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Are on Interstate 80. Specifically this region:
You can trust me because I have experience on this matter. I've shat in 37* US states and have the goal of one day making that number 50. I've gone on many different adventures and have recounted many toilet tales.
But the public toilets in Ohio and Indiana are something I'd never expect in any bathroom open to the public. I would leave all my shits on Interstate 80 in Ohio and/or Indiana if I could, but alas, I cannot.
So why are they the ultimate creation of the toilet gods? Let me count the ways:
1. Modern
There is no better way to shit than shit into the future. I'm willing to bet all of the bathrooms I visited on both Interstate 80 West and on my return down Interstate 80 East, all of them have been constructed after 2000.
Do you know how it feels to look around while your colon contracts in various ways, and see clean stalls with little graffiti, coated in shining purple paint so clear that you can see your own reflection on the stall door? Toilets built for the Modern American, meaning I don't have to pray to the toilet gods that it doesn't clog, knowing that the engineers of Whoever-the-Hell-Builds-These-Service-Areas, Inc. (or if it's more than one company, they all hire the same goddamn architect) have built this toilet to suit the breadth of my man-shits?
It feels amazing. You relax and feel right at home.
2. Empty
Why Ohio and Indiana? I-80 goes all the way east to the glorious city-state of New Jersey, why not shit closer to home?
Because New Jersey has a fuckton of people. It's the most densely populated state in the nation, because pretty much anyone that doesn't fit into New York City ends up here instead.
But in the rolling plains of Indiana, where your average farming community has a population of 4 (plus about a half-dozen cows), you can be assured that there are no people to encroach on your space. There will never be a line to the bathroom. In fact, there are enough toilets that all four farmers, and all six cows, could probably used them at the same time and there would still be enough space for me.
That's efficiency.
You can shit knowing that nobody is around to hear you other than the people who work at the service area, and that's okay because they're paid not to listen to you.
3. Swing State
Moreso Ohio than Indiana, but I guess it's ultimately the entire area in some way or other.
There are many states with few people: Utah is a prominent example. Why would I award the gold standard to the toilets on I-80 in Ohio and Indiana instead of the toilets on I-70 in Utah?
Because the restrooms of I-80 in Ohio and Indiana don't have a television right outside in the corridor, blasting Fox News at full volume, leaving you unable to either concentrate or space out as the situation demands. There is a time and place for fair and balanced news coverage. Poop coming out of your asshole does not qualify for such a time and place.
Utah is a red state surrounded by many other red states. Meanwhile in Ohio it's about 50-50, even though the farming communities tend to lean Republican. This is good because they won't blast Fox News at full volume, because half of the customers will complain. The asses that sit on Ohio's toilets tend to come from Ohio.
4. Convenient
While we're on the subject of Utah, it is unacceptable to have a 110-mile stretch of road without a place to eat or a place to shit. You have to do all your eating and shitting beforehand or else you have to wait for 2 hours. That's not customer-friendly.
The views on said stretch are pants-shittingly gorgeous, too. So it's a double whammy.
Meanwhile, the 400-ish miles of highway in Ohio and Indiana have dozens upon dozens of service areas, punctuated by Ohio's generic cities where you could probably find a Denny's not too far away if you looked at the signs. That's service. That's convenience.
And you'll always look at the signs because in that part of the country there's nothing else interesting to look at.
So in final conclusion, I bestow the Gold Standard Award of Toiletry and Other Miscellanea to the Ohio-Indiana stretch of Interstate 80.
*to do: Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oregon, South Dakota, Washington, Wyoming
 
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tl.net's leading toilet connoisseur has spoken
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I like your toilet rating categories, can you make a list 1-10 list for us?
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You always post the best shit.
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United States23455 Posts
Alaska toilets I do not recommend although I know I will not sway your from your quest to experience all 50. Better off shitting in the great outdoors of AK
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You must be the protege of Costanza.
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this is one good informative shit blog. 5*
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can we get some photos of the gold standards?
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On April 19 2014 13:23 ninazerg wrote:
You always post the best shit.
No shit. hahaha
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5/5 would follow this route
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Couldn't you have taken some photographs?
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United States24613 Posts
I think my favorite part is the medal hanging from the toilet.
My least favorite part is the description of why NJ is so crowded.
And yea, 100+ miles with no stops really sucks.
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On April 19 2014 13:12 Disregard wrote:
I like your toilet rating categories, can you make a list 1-10 list for us?
