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Hey TL, looking for some advice.
So there's this girl, lets call her Jennifer. Or Jen for short. Jen and I really like each other; there's no pretense between the two of us, we both care about each other a lot, and there's a strong emotional and physical attraction on both sides. We got to be really good friends (and now more than friends) over the last school year, we love spending time together and we've made out a few times, but nothing too heavy. We both would love to date, and we both think we'd be happier if we were.
There are a few problems, however. Number one, which is the lesser issue, is that she has a boyfriend. Objectively speaking, it's not a good relationship. This other guy has some anger problems, gets in a lot of fights, and is generally kind of immature. Talking to some other of my friends that know him better than I do, they all say there really isn't anything desirable about him. Him and Jen have been dating on and off for around a year and a half, but it's always been clear that it wasn't really working out, she dates him more out of comfort because she's used to it now than for anything else. Jen told me she would have no problem breaking up with him for good if we decided we wanted to continue with our own relationship, and I know she wouldn't be bothered by it.
Number two, which is a much bigger problem, is that I leave for college September 10th. I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
As it is, Jen and I are really just frustrated that neither of us acted any sooner than we did. We've both had feeling for each other since a year ago, but we never really admitted it openly to each other until recently. All this said, my choice is pretty obvious. I have to decide if we just stay good friends and move on or if we should make a move of it and start a relationship. If the latter, we also have to see if we'd rather make it a summer fling or something we try to maintain into the fall.
I'm not an idiot, of corse, I understand the implications of the decisions and I already have my preference and reasons for that choice, but I'd love some objective input from the community so I open myself up to your judgement. What do you guys think?
Thanks a lot in advance.
  
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Honestly, neither choice can really turn out that bad for you, so don't put it on your mind that much.
It's likely you won't regret not having a relationship with her when you're in school because you will be making new friends and getting accustomed to a new lifestyle (If you are going to be a freshman in college living in some dorm). So that's what I would go with looking at it from my perspective.
Although, who is to say that you can't do all of that while maintaining this relationship.
I would just go with your preference.
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Here is the thing. Just be straight up honest with her and tell her what you told us about the situation. Honestly if she wants to break up with her current bf for you. Than you gotta be the best BF ever, but let her known your situation. The thing is if you don't go for her and you shouldn't stress about it because college you will meet knew people and it is cool and stuff. But you never know, she could be the one. It is a tough call because you are gonna always have the what if factor. I think it is just best to put yourself out there and see what happens. Haha, man maybe I should put my girl blog out there, been wrestling with it for awhile lol.
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Go for it. You will never look back in life and regret things you did. You'll only regret things you didn't do when you had the chance.
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On July 18 2013 13:54 chadissilent wrote:
Go for it. You will never look back in life and regret things you did. You'll only regret things you didn't do when you had the chance.
Not necessarily true, but in this context he's correct. I don't know how this could possibly turn out bad enough for you to regret ever getting serious with her.
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Jen and I are really just frustrated that neither of us acted any sooner than we did.
All the more reason to do it now. Don't miss your chance completely. Better late than never.
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Why are you essentially dating a girl when she alrdy has a bf? If shes in a bad relationship she needs to break it off alrdy and stop making her life miserable and you need to start officially being her SO and make it work for as long as possible.
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IMO you should just forget about it if you're going to college in a little over a month. It might seem like nothing now but having to leave and drive a few hours every weekend is going to get annoying and cut into your social life or academics.
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dont wait around for her
she's obviously not into you enough to leave her boyfriend or she would've done it already
find some nice girl in college
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Ya, that stuff about how she said it would be real easy to leave her boyfriend? That's not true. She only imagines that it would be easy. The fact that they've been dating for a year and a half isn't just out of comfort. If she breaks up with him to be with you, you're gonna have problems. If she breaks up with him because she feels like the relationship isn't healthy, or she feels like it's time to move on, and then afterward she dates you, then you'd be golden.
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On July 18 2013 15:54 Fumanchu wrote:
Ya, that stuff about how she said it would be real easy to leave her boyfriend? That's not true. She only imagines that it would be easy. The fact that they've been dating for a year and a half isn't just out of comfort. If she breaks up with him to be with you, you're gonna have problems. If she breaks up with him because she feels like the relationship isn't healthy, or she feels like it's time to move on, and then afterward she dates you, then you'd be golden.
solid advice. I was in a similar situation, and its imperative that the girl breaks up with her boyfriend because that relationship is not what she wants anymore, not because she likes you.
that being said, youre still young, and one month is a long time. go for it imo! if it doesnt last while you are in college, so be it, but at least you tried.
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Bearded Elder29903 Posts
I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
Just let her go. Don't go into it, those kind of relationships are not worth it IMO.
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Be with her as long as possible. Then if long distance doesn't work out it doesn't and you move on.
Most/some people see relationships as an destination. Thats where you want to end up. But thats not true, relationships can just aswell be another station on the trainride that is your life.
About what "Fumanchu" said: Does it really matter? Does it really matter if she leaves her BF or not? In my opinion, not really.
