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Hey guys. Sorry I've been putting off writing on here. I've actually had stuff to do for once, from finishing my freshman year of college (which I'll probably write about soon), to getting a summer job. You'd think this whole virus going around would give me more time, but surprisingly it hasn't.
To be honest, I've been kinda struggling recently. Physically I feel fine, but mentally I'm going through a lot. I've always dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts and the like, but within the past week or so, those thoughts came back full force. Sometimes I'll be doing super well and then something happens, leaving me for whatever reason wanting to kill myself. Thankfully I haven't actually done anything, but I think the only reason keeping me from actually doing something is that I'm way too afraid. At the same time though, I feel like that makes me seem weak, I don't want to hurt myself, but there's part of me that wants to seem "manly" in a way. I almost didn't write this post because I was afraid it might be too triggering.
I've also been trying to figure out myself, and find a sense of identity. Who am I? What am I here for? I'm sure most people have questioned this at least a couple times before, but I've been stressing about it a lot more as of recent. I feel like even though I'm 18 and should be having the "best years of my life" as some people have called it, I've gotta figure myself all out now and try to satisfy people. That feeling of having to satisfy people is also something I've struggled with for years. I distinctly remember being on my high school team and feeling like I couldn't satisfy my teammates or coach because despite being told that I was doing a good job, my times weren't among the best. Even if they were, I'm honestly doubtful that I would have felt like I was doing good enough.
My main goal with this post was to be more of a heart-to-heart thing, and I wanna be more honest about my mental health on here. It sometimes feels like I have to maintain a personality even when I'm struggling, so I want to change that and be more authentic with people. So to whoever still cares enough to read this (and for those who aren't), thank you <3
~David
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That's an username I had not seen in a long time!
Sorry to hear about the struggles, Denis. I hope you can get access to professional help.
A pleasure to read your blog as always! (I have commented before but this is a new account, I can't explain it but your blogs always cheer me up)
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Northern Ireland26221 Posts
From personal experience it’s better to grapple with your identity and what you want out of life at 18 than not and have to do it later in life. Your 20s (and 30s :O) show up quicker than you think and poor choices are way harder to fix later down the line.
Unfortunately I can’t give much in the way of advice, despite being in psychiatric hospital for a year I’ve never been suicidal and my neuroses mostly come from fulfilling my own expectations of myself and I can largely ignore other people in terms of acceptance.
But yeah take care of yourself man and I’m glad you felt this was a suitable forum in which to open up. It’s a difficult thing to do!
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i appreciate your bravery to reach out, i wish you all the best.
Never give up the fight
(also as someone pointed out a psychologist or other professional should be made aware of how you feel, if you haven' t allready)
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On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
Physically I feel fine, but mentally I'm going through a lot.
Yes, indeed, seems like you're right. And it's a most wonderful thing you're admitting issues. To me this signifies a desire to have them corrected.
On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
I've always dealt with depression
This is a serious medical condition. If you suspect so, I advice you to look for professional help. It is not shameful or unmanly to search for help and advice from qualified people. Human bond, if nothing else, forces us to seek for the company of others. And when things come to health - consult with health specialists.
On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
At the same time though, I feel like that makes me seem weak, I don't want to hurt myself, but there's part of me that wants to seem "manly" in a way. I almost didn't write this post because I was afraid it might be too triggering.
Manly is not defined as a willingness to hurt one's self. I would define it as the entire bundle of admirable traits in human character. Also known as virtues. Manly behavior for me is the same as virtuous behavior.
On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
I've also been trying to figure out myself, and find a sense of identity.
Most commendable! I've been in the same boat.
On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
Who am I? What am I here for?
I would say you're a human being. That means you share some traits with the other mammals but you're distinguished from them by the power of reasoning and consciousness.
As for what you're here for - try to have a goal, a most shameful life is an aimless life; one where people squander time and even though they may become 90 years old, they can not tell why or how they've lived. Avoid that at all cost, have a goal, at all times.
On July 15 2020 01:59 DeNikSSB wrote:
That feeling of having to satisfy people is also something I've struggled with for years. I distinctly remember being on my high school team and feeling like I couldn't satisfy my teammates or coach because despite being told that I was doing a good job, my times weren't among the best. Even if they were, I'm honestly doubtful that I would have felt like I was doing good enough.
I've traced the same doubts in myself. I figured they stem from my ignorance on the matter. I did not want to just be out there and do my best (only that is under my control), I wanted the rest to like what I do and to be approved of (totally out of my control.) When sometimes I had success I did not assign it to mere chance as I should have done but I thought I am someone when in reality I've always been no one. When I failed and my efforts went unnoticed I was down, much like you, wondering how and why to stand out. It was a vicious circle and one that needed breaking. So I developed the pattern of thinking where I aim just at doing my best, regardless of public opinion.
Anyway, I wish you all the best in your efforts towards stability!
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if we let go of the fear of not being special and great, and realize that being honest makes us special and great, then we will be honest. it's all about ego
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I think many people your age have trouble with finding themselves, I can definitely say that I did. The "best years" is mostly people getting drunk to distract themselves from their inner turmoil.
I don't think it's brave to commit suicide. On the contrary, suicide means giving up the hope to improve your life and bringing your pain to the people who care about you, which is the opposite of bravery and kindness. It's nothing to be admired because it's fundamentally selfish and cowardly.
That being said if you feel depressed and it isn't getting better consider searching for professional help. You might be suffering from a mental illness that's well-researched and treatable.
And I've read and talked to a bunch of people who made it through and said that getting out of their depression was extremely freeing and made them enjoy life again. Don't ever give yourself up because the tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel is worth searching for.
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EPT
