EPT
[H]My College Essay #1
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CaucasianAsian
Korea (South)11579 Posts
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vstar
Korea (South)693 Posts
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CaucasianAsian
Korea (South)11579 Posts
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micronesia
United States24679 Posts
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decafchicken
United States20019 Posts
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vstar
Korea (South)693 Posts
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mikeymoo
Canada7170 Posts
"Ethnicities". It's plural, not possessive. Not sure if "motions" should have the S. Sounds okay either way, but i'm not sure which is correct. You have a good underlying theme, but it comes off a bit whiny. Inroduce your "life goal" earlier on, so the reader understands where you are headed with this. Otherwise, it sounds like an excerpt out of an autobiography; simply telling a story instead of taking a point and selling it. Beautiful conclusion. | ||
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Superiorwolf
United States5509 Posts
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oneofthem
Cayman Islands24199 Posts
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TheMusiC
United States1054 Posts
ironically, it's also one of my favorite poems  i could also talk more deeply about how the poem isn't really about doing things that others have not done before, but i won't because it might be lengthy and my point of view is largely derived from what i learned in my american literature class and the perspective of my professor (who, in turn, derived much of his way of analysis from lawrence perrine). imo, college essays should show your character (at least a little bit), but they should also show the extent of your writing ability. there is a clear difference, when reading an essay, between someone who KNOWS how to write and someone who LOVES to write. the essay should flow well, have a tremendous, prevalent voice, and reading it should be like reading, well, poetry. writing is an art form to be mastered. the elegance and beauty of the words with which you use to present your point should be just as important as the idea you're trying to convey. first you must have an IDEA, then next you must, absolutely must have STYLE and VOICE. don't use an excessive amount of words when one (or a fewer amount) can give an equal or greater effect with just as much (or perhaps even more) grace and elegance. for example: in your first sentence, you say, "speak of the saying." why not just write "my grandfather would tell me," or "my grandfather would say..."? it's certainly more concise and less redundant than "speak of the saying," which just feels awkward when read, both silently and aloud. i didn't read too closely, but i see a lot of "i"'s in this essay. "i did this," "i did that," "i have experienced this," blah blah blah. i would try to write those thoughts in a different way. lastly, watch your grammar, it can make for awkward reading sometimes  | ||
intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
On October 01 2007 14:04 TheMusiC wrote: good conclusion, but "the road not taken" is one of the most popular, well-known, and overused cliches in college essays. ironically, it's also one of my favorite poems i could also talk more deeply about how the poem isn't really about doing things that others have not done before, but i won't because it might be lengthy and my point of view is largely derived from what i learned in my american literature class and the perspective of my professor (who, in turn, derived much of his way of analysis from lawrence perrine). imo, college essays should show your character (at least a little bit), but they should also show the extent of your writing ability. there is a clear difference, when reading an essay, between someone who KNOWS how to write and someone who LOVES to write. the essay should flow well, have a tremendous, prevalent voice, and reading it should be like reading, well, poetry. writing is an art form to be mastered. the elegance and beauty of the words with which you use to present your point should be just as important as the idea you're trying to convey. first you must have an IDEA, then next you must, absolutely must have STYLE and VOICE. don't use an excessive amount of words when one (or a fewer amount) can give an equal or greater effect with just as much (or perhaps even more) grace and elegance. for example: in your first sentence, you say, "speak of the saying." why not just write "my grandfather would tell me," or "my grandfather would say..."? it's certainly more concise and less redundant than "speak of the saying," which just feels awkward when read, both silently and aloud. i didn't read too closely, but i see a lot of "i"'s in this essay. "i did this," "i did that," "i have experienced this," blah blah blah. i would try to write those thoughts in a different way. lastly, watch your grammar, it can make for awkward reading sometimes excellent post : ] to the op: decently written for sure, but nothing memorable or distinctive. the whole thing just seems a bit... stilted if you know what i mean | ||
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Ansible
United States73 Posts
i doubt the people evaluating this are really looking for great writing anyway. it'll probably be good enough for whatever program you're applying for. as for the idea, it's kind of boring but you don't really have much room for creativity in an essay about "how studying in rome will further your life goals" other than that it'll show you a different culture and give you a unique life experience. everyone will write basically the same essay in the same way you did. | ||
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Tadzio
3340 Posts
