We met as freshmen. I was naive. I was stupid. I lacked judgment.
Now I just have bad judgment.
Back when I first fell for you I had nothing. I sat next to you in econ class, watching as the econ grad student put down lagrangians on the chalkboard, those multilayered, multipaneled chalkboards that you could slide vertically back and forth. He would finish one board, then slide it up, and pull down the next one, and I would try to keep up on my notebook. I would fail.
You sat next to me playing QQ Kart Racing on your laptop, your Sony laptop that you always complained about because the battery would die in 10 seconds if the plug was pulled. You never took notes. I thought you didn't give a shit about the class until I realized you set the fucking curve on the first midterm.
So I decided to follow you back to the library one day. I didn't like you yet. I just wanted to bum homework off you. It worked out fine. You were a Chinese international student, a genius prodigy girl from Beijing, who scored a 700 on the gaokao, top 200 overall in Beijing, with math/physics/chem as your electives. You were fucking smart as shit.
You taught me how to feel stupid.
You taught me that I am stupid.
We weren't dating just yet and I didn't have feelings for you yet. I was still going through that macho phase in my freshman year when every club was a stepping stone to goldman sachs and every girl was just another conquest, her picture to be pinned up behind that whiteboard me and the roomies used for listing who bought what--our inter-roommate competition for the most hookups in a single quarter. I never tried to hook up with you.
We became partners. The partnership was that I would do your essays and you would do my econ homework and we would both come out okay. Later, when my parents asked if I had met anyone "good friends" (their code word for girls) at college, I said I'd met one who did my homework.
I still didn't like you yet.
Then my world came crashing down, in one of those long string-ups of #firstworldproblems that seems to come 6 or 7 months after freshman year starts. I failed out of the frat pledging process for losing two pledge pins in the snow, and with it, I lost my first batch of friends. I don't blame them. We were all wet concrete back then, so easily impressionable and yet so hard and inflexible once dried and set.
My GPA was slipping. I had disregarded that in my quest to be "cool" with the frat guys. It didn't work. Now I was lost, and confused. In stepped you.
It was MLK weekend. You showed up, back from China. Somehow you looked... more womanly. No more awkward coltish girl. Your face had filled out--less bony, softer, much, much cuter. Longer hair, though still not those gorgeous permed curls I sometimes chase after in my dreams. Taller. A little coquettish.
Oh, and your boobs were bigger. Or maybe it was the new bras your mom had let you buy, the bras that actually fit you? (I remember how the bras you wore your freshman year later simply broke when you tried them on)
We had dinner at that cheap Viet/Thai noodle place east of campus. You still remember, don't you? How we sat at one of the corner booths, I spilled the 4$ seafood ramen all over my lap, and you reached over and tried to wipe up my crotch, and somehow, in spite of the scalding soup, I got a boner, and then the rumor started that you and I were an item?
Throughout this time you were saying goodbye to your boyfriend who was going to Peking University. The long goodbye, I know. I know how it feels. I know how it feels now. I know how you didn't know what to say when he asked if you could wait for him for all these 4 years. I know because that's what you later told me when I was asking you the same questions, when you were interning in Hong Kong and I was interning in the States.
And I somehow liked you.
You see, my roommate was pretty obsessed with Evangelion, when he wasn't going to his Asian-American Intervarsity Meetings to pick up chicks and win the 2nd quarter bet. One day I was going to sleep, watching his computer go through pictures for its screen saver, and then you came up.
Not your picture, I mean. A girl that looked exactly like you. Well, with blue hair. I later wiki'd her and I realized your personality and hers was a dead match. Quiet on the outside, determined on the inside, and really, really fucking smart.
That valentine's day, I remember not having any money. Well, I had two hundred bucks but I wanted to save that for "emergency purposes" (god I was such a goody-two-shoes back then.) So I went outside into the snow, the fresh snow on the giant grass lawn that was the southern border to the campus, and as it was still falling around me, I walked out your initials, each letter ten yards wide. Then, around it, I walked a giant heart. I sent a text, telling you to come to the statue of Linnaeus at the southern border. I told you to bring a camera. I didn't say anything else and I didn't hear from you for three days.
