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I won't make this too abstract.
After being "depressed" (I'm disgusted by this word) for many years with zero incentive to do anything in life, I finally resumed my reach into sports and picked badminton to be my reason for living. I started way later than everyone else, but I didn't care much about the levels of others. I was just set on becoming the best player I could be, the strongest version of myself (as Elliott likes to say). So many hindrances during the way, the most severe one being my lower legs. Elliott says you shouldn't treat your injuries and failures as evil things, rather you should welcome them as they are the motivation to grow even stronger and become a better person. But I'm really starting to lose my passion, the burden has become too much to bear.
I've battled my shins for almost 4 years now, I won't bore anyone with all the details of rehabilitation and lack of progress.
Imagine being in a state where every jump you make, every explosive movement will make you cringe with intense pain. It doesn't matter if you run 10 meter to the bus or play badminton for 4 hours or skip some rope, it's always there. Biting, aching. Imagine training almost every day for 4 years while your body is forcing you to become less explosive, less intensive and even change your movement pattern so that in reaction other muscles become fucked up as well. As a result of my lower leg pain and trying to work around it, my core muscles won't function properly, my left hip is immobile and my left knee is weak. I can barely walk properly anymore. I can't raise myself from the floor without some serious help. My PT jokingly likes to say my body is like a 80 year old female.
That's the physical side of it. The mental side of it is much worse - I can almost sympathize with people with chronic back pain and similar issues. Imagine getting stabbed with a knife every time you try to make your body move. Imagine that being the same for every moment every day every year with no light at the end of the tunnel. You can't convince yourself you are enjoying what you're doing in the moment as your body is so hostile to just the idea of moving. You're even experiencing discomfort at the thought of moving. In long term it is so frustrating and disheartening having to force yourself the hardest you can just in order to show up.
I'm hostile to the idea of painkillers/NSAID during training (there are many reasons for this), but I cheated once last week during training session and it felt so amazing. Like there is a heaven. I had almost forgot what it felt like.
I'm not very serious about life in general, I realize this post comes off as very serious and whiny. I don't care about my job at all, it's just my method to meet the minimum requirement to eat and live healthy. I don't really give a shit about coworkers, friends, love life or family or how they think about how I appear or live my life. I won't live past 30, I will never be successful in the eyes of society, I will never have a girlfriend or even a close friend. I'm honestly satisfied with all of this, if I can have my body at least in usable shape for these few years. What is the point of all of this resistance? What do I do in order to keep myself from losing hope? Ugh.
 
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Why do you hate the word "depressed" so much? Just out of curiosity.
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On November 03 2013 09:25 Shauni wrote:
I. I won't live past 30,.
sorry what?
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On November 03 2013 09:40 Antylamon wrote:
Why do you hate the word "depressed" so much? Just out of curiosity.
The word is both misused and misinterpreted. I don't like mental disorder categorizations and depression is a part of it. If someone says they are depressed, people associate it so wildly based on their own experiences or friends and relatives. The word depression doesn't cover all nuances. Some people see it like a disease that can and should be cured. There was a blog on tlnet that covered up some of the common misconceptions, but I can't find it right now. Basically it's just a very numb state of mind for a long period of time where no pleasure or pain can be experienced.
I was locked in a mental ward for a long period of time without any real human interaction. One part of why I hate the word is that it was thrown around so much every day for years that I'm not me, that I'm ill and I'm going to get better. All those moralizing old caretakers without any kind of tact or connection to patients proclaiming their ignorant world view left its marks. And one of those marks is that I cringe every time I hear the word depression.
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why didnt you pick like...swimming.
I cant even walk longer distances without pain, but i can swim like 2 hours hardcore training and it does nothing to knees/legs.
Also, you decided to kill yourself at 30?
Or do you have a medical condition that put a timer on you?