A) She stays with boyfriend, you two have fun without him knowing and you leave for school - done
B) She leaves the boyfriend, you two have fun and you leave for school and the relationship withers - done
C) She leaves the boyfriend, you two have fun and you leave for school and the relationship continues to stay strong - yay!
You can't really loose from my perspective.
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Just go for it  You would feel much worse if you never did anything about this in the first place
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My suggestion, hit it and quit it.
This girl is trouble and her bf seems like the type of (jealous) guy who will also try and give you trouble. No doubt she will tell him she has hooked up with you eventually, or else why wouldn't she just break up with him for good and move on. She is the type of girl who is attracted to abusive a-holes and needs drama. You are the good guy she knows she should date but after a while will probably sabotage it since unless you are doing the drama dance with her too. And she will probably do some cheating on you as well considering you won't be around all the time.
Distance relationships rarely work and are troublesome if they do.
If you don't like the first suggestion, the other option is to tell her to dump him, (tell her no relationship is better than a bad one and its ok to be single for a period of time) and just continue your friendship until a time where you are able to be together in a year or whatever you were talking about.
The worst thing you can do to yourself and her is to date her for a time limit especially if you/both know when the time is. It's just going to build up emotions and make everything harder.
The shitty thing too, is if you bang her it is going to mean a lot more for her than for you and she will be hurt regardless.
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Stay single, go to college meet someone there because you will meet someone who is both single and in the same postal code. Do you really want a long distance relationship with someone who has already shown the proclivity for cheating on her boyfriend?
That's my 2c anyway, there is rarely a "correct" thing to do, women are complicated beasts.
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If she is cheating on her boyfriend, and he is not really for her, she should get out of that relationship\not be in it regardless. I know some people struggle with this, but yo u should do your best to get her out of that relationship regardless of your own intention, just as a friend looking out for her (and heck even her boyfriends) best interests.
After she hopefully breaks up with her boyfriend, you are both single and ready to mingle, then just spend however much time you feel like together up until you must move away, and the re-evaluate there. Personally I would recommend against longer distance relationships though, both for your own personal growth, and also just because it can be a bitch for both partners and poison what could be a healthy relationship either just as a great friend or something more in the future. Should you never be able to meet anyone else as great as this girl throughout your years in college\after, you can always get back together with her after college.
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On July 18 2013 16:32 739 wrote:
I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
Just let her go. Don't go into it, those kind of relationships are not worth it IMO.
I'd have to agree with this. I've tried this several times myself and even though it might work and feel fantastic in the start the raw distance and all that comes with it slowly chews away at the relationship. A couple hours might not seem like much but repeat it enough and it is. If you're gonna go for anything just have some fun during the summer together but don't make it a commited relationship when you're leaving for college. Her current bf seems like a douche anyway, she'll eventually dump him anyway, just go for the fling.
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51484 Posts
How can you want a relationship with someone (potentially) that already has a boyfriend. So in answer to your question, is another question.
Would you be prepared to trust "Jen" if you had a relationship with her, whilst your out of town for months on end and she is left back in your home town. Without you, and with this other "BF" she has cheated on numerous times yet has never finished it.
1. I think your being REALLY harsh on this kid, however much of a douche he is, he still doesn't deserve to be going out with someone who is cheating on him
2. This girl should have taken control of things way earlier
3. This sounds like Jeremy Kyle (Jerry Springer) written all over it "/
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Just use protection so you won't get that call after sept 10th.
Have fun in college.
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On July 18 2013 12:56 im a roc wrote:
Hey TL, looking for some advice.
So there's this girl, lets call her Jennifer. Or Jen for short. Jen and I really like each other; there's no pretense between the two of us, we both care about each other a lot, and there's a strong emotional and physical attraction on both sides. We got to be really good friends (and now more than friends) over the last school year, we love spending time together and we've made out a few times, but nothing too heavy. We both would love to date, and we both think we'd be happier if we were.
There are a few problems, however. Number one, which is the lesser issue, is that she has a boyfriend. Objectively speaking, it's not a good relationship. This other guy has some anger problems, gets in a lot of fights, and is generally kind of immature. Talking to some other of my friends that know him better than I do, they all say there really isn't anything desirable about him. Him and Jen have been dating on and off for around a year and a half, but it's always been clear that it wasn't really working out, she dates him more out of comfort because she's used to it now than for anything else. Jen told me she would have no problem breaking up with him for good if we decided we wanted to continue with our own relationship, and I know she wouldn't be bothered by it.
Number two, which is a much bigger problem, is that I leave for college September 10th. I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
As it is, Jen and I are really just frustrated that neither of us acted any sooner than we did. We've both had feeling for each other since a year ago, but we never really admitted it openly to each other until recently. All this said, my choice is pretty obvious. I have to decide if we just stay good friends and move on or if we should make a move of it and start a relationship. If the latter, we also have to see if we'd rather make it a summer fling or something we try to maintain into the fall.
