• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 10:24
CEST 16:24
KST 23:24
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Serral wins HomeStory Cup 2914Serral wins Maestros of the Game 243ByuL, and the Limitations of Standard Play3Team Liquid Map Contest #22: Results and Winners7Code S Season 2 (2026): RO4 and Finals Preview12
Community News
IntoTheTV X SOOP SC2 League : Weekly & Monthly4Clem: "I don't have that much hope in Blizzard"4ZeroSpace Early Access is Now Live!33Weekly Cups (July 13-19): Terran & Protoss rise; Zerg falters2Balance hotfix patch 5.0.16b (July 16)102
StarCraft 2
General
How would you feel about frequent/monthly balance patches for SC2? Balance hotfix patch 5.0.16b (July 16) 3kb/s downloading patch..... are we back to 1998? Clem: "I don't have that much hope in Blizzard" Reynor: GSL Loss Wasn't About Preparation Format
Tourneys
PIG STY FESTIVAL 8.0! (13 - 23 August) RSL Revival: Season 6 - Qualifiers and Main Event IntoTheTV X SOOP SC2 League : Weekly & Monthly INu's Battles#18 - Cure, herO, Rogue & ByuN Master Swan Open (Global Bronze-Master 2)
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
[M] (2) Industrial Park New Map Maker - Looking for Advice - Love or Hate
External Content
Mutation # 536 Railroad Switch The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 535 Assembly of Vengeance Mutation # 534 Burning Evacuation
Brood War
General
BW General Discussion ASL22 General Discussion BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Recent recommended BW games screpdb: new Starcraft reporting tool
Tourneys
2v2v2v2 Tournament Escore Tournament - Season 3 [Megathread] Daily Proleagues Star Con San Diego 2026
Strategy
Simple Questions, Simple Answers PvT advise for noobs Fighting Spirit mining rates Creating a full chart of Zerg builds
Other Games
General Games
ZeroSpace Early Access is Now Live! Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Path of Exile General RTS Discussion Thread Nintendo Switch Thread
Dota 2
Looking for a Dota Mentor Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
TSM pausing esports and CLG Dead
Heroes of the Storm
Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Power Rank TL Mafia Community Thread NeO.D_StephenKing vs This Guy From 1 Million Dance
Community
General
European Politico-economics QA Mega-thread US Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Artificial Intelligence Thread How to buy a book - shipping from Korea to Europe
Fan Clubs
The IdrA Fan Club The HerO Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! Anime Discussion Thread Series you have seen recently... [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread 2026-27 Football Thread placeholder TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 Formula 1 Discussion MLB/Baseball 2023
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread Simple Questions Simple Answers FPS when play League Of Legend on laptop
TL Community
Northern Ireland Global Starcraft The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Games, Hormones, and "Dark" …
TrAiDoS
Hello guys!
LIN1s
ASL S22 English Commentary…
namkraft
Poker (part 2)
Nebuchad
An Exploration of th…
waywardstrategy
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 5779 users

[Poetry] Shadows

Blogs > Soularion
Post a Reply
Soularion
Profile Blog Joined January 2014
Canada2764 Posts
March 23 2015 04:54 GMT
#1
I. Rooftops
Out into the city lights- searching for epiphanies
Rain hits the concrete, simplest of symphonies
Streetlights, moonlight, couldn't hide from the dark.
Bit my lip to blood in a sea full of sharks.

The sun rises, the jazz swells
A heart beats like a thought dwells
Through violet skies and coast lines
Through freedom, only in cold pines

To ashes, the sugar-coated madness
And trying to forget, death's door's address
Because the sun dies - may it never rise
It always settles, it always lies

Electric soul, city lights, skyscrapers
Trying to reach heaven, on a tower of icebreakers
All I need is a rooftop...
All I need is a rooftop...


II. Lies
Pray when I hit the ground, may it not make a sound
So they'll never have to know the horror of what they found
The fake smiles are futile, happiness in vain
Life - the never-ending reign, 'til a bullet hits the vein
Better to reverse, a reign-ending 'Never'
When the presence of the next dusk bites
It doesn't matter-
I'll be honored by graffiti

When the sunshine dies-
Why does it matter? The sunshine lies.


III. Happy
Do you wanna be alive?
I just wanna be happy

I just wanna feel the rain hit my skin
I just wanna be free, saying I don't care when
But roses adorning a grave are useless
Pleasure found in the comfort of death is futile
A war fought with time is a war left truce-less
Until I'm left dust, so it'll be a while

I just wanna see the sunlight
I just wanna bask in it, the whole night

Lies carried by the same wings torn from angels
Logic of a dream and deconstructed fables
It's all spinning, set sail on a river of tears
Left the peers at piers, waste away the years
Every paper sailboat sinks, so it doesn't make sense
I know that... I know that.

Said the shadows carry dreams and not a moment worth forgetting
Said I'd never really drown, and that's a moment worth forgetting

Do you wanna be happy?
I just wanna be alive


IV. Truth
The darkness is all, encompassing the moral compass
Glassy smile sundered, the heart left to numbness
The dusk dawns, sunlight coated in midnight - the shadows
With leaves left leaping, off of the gallows
The execution, you could never deny
How sweet it would be, the last touch, the embrace
The taste upon lips, the sin-carried grace
And by the time that you met him, you'd have an answer to why

When the night dies
Why does it matter? The sunshine lies.


