Warning: This guide is legit as shit. If you follow these directions exactly, you may end up drowning in pussy, like if you filled up an Olympic swimming pool with kittens, dove in and just got smothered in all that fur and cuteness.
You probably read some PUA shit and were like "I can do that!" except you forgot you have to be attractive, not creepy, and drive a Lamborghini*. Then you got rejected hard and got a drink splashed in your face. So you ran all the way home crying, pooping your pants, bleeding from your nose, and stopping along the way to pick up some milk for your cereal.
For those unfamiliar, PUA is shorthand for Penis Unicorn Android, or, a guy who simply wants to learn some 'tricks' to picking up women. This process has a few steps:
- Identify target - Talk shit to the woman until she wants your dick - Bring woman home - Coitus - ???? - Cum!
This process works 100% of the time, except for when it doesn't. When this happens, and you still fail, you will inevitably post to some forum on the internet, and get advice from all these raging steroid-bro-man-dudes who use way too much hair-gel who will type with their abs and reply with "Try again, retard." Then, you go in the shame cube.
THIS IS WRONG. I'm going to tell you the true way to acquire a waifu; possibly azn. First of all, do not change anything about your appearance. Be a complete slob. Throw your food on the ground without finishing it. Never bathe. Wipe your boogers on your cat. Go dumpster-diving and don't shower afterwards. Befriend the rats. Grow a beard. Let your toe-nails grow into deadly talons. Save your urine in jars. If anyone shows concern over your lifestyle, yell "You're not the boss of me!"
The next step is to take a lot of drugs and go on a spirit-journey and begin traversing until you reach the Promised Land: The United States Bible Belt. Here, you will find many interesting and wonderful things. Restaurants that serve only cornbread, funny accents, hillbillies in pick-up trucks, rampant incest, the 2nd Amendment, bull-riding, NASCAR, and lots and lots of churches. This is where you are going to make your move.
You may need to do some scouting early in your build to make sure you know where to attack, but the build order remains relatively standard. So, you find a church with all the hot gurlzz. Everyone knows that Christian chix are horribly sexually repressed and need some hot, hot heathen sex to satisfy their sinful lust.
A simple typo, or a subconscious hormonal cry for help?
So, here's your story. Memorize it. You are the sole survivor of a mutant wolverine attack that was caused by atheist liberal scientists that destroyed your town, and you have been wandering and doing a lot of drugs and are on a spiritual journey. When they ask you what you believe in, tell them you believe in nature and think trees are gods. They will then scoff at such silliness, and attempt to convert you to their religion. It doesn't matter which church you end up in, you will join them and pretend to be a Christian to seduce their young maidens. Unethical? You betcha it is, but we're talking about getting some. When you wanna get some, you need to sometimes tell a mountain of lies. Still more ethical than standard PUA shit, amirite?
If you are unfamiliar with Christianity, it works something like this: God made man, and God is all-powerful, but man somehow defied God, but it was because God let it happen, but he doesn't like that it happened, so to rectify this, God sent himself as his own son while still being God, but also his son and prayed to himself and then sacrificed his only son who is also himself so that he would accept his son's sacrifice (Which is technically his own sacrifice of himself to himself) so he could could forgive man for sinning, so man wouldn't go to hell, which God made, but doesn't want you to go to. There are a few extra details here and there, but that's the gist of it. So, you have to go with it, because those fertile females don't want no non-Christian unbeliever.
Then, clean the fuck up. Shave the beard, remove talons, brush teeth, take shower, get haircuit, etc. Then act really energetic and yell a lot about how much you love Jesus as often as possible. The church-women will see this as a positive attribute and will want your sperms in their butt. Just go up to them and ask them if they love Jesus. They will say yes and you mention that you also love Jesus. If you don't know what to talk about, always just talk about Jesus.
You will, unfortunately, need to spent probably around 1-2 months with this facade, because you have to gain the trust of your church by mentioning Jesus as much as possible and going to Bible studies. Once they trust you, make your move. Ask the girls if they want coffee, because bitches love coffee. Then go out. Then make out. Then insert your disc into their DVD player. Voila!
If you unfamiliar with my prior works, this blog may have offended and/or confused you. I'm sorry
Maybe just be cool and funny, and someone is bound to like you if you meet enough people! If not, perhaps you should consider eating a healthy diet and proper exercise as well. If that doesn't work, just be a millionaire. People are really shallow and love other people who have a lot of money.
p.s. - I'm a gurl, and if you're a guy, you should never listen to a gurl's advice on how to pick-up gurlz. Srsly. Don't. That is real talk.
Question time! How many females did you sleep with as a result of this guide? Give me the results as they come along.
Can't I just have someone arrange my marriage and be done with it? Preferably with someone from an appropriately affluent family, thus maintaining my social caste?
As a literal millionaire who didn't earn any of his fortune but was born into it, none of this guide helped me to get laid as much as dad's premature death.
Maybe just be cool and funny, and someone is bound to like you if you meet enough people! If not, perhaps you should consider eating a healthy diet and proper exercise as well. If that doesn't work, just be a millionaire. People are really shallow and love other people who have a lot of money. p.s. - I'm a gurl, and if you're a guy, you should never listen to a gurl's advice on how to pick-up gurlz. Srsly. Don't. That is real talk.
