After being "depressed" (I'm disgusted by this word) for many years with zero incentive to do anything in life, I finally resumed my reach into sports and picked badminton to be my reason for living. I started way later than everyone else, but I didn't care much about the levels of others. I was just set on becoming the best player I could be, the strongest version of myself (as Elliott likes to say). So many hindrances during the way, the most severe one being my lower legs. Elliott says you shouldn't treat your injuries and failures as evil things, rather you should welcome them as they are the motivation to grow even stronger and become a better person. But I'm really starting to lose my passion, the burden has become too much to bear.
I've battled my shins for almost 4 years now, I won't bore anyone with all the details of rehabilitation and lack of progress.
Imagine being in a state where every jump you make, every explosive movement will make you cringe with intense pain. It doesn't matter if you run 10 meter to the bus or play badminton for 4 hours or skip some rope, it's always there. Biting, aching. Imagine training almost every day for 4 years while your body is forcing you to become less explosive, less intensive and even change your movement pattern so that in reaction other muscles become fucked up as well. As a result of my lower leg pain and trying to work around it, my core muscles won't function properly, my left hip is immobile and my left knee is weak. I can barely walk properly anymore. I can't raise myself from the floor without some serious help. My PT jokingly likes to say my body is like a 80 year old female.
That's the physical side of it. The mental side of it is much worse - I can almost sympathize with people with chronic back pain and similar issues. Imagine getting stabbed with a knife every time you try to make your body move. Imagine that being the same for every moment every day every year with no light at the end of the tunnel. You can't convince yourself you are enjoying what you're doing in the moment as your body is so hostile to just the idea of moving. You're even experiencing discomfort at the thought of moving. In long term it is so frustrating and disheartening having to force yourself the hardest you can just in order to show up.
I'm hostile to the idea of painkillers/NSAID during training (there are many reasons for this), but I cheated once last week during training session and it felt so amazing. Like there is a heaven. I had almost forgot what it felt like.
I'm not very serious about life in general, I realize this post comes off as very serious and whiny. I don't care about my job at all, it's just my method to meet the minimum requirement to eat and live healthy. I don't really give a shit about coworkers, friends, love life or family or how they think about how I appear or live my life. I won't live past 30, I will never be successful in the eyes of society, I will never have a girlfriend or even a close friend. I'm honestly satisfied with all of this, if I can have my body at least in usable shape for these few years. What is the point of all of this resistance? What do I do in order to keep myself from losing hope? Ugh.