To be honest, I've been kinda struggling recently. Physically I feel fine, but mentally I'm going through a lot. I've always dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts and the like, but within the past week or so, those thoughts came back full force. Sometimes I'll be doing super well and then something happens, leaving me for whatever reason wanting to kill myself. Thankfully I haven't actually done anything, but I think the only reason keeping me from actually doing something is that I'm way too afraid. At the same time though, I feel like that makes me seem weak, I don't want to hurt myself, but there's part of me that wants to seem "manly" in a way. I almost didn't write this post because I was afraid it might be too triggering.
I've also been trying to figure out myself, and find a sense of identity. Who am I? What am I here for? I'm sure most people have questioned this at least a couple times before, but I've been stressing about it a lot more as of recent. I feel like even though I'm 18 and should be having the "best years of my life" as some people have called it, I've gotta figure myself all out now and try to satisfy people. That feeling of having to satisfy people is also something I've struggled with for years. I distinctly remember being on my high school team and feeling like I couldn't satisfy my teammates or coach because despite being told that I was doing a good job, my times weren't among the best. Even if they were, I'm honestly doubtful that I would have felt like I was doing good enough.
My main goal with this post was to be more of a heart-to-heart thing, and I wanna be more honest about my mental health on here. It sometimes feels like I have to maintain a personality even when I'm struggling, so I want to change that and be more authentic with people. So to whoever still cares enough to read this (and for those who aren't), thank you <3