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If you are from Germany like me just go get fucking proxtube...
So an hour ago I met my ex on the street while going back home. We broke up about two months ago on Valentine's day. (And by that I mean she told me that she wanted to fuck her previous boss and that we have nothing in common and probably no future together and then I went away.)
Anyway, I was going back home at like 4 am after having studied till then, unshaved, dressed in something that an 80's clown might have worn, and stinking of cigarettes. Then I was her walking down the street.
First of all, wtf? She doesn't even live in this city anymore!
With her was a good friend of hers. At the very least, I know that she hasn't found someone new to date and is not shagging up with random people since she is walking with him. I know for a fact that she perceives his as about as sexually attractive as an pimply 14 yo. Seeing that guy actually lifted me up a bit since I know that he is stuck in a dead-end relationship with a woman that he worships while she is simply waiting to find somebody better.
Anyway, while I looked like (and maybe even smelled like) some hobo who is still adjusting to life on the streets, she looked like, she has been cut out of magazine and placed on the streets on a saturday night to remind mere mortal women of all the flaws they have.
Turns out they have been to the birthday party of a guy who they used to study with. He is that sonnyboy kind of guy who always smiles, who always dressed like he is just about to have an interview with the partners of a top counseling firm, but is actually the worst kind of douche you can imagine - a wimp that screws around with girls with severe daddy issues and does not give a fuck about anybody else but him. At least I know that my ex hasn't (and won't) sleep with him since he doesn't fuck anything that has a BMI over 17...
Anyway, I greet them with that kind of fake smile that is usually reserved for dentists that smile at you while holding some big-ass drill that they intend to ram down your decaying teeth. The dude with the dead-end relationship extends his hand towards me and greets me with a handshake while we pretend that there is absolutely nothing wrong and certainly nothing awkward about me meeting the girl I used to fuck less than 2 months ago and that broke up with me in a fairly fucked up way on an absolutely fucked up time.
Then I turn and lean towards her to give her a hug. It ended up being the kind of hug a 12 yo prepubescent boy would give to a 12 yo girl, whose parents are best friends with his, so they are expected to hug even though the two kids are about as close as any two random strangers you could pick anywhere on the streets: He, standing on his shaking knees, tries to hide his boner while she tries to seem nice while screaming on the inside: "Get that fucking thing off me!".
So we are stading there and noone really knows what to say. Some short random sentences about them being at a party and me studying are exchanged. Then I wish them a good night and head to the nearest place I can get some beer...
Having found some peace with a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I ponder over what had just happened. I just can't understand what the fuck is wrong with me. When I was around her my knees were literally shaking! On top of that my brain decided to set my voice to the highest pitch possible... To be honest I did think about her at least for a bit every single day ever since we broke up. However, the feelings of losing something precious, I had in the beginning, slowly gave way to thoughts about how our relationship was doomed anyway. After all we had nearly nothing in common, not to mention that she was 2 years older than me and having already graduated, she is at a completely different stage of her life than me. I had thought so much about us. The final result was: Plain visually she was a 10/10 for me and there were a lot of things that I admired about her; At the same time, I simply could not imagine how we could live with eachother when sex (and consequently looks) becomes a minor part of the relationship. Our interest are about as different as possible. Her pessimistic and cold outlook on life is nearly diametrically opposed to my realistic, but extremelly romatic, view. (ed. During our relationship she actually asked me how (not what if) we would split the property and kids when we get divorced.) As a matter of fact, every time I thought about her in the past 2 weeks, I thought about all the opportunities that I now have open, and the only things I mourned about were the things I could have done differently in the past and not the things that we would miss in the future.
And still... when I unexpectedly saw her tonight, my knees were shaking (fucking for real, my knees were literally shaking!) and when I went my own way, I could not stop thinking about her! I walked home for nearly an hour and drank two beers and I thought only about her! Fuck that shit! Just a few hours ago I sincerely believed that I was completely over her. And right now, I'm sitting in front of my PC with yet another cig in my mouth, a beer on the left, a bottle of liquor on the right and I cannot make up my mind how I feel about us splitting. It's been 7 fucking weeks and I cannot decide if I should end this blog with "I finally got rid of her" or "I fucking blew the best thing that had ever happened to me..."
p.s. I greeted her with an awkward hug. When we parted she gave me a handshake - a handshake during which she pressed my hand a few times as if she was massaging it, and smiled at me. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? "I miss you."? "I have no idea how I should behave around you."? "Do not cry, you little piece of shit."?
I was just browsing 9gag to get my mind off her.
I kinda felt like this describes her very well...
I saw a fucking dark entity standing next to me once while I had sleep paralysis. I tried touching it. I tried pushing it away. I tried getting up. I couldn't do any of those. So I just said to myself: " Fuck the stupid halucination." and I went back to sleep.
A few months later I tried salvia for the first time. Being the inconsiderate, infantile moron I am I went for a dose that could send a fucking horse into delirium. You really do not know what fear is until you see a demon slicing your reality like a loaf of bread and the pieces fall into the abyss of darkness while you're trying to escape but have reached the end of the universe, so the only thing you can do is wait until the demon reaches you and sends you falling into the nothingness outside your universe.
p.s.s. I really do not feel like spell-checking this or check anything at all for that matter. Just consider this as the random ramblings of a drunk person that has noone to talk to at 6 in the morning.
p.s.s.s. At least everything else is going fairly ok for me, so the heartache is just a "minor" nuisance... I expect to be able to post a blog with my "achievements" in the next month or so.