EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ilomV5X.png)
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You can trust me because I have experience on this matter. I've shat in 37* US states and have the goal of one day making that number 50. I've gone on many different adventures and have recounted many toilet tales.
But the public toilets in Ohio and Indiana are something I'd never expect in any bathroom open to the public. I would leave all my shits on Interstate 80 in Ohio and/or Indiana if I could, but alas, I cannot.
So why are they the ultimate creation of the toilet gods? Let me count the ways:
1. Modern
There is no better way to shit than shit into the future. I'm willing to bet all of the bathrooms I visited on both Interstate 80 West and on my return down Interstate 80 East, all of them have been constructed after 2000.
Do you know how it feels to look around while your colon contracts in various ways, and see clean stalls with little graffiti, coated in shining purple paint so clear that you can see your own reflection on the stall door? Toilets built for the Modern American, meaning I don't have to pray to the toilet gods that it doesn't clog, knowing that the engineers of Whoever-the-Hell-Builds-These-Service-Areas, Inc. (or if it's more than one company, they all hire the same goddamn architect) have built this toilet to suit the breadth of my man-shits?
It feels amazing. You relax and feel right at home.
2. Empty
Why Ohio and Indiana? I-80 goes all the way east to the glorious city-state of New Jersey, why not shit closer to home?
Because New Jersey has a fuckton of people. It's the most densely populated state in the nation, because pretty much anyone that doesn't fit into New York City ends up here instead.
But in the rolling plains of Indiana, where your average farming community has a population of 4 (plus about a half-dozen cows), you can be assured that there are no people to encroach on your space. There will never be a line to the bathroom. In fact, there are enough toilets that all four farmers, and all six cows, could probably used them at the same time and there would still be enough space for me.
That's efficiency.
You can shit knowing that nobody is around to hear you other than the people who work at the service area, and that's okay because they're paid not to listen to you.
3. Swing State
Moreso Ohio than Indiana, but I guess it's ultimately the entire area in some way or other.
There are many states with few people: Utah is a prominent example. Why would I award the gold standard to the toilets on I-80 in Ohio and Indiana instead of the toilets on I-70 in Utah?
Because the restrooms of I-80 in Ohio and Indiana don't have a television right outside in the corridor, blasting Fox News at full volume, leaving you unable to either concentrate or space out as the situation demands. There is a time and place for fair and balanced news coverage. Poop coming out of your asshole does not qualify for such a time and place.
Utah is a red state surrounded by many other red states. Meanwhile in Ohio it's about 50-50, even though the farming communities tend to lean Republican. This is good because they won't blast Fox News at full volume, because half of the customers will complain. The asses that sit on Ohio's toilets tend to come from Ohio.
4. Convenient
While we're on the subject of Utah, it is unacceptable to have a 110-mile stretch of road without a place to eat or a place to shit. You have to do all your eating and shitting beforehand or else you have to wait for 2 hours. That's not customer-friendly.
The views on said stretch are pants-shittingly gorgeous, too. So it's a double whammy.
Meanwhile, the 400-ish miles of highway in Ohio and Indiana have dozens upon dozens of service areas, punctuated by Ohio's generic cities where you could probably find a Denny's not too far away if you looked at the signs. That's service. That's convenience.
And you'll always look at the signs because in that part of the country there's nothing else interesting to look at.
So in final conclusion, I bestow the Gold Standard Award of Toiletry and Other Miscellanea to the Ohio-Indiana stretch of Interstate 80.
*to do: Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oregon, South Dakota, Washington, Wyoming
