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I think I'm going to make it. I was going to wait until my unban appeal was lifted, but this is something that definitely needs to be done in the moment, as I've finally accomplished... something or other. Or at least have made the first step in not dying. Thank the lord I still have this smurf laying around.
Regarding my hasty farewell and my hastier return, I was going to kill myself and wanted to leave TL on a happy note. You know, be fondly remembered while I go and enjoy my not-life. The truth is, I've been feeling really down for the last few months, and all the exciting shit I've been trying to do in and out of college has left me mentally burned out and feeling even more depressed as a result.
It's not even being sad that's getting to me. I don't really have anything to be sad about. Envious? Yes. Lonely? Definitely. I can't actually write any music whatsoever unless I'm completely isolated leaving nothing in my head but my own silence, and maybe a bit of hopelessness to really get the creativity flowing. The problem is that the more you get into that, the more you distance yourself from others.
But not actually sad. It's more tired, I feel. Like you went hiking in the Grand Canyon and got all the way to the bottom, except now you're tired, it's a few thousand feet up to anything resembling civilization, you're out of water, there's a couple of snakes sizing you up from behind that rock you stumbled across, and the only thing you want to do is to throw yourself into the river, hope you land on a rock. And go to sleep forever. And then all will be well. Who doesn't like a nice nap?
It's more of the feeling that no matter if you sleep eleven or twelve hours a day, you still feel tired and groggy. Partially because every ten seconds or so there's an equally groggy voice in the back of your head that says "do it faggot" and you have to expend what little energy you have into shutting the little bastard up.
And there's always the thoughts I use about how my family would be ten times as devastated as I could ever be (which still holds true! that thought has kept me alive more than anything else) I think I realized a few things when I tried to make a noose with my shirt:
1. There wasn't any place on the ceiling to hang the fucking thing anyway.
2. I've always wanted to die fistfighting a bear. I didn't see any bears in the room.
3. When I remembered about the bear I've always wanted to fight, I realized there was actually a whole laundry list of stupid shit I wanted to do. With me gone, who would do all that stupid shit?
And that was the first step in putting the shirt back on myself and not around my neck.
This isn't the close to first time I've contemplating it. I'm not going to pretend I'm not going to at least think about the prospect in the future. But I feel a lot more alive than I did 24 hours ago, and even moreso than any of the last three months. I've had attempts at therapy before, but the problem is that I start to wall myself off, mainly because they're paid to be concerned. It's like how Chris Farley paid hookers to hang out with him in his final days.
But it's definitely the lows that make the highs even higher. I don't regret anything I've done for the last three months because at the very least, I can always look back to this point and say either, "I've felt worse than I do right now, I can deal with this", or "Wow, I used to be an idiot back then." It lowers the average to make everything else feel good by comparison.
As it stands right now, I'm still going to kill myself, but when I'm very old. I've always wanted to die on my own terms and subscribe to the "hurry up and die" rationale. This is a thought I've had for a while now and it's completely unrelated to any mental issue, simply a personal philosophy.
But otherwise, that's it. I'm here to stay. After I bookmark this for future reading when I get into a similar rut or burnout, in an emergencies folder with some other goodies. And I couldn't let everyone else think I was out having fun all by myself.
Hello again,
-[UoN]Sentinel
  
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YOU SON OF A BITCH!
You can't just go an kill yourself and leave all your family behind! I never wrote your eulogy, and I don't plan to!
SENTEL! I try not to let it on. but I've been fairly depressed lately too. Suicide is a recurring thought, but I can't do it. I couldn't put my family through that. I live for them. I missed the part at first, but it looks like you're the same. There are people that care about you and wouldn't want to lose you, and you live more for their sake than your own. Fine. Same boat here. Don't do anything that you won't be able to take back, Sentel.
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United States10328 Posts
Good to hear you talked yourself out of it... but go see a mental health professional!! Yes, they're "paid to be concerned," but being able to talk about it (as you did in this blog) is incredibly helpful. You have a long life ahead of you, one where things won't always be as bad as they seem now. Chin up 
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On October 06 2014 15:59 town wrote:
But it's definitely the lows that make the highs even higher.
don't get caught in that cycle.
higher self esteem makes the highs even higher
and the lows are also higher
high self esteem is the immune system of consciousness.
raise your self esteem and many of the issues you discuss go away.
http://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462
self esteem is the reputation you acquire with yourself.
blowing kisses to yourself in the mirror won't do it.
its about actions not words.
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Hey, if you need any help with your stupid list, pm me! I love doing stupid things for the sake of it, and even better if it's on someone's list of things to do while here.
Anyway, I always moved away that kind of thoughts when my family (especially me dog... sounds stupid but yeah...) or people I cared about came into my head.
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On October 06 2014 15:59 town wrote:
I've had attempts at therapy before, but the problem is that I start to wall myself off, mainly because they're paid to be concerned. It's like how Chris Farley paid hookers to hang out with him in his final days.
Yes, they are paid to be concerned. But how is that a problem for you? I mean, if you break your leg, you'll go to the hospital and you'll have to pay all the people that took care of you. Does that mean that these people didn't give a shit about your sufferings and the fact that your leg was broken? No, absolutely not. It's the same for mental health professionnals.
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I still never got a facebook reply <3 the man with the purple bedazzled sunglasses
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East Gorteau22261 Posts
If you ever want someone faceless to talk to over the internet, let me know. I'm not a professional (yet) but I'm always willing to help out if you feel like it'd be beneficial.