Then I met you at the library. Or more specifically, I found your laptop, plugged into the wall. I found your laptop cycling through photos for its screensaver, and I saw the giant heart in the snow, all lit up by those orange streetlamps and the flashbulb of your roommate's Nikon camera. I sat at that desk for a while. You showed up and I asked you if you wanted help for an essay. You shook your head and simply rubbed my hair, then asked me to go grab a chair of my own, in that bossy tone Chinese girls use to show affection.
Now it's been years since we said our long goodbyes. I'm not any smarter. I just watched my first company go down in flames and I'm starting a new one. I have to talk to lawyers for bankruptcy in the mornings and lawyers for setting up a new firm in the second. And I know that if you were here, you'd be laughing at me and telling me what a sha gua I am for doing stupid shit twice in a row and expecting it to somehow work in the second time.
I look at the Hong Kong skyline that is my desktop background sometimes and I wonder how you're doing. If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you. If you still want to webcam with me, even though we're both people that no longer hold each other in our hearts any more. If, when you send me those little heart-filled e-mail cards on my birthday, you really mean it.
Which pains me. But I still trust you. Because you were the one girl that liked me when I had nothing, so you're the one girl I can trust once I have everything.
And I am foolish. Maybe that's why I liked you. Because you were everything I never had, and so you became everything I ever wanted, and now you're everything I'm never going to get.
That was very well written and very touching. Yet, the picture I'm left with is that of the 40 year old boss and the taxi drive. Uuh. I think you should... modify it.
On October 25 2012 17:42 straycat wrote: That was very well written and very touching. Yet, the picture I'm left with is that of the 40 year old boss and the taxi drive. Uuh. I think you should... modify it.
Kinda funny. That's the picture that flashes through my head every time I try to think of her too. And then I drink another glass, because god knows I'm not making 2 million a year as a fucking managing director yet
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
On October 25 2012 17:42 straycat wrote: That was very well written and very touching. Yet, the picture I'm left with is that of the 40 year old boss and the taxi drive. Uuh. I think you should... modify it.
neat, you brought my attention to it, now it's stuck in my head too
And I'm so sorry for hurting you while I was dating. For being that insensitive careerist jerk who was more concerned about getting to the top of the finance club by networking with the alumni rather than taking care of you while you were sick, forcing you to trudge a kilometer through the snow to get groceries with a 38C fever.
im so sorry baby. im so sorry, if I could do it all over again I would, but it's too late now isn't it? Isn't it? Now you're just looking for a man to take care of you, and that means he has to make more than you, and that means I have to finish my second company for a multimillion dollar exit and work for a VC firm if I'm to have a shot--a slim damnfool shot--at winning you back again
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
And the greatest tragedy of all: I wanted to make enough cash so that a smart girl like you would not have to degrade herself to the finance-world burnout, so that you could do what you were made to do and get that PhD or discover time travel ormake awesome kickass science-fiction films with your favorite band, Yngwie, dominating the soundtrack.
But it all didn't work out, did it? You left too soon, I ended up with other girls that made me realize how... decent of a human being you were. That made me realize how much of a complete chump I myself am. And now I'm set back another two years, another two years farther away from holding you again, another two years closer to missing out on you for the second time, as you slip on a wedding ring to some jerkoff playboy while I type uselessly on an online forum twelve fucking time zones away
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
No she's not a money-face, she's the very fucking antithesis of a money face, she's a girl who's so smart she can't help but make tons of money but she doesn't *want* money. But now because of the stupidity I did when I was dating her, she thinks that her next boyfriend (and she's thought this for the past three years, ever since we broke up) should be someone who can take care of her. I've been trying to tell her otherwise, telling her she can obviously take care of herself, but she won't listen
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
No she's not a money-face, she's the very fucking antithesis of a money face, she's a girl who's so smart she can't help but make tons of money but she doesn't *want* money. But now because of the stupidity I did when I was dating her, she thinks that her next boyfriend (and she's thought this for the past three years, ever since we broke up) should be someone who can take care of her. I've been trying to tell her otherwise, telling her she can obviously take care of herself, but she won't listen
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
If your 40-year-old engaged boss is still trying to finger you in the back of taxicabs, if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
No she's not a money-face, she's the very fucking antithesis of a money face, she's a girl who's so smart she can't help but make tons of money but she doesn't *want* money. But now because of the stupidity I did when I was dating her, she thinks that her next boyfriend (and she's thought this for the past three years, ever since we broke up) should be someone who can take care of her. I've been trying to tell her otherwise, telling her she can obviously take care of herself, but she won't listen
GHARGH
Oh right, sorry for the misunderstanding~
You mean take care of her monetarily right?