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I have a medical condition timer. I probably won't make it past 40. Early death fistbump :D
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On November 03 2013 12:08 Djzapz wrote:
I have a medical condition timer. I probably won't make it past 40. Early death fistbump :D
I don't think you'll miss anything. The millenium was supposed to be amazing. Ten years later its still pretty much the same as the 90s, just a bunch of promises from crazy-man Ray Kurzweil and his singularity babble where he believes he will finally resurrect his dead dad!  . And of course terrorism and facebook. YAY.
Really the only thing that's going to happen is probably the beginning stages of global warming and some economic recessions. Its pretty depressing. I hope you guys find that a heaven of sorts exists . I'm just going to stay positive and do whatever I can.
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should just streamuu more BW imo
But yeah, why did you pick something that is so hindered by your legs? Should pick up Poker or something :D
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Why do you have intense leg pain? Have you had it looked at and tried to treat it with various remedies? Was it caused by something specifically 4 years ago or just sort of started happening and never went away?
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On November 03 2013 12:19 radscorpion9 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 03 2013 12:08 Djzapz wrote:
I have a medical condition timer. I probably won't make it past 40. Early death fistbump :D I don't think you'll miss anything. The millenium was supposed to be amazing. Ten years later its still pretty much the same as the 90s, just a bunch of promises from crazy-man Ray Kurzweil and his singularity babble where he believes he will finally resurrect his dead dad! . And of course terrorism and facebook. YAY. Really the only thing that's going to happen is probably the beginning stages of global warming and some economic recessions. Its pretty depressing. I hope you guys find that a heaven of sorts exists . I'm just going to stay positive and do whatever I can.
He'll miss the imminent demise of modernity, so there's that.
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badminton is extremely intense, my dad's knee got injured and can't really play it anymore. One hour of badminton would make him not able to move around well for the next whole day.
A sport/training regime must be planned well, you should plan it out better.
It seems you pushed on your leg works too much.
Just think about it, professional badminton player plays badminton more often than you, more intense etc.
Why are they still ok while you have all sorts of injury?
To strive for better goal, sometimes it needs a break in between and proper training schedule.
Not to mention it might be more efficient too
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On November 03 2013 12:52 Grobyc wrote:
should just streamuu more BW imo
But yeah, why did you pick something that is so hindered by your legs? Should pick up Poker or something :D
Never found enjoyment in poker, it's a bit too luck based for me to play seriously. I don't like earning money in that fashion. And I like the physical side of sports. If I didn't pick badminton I'd have wanted to pick something just as intense like muay thai. I think that sport is pretty cool.
On November 03 2013 12:59 LuckyFool wrote:
Why do you have intense leg pain? Have you had it looked at and tried to treat it with various remedies? Was it caused by something specifically 4 years ago or just sort of started happening and never went away?
Yeah, I've tried so much every off season. The injury just crept up slowly. For 4 months this summer I did bicycling and staying away from impact sport and running. Core exercises every day, leg strength, stretching, yoga, ultrasound, massage, insoles, icing, NSAID while slowly increasing intensity. Nothing really helps. I'll be getting an operation in a few months. If it doesn't relieve things I really have to quit.
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On November 03 2013 12:19 radscorpion9 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 03 2013 12:08 Djzapz wrote:
I have a medical condition timer. I probably won't make it past 40. Early death fistbump :D I don't think you'll miss anything. The millenium was supposed to be amazing. Ten years later its still pretty much the same as the 90s, just a bunch of promises from crazy-man Ray Kurzweil and his singularity babble where he believes he will finally resurrect his dead dad! . And of course terrorism and facebook. YAY.
That's one way of seeing it. But consider this, life has gotten easier with computers since the 90s and has allowed some amazing breakthroughs in sciences. People keep getting more options, e.g. if you want to study abroad, just find information on the internet. Want to learn more about something? You're no longer forced to go to some university's library. What about getting married, seeing your children grow up and getting old together? There's so much to miss out if you don't get older than 30 or 40yo. Then again there's so much to miss out if you're limiting yourself, i.e. stay at home and choose a boring life.
Either way, don't be pessimistic. Make your life count, don't throw it away. Life live.
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EPT