Good to have you back
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Regarding paid professionals, yes - they probably do care, which is why they went into that profession. But nevertheless subconsciously it seems very artificial to me. r/SuicideWatch has actually been amazing - even reading all the stories of success and whatnot has felt a lot more legitimate than any actual medical help, although I feel like if this problem ever becomes unmanageable I have nearby resources to turn to. But seeing people give their ups and downs, unsolicited, is a much more impacting aid than anything else.
On October 06 2014 19:26 JimmyJRaynor wrote:Show nested quote +On October 06 2014 15:59 town wrote:
But it's definitely the lows that make the highs even higher. don't get caught in that cycle. higher self esteem makes the highs even higher and the lows are also higher high self esteem is the immune system of consciousness. raise your self esteem and many of the issues you discuss go away. http://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462self esteem is the reputation you acquire with yourself. blowing kisses to yourself in the mirror won't do it. its about actions not words.
I've actually been reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which does a lot for self-esteem once it ends up working out in your favor. Even when you're in an environment when you're surrounded by assholes, managing to slog it through is an intrinsic reward on its own.
On October 07 2014 03:00 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
I still never got a facebook reply <3 the man with the purple bedazzled sunglasses
Never bothered to check the "other messages" tab, whoops xD it's so well hidden. But I did just see your message as well as drav's.
On October 07 2014 04:14 Zealously wrote:
If you ever want someone faceless to talk to over the internet, let me know. I'm not a professional (yet) but I'm always willing to help out if you feel like it'd be beneficial.
Good to have you back
Glad to know!
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While your reasons for living are good. I think if you've attempted suicide its always a good idea to talk to a therapist or a psychologist. Not because you need mending, but because its good to reflect on what happened, why you felt like you needed to be in that position, etc. It can be a very helpful experience I find.
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I'm glad to hear you are resisting the urge to commit suicide but please find a medical professional to discuss it with. Always keep in contact with your personal friends and family and if you ever need an outlet TL is here for you. Stay strong Sentinel, you can't go just yet.
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Why would you commit suicide when you could just smoke weed?
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On October 07 2014 09:00 kushm4sta wrote:
Why would you commit suicide when you could just smoke weed?
Because weed makes you stupid. It's called "dope" for a reason.
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On October 07 2014 09:00 kushm4sta wrote:
Why would you commit suicide when you could just smoke weed?
Tried that, doesn't really work. In fact it only makes you feel worse a lot of the time.
I can only say I really do understand and am very glad to see that you are seeing a lot more clearly now.I felt very much the same way like a month ago, and it's a scary place to be. I hope you can get some help, councillors or something. Or talk to me if you want, I get where your coming from very much.
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I'll be fine. I can believe myself when I say that now
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On October 07 2014 09:51 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2014 09:00 kushm4sta wrote:
Why would you commit suicide when you could just smoke weed? Because weed makes you stupid. It's called "dope" for a reason.
There goes the majority of my sympathy (not that his was a good suggestion, but saying this is just ignorant). Still, I hope you feel better.
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On October 07 2014 10:15 Sero wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2014 09:51 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On October 07 2014 09:00 kushm4sta wrote:
Why would you commit suicide when you could just smoke weed? Because weed makes you stupid. It's called "dope" for a reason. There goes the majority of my sympathy (not that his was a good suggestion, but saying this is just ignorant). Still, I hope you feel better.
I used to smoke weed, and that's exactly what it did to me. If not stupid, then at least sluggish and lethargic.
There's so many better alternatives.
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TLADT24920 Posts
Good to have you back. Honestly, I think some counseling would be very beneficial so long as you work on opening up. You're assuming that they are paid to be concerned when that doesn't mean its the case and I'm sure listening to people day in and day out is exhausting in itself. At the same time, it also sounds like you need a really close friend that understands you. Someone that you can talk to, open up to and who will also give you some space when you want to just make music and do stuff.
Depression is hard stuff. The first step is recognizing that it's something that you don't want. The second one is to seek help and work hard to overcome it. Once you manage to overcome it just a bit and have more happiness, you'll likely get more motivated and such. Anyways, that's what I think at least. Seek some professional help and find that special friend if that helps you when you are having those lows.
ps I dunno what it's like down there but I'm sure there are call centers like up here where it's 24/7 confidential lines. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone (other than TL or family/friends), don't be afraid to give them a call and just reduce the stress level. Best of luck! TL is always here ^^
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Suicide hotline was pretty trite to be honest. Definitely do have the close friends though.
The multiple clients makes it moreso, in my opinion. Yes, they've dealt with everything under the sun, but I still haven't felt that connection be made in my experience with therapy.
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TLADT24920 Posts
On October 07 2014 11:27 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Suicide hotline was pretty trite to be honest. Definitely do have the close friends though.
The multiple clients makes it moreso, in my opinion. Yes, they've dealt with everything under the sun, but I still haven't felt that connection be made in my experience with therapy.
hmm well, I've volunteered at one of those centers before (wasn't just suicide though, pretty much everything under the sun lol). I can tell you that you establish that connection once you've called enough time. Calling once is good and obviously only call when you really need it but with multiple calls, you'll eventually speak to the same people who will know the story so you don't need to explain and can just get them updated (and chat casually to let stress and frustrations out). That's my take at least.
I could be wrong since I've never done therapy before but it's all about your mindset. If your main thought is that these people are paid to be concerned etc... it's only natural that you won't develop a relationship or a connection of any kind because you seem them as just doing this because it pays (not caring for you, only money). There are people, rather therapist who are really doing this because they love to help people with these things. My advice is to just drop your guard when it comes to therapy. Realize that their main goal is to have you functioning as best as possible and that they aren't just talking to you because it pays (even if it does lol).
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EPT
