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I've been playing games since I was 3 or 4 years old, starting with the NES. I'm now 30. I've been playing games for an objectively long time, and for the first time in my life, I'm having trouble enjoying gaming.
At around 14 years old with Red Alert was when I first started playing competitively. Being able to play against other people online had me hooked right from the start. Dark Reign, an RTS, came out about a year later in 1997 and that's when I really started getting passionate about competing. I held #1 on Cases Ladder with a 90+% win rate, and had tons of records in their hall of fame. My entire gaming experience became defined by striving to improve and become better than those around me. Fast forward across some Tribes games and MMO’s where I’ve accomplished similar feats, and I’ve had a pretty rich gaming history that I can be proud of.
![[image loading]](http://www.carameldream.net/DarkReignss.jpg) A few tachion tanks blowing up a base in Dark Reign
Growing up, I lived in a bubble where it was taboo to be a gamer. Especially back in the day when video games were young, they had a terrible stigma attached to them. I lied about what I did with my free time. I mean who really cares if you’re better than other people at a video game? A hard dose of reality can put in perspective awfully quick just how meaningless it is. But you know what? Fuck all that. Fuck it. The passion I had for gaming and competing was real, as real as anything else. And time and time again, many of us here have seen just how powerful that passion can be, so much so that it can even bring a god of destruction to tears.
![[image loading]](http://www.carameldream.net/Starcraft/JaedongMom.jpg) 2007 EVER OSL
It’s a phenomenal feeling knowing you’re better than everyone else at something, even if that something is relatively insignificant. As long as it’s something that you really care about, it will feel like a monumental achievement. I may not have been playing in a stadium under bright lights in front of thousands of fans for thousands of dollars like we’re so used to seeing now, but that didn’t make the accomplishments any less valuable to me.
I’m 30 now. I have my own family. I work. I go to school. The time I do have available to game I often spend with my fiancée, screwing around casually in whatever game it is that we’re playing together at the time, and like some old retired athlete, my glory days are behind me. My passion isn’t gone, I simply no longer have the means by which to pursue it. After 25 years I’ve suddenly become a casual gamer, and it has been a hard pill to swallow. To do something you love, while constantly feeling like you’re doing it below your potential can be a frustrating thing, and can even ruin the experience.
I’m not sure what to do with my lifelong hobby anymore, what I should be striving for, or how to really enjoy it. I'm no longer king shit of turd mountain. I’m just here questioning myself about what game if any I should pick up and try to play, trying to figure out how to redefine and reignite my love for games.
 
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Sneak out at night and go to LAN parties.
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Reminds me of the blog post I wrote around the end of last year (link). Not quite the same history as yours as you're a fair number of years older than me and I've never been at the top of anything competitive, but I feel I can relate.
Now I mostly find that I can find enjoyment in some games, but in such an event I feel compelled to sit down and just play it non-stop and marathon it. Difficult to find the time to do so when you have all these adult responsibilities now t.t
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TLADT24920 Posts
On June 08 2013 11:22 Tachion wrote:
To do something you love, while constantly feeling like you’re doing it below your potential can be a frustrating thing, and can even ruin the experience.
this. I can relate to this. I find that I've become a casual gamer like you as well. I may not have been the best of the best but with many different responsibilities and worries, it's hard to focus on the game and work on getting better faster when it's the last thing to worry about. Makes it annoying lol. I think you should just focus on your current life and continue just playing games that you play keeping in mind that your time to play hardcore having passed. Once you come to terms with this, then you'll find you enjoy playing your games more especially since you are playing some of them with your fiance 
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Some games I think you can become good at even without devoting much time to. Nethack may be a good example? I don't know about multiplayer games though. :/
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Good blog... feel similar here. These days I find single player games more rewarding than online competition. I think the biggest plus is you can pick it up and put it down like a book, unlike multiplayer where once you start you're committed til the game ends (and want to play another). Roguelikes are fun, or if strategy is your thing maybe something like Battle of Wesnoth. Maybe you can learn to program and 'roll your own' game to match your changing tastes.
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I'm glad I can enjoy my gaming prime right now, I know I'll miss it sometime in the future :<.
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DARK REIGN!
Fuck i loved that game as a kid.
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Holy shit dark reign was amazing. I might have to go play it now, that was the bread and butter of my childhood gaming.
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eh just gotta find something that suites your tastes and fits within your schedule when youre busy like that!
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Playing BW has been the perpetual realisation that to be good is an entirely relative term, and that to be the best is something neigh impossible. So even though I've gotten better since I first started, I've never really felt putting more or less time into it could really affect my self-confidence in the game. There is always someone better, there is always someone worse.
I'm sure you're king shit of turd mountain of video games in your own house. Maybe you can even be king shit of turd mountain of your friends when you invite them over to play console. Some people used to like being king shit of turd mountain in their specific state of America. I don't see how that's any different than deciding to become the best of a game that wasn't that competitive. 1997 man! One more year and you coulda been playing the most competitive game there ever was. Just find the right mountain and you can be king of it. There's nothing actually wrong with that.
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I'm kinda in the same boat, always been good at games and very competitive. Now i'm 26 with a fiance and a toddler. Used to be very good at FPS games such as Unreal Tournament and were among the top in europe, same followed into WoW, WC3 and what not. Now i do not have the time however and play casual dota 2 with the fiance and some Mechwarrior Online. It's a hard pill to swallow that there are loads of people better then you when you used top be "the best" or among them.
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im the same kid, but im 32 with 2 kids, job and all of the other guff but with a gf who detests video games, yes i believe im still passionate about it, kinda gets me mad when i see people talking about 'retro'b games when they are barely 20, they didnt play it at the time, only retrospectively and go on about it . . .not sure why i get annoyed, i just do. I feel frustrated i cant just bash a game for a week or so and really learn the ins and outs, especially in sc2 where its a super competitive environment. All ic an say is, moderation man. Make sure you have a slots a couple times in the week where the gaming is what you do. I still have all of my old consoles from 1985 (atari and a NES manufactured by mattel who i assume must have partnered with nintendo very early on in europe (im uk btw)) its a blast hooking these things up, getting them to work and playing a couple of hours on the real shit. Emus just dont quite do the job!
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Only after fully reading this did I understand the title. I do believe that despite your responsibilities you can still invest a bit of time to feel that passion again. The means are now as they were then.
To climb a mountain takes ten thousand steps. To start takes one.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://www.carameldream.net/neslove.jpg)