I'm not an idiot, of corse, I understand the implications of the decisions and I already have my preference and reasons for that choice, but I'd love some objective input from the community so I open myself up to your judgement. What do you guys think?
Thanks a lot in advance.
Alright.
1) Her having a boyfriend. As soon as I read this I just quickly skimmed the rest. Get your ass out of this situation. A woman who is willing to consistently cheat on the same individual with you and yet still hasn't left him for you is just trouble. Not only that, she essentially keeps him around as the "backup guy". This woman is not trustworthy and not exactly a fantastic person in general. Cheating on someone is one of the biggest betrayals of trust out there, and if she's not mature enough to break up with him in this situation, well, she's just not worth it. It's pretty naive to think that you're just some ultra-special guy and that because of that she won't even think about doing the same thing with another person when you're gone. Men and women don't radically change like that; past relationship behavior is fairly indicative of future relationship behavior (although it definitely isn't a perfect predictor, so don't go overboard with this).
2) If you really want to be stupid and go for this anyway, then you need to decide to either suck it up and date long-distance (a discussion you'd have with her) or just move on. Personally, I would highly recommend moving on and looking forward to college and the women you'll meet there. College is a huge opportunity for everything, and you'll never get another chance to meet so many new people or do so many new things. Long-distance rarely works (you usually need a very strong relationship before it becomes long-distance) and this girl really doesn't seem worth it. Furthermore, odds are you will get to college and resent her for holding you back from dating new women.
People say, "You'll regret the things you don't do", which is true as a general rule, but what haven't you done? You guys are basically dating and you have gotten to know her. You know she's just going to be a lot of trouble, so what would you miss out on? Unless you are really, really into this girl (which would be stupid anyway, but hey, that's emotions for you), you aren't "missing" anything and you shouldn't regret it.
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On July 18 2013 21:30 Burrfoot wrote:
Just use protection so you won't get that call after sept 10th.
Have fun in college.
Ye man. Something I have learned is that there are no secrets. If you want her as a friend be friends. If you want her erotically then you have to make a move. It's not like buying iphone vs android girl or no girl. it's a decision to get in there and get it done.
None of us can know how much you really like her. From personal experience, even really liking someone enough to do anything is no guarntee of happiness or pleasure or whatever.
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jens a hooker, and if you decide to proceed in spite of this, just keep that in mind and treat her accordingly
who am i kidding, youre gonna start dating her and get all upset when you find out she does the exact same thing to you and wonder why it happened
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I'm getting to love Hawk's words of widsom in these kind of posts.
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On July 19 2013 02:04 Ender985 wrote:
I'm getting to love Hawk's words of widsom in these kind of posts.
Dude, Hawk is the PB+J to the girl blog's bread. You just can't have a world of girl blogs without Hawk, just like you can't have a world of sandwiches without the PB+J.
Dunno why, but I really wanted to stick to the PB+J analogy with Hawk for some reason...
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Chances are you won't be friends with Jen when college is over just due to drifting apart and having a new crowd to hang out with so the question is do you want her in your life at all? If yes, you need to date her and make the best of a semi long distance relationship. If it doesn't work out in the end, neither of you really lost much tbh - like I said, you probably wouldn't have remained friends throughout all of school anyway but at least you can say you gave it a shot.
The flipside to that is that college is all about experiencing new things, getting our of your comfort zone, meeting new people, and enjoying everything about college. I would caution becoming 'attached' to someone because it was comfortable and easier than going to college single and alone - you could potentially miss out on a lot of awesome times and new people trying to make your relationship work when it wasn't really right in the first place.
As an aside, if you two decided to date, would the current bf still be around her? Like in her town? I hate to say it but if she is telling you she'd break up with him for you then she isn't ready for an actual serious relationship and I can already picture her hooking back up with her ex when things get tough between you two.
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Thanks for the replys guys!
So today Jen told me that she broke it off with her boyfriend, and that was after no pressure from me, I've never even brought him up before, so that was all her own decision, which is nice.
And I've had a serious long distance relationship before, and I agree with almost all of your comments saying its seldom a good idea. I didn't work out well for me and just led to a really awkward breakup, so I would prefer not to try to stretch it beyond this summer unless I truly feel there is something different about this relationship (if it becomes one).
Please continue to let me know what you all think, and thanks again!
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On July 19 2013 14:43 im a roc wrote:
Thanks for the replys guys!
So today Jen told me that she broke it off with her boyfriend, and that was after no pressure from me, I've never even brought him up before, so that was all her own decision, which is nice.
And I've had a serious long distance relationship before, and I agree with almost all of your comments saying its seldom a good idea. I didn't work out well for me and just led to a really awkward breakup, so I would prefer not to try to stretch it beyond this summer unless I truly feel there is something different about this relationship (if it becomes one).
Please continue to let me know what you all think, and thanks again!
Good for you. I've tried long distance - it didn't work - but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good experience. This doesn't need to be the last relationship you are in. Be with her as long as you feel like and then end it. There is nothing wrong in trying something to see if it works.
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EPT
