EPTI have come to the conclusion that nothing in our society exists without people creating it. Institutional law, morality, organizational structures – and the list goes on – all exist because people created the platform and systems to which we follow and act upon. As children, it seemed these systems were untouchable and above our control, but as adults we learn the systems are there because someone willed them to be there.
The definition of Culture (as taken from Wikipedia) sums up this idea perfectly:
Culture is, in the words of E.B. Tylor, "that complex whole which includes knowledge, belief, art, morals, law, custom and any other capabilities and habits acquired by man as a member of society.”
Culture, in other words, is the complex whole of each member’s will; the will to enforce and/or support knowledge, belief, art, morals, law, etc.
In order to get what you want in this life, you have to learn to thrust your will upon the people around you. You must ensure your will – as manifest in all elements listed above in the definition of Culture – is seen as relevant, needed and satisfactory in our society.
This guide breaks down certain elements of our western cultural systems and will provide a step by step “how to” on ensuring your will (and agenda) can be successfully accepted by the people around you. And it provides a viable option to ensuring you can get what you want.
Step 1 – Identify your wants and how they are influenced in your environment
We all have things we need and/or want. For most of you reading this, your wants far out way your needs and your needs are almost certainly met daily. This guide is more for individuals ascending Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – as our basic human needs (such as food and shelter) are met and we start to envision our lives with more emotional wants – things like better shoes, a raise at work, a prettier girlfriend, etc. To this end, because the process listed below is extensive, this guide is best suited to help you attain complex wants – or wants that have complex emotions or systems attached to them. If you simply want to buy a better pair of shoes, save up your pennies and go buy them. If you want to get a promotion at work, follow this guide.
Understanding your wants and the environment you’re trying to satisfy them in is utterly important.
Here is a list of items you should consider as you intend to get what you want:
1. What system or institution does your want challenge? Who controls that system or institution?
a. If the system or institution is regarding general law, strongly reconsider your want: ie: wants that break the law or could put you in jail. These institutional rules, though man made, are based off the essence of society’s survivability (people’s well-being), and when challenged, are obviously met with serious repercussions. No man should think he can challenge these laws; no man’s wants outweigh these laws, i.e. wanting to murder someone because they wronged you
2. Does your want strongly influence people around you negatively? Will it harm them physically, emotionally and/or spiritually?
a. If the answer is yes, you should strongly reconsider your want
3. Does your want provide gain for others as well?
a. If yes, this is a huge asset to your cause
4. How well do you know the person that will satisfy your want? Do they trust you? Do they want you to ultimately receive your want?
a. If your want exists in a system that eliminates all human one-on-one interaction, it will be almost impossible to ensure you can receive it. For example, I want to win the lottery. The lottery is not controlled by people, so it cannot be manipulated and no one can be rewarded based on merit
5. How influential are you to the system or institution?
a. If you are influential to the system or institution, then you can either directly manipulate it or influence the people controlling/supporting it
Let’s pretend you want a promotion at work from a supervisor to a manager role at Walmart, and let’s go through this list together.
1. My want for the manager position challenges the hierarchy at Walmart. The GM controls this institution.
2. No, but Mark also wants the promotion and he has three children, and I have none… so I suppose he wants the promotion more and perhaps even needs it.
3. Yes, in the sense that I believe I have a strong logistical and emotional skill set to provide a safe, happy environment for the staff to do their jobs. Simply, I think I’d be a great manager and the staff would enjoy working under me – I also have great ideas to improve the department.
4. I know the GM, Gary, well – we often spend time in the staff room when he comes out of his office to shoot the shit with the employees. He trusts me and he knows I do a good job as a supervisor. I suppose he simply wants the best candidate for the job, so he could want me to receive the promotion.
5. The other staff seem to like and trust me, I’ve made small logistical changes that have helped our department be more attentive to the customer’s needs. We’ve also increased sales for our department in the last 9 months since I’ve been a supervisor.
Step 2 – Identify your resources
Within the context of your want, identify what resources you control.
In our example of the Walmart manager promotion here are our resources:
1. Knowledge of the job and how it is performed, and a strong track record in current role
2. Skills that pertain to the job
3. Relationships with the staff that report to the role and insights into their needs and wants
a. Though this is a strange item to put on a resume, it can still be brought up in an interview and is often looked at by superiors looking at promoting a staff
4. *Relationship with the GM that will make the final decision
a. This item is the most important. I will touch base on the power of your one-on-one relationships in future points.
Resources = power. This was true a thousand years ago and it is true today. The best way to get what you want or to gain power (or an upper hand on someone – both for positive and negative ends) is to control resources.
If I mention the word “Transaction” you will (probably) immediately think of money and purchasing something over a counter from a cashier. However, transactions happen every day that have no monetary value (up front). Relationships between new friends, for example, can be quite transactionary in nature. In our society popularity and our ability to network (or quickly make friends) is a resource often underminded, and the transaction of providing connections to an individual for favours in return can be a significant way to hold power.
