Apparently she just had a mental breakdown after seeing the car lose all signs of life and now I'm stuck consoling her while help arrives(called by yours truly because it's hard to make calls through a fountain of tears). 5 minutes away from home, yet I can't go because I'm a good big brother .
Side notes:apparently a lot of people have better stuff to do than help stranded motorist with hood popped. Been sitting here for about 30 minutes now without a single person coming to ask if we needed help. This is on a fairly busy street too. At least I managed to find somebody to come help. Probably another 15 minutes of sitting here and I'll be free to leave.
Update: Apparently battery/ignition system is all but dead at this point, ended up just using the jump to close the windows so we could lock it and go home. She did leave it in a residential park zone so no worries on that front. Probably will end up having to get it towed to a shop if alternative measures fail tomorrow.