Yeah, although I think its more than that. I mean she wants a guy more *capable* than her. Which is fucking hard because she structures fucking derivatives for one of the largest investment banks in the world (and I don't mean selling derivatives like what they usually tell pretty asian girls to do in ibanks but actually structuring them, pricing them, working the fucking betas and sigmas and rhos)... she's being promoted along a fast track. She's steps away from becoming a VP.
And now look at me. still stuck in the fucking dumps. the fuck
On October 25 2012 17:46 Temerarious Trout wrote: I don't know what to say man.
[quote]
That is just so painful to read.
Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
No she's not a money-face, she's the very fucking antithesis of a money face, she's a girl who's so smart she can't help but make tons of money but she doesn't *want* money. But now because of the stupidity I did when I was dating her, she thinks that her next boyfriend (and she's thought this for the past three years, ever since we broke up) should be someone who can take care of her. I've been trying to tell her otherwise, telling her she can obviously take care of herself, but she won't listen
GHARGH
Oh right, sorry for the misunderstanding~
You mean take care of her monetarily right?
Yeah, although I think its more than that. I mean she wants a guy more *capable* than her. Which is fucking hard because she structures fucking derivatives for one of the largest investment banks in the world (and I don't mean selling derivatives like what they usually tell pretty asian girls to do in ibanks but actually structuring them, pricing them, working the fucking betas and sigmas and rhos)... she's being promoted along a fast track. She's steps away from becoming a VP.
And now look at me. still stuck in the fucking dumps. the fuck
What if all she needs is someone to show her that the only thing she needs is love? She can't pass up on someone she loves because the guy isn't more successful than her
On October 25 2012 17:47 Shady Sands wrote: [quote] Imagine hearing that from your ex, the ex that you once thought of getting married to after college graduation
E: the bottle is my friend, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yeah, sounds god-awful.
"Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.” ― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Edit: Dude, you make it sound as if she goes to the guy with the money. What are you doing, running for President?
no im just completely shitfaced so im more honest than i usually am
E: I really am completely shitfaced right now, I'm probably going to really regret this thread tomorrow morning
So you've fallen for a money-face?
no i just looked at myself in the mirror. whenever im drunk i can't help but grin like an idiot, no matter how sad i feel
So you think you've fallen for a girl who you think is a money-face and you hope that she likes other money-faces (you)?
No she's not a money-face, she's the very fucking antithesis of a money face, she's a girl who's so smart she can't help but make tons of money but she doesn't *want* money. But now because of the stupidity I did when I was dating her, she thinks that her next boyfriend (and she's thought this for the past three years, ever since we broke up) should be someone who can take care of her. I've been trying to tell her otherwise, telling her she can obviously take care of herself, but she won't listen
GHARGH
Oh right, sorry for the misunderstanding~
You mean take care of her monetarily right?
Yeah, although I think its more than that. I mean she wants a guy more *capable* than her. Which is fucking hard because she structures fucking derivatives for one of the largest investment banks in the world (and I don't mean selling derivatives like what they usually tell pretty asian girls to do in ibanks but actually structuring them, pricing them, working the fucking betas and sigmas and rhos)... she's being promoted along a fast track. She's steps away from becoming a VP.
And now look at me. still stuck in the fucking dumps. the fuck
What if all she needs is someone to show her that the only thing she needs is love? She can't pass up on someone she loves because the guy isn't more successful than her
After you graduate from college you will find out that 99% of the time people get married because they're living together already or they share hobbies or they have a common thing (e.g. a pet dog) that they're both taking care of. Or because they've got a rent contract on a nice studio that they can't pass up
E: we can't forget church here. I'm only talking about sorry shallow atheists here. Let me jump out of the materialist dialectic for a moment and talk about those folks that get married because their korean presbyterian minister tells them to. I like them, they're cool folks, but sometimes I find it sad how the only two ways we mortals can sanctify our love for each other is by spending a shitton of $ at the wedding/tying our wedding to $ or by making up the endorsement of a flying spaghetti monster in the sky
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
I've read my share of blogs in my time with teamliquid, but this, this was something else. I'm too young to truly understand what you're going through but this little glimpse was enough to move me more than most things have in a long while. An agonizingly good read.