Good advice. I read the whole thing and am still filling my husband chores with delight (sorry I'm old), so I can attest reading it at least did not impair me any. Also, there is that grill that keeps looking at me funny...
AMERICA, the land of opportunities. No wonder its considered the greatest country on the earth by everyone barring ISIS.
Confirmed as one of the leading strategies on getting laid. Ive been doing something similar with buddhists. It helps going vegan - only eating things touched by the sun, and believeing that you were a horse in a previous life (this is to paint the picture)
As an atheist, your description of what general Christianity believes about God reminds me of how the LDS religion at least decided that God and Jesus were separate things, along with the holy ghost. If God is forgiving and all loving, why the fuck would he pray to himself? Holy shit people, get your beliefs together. Not that Mormons got it all right, but their story makes a hell of a lot more sense than "Well, God decided to be Jesus and the Holy Spirit." Dude has shit to do, he doesn't want to inhabit the body of his son who had to go down to Earth to tell people to stop be pieces of shit. Fucker fed everyone so they would stop complaining and listen, even showed them some magic at the same time. Or people had little fish and bread.
Anyway, well done on furthering the blog meta. I for one enjoy these types of movements because it's evidence of the effect of the internet.
Now I'm going to go read about free agency because of this whole thing. Down the rabbit hole....
On September 21 2015 14:32 QuietIdiot wrote: Consent is just a fetch quest.
And like any other fetch quest if you have enough money you can just cheat and pay the problems away.
Also this guide has gotten me 2 women, but only becuase they're married to the two worst people on tl, mountaindewjunkie, and Dafuckface.
sickest burn ever
On September 22 2015 08:49 hoby2000 wrote: As an atheist, your description of what general Christianity believes about God reminds me of how the LDS religion at least decided that God and Jesus were separate things, along with the holy ghost. If God is forgiving and all loving, why the fuck would he pray to himself? Holy shit people, get your beliefs together. Not that Mormons got it all right, but their story makes a hell of a lot more sense than "Well, God decided to be Jesus and the Holy Spirit." Dude has shit to do, he doesn't want to inhabit the body of his son who had to go down to Earth to tell people to stop be pieces of shit. Fucker fed everyone so they would stop complaining and listen, even showed them some magic at the same time. Or people had little fish and bread.
Anyway, well done on furthering the blog meta. I for one enjoy these types of movements because it's evidence of the effect of the internet.
Now I'm going to go read about free agency because of this whole thing. Down the rabbit hole....
btw I thought it was a weird story ever since I was first told it as a 7 year old (but of course I couldn't dissect it in such detail.)
I'll be using this to introduce people to Christianity. Credits will be given.
"I heard this great abridged version of the bible from a blog post about acquiring females. Here it goes:"
If you are unfamiliar with Christianity, it works something like this: God made man, and God is all-powerful, but man somehow defied God, but it was because God let it happen, but he doesn't like that it happened, so to rectify this, God sent himself as his own son while still being God, but also his son and prayed to himself and then sacrificed his only son who is also himself so that he would accept his son's sacrifice (Which is technically his own sacrifice of himself to himself) so he could could forgive man for sinning, so man wouldn't go to hell, which God made, but doesn't want you to go to. There are a few extra details here and there, but that's the gist of it.
On September 21 2015 01:31 ninazerg wrote: Ask the girls if they want coffee, because bitches love coffee.
wat if i dont drink coffee, do i still ask them to go for coffee? cuz 'wanna go for tea' sounds pretty ass
"Going for coffee" is just code words for "I want to eventually fuck you, so let me purchase for you a gift to show that I can produce income, and that I am a worthy partner."
You could just say that and let the chips fall where they may.
oh for christ sake the bible belt is nothing like that. it's run by david blaine, all the women are prostitutes and the last buddhists here are being converted through rational discourse. yea auburn is only one small place on the map and there are other heathen colleges that have lost the true way. on the contrary the so-called christian resistance is a loosely affiliated group of rebels who work in a place called parker hall where linux is the standard operating system. supposedly within these secret societies there are sects even more secret than the societies themselves who have produced information management systems superior to windows. i really can't say more at this time, but there's no understanding the current body of christianity other than with the term 'computer scientist'. at least that's the status here in the bible belt.
On September 28 2015 17:30 MarlieChurphy wrote: I disagree. furthermore, I call shenanigans. Also, Pua stands for Princess uncovering abilities (like how mario finds toads when he wants peach).
On September 22 2015 08:49 hoby2000 wrote: As an atheist, your description of what general Christianity believes about God reminds me of how the LDS religion at least decided that God and Jesus were separate things, along with the holy ghost. If God is forgiving and all loving, why the fuck would he pray to himself? Holy shit people, get your beliefs together. Not that Mormons got it all right, but their story makes a hell of a lot more sense than "Well, God decided to be Jesus and the Holy Spirit." Dude has shit to do, he doesn't want to inhabit the body of his son who had to go down to Earth to tell people to stop be pieces of shit. Fucker fed everyone so they would stop complaining and listen, even showed them some magic at the same time. Or people had little fish and bread.
Anyway, well done on furthering the blog meta. I for one enjoy these types of movements because it's evidence of the effect of the internet.
Now I'm going to go read about free agency because of this whole thing. Down the rabbit hole....
Well, it makes sense until you get to the part where Jesus goes to 'Murka in his spare time...
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