V. Ink
Falling into the abyss
A war- lost to a kiss
A white flag on white lies
Clouded minds but black skies

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

It's the curse, "they'll never understand"
So you don't explain, so they'll never really know
As if they'd take the time to realize the woes
The ideal is lies, bestowed upon their fellow man
Easier to say - he's not strong enough to take a stand

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

Blackness, never could swim well
Gasping for air, soon to see hell
By the time they arrive to see where I sink
They'll find me drowned, lost in my ink

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

--

Same usual stuff. Post any criticism you may have. Hope you enjoy!

***
Writermaru pls
Smancer
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States379 Posts
March 23 2015 17:16 GMT
#2
I think these suffer from a couple issues.

First is cliche. Here is an example


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
Falling into the abyss


Here is a tip: If you’ve heard a phrase used several times in people’s speech and/or writing, then it is a cliche. These do not make for good poetry. They don't have to be as obvious as phrases like "time will tell".

By this definition there are many cliches in your poetry.

On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
sea full of sharks.


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
death's door


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
hit the ground


The problems with cliches is it doesn't us language in a new imaginative way.

Second way too much passive voice. The verbs need to be active.

Take your poem happy. Let's pick out the verbs.

On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
Do you wanna be alive?
I just wanna be happy


Ignoring the use of "wanna" the verbiage is "to be" in the first FOUR LINES. These are passive. They are not active. "To be" is not exciting or interesting.

See Here for two quick effective examples of how using more active verbs dramatically improves your writing. Also there is a nice reference while you are thinking about your lines.

Try to pick out the "You Are"s and I Am"s. Be more creative when considering a verb.

Finally, poetry should not be wordy. Poetry demands precision, and you want to say things in the best possible order with the best possible words.

Ignoring the vague imagery here (which is another thing you should work on)... which sounds better to you.

"Lies carried by the same wings torn from angels"

or

"Lies carried by torn angels' wings "


The first is too wordy. One of your objectives in poetry is to be efficient with your language. Try to be more clear and concise.

"A war fought with time is a war left truce-less"

Or

"Enduring wars finish truce-less"

Note that we are using less words, avoiding a commonly used /cliche sentence structure (a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush) and replacing the passive verb is with a more active one.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
MoltkeWarding
Profile Joined November 2003
5195 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-03-23 22:08:57
March 23 2015 21:57 GMT
#3
Does anyone feel that these are actually lyrics to emo pop?

I think that you might want a little more emotional mobility in general: go somewhere, realise something, transcend yourself. As it is, the mood is drawn out and therefore becomes dull.
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
WardiTV Weekly
11:00
WardiTV Mondays #97
IntoTheiNu 1584
WardiTV1231
Rex149
Ryung 146
CranKy Ducklings74
LiquipediaDiscussion
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
Rex 149
Ryung 146
ProTech90
SHIN 24
RushiSC 22
StarCraft: Brood War
Calm 9670
Rain 5875
Bisu 2253
Jaedong 1254
Shuttle 1220
Zeus 684
Light 548
EffOrt 499
Mini 470
BeSt 392
[ Show more ]
firebathero 362
Stork 240
ZerO 240
Snow 181
Pusan 159
PianO 134
ggaemo 131
hero 92
Sea.KH 67
Mind 64
Hyun 62
Free 59
JulyZerg 48
sorry 40
Sacsri 28
Sexy 27
Barracks 24
Killer 22
sSak 21
Terrorterran 19
Hm[arnc] 18
yabsab 16
Shine 15
zelot 14
ajuk12(nOOB) 4
Dota 2
qojqva1569
Dendi901
Gorgc389
syndereN316
Counter-Strike
byalli856
Other Games
hiko777
Lowko559
B2W.Neo428
crisheroes366
Fuzer 248
Mlord216
Liquid`VortiX198
uThermal195
Hui .130
XaKoH 112
elazer107
Mew2King99
ZerO(Twitch)20
Organizations
StarCraft: Brood War
UltimateBattle 1372
Kim Chul Min (afreeca) 6
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
[ Show 16 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• Berry_CruncH309
• CranKy Ducklings SOOP10
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
Dota 2
• C_a_k_e 1074
• WagamamaTV445
• Noizen37
League of Legends
• Nemesis3187
Upcoming Events
Monday Night Weeklies
1h 36m
Sparkling Tuna Cup
19h 36m
INu's Battles
20h 36m
Cure vs herO
ByuN vs Rogue
PiGosaur Cup
1d 9h
The PondCast
1d 19h
Kung Fu Cup
1d 20h
Patches Events
2 days
Replay Cast
2 days
CrankTV Team League
2 days
OSC
3 days
[ Show More ]
Replay Cast
3 days
Escore
3 days
CrankTV Team League
3 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Afreeca Starleague
4 days
RSL Revival
4 days
ByuN vs SHIN
Solar vs Lambo
WardiTV Summer Champion…
4 days
Afreeca Starleague
5 days
RSL Revival
5 days
Clem vs Serral
herO vs Rogue
WardiTV Summer Champion…
5 days
WardiTV Weekly
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Acropolis #4
SCTL 2026 Spring
Eternal Conflict S2 Finale

Ongoing

CSL 2026 Summer (S21)
KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3
RSL Revival: Season 6
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026

Upcoming

Escore Tournament S3: W5
ASL Season 22: Qualifier #1
ASL Season 22: Qualifier #2
Acropolis #5
CSLAN 4
ASL Season 22
Acropolis #5 - TRS
HSC XXX
SC4ALL II: StarCraft II
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
PiG Sty Festival 8.0
Light Tournament 2026
ESL Pro League Season 24
Stake Ranked Episode 4
Logitech G Connect 2026
SL StarSeries Fall 2026
FISSURE Playground #5
BLAST Open Fall 2026
Esports World Cup 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.