I think this girl is Rina, but I'm not sure about if this greedy desire of making money in you comes from your desire to get back Rina. You're probably morbidly alone and you're just remembering the past times. Sylvia, Rina, the girl you met at the high school debates and such. I don't think starting another relationship with Rina is what you actually want. You want money and you want the loneliness to be gone. That's about it. If you're trying to make money, do it for yourself, not for Rina. You can exist without her too, you just need to realize it.
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
On October 25 2012 19:53 Djagulingu wrote: I think this girl is Rina, but I'm not sure about if this greedy desire of making money in you comes from your desire to get back Rina. You're probably morbidly alone and you're just remembering the past times. Sylvia, Rina, the girl you met at the high school debates and such. I don't think starting another relationship with Rina is what you actually want. You want money and you want the loneliness to be gone. That's about it. If you're trying to make money, do it for yourself, not for Rina. You can exist without her too, you just need to realize it.
You know what, you're right. I need to just pick myself up and move on.
ShadySands, I read this forum a lot but barely ever post. Everyday I look up all of your posts, not just your blogs, but posts you make in other threads (well maybe not every post every day but a lot).
You are like the most interesting person on this forum by far, and this thread is great that it sheds some light on who you are.
This girl, I don't care what her job is, how much money she has, or where she works. she would be lucky to be with you, and any other girl would too. You need to move on and accept that your achievements in life are for yourself and becoming successful to make her like you again is no different than those girls that get with you because your successful.
Move on and find someone new that loves you for you, you don't have to tell her your job or how much money you make when you first meet.
Keep on keeping man, and don't stop posting. Your awesome.
On October 25 2012 21:22 BoonSolo wrote: ShadySands, I read this forum a lot but barely ever post. Everyday I look up all of your posts, not just your blogs, but posts you make in other threads (well maybe not every post every day but a lot).
You are like the most interesting person on this forum by far, and this thread is great that it sheds some light on who you are.
This girl, I don't care what her job is, how much money she has, or where she works. she would be lucky to be with you, and any other girl would too. You need to move on and accept that your achievements in life are for yourself and becoming successful to make her like you again is no different than those girls that get with you because your successful.
Move on and find someone new that loves you for you, you don't have to tell her your job or how much money you make when you first meet.
Keep on keeping man, and don't stop posting. Your awesome.
On October 25 2012 19:53 Djagulingu wrote: I think this girl is Rina, but I'm not sure about if this greedy desire of making money in you comes from your desire to get back Rina. You're probably morbidly alone and you're just remembering the past times. Sylvia, Rina, the girl you met at the high school debates and such. I don't think starting another relationship with Rina is what you actually want. You want money and you want the loneliness to be gone. That's about it. If you're trying to make money, do it for yourself, not for Rina. You can exist without her too, you just need to realize it.
You know what, you're right. I need to just pick myself up and move on.
Damn this guy's sharp. Good that he picked things up. I feel stupid
'We met when we were almost young deep in the green lilac park you held on to me like a crucifix as we went kneeling through the dark
Now so long marianne it's time that we began to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again'
-leonard cohen This is about a relationship that means very much to the singer, and though the love was and still is real his lovers "fine spider web is fastening his ankle to a stone." Her very effective and special abilities are keeping him stationary.
Hope you're not too hungover shady! Also, I recommend, if you ever send this letter to your past lover, to remove the part in which you theorize as to whether "her breasts actually grew or she just got bras that actually fit." :p
sincerely/fecetiously meteorskunk/Effervescentaureola/StateofReverie (i know you like to point out similarities so i did it for you)
How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
Hope you're not too hungover shady! Also, I recommend, if you ever send this letter to your past lover, to remove the part in which you theorize as to whether "her breasts actually grew or she just got bras that actually fit." :p
Lol.
Shady I think many of us go throw something similar to this. However we never experience it the same way as everyone else. What you experienced will always remain magical to you. And in my opinion that a feeling and memory worth having