and it seems like you're going to work for the first time since you haven't seen these oh so fascinating devices before. Have you met him previously or not? Your description really makes it sound like no, so I'm not clear what the 3rd/4th means.
The part that's trippy for making it the 3rd or 4th time you meet him there is that he's mentally claiming the parts of you, and why would he not have done that before? Plus if it is the 3rd or 4th time, wtf happened previous times?
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i agree with most of what you have to say but pretentious isnt something i would call it having already read and helped some others. in fact i did my best to have him take out words that removed from the actual content.
about meeting his dad i guess he's trying to say that it wasn't something that particularly sticks out in his head when he met his dad and to make it sound more realistic that it took his dad a few more time before he learned about him, i'm assuming he is just trying to convey that the first time he met him wasn't that great. he goes on to say it wasn't special like in the movies.
you think he should remove the similes? I thought smothering them with a large vocabulary which most college bound seniors have shoul dbe avoided and maybe using catchy, yet potentially corny similes would be more effective. It does read like a story more than a college essay, and i can see it hurting it , but i personally enjoyed that about it; in my eyes it doens't stand as some life changing bromide that every college bound senior has experienced. I appreciate your advice and have him fix those things
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I read the first couple of sentences and I learned absolutely nothing about you. 
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Calgary25980 Posts
I don't like the tone at all, specifically the last paragraph.
it takes me nowhere, and I'm too stubborn, too proud to be less than great
I guess this can be taken different ways, but I take it to be one of the thousands of kids going into university who feel they are better than everyone else. It's particularly out of place, because the middle paragraphs are dealing with specific traits the authour doesn't like about his father. So the last paragraph should play off of that and say how he's going to be different than his father.
Rather, you get the father who isn't a family man, can't talk to his son, is a drunk. Okay, so instead of that I'm going to be great. What the hell? It doesn't follow properly. Ironically, he is talking poorly of his mother, illustrating the same traits he just finished saying he resented his father for.
Also I agree with what Insane wrote - the majority of the backstory is lost, leaving me often confused at to what the hell is going on. Where does he work that he's showing up drunk before lunk to meet his son, whom he's only met 3 times before? I'm so confused.
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yes the middle is unclear but i think after that people are missing his point. idk he explained it to me but you're right he wouldnt be able to explain what he was trying to say to the college. thanks for the help
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I agree with everyone else. I don't know anything about him having read this essay. The last paragraph does not come off well either. It just sounds pretentious to me for some reason.
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United States4991 Posts
On November 02 2007 00:35 dancefayedance!~ wrote:
yes the middle is unclear but i think after that people are missing his point. idk he explained it to me but you're right he wouldnt be able to explain what he was trying to say to the college. thanks for the help
The essay should stand by itself though, it should not need to be explained separately 
The vocabulary reads like someone grabbed a thesaurus / threw in a bunch of similes :D
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Korea (South)11579 Posts
On November 01 2007 22:54 Equinox_kr wrote:I read the first couple of sentences and I learned absolutely nothing about you.
That's my impression of it too. It just said that we are the offspring of our parents. Whoopdey Doo, we all are. What he should have said was how different from his parents he truly is contrary to popular belief. How his surroundings and experiences has made him who he is, and he is not just what his parents created.
The colleges want to know who he is, what differentiates him from everyone else, why they should choose him over someone else.
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Your opening paragraph doesn't make much sense at all, it doesn't have much to do with meeting your dad for the first time. And many words seem awkward like they just came from the thesaurus. One last thing, do not use contractions on formal papers.
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thank you all for the help. i dont know which ones are the awkward words or how to get him to change it he didn't use a thesaurus he just naturally has a big vocabulary, and besides those words are pretty easy. he changed it a lot but there is only so far he'll listen to the advice
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EPT