Confused sentence, and really ugly cliche. If you really can't think of something less hallmark-cardish, at least fix the sentence. Try to get rid of the first comma by restructuring the sentence: "My grandfather has always told me, 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.'" If he's dead, write: "My late grandfather used to tell me, blah blah blah." Also, notice I got rid of "would always speak of the saying" which doesn't sound good, doesn't look good, and doesn't convey what you want. 2) At first, I just thought of this extremely literally. "extremely" is an unnecessary word. Lose it. 3) I would think of turning small yellow lemons and squeezing out the juice into a pitcher and then selling it to others for a profit. consider trying to combine this sentence with sentence 2. Also, this sentence is confused. Look at it for a moment. "I would think of turning small yellow lemons and squeezing" Turning and squeezing... lemons? "Small yellow" lemons? Is there any other kind? Try: "I conceptualized this literally when I was very young, imagining the labor needed to hand-squeeze juice from lemons for sale at a lemonade stand." 4) It wasn't until later when I realized that it was a metaphor to live off of. "metaphor to live off of?" First, never end a written sentence with the word "of." Next, making lemonade from lemons is a metaphor, but not one to "live off of." Finally, lemons into lemonade isn't technically a metaphor. Rather, its an allegory. Most readers will understand what you mean if you say metaphor, but you might want to use the more accurate "allegory" instead, since this is a college thing. "It wasn't until later" is also very clunky. Try "As I grew older I realized the cliche was an allegory for living life productively." 5)We shouldn't go through life hoping for one thing to take place. This sentence is unclear, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say here has anything to do with the lemon cliche. Also "we" is a bad word to use, considering your target audience are not your peers. Try "People should not live life in anticipation of fortuitous events." 6)In order to make a dream a reality, you have to put your thoughts into motions, and reach your goal at a steady pace. This is a horrible sentence and an even worse follow up to the whole lemonade spiel. Please please please stop making such sweeping faux-deep non-sequiturs. I doubt putting thoughts into motion at a steady pace is the only way to make a dream a reality. And I'm certain that even if it were the only way, it has nothing to do with your grandfather's cliche! Try "Instead, they should focus on making productive use of the resources they have available to them. So this is how I'd rewrite your first paragraph: My grandfather has always told me, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I conceptualized this literally when I was very young, imagining the labor needed to hand-squeeze juice from lemons for sale at a lemonade stand, but as I grew older I realized the cliche was an allegory for living life productively. It suggests that people should not live life in anticipation of fortuitous events, but instead should focus on making productive use of the resources they have available, regardless of their station in life and society. Really read the above, and think about imitating its simplicity and clarity. The problems I point out in your first paragraph plague your entire essay. However, don't steal what I wrote. I don't care if you plagiarize my work, but the whole allegory is a bad opening to the topic of this essay. Ironically, "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" doesn't apply in any way to an argument for you studying abroad. If anything, its what someone would say to you as they consoled you for failing to study abroad. Please note that studying abroad is a fortuitous event... a gift from without, in fact. Making lemons from lemonade would be becoming a billionaire off the strength of a community college education. Does what I say make sense to you? I would suggest rewriting the whole thing after taking some time to seriously consider the topic. After you write it, read it one sentence at a time and rewrite as necessary. If the first sentence is clear and uncluttered, move on to the second sentence and compare it to the first. Do the words and ideas flow? If not, think about ways to make the two sentences feel like they belong together. Continue this process through the whole re-reading. Hope I helped. Good luck. | ||
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JensOfSweden
Cameroon1767 Posts
On October 01 2007 12:38 decafchicken wrote: I thought that line was about making the most out of what life gives you (even if its not much) not putting dreams into realities. Yes, my thoughts exactly and btw this is like the millionth time I've seen someone referencing to this poem in their essay | ||
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intotherainx
United States504 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + The whole tone of the essay is set in the very beginning. You start with a cliche, and the rest of the essay is nothing but cliche. Your essay will be a typical essay they read, and at the end of the day, they will not be able to differentiate you from all the other people who wrote essays just like yours. The ideas in your essay seem very disconnected (the paragraphs seem to be the definitive lines), but the lack of transition to the last paragraph bothers me the most. If your academic record is fine and strong, this essay won't keep you out, but it won't help you get in if you're an average or below average academic student. | ||
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FirstBorn
Romania3955 Posts
On October 01 2007 12:34 CaucasianAsian wrote: [When I was a small child, my grandfather would always speak of the saying, "When life hands you lemons, | ||
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