If you are from Germany like me just go get fucking proxtube...
So an hour ago I met my ex on the street while going back home. We broke up about two months ago on Valentine's day. (And by that I mean she told me that she wanted to fuck her previous boss and that we have nothing in common and probably no future together and then I went away.) Anyway, I was going back home at like 4 am after having studied till then, unshaved, dressed in something that an 80's clown might have worn, and stinking of cigarettes. Then I was her walking down the street. First of all, wtf? She doesn't even live in this city anymore! With her was a good friend of hers. At the very least, I know that she hasn't found someone new to date and is not shagging up with random people since she is walking with him. I know for a fact that she perceives his as about as sexually attractive as an pimply 14 yo. Seeing that guy actually lifted me up a bit since I know that he is stuck in a dead-end relationship with a woman that he worships while she is simply waiting to find somebody better. Anyway, while I looked like (and maybe even smelled like) some hobo who is still adjusting to life on the streets, she looked like, she has been cut out of magazine and placed on the streets on a saturday night to remind mere mortal women of all the flaws they have. Turns out they have been to the birthday party of a guy who they used to study with. He is that sonnyboy kind of guy who always smiles, who always dressed like he is just about to have an interview with the partners of a top counseling firm, but is actually the worst kind of douche you can imagine - a wimp that screws around with girls with severe daddy issues and does not give a fuck about anybody else but him. At least I know that my ex hasn't (and won't) sleep with him since he doesn't fuck anything that has a BMI over 17... Anyway, I greet them with that kind of fake smile that is usually reserved for dentists that smile at you while holding some big-ass drill that they intend to ram down your decaying teeth. The dude with the dead-end relationship extends his hand towards me and greets me with a handshake while we pretend that there is absolutely nothing wrong and certainly nothing awkward about me meeting the girl I used to fuck less than 2 months ago and that broke up with me in a fairly fucked up way on an absolutely fucked up time. Then I turn and lean towards her to give her a hug. It ended up being the kind of hug a 12 yo prepubescent boy would give to a 12 yo girl, whose parents are best friends with his, so they are expected to hug even though the two kids are about as close as any two random strangers you could pick anywhere on the streets: He, standing on his shaking knees, tries to hide his boner while she tries to seem nice while screaming on the inside: "Get that fucking thing off me!".
So we are stading there and noone really knows what to say. Some short random sentences about them being at a party and me studying are exchanged. Then I wish them a good night and head to the nearest place I can get some beer... Having found some peace with a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I ponder over what had just happened. I just can't understand what the fuck is wrong with me. When I was around her my knees were literally shaking! On top of that my brain decided to set my voice to the highest pitch possible... To be honest I did think about her at least for a bit every single day ever since we broke up. However, the feelings of losing something precious, I had in the beginning, slowly gave way to thoughts about how our relationship was doomed anyway. After all we had nearly nothing in common, not to mention that she was 2 years older than me and having already graduated, she is at a completely different stage of her life than me. I had thought so much about us. The final result was: Plain visually she was a 10/10 for me and there were a lot of things that I admired about her; At the same time, I simply could not imagine how we could live with eachother when sex (and consequently looks) becomes a minor part of the relationship. Our interest are about as different as possible. Her pessimistic and cold outlook on life is nearly diametrically opposed to my realistic, but extremelly romatic, view. (ed. During our relationship she actually asked me how (not what if) we would split the property and kids when we get divorced.) As a matter of fact, every time I thought about her in the past 2 weeks, I thought about all the opportunities that I now have open, and the only things I mourned about were the things I could have done differently in the past and not the things that we would miss in the future. And still... when I unexpectedly saw her tonight, my knees were shaking (fucking for real, my knees were literally shaking!) and when I went my own way, I could not stop thinking about her! I walked home for nearly an hour and drank two beers and I thought only about her! Fuck that shit! Just a few hours ago I sincerely believed that I was completely over her. And right now, I'm sitting in front of my PC with yet another cig in my mouth, a beer on the left, a bottle of liquor on the right and I cannot make up my mind how I feel about us splitting. It's been 7 fucking weeks and I cannot decide if I should end this blog with "I finally got rid of her" or "I fucking blew the best thing that had ever happened to me..."
p.s. I greeted her with an awkward hug. When we parted she gave me a handshake - a handshake during which she pressed my hand a few times as if she was massaging it, and smiled at me. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? "I miss you."? "I have no idea how I should behave around you."? "Do not cry, you little piece of shit."?
I was just browsing 9gag to get my mind off her. Random thoughts:
http://9gag.com/gag/aVOBPwd I saw a fucking dark entity standing next to me once while I had sleep paralysis. I tried touching it. I tried pushing it away. I tried getting up. I couldn't do any of those. So I just said to myself: " Fuck the stupid halucination." and I went back to sleep. A few months later I tried salvia for the first time. Being the inconsiderate, infantile moron I am I went for a dose that could send a fucking horse into delirium. You really do not know what fear is until you see a demon slicing your reality like a loaf of bread and the pieces fall into the abyss of darkness while you're trying to escape but have reached the end of the universe, so the only thing you can do is wait until the demon reaches you and sends you falling into the nothingness outside your universe.
p.s.s. I really do not feel like spell-checking this or check anything at all for that matter. Just consider this as the random ramblings of a drunk person that has noone to talk to at 6 in the morning.
p.s.s.s. At least everything else is going fairly ok for me, so the heartache is just a "minor" nuisance... I expect to be able to post a blog with my "achievements" in the next month or so.