When you’re thinking of attaining your want – in any platform or circumstance – think again of what resources you have and how they can be used in a transaction with the person or people that can give you your want. Use your resources to attain the want. Make a transaction. Sometimes simply being a trustworthy person is enough of a transaction to get something from someone. Things like trust, love, respect, and honour are all worth a lot to a person who is willing to bend or give up something that other people want. An inheritance going to one child over the other is a good example of this. The eldest usually gets the largest inheritance simply because they hold the parents trust, love, loyalty, honour, etc.
These social transactions take a lot of skill… you have to tactfully and respectfully remind the want giver why you deserve to have it. If you come on to strong, you’ll seem needy or abrasive. If you come on to passive, you’ll seem like you don’t actually want it. You have to find the middle ground and present your resources and your reasons why you should be given the want.
Step 3 – Create relationships
There’s an old saying: “It’s not what you know, but who you know.”
This saying is often referenced in regards to receiving something you want. Often times, this saying is associated with people getting a job. But it can apply to any circumstance. In my last two professional, unrelated roles, I received the job (over roughly 100 candidates in one case) because I knew the employer personally.
The difference between workplace candidates coming in cold vs. someone who knows the employer is the intangible transactions that are happening at the table. There is more than simply skill and knowledge up for grabs. There is trust, respect, personal insights, etc. that will be traded up-front with the employer for a salary if hired.
Keeping with the promotion or finding a job analogy; if someone finds themselves unemployed the first place they should turn when considering new work is to friends and family that can refer them to a future employer. If those leads do not work out, then friends of friends or other causal contacts could be an asset. This methodology – which is quite common in our society – is naturally, and obviously, the best course of action. With our Walmart scenario, the future manager should start to (gracefully) get to know the GM and try reaffirming their positive impact on the department – before the interview, while they are in the supervisor job. They should also try and show the GM their positive, personal qualities and build report with him.
Let’s look at another example: Sales cold calls.
In my experience, cold calls still have a lot of heat behind them in the sense that you suspect they could be a future client. A true cold call would have no association or need for the item you are trying to sell. In a cold call, you are often referencing other relationships or sales that validate the call. Again, this proves the point that relationships hold to the most weight, and tying one relationship to another is extremely important to success.
In sales, there is an old saying: “Customers want to make sure they’re getting in bed with the right company”. The “getting in bed” statement suggests a strong relationship between customer and company. Why do you think large sales are done at the dinner table or on the green? Because they require a significant relationships before large sums of money and product are traded.
Your want should exist in an environment where you hold significant relationships and resources. And you should always leverage these two things strategically to get your want.
Here is another example:
+ Show Spoiler +
A 17 year old high school student (in the 11th grade) wants to eliminate his weekend curfew which is set at midnight each night.
Scenario 1: Matt is often late for dinner and this annoys his mom. He is often not cleaning his room and has a bad record of not cutting the grass every other week. He took his learners but has yet to try for his graduated license – he’s been waiting roughly a year to get registered and take the test. Matt has to either be dropped off by his parents or a sibling to go out with friends, or take public transit – which is usually his best options because no one wants to drive him.
Scenario 2: Matt is usually pretty accommodating with his parents for dinner time and chores. If he’s not going to make it, he texts his mom and apologizes and assures her it’ll get done at a specific time in the near future. He went for his graduated driver’s license right after getting his learners at 16 and is used to driving his parents or brother’s car around town, and when he asks they generally don’t mind him using it for specific reasons. Because he communicates a lot and generally helps with chores, his parents (especially his mom) trust him and know he’s a responsible kid.
Out of these two examples, what Matt do you think will have more of a chance of getting his curfew lifted? Keep in mind Matt’s mom in scenario 2 will have much less of a negative emotional attachment to Matt and there are more resources he can use to ensure his transaction is successful.
Scenario 1: Matt is often late for dinner and this annoys his mom. He is often not cleaning his room and has a bad record of not cutting the grass every other week. He took his learners but has yet to try for his graduated license – he’s been waiting roughly a year to get registered and take the test. Matt has to either be dropped off by his parents or a sibling to go out with friends, or take public transit – which is usually his best options because no one wants to drive him.
Scenario 2: Matt is usually pretty accommodating with his parents for dinner time and chores. If he’s not going to make it, he texts his mom and apologizes and assures her it’ll get done at a specific time in the near future. He went for his graduated driver’s license right after getting his learners at 16 and is used to driving his parents or brother’s car around town, and when he asks they generally don’t mind him using it for specific reasons. Because he communicates a lot and generally helps with chores, his parents (especially his mom) trust him and know he’s a responsible kid.
Out of these two examples, what Matt do you think will have more of a chance of getting his curfew lifted? Keep in mind Matt’s mom in scenario 2 will have much less of a negative emotional attachment to Matt and there are more resources he can use to ensure his transaction is successful.
