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[Poetry] Shadows

Blogs > Soularion
Post a Reply
Soularion
Profile Blog Joined January 2014
Canada2764 Posts
March 23 2015 04:54 GMT
#1
I. Rooftops
Out into the city lights- searching for epiphanies
Rain hits the concrete, simplest of symphonies
Streetlights, moonlight, couldn't hide from the dark.
Bit my lip to blood in a sea full of sharks.

The sun rises, the jazz swells
A heart beats like a thought dwells
Through violet skies and coast lines
Through freedom, only in cold pines

To ashes, the sugar-coated madness
And trying to forget, death's door's address
Because the sun dies - may it never rise
It always settles, it always lies

Electric soul, city lights, skyscrapers
Trying to reach heaven, on a tower of icebreakers
All I need is a rooftop...
All I need is a rooftop...


II. Lies
Pray when I hit the ground, may it not make a sound
So they'll never have to know the horror of what they found
The fake smiles are futile, happiness in vain
Life - the never-ending reign, 'til a bullet hits the vein
Better to reverse, a reign-ending 'Never'
When the presence of the next dusk bites
It doesn't matter-
I'll be honored by graffiti

When the sunshine dies-
Why does it matter? The sunshine lies.


III. Happy
Do you wanna be alive?
I just wanna be happy

I just wanna feel the rain hit my skin
I just wanna be free, saying I don't care when
But roses adorning a grave are useless
Pleasure found in the comfort of death is futile
A war fought with time is a war left truce-less
Until I'm left dust, so it'll be a while

I just wanna see the sunlight
I just wanna bask in it, the whole night

Lies carried by the same wings torn from angels
Logic of a dream and deconstructed fables
It's all spinning, set sail on a river of tears
Left the peers at piers, waste away the years
Every paper sailboat sinks, so it doesn't make sense
I know that... I know that.

Said the shadows carry dreams and not a moment worth forgetting
Said I'd never really drown, and that's a moment worth forgetting

Do you wanna be happy?
I just wanna be alive


IV. Truth
The darkness is all, encompassing the moral compass
Glassy smile sundered, the heart left to numbness
The dusk dawns, sunlight coated in midnight - the shadows
With leaves left leaping, off of the gallows
The execution, you could never deny
How sweet it would be, the last touch, the embrace
The taste upon lips, the sin-carried grace
And by the time that you met him, you'd have an answer to why

When the night dies
Why does it matter? The sunshine lies.


V. Ink
Falling into the abyss
A war- lost to a kiss
A white flag on white lies
Clouded minds but black skies

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

It's the curse, "they'll never understand"
So you don't explain, so they'll never really know
As if they'd take the time to realize the woes
The ideal is lies, bestowed upon their fellow man
Easier to say - he's not strong enough to take a stand

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

Blackness, never could swim well
Gasping for air, soon to see hell
By the time they arrive to see where I sink
They'll find me drowned, lost in my ink

Falling, falling, drowning, drowning
Nothing ever changes

--

Same usual stuff. Post any criticism you may have. Hope you enjoy!

***
Writermaru pls
Smancer
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States379 Posts
March 23 2015 17:16 GMT
#2
I think these suffer from a couple issues.

First is cliche. Here is an example


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
Falling into the abyss


Here is a tip: If you’ve heard a phrase used several times in people’s speech and/or writing, then it is a cliche. These do not make for good poetry. They don't have to be as obvious as phrases like "time will tell".

By this definition there are many cliches in your poetry.

On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
sea full of sharks.


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
death's door


On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
hit the ground


The problems with cliches is it doesn't us language in a new imaginative way.

Second way too much passive voice. The verbs need to be active.

Take your poem happy. Let's pick out the verbs.

On March 23 2015 13:54 Soularion wrote:
Do you wanna be alive?
I just wanna be happy


Ignoring the use of "wanna" the verbiage is "to be" in the first FOUR LINES. These are passive. They are not active. "To be" is not exciting or interesting.

See Here for two quick effective examples of how using more active verbs dramatically improves your writing. Also there is a nice reference while you are thinking about your lines.

Try to pick out the "You Are"s and I Am"s. Be more creative when considering a verb.

Finally, poetry should not be wordy. Poetry demands precision, and you want to say things in the best possible order with the best possible words.

Ignoring the vague imagery here (which is another thing you should work on)... which sounds better to you.

"Lies carried by the same wings torn from angels"

or

"Lies carried by torn angels' wings "


The first is too wordy. One of your objectives in poetry is to be efficient with your language. Try to be more clear and concise.

"A war fought with time is a war left truce-less"

Or

"Enduring wars finish truce-less"

Note that we are using less words, avoiding a commonly used /cliche sentence structure (a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush) and replacing the passive verb is with a more active one.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
MoltkeWarding
Profile Joined November 2003
5195 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-03-23 22:08:57
March 23 2015 21:57 GMT
#3
Does anyone feel that these are actually lyrics to emo pop?

I think that you might want a little more emotional mobility in general: go somewhere, realise something, transcend yourself. As it is, the mood is drawn out and therefore becomes dull.
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