1. I-80 Indiana
2. I-80 Ohio
3. US-13 Virginia
4. A Walmart around the Norfolk area, not too sure which one (could be all of them)
5. I-70 Utah
6. I-40 New Mexico (the ones without the poisonous snakes outside
7. Las Vegas Strip (very convenient and nice bathrooms, but way too many people)
8. Charlotte Douglas International Airport (very good service, the cleaning guy gives you free mints)
9. Anything in Sandy Hook, NJ (close to home, probably the best bathrooms on the shore)
10. US-95 Nevada
On April 19 2014 13:42 Darkhorse wrote:
Alaska toilets I do not recommend although I know I will not sway your from your quest to experience all 50. Better off shitting in the great outdoors of AK
As long as it's shit, it counts. Although I do want to at least see what you mean.
On April 19 2014 15:27 rabidch wrote:
can we get some photos of the gold standards?
No professional photography allowed in the restrooms, I'm afraid
On April 19 2014 21:25 micronesia wrote:
I think my favorite part is the medal hanging from the toilet.
My least favorite part is the description of why NJ is so crowded.
And yea, 100+ miles with no stops really sucks.
That's really the reason why NJ is so crowded though. Being in between NYC and Philadelphia and getting the spillover from both.
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Johto4908 Posts
I'm at a chess tournament right now, and all these players are right next to me, and because of you, i just laughed my ass of so hard that all of them are looking at me like they would look at some weird creeper ^^
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ALLEYCAT BLUES49650 Posts
this needs to be spotlighted.
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On April 19 2014 23:02 BLinD-RawR wrote:
this needs to be spotlighted.
Or compiled into book.
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I have oft spoke of the quality of Ohio rest stops
they are by far the best thing in the state
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Hahah so I guess good toilets are he only great thing in the Midwest? :D
Funny blog, 5/5
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On April 20 2014 03:39 vult wrote:
Hahah so I guess good toilets are he only great thing in the Midwest? :D
Funny blog, 5/5
says the california kid? or is it texas?
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
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Forgive my Canadian ignorance, but when I read the term
On April 19 2014 11:15 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Swing State
And applied it to the concept of
On April 19 2014 11:15 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
the toilet
I couldn't help but picture
+ Show Spoiler +
And I thought to myself: America really -is- the land of the free.
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Are they automatic flush or not?
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On April 20 2014 10:36 oBlade wrote:
Are they automatic flush or not?
American sanitation is primitive, they have manual flush and toilet paper
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On April 20 2014 11:25 NeuroticPsychosis wrote:American sanitation is primitive, they have manual flush and toilet paper
I don't care how you communists in Europe/Asia do it, there is no way I'm having water shoot into my ass. Paper is the ideal tool for cleaning one's asshole.
Manual flush is so you can admire your handiwork as well as deal with clogging. It's a tool of the true artist.
Shitting in an autoflush toilet is like taking a block of marble and sculpting it into a smaller block of marble.
On April 20 2014 03:39 vult wrote:
Hahah so I guess good toilets are he only great thing in the Midwest? :D
Funny blog, 5/5
The food's great all over the place. I'm a cheesaholic. And the Midwest has a lot of cheese. And fat people. They have a lot of those over there.
It's kinda interesting to go through the Midwest though and see the different geology. I've grown really accustomed to having an ocean an hour away from me to the south, and mountains an hour away from me to the north. Going to Indiana and just seeing the cornfields stretch far into the horizon in every direction is something breathtaking in its own right.
Then you get to the western part. Oklahoma's really in the Southwest, but it's a plains state nevertheless, and very different from Indiana. It's flatter, more orange, and is full of beef instead of corn. Also there's more tolls and Native Americans around.
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On April 20 2014 10:11 Staboteur wrote:Forgive my Canadian ignorance, but when I read the term And applied it to the concept of I couldn't help but picture + Show Spoiler +And I thought to myself: America really -is- the land of the free.
Technically, there's nothing stopping you from erecting one of these in the States, but if anyone catches you or if you post the pictures on the internet, you get put on a magical list where everyone in your town knows where you live, what car you drive, and what you look like, and when you meet people you have to tell them you're a pedophile.
You can also get put on this list for pissing on the streets if you're not feeling like doing a bit of DIY.
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Good read, now I know where to stop if I ever go that way.
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This is a glorious post 11/10
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On April 20 2014 10:36 oBlade wrote:
Are they automatic flush or not?
well the problem with automatic flush toilets is that + Show Spoiler +sometimes they flush when you're still sitting 
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Zero photographic evidence, but well written.
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On April 21 2014 09:11 Plansix wrote:
Zero photographic evidence, but well written.
Show nested quote +On April 19 2014 15:27 rabidch wrote:
can we get some photos of the gold standards? No professional photography allowed in the restrooms, I'm afraid
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On April 21 2014 08:30 writer22816 wrote:well the problem with automatic flush toilets is that + Show Spoiler +sometimes they flush when you're still sitting
Nobody wants a diarrhea back-splash.
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