Step 4 – Lean into the want giver, bend them to your will
Step 1-3 should provide enough reference for you to get what you want. By now, it should be obvious that wants should not be random or too large to grasp. You should tailor your wants to your environment and you should set respectful expectations to getting those wants.
HOWEVER, step four is the point of no return, and it can be used to up your ante and ensure you really get what you want. This step is often used by sociopaths and I’ve personally seen many high level business people use this skill to ensure victory or their want.
There comes a time in every relationship where you lean into the other person and confront a specific need or want. Sometimes this happens naturally and with consent (sex for the 1st time for two people dating is a good example of this). Other times, it comes as a complete surprise or a calculated surprise for the person needing to give a want (an employer out of the blue being addressed by a staff for a raise, or an employer being addressed by a staff for a raise that has been over performing for a while are good examples of this).
Regardless of the situation and the want; you can train yourself to lean into the want giver and overpower them with your will. But this has to be done very, very tactfully - unless… you are dealing with someone that is spineless. If you know your agenda and will is stronger than the want giver, you may be able to simply suggest you want what they can give you and suggest you will not stand down without having it, and if you are perceived as unmovable they may simply give you what you want. Beyond this, if you suggest that not getting what you want will result in some sort of hardship becoming them, they may also be more inclined to give you want you want – but I do not condone this type of action.
Before going on to more wholesome ways of impacting people with your will, let me give you a few examples that you may relate to and better understand this concept.
In a family institution, rules are created for (usually) a couple reasons: the well-being of the family members – specifically the children, and to ensure the home is a prosperous environment i.e. it is clean, people aren’t fighting, everything is working etc. These rules (and the culture that manifests over time) are held simply by the parents and children (and slightly influenced by other stakeholders from time to time). So when a mother gets angry at a child for not taking out the trash, there is no real – or significant/long lasting – repercussion of this event. Basically, the mom is just annoyed that it wasn’t done and probably just has to do it now.
But let’s reflect together on how the child feels when the mother confronts them about the trash – think now of how you felt when your parents got angry about you breaking a household rule. The child will feel bad, perhaps a little afraid or sad. If they respect their mother they may even feel levels of shame. But WHY? Booo hooo mom had to take out the trash… they feel these emotions because her will has been forced upon them and they failed to uphold the want and the transaction that made between them.
The oldest trick in the book – in our western society – is to institutionalize wants and turn them into rules. Every single rule (many being very, very needed) exists in our culture because someone or some group of people created it, institutionalized it and enforced it. But at the core, every one of these rules can be manipulated and/or changed.
Companies and business are the best example of wants simply being institutionalized and turned into rules. A manager figures out a reason to implement new procedures – a specific want for the workplace. The newly written procedure goes through certain channels for approval and then is institutionalized and enforced; taking the personal aspect of the want out it – but not, actually. The person making the rules simply gets what they want. Even though the procedure has been institutionalized, it can still be broken, bent or manipulated by people that understand the root cause of it (or have made it) – and even more so for rules created that do not support health or well-being of individuals, in other words: political rules.
Institutionalizing a want in the workplace is a very effective way to get high levels of buy-in for your want. However, these methods are not at all emotional. They are political, logistical and intellectual in nature.
The true master will learn to manipulate the want giver emotionally and learn to thrust their will upon them to receive the want.
This is done by implementing step 1-3 and then executing a very calculated conversation or circumstance to enhance each step.
There is an old crude joke in the entertainment industry that references blowjobs for advancement in the industry. In a crude way, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Do you think the blowjob recipient would allow just anyone to perform the act? Obviously, step 1 through 3 would have been implemented and the blowjob simply enhances the reason to give them the gig or the opportunity – whatever. If this makes you want to suck dick for your want - all the power to you, but I’m not suggesting this is a good way of getting what you want, it’s just an example. I strongly suggest that instead of sucking dick, you ask out front – honestly and with intensity.
Another old saying – dating back to the Bible - is: “Ask and ye shall receive.”
So many people side step the ask; so many people go on about how they should get what they want and propose a case to the want giver, but they do not actually ask for what they want. I bet you most dick suckers don’t actually ask, they just suck dick and then wait for what they hope the recipient knows they want and gives it.
If you follow steps 1 through 3 and arrange a pleasant time to sit with the want giver, look them in the eye, respectfully plead your case and ask with intensity I ensure you, you will strongly up the chance of getting what you want. Feel the burn in your chest as your will moves upon them. Feel the intensity and channel the energy. Be calm and pleasant. Smile if you have to, or embrace the ask while being in a light hearted conversation. But mean it, and claim your want and hold it tight.
About the Author:
My name is Drew, I work in upper management in a not-for-profit. I am also very active in the entertainment industry as a venue talent buyer and I play in a reputable band. The items in this blog have helped me find great success and get what I want. I hope they help you as well. For the record, there has been no dick sucking as part of my career path hahah. Cheers ya'll.
