EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/V62ZWaK.gif)
For those who want to get it in
Warning: This guide is legit as shit. If you follow these directions exactly, you may end up drowning in pussy, like if you filled up an Olympic swimming pool with kittens, dove in and just got smothered in all that fur and cuteness.
You probably read some PUA shit and were like "I can do that!" except you forgot you have to be attractive, not creepy, and drive a Lamborghini*. Then you got rejected hard and got a drink splashed in your face. So you ran all the way home crying, pooping your pants, bleeding from your nose, and stopping along the way to pick up some milk for your cereal.
For those unfamiliar, PUA is shorthand for Penis Unicorn Android, or, a guy who simply wants to learn some 'tricks' to picking up women. This process has a few steps:
- Identify target
- Talk shit to the woman until she wants your dick
- Bring woman home
- Coitus
- ????
- Cum!
This process works 100% of the time, except for when it doesn't. When this happens, and you still fail, you will inevitably post to some forum on the internet, and get advice from all these raging steroid-bro-man-dudes who use way too much hair-gel who will type with their abs and reply with "Try again, retard." Then, you go in the shame cube.
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A computer simulation of the shame cube:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/R4FVjQ7.gif)
THIS IS WRONG. I'm going to tell you the true way to acquire a waifu; possibly azn. First of all, do not change anything about your appearance. Be a complete slob. Throw your food on the ground without finishing it. Never bathe. Wipe your boogers on your cat. Go dumpster-diving and don't shower afterwards. Befriend the rats. Grow a beard. Let your toe-nails grow into deadly talons. Save your urine in jars. If anyone shows concern over your lifestyle, yell "You're not the boss of me!"
The next step is to take a lot of drugs and go on a spirit-journey and begin traversing until you reach the Promised Land: The United States Bible Belt. Here, you will find many interesting and wonderful things. Restaurants that serve only cornbread, funny accents, hillbillies in pick-up trucks, rampant incest, the 2nd Amendment, bull-riding, NASCAR, and lots and lots of churches. This is where you are going to make your move.
You may need to do some scouting early in your build to make sure you know where to attack, but the build order remains relatively standard. So, you find a church with all the hot gurlzz. Everyone knows that Christian chix are horribly sexually repressed and need some hot, hot heathen sex to satisfy their sinful lust.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/9htzwT0.jpg)
A simple typo, or a subconscious hormonal cry for help?
So, here's your story. Memorize it. You are the sole survivor of a mutant wolverine attack that was caused by atheist liberal scientists that destroyed your town, and you have been wandering and doing a lot of drugs and are on a spiritual journey. When they ask you what you believe in, tell them you believe in nature and think trees are gods. They will then scoff at such silliness, and attempt to convert you to their religion. It doesn't matter which church you end up in, you will join them and pretend to be a Christian to seduce their young maidens. Unethical? You betcha it is, but we're talking about getting some. When you wanna get some, you need to sometimes tell a mountain of lies. Still more ethical than standard PUA shit, amirite?
If you are unfamiliar with Christianity, it works something like this: God made man, and God is all-powerful, but man somehow defied God, but it was because God let it happen, but he doesn't like that it happened, so to rectify this, God sent himself as his own son while still being God, but also his son and prayed to himself and then sacrificed his only son who is also himself so that he would accept his son's sacrifice (Which is technically his own sacrifice of himself to himself) so he could could forgive man for sinning, so man wouldn't go to hell, which God made, but doesn't want you to go to. There are a few extra details here and there, but that's the gist of it. So, you have to go with it, because those fertile females don't want no non-Christian unbeliever.
Then, clean the fuck up. Shave the beard, remove talons, brush teeth, take shower, get haircuit, etc. Then act really energetic and yell a lot about how much you love Jesus as often as possible. The church-women will see this as a positive attribute and will want your sperms in their butt. Just go up to them and ask them if they love Jesus. They will say yes and you mention that you also love Jesus. If you don't know what to talk about, always just talk about Jesus.
You will, unfortunately, need to spent probably around 1-2 months with this facade, because you have to gain the trust of your church by mentioning Jesus as much as possible and going to Bible studies. Once they trust you, make your move. Ask the girls if they want coffee, because bitches love coffee. Then go out. Then make out. Then insert your disc into their DVD player. Voila!
TL;DR
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If you unfamiliar with my prior works, this blog may have offended and/or confused you. I'm sorry 
Maybe just be cool and funny, and someone is bound to like you if you meet enough people! If not, perhaps you should consider eating a healthy diet and proper exercise as well. If that doesn't work, just be a millionaire. People are really shallow and love other people who have a lot of money.
p.s. - I'm a gurl, and if you're a guy, you should never listen to a gurl's advice on how to pick-up gurlz. Srsly. Don't. That is real talk.
Maybe just be cool and funny, and someone is bound to like you if you meet enough people! If not, perhaps you should consider eating a healthy diet and proper exercise as well. If that doesn't work, just be a millionaire. People are really shallow and love other people who have a lot of money.
p.s. - I'm a gurl, and if you're a guy, you should never listen to a gurl's advice on how to pick-up gurlz. Srsly. Don't. That is real talk.
Question time!
How many females did you sleep with as a result of this guide? Give me the results as they come along.
*a car made out of pasta
![[image loading]](http://cj3b.info/Photos/Toys/Pasta/PastaJeepsFront.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/2q3DKN6.jpg)