Some relationship is just really hard to get over. I have been through a lot of shit in my life but nothing come close to how life changing my last breakup was.
I remember half a year after the breakup we met again in a gathering and you reminded me of myself. Knees shaking, you question every word you have said and over think on her actions and looks.
A few months ago I met up with her just for a small catchup and everything went fine, I wasn't nervous and it was fun But it was too fun and I get all confused and depressed again.
I still dream about her occasionally and we broke up around 4 years ago and we have only dated for half a year
My advice to you is just stay away as far as possible and don't even think whether you are getting better. Just get on with your life.
Stay strong mate. A breakup is not something you beat, it's something that you have to learn to accept as it is.
You can always choose Oprah's approach. Whenever you see your ex with her friend(s), just say, pointing finger at her and others: "You go fuck yourself! You go fuck yourself! Everyone go fuck yourselves!" And just leave with dignity before anyone recovers from the shock. It is a bit childish, but I think it is too late to pretend you are good old friends, who just bumped into each other on the street.
You never fucking know true fear untill you experience sleep paralysis. Holy mother. Incredible how that stuff exists.
One year in college I was in a dark place. Constant stress, unhealthy amount of studying, unhealthy diet or no diet at all, 8+ coffees a day, frequent alcohol, 2+ packs of cigarettes a day, anxiety, panjc attacks, all that good stuff. It was 4 years ago and im still recovering from it. At that time I have experienced all sorts of "wonderfu" things during my sleep time, but mostly sleep paralysis and every night when im almost to sleep this buzz sound in my head comes and becomes louder and louder and you struggle to move and after 3mins of praying to god and strugleing you finally are able to move and the sound goes away. One time when this happened I strugled and used all my effort and I was finally able to get out of bed and stand up. It was middle of the night so I flicked the light switches only to discover none of them work. I hear i got a SMS on my phone so I reach for the phone and press the buttons but nothing happens. Everything felt distorted and wrong, heavy air, no sound. So I looked back at my bed and discovered that in the place where I sleep was some kind of a pitch black inanimate vortex-hole. I was aware having all the sleep paralysis basically and shit on a regular basis that this was one of them. But if you think that having that realisation you will not be scared you are dead wrong. The fucked up thing with sleep paralysis is that you wake up in a sensation of true terror and this purest feeling of fear I think is unreachable in normal life, and the thing is you dont even know why you have these fears once you woke up. Then after a few mins you get the grand finale and in my case it was a dark entity (like so dark that it sucks the light in itself) standing in the corner of my room staring at me. And of course you are absolutelly unable to move during the joyfull event. So after a while I am finally able to move and I cover my head and try to fall back to sleep because thats the only way I know how that ends. Back to my light switches cellphone episode (which was different because I was walking around my room, wasnt terrified and no entities). So im looking at this vortex thing and I hear more SMS on my phone arrived. I try reading them but phone wont work. Ok so I know i am probably out of my body so i lay down in bed in the vortex thing and as soon as I lay down i "wake up". I try flickig the lights and they work now and read the messages on my phone finally which were from my gf. I did not sleep that night offcourse being scared of going to bed. This experience is kinda lame when i put it in words but it stood out the most for me for some reason. I never took drugs in my life as i feel thats kinda important to note.
I had experiences which were good too.
Oh ya and those are not dreams if you think im deluded.
I dont feel like I have anything to add on your girl story. Its normal we all experience that sort of stuff.
Unrelated to the girl story (hang in there dude) I also had a sleep paralysis episode once which didn't scare me, but instead gave me a strange feeling I can't explain. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and hot as hell. This was the first time I had this sensation. I didn't understand. Then suddenly I hear a huge, gigantic roar in both my ears, as if someone used a yamato cannon to beat a drum. The sound lifted me into the air for a second, and when I fell down, I regained control over my limbs and buried my head under my pillow to hide from the sound.
That same night, I was dreaming of something I cannot recall. At the very end of the dream, I heard a voice telling me "you're going to wake up, and nothing will be real" and as soon as the voice finished the sentence, I woke up.
By your brief description of her it sounds best for you that this ran its course, and while you should value the things that passed between you, it doesn't define you and you can definitely find someone better who is capable of caring on a deeper level. I understand incompatibility despite mutual attraction, and it's very confusing and not so fun. Having a visceral reaction like shaking knees is totally normal for an emotional incident, that shouldn't bother you. And fuck valentine's day, seriously.
On March 30 2014 19:19 NukeD wrote: You never fucking know true fear untill you experience sleep paralysis. Holy mother. Incredible how that stuff exists.
