EPTI joined TL around 2008. I originally lurked, then created an account, then made another one, and that's this account. In a weird way, its been a mainstay of my young life. I stopped coming by with any regularity around this time last year, for no particular reason, and now I'm here again.
It feels really horribly silly to look at my post history in the light that a little time gives it. I think a lot of you might feel the same, especially if you go back a few years. I once asked my father if that 2-3 year gap that makes everything you did look horribly stupid and overly loud ever stops coming up; maybe when you reach your late 50's you start to look at the younger self with pride instead of shame. He said the gap just gets bigger. You feel like you were an idiot 10 years ago, instead of 2.
I think I'm writing here because TL is comforting. Just seeing the layout calms me down a little bit, and the fact that there's still a number of players streaming brood war brings me an immense sense of comfort. Having Shuttle's stream open in another tab and hearing Protoss music and unit responses while I write this is like cuddling up in a blanket that smells like her. Or maybe it just smells like me, like my hair and skin. And that's good enough. A dragoon warps in and I wiggle my toes deeper into the cocoon I've wrapped around myself. A zergling gnaws at the shields of a forge wall and the clock ticks a little slower as I start to sink. My goodness.
I've been studying computer science at McGill here in Montreal. It's rewarding, but only through a pinhole. If you pull back too much and think about what you're doing, and how the profs regard you, and just how expensive and exhausting of a pursuit it is, and how valuable a degree will be, it's a sad picture.
I've been playing pretty seriously with a local band. Montreal has a great local music scene. Its been an incredible experience. We're finishing a new EP and have plans to play a handful of shows in the states and Europe this Summer. Things have been looking astonishingly positive considering how young and ridiculous we all are. We just got booked as an opening band at a show being promoted by one of the biggest media companies in the country. Three days from now. It's nothing, but at the same time, it's so, so much.
I've never felt so stressed or fulfilled or totally lacking in all my life. I feel like I'll never have time to do everything I want to do in the next few months. School, work, the band, and making time for her. I don't see how it could all come into place. I can't give the band 100% if I'm cramming for quizzes and meeting regularly for team projects. I'm certainly not giving my job all the effort I could. And if I sacrifice my grades for more time with music, that puts any hope of falling back onto academia at risk. Even if I devoted myself fully to any of these things, I'm not sure it would be enough, which is the truly scary bit.
I haven't been coping with the stress well. Sleep's not coming easily (even when I find a good amount of time for it), and I've been smoking too much and not eating enough. Sometimes it feels so great though. Take your amphetamines and coffee and smoke by the window, then pound away at school work for 6 or 8 hours. Sleeping and eating are these far-away things and you can just work and its okay for a bit. But not really, right?
If nothing else, spending time with my girlfriend makes a lot of sense. We've been seeing each-other a few months now and its been amazing. Life changing. She's incredibly patient, beautiful, intelligent, playful and knowing. I think shes in love with me. I think I'm in love with her too. I've never been in love. I don't know what it's like. I'm afraid to tell her- if its not true, if I'm telling her what she wants to hear, if I don't really know what I'm saying. Sometimes it feels like its going to burst out of me when we're together. Some nights I notice these "perfect" and beautiful times to tell her, but I don't, because- I don't know. Maybe fear, maybe it's just not there yet.
Now I've spent an hour here and it feels nice. I'm going to look at some math work. Thanks TL.
but seriously, you should use it to your advantage wherever possible. I'm only in high school, so I can't really empathize with college stress, I can only say I'm sorry that it's so shitty. As for the lady, I'm no expert by any means when it comes to women, but I don't think you should be afraid to say I love you. If you're confident about the way you feel and the way she feels, it could be really nice and possibly even make your relationship better. When everything seems like going to shit it's nice to be able to call on that one person you know is always there for you. Best of luck to you and your band, and hopefully you'll find a way to deal with all the stress and maybe someday find some more time to indulge the nostalgia you have of TL 