One year in college I was in a dark place. Constant stress, unhealthy amount of studying, unhealthy diet or no diet at all, 8+ coffees a day, frequent alcohol, 2+ packs of cigarettes a day, anxiety, panjc attacks, all that good stuff. It was 4 years ago and im still recovering from it. At that time I have experienced all sorts of "wonderfu" things during my sleep time, but mostly sleep paralysis and every night when im almost to sleep this buzz sound in my head comes and becomes louder and louder and you struggle to move and after 3mins of praying to god and strugleing you finally are able to move and the sound goes away. One time when this happened I strugled and used all my effort and I was finally able to get out of bed and stand up. It was middle of the night so I flicked the light switches only to discover none of them work. I hear i got a SMS on my phone so I reach for the phone and press the buttons but nothing happens. Everything felt distorted and wrong, heavy air, no sound. So I looked back at my bed and discovered that in the place where I sleep was some kind of a pitch black inanimate vortex-hole. I was aware having all the sleep paralysis basically and shit on a regular basis that this was one of them. But if you think that having that realisation you will not be scared you are dead wrong. The fucked up thing with sleep paralysis is that you wake up in a sensation of true terror and this purest feeling of fear I think is unreachable in normal life, and the thing is you dont even know why you have these fears once you woke up. Then after a few mins you get the grand finale and in my case it was a dark entity (like so dark that it sucks the light in itself) standing in the corner of my room staring at me. And of course you are absolutelly unable to move during the joyfull event. So after a while I am finally able to move and I cover my head and try to fall back to sleep because thats the only way I know how that ends. Back to my light switches cellphone episode (which was different because I was walking around my room, wasnt terrified and no entities). So im looking at this vortex thing and I hear more SMS on my phone arrived. I try reading them but phone wont work. Ok so I know i am probably out of my body so i lay down in bed in the vortex thing and as soon as I lay down i "wake up". I try flickig the lights and they work now and read the messages on my phone finally which were from my gf. I did not sleep that night offcourse being scared of going to bed. This experience is kinda lame when i put it in words but it stood out the most for me for some reason. I never took drugs in my life as i feel thats kinda important to note.
I had experiences which were good too.
Oh ya and those are not dreams if you think im deluded.
I dont feel like I have anything to add on your girl story. Its normal we all experience that sort of stuff.
this is absolutely creepy because the exact same things happened to me during dark entity sleep paralysis. Just before I went into dream phase I felt like something wasn't right in my room, it felt incredibly dark every time and every time I could feel like something bad is going to happen. Then I either had some weird hyper-realistic dreams in which I had a realization it was a dream, or that I directly went into sleep paralysis by accident.
It was february last year for two weeks consecutively. Every time it happened, I had a buzzing sound in my head as if it there was a bunch of mosquitoes flying around me but none were actually there. At first it was just the ordinary paralysis but then ... _it_ started appearing, the dark entity that you described. I could feel the eerie malevolent presence in the corner of my room even without looking at it. It was an absolutely terrifying feeling and it's not just a shock like in horror movies, it's actually constant for 1-2 minutes. Lights did not work, I couldn't move anything else than my head, and in blink of an eye the entity went from the corner of my room to standing next to me and grabbing me on a random body part (arms). I could actually feel the hand being touched after I woke up from fear. In another experience I actually fought the sleep paralysis and tried to wake up from bed to turn the light on, but I was stopped by the entity which didn't allow me to stand up and then 'reset' the dream back to when I was lying down - this happened 5-10 times inside a single dream. In another occasion, I coated myself with bedsheet before I saw the entity but it did not matter, I could still feel the presence standing right beside my bed and immediately tried to terminate the dream with whatever I could in my mind. Hell, I even prayed for jesus which I've done like one time in my life.
After that I gained some courage and forced myself to meet this state of nightmare again and this time I had out of body experience where I overlooked the entity that was looking at the sleeping me in bed and tried to turn on light (which didn't work. This is where things get interesting because the dark mass detected the out-of-body me so I grabbed his arm and with that it just vanished, but not before I could see the face. It was one of those faces you see in the ring, so the dark mass was practically a her. Since then I've never had a nightmare again.
But that chain of events shocked me so hard I couldn't sleep without full room light for 6 months. At least my parents understood and didn't think I was crazy.
Yeah that is basically what happened to me but the thing never came close to me or touched me. Also I see you refer to it as a dream, but I definitelly wouldnt call it a dream because I know I was awake. I've had a lot of luci dreams too so I know it wasnt one of those.
In my case the entity went away for good after one night I had a dream (this time it was definitelly a dream) where in my dream I went for a witch hunt on this entity and "banished" it from my life.
I was also trying to have those experinces again because I feel if you want to go deep in your own spirituallity this is the place to go, as in the "astral plane". But whenever In able to reach the buzzing and the vibrations (for which the internet says is the first phase) I chicken out and wake up.
The best experience I had was a spontaneous one when I so deeply lost in my toughts that at one point i had an epiphany. I was able to see everything from a different perspective. I found myself in a huge empty space and i was surrounded by stars. What I ecperinced from there is something I am trying to experience again for the past years but unsuccessfully.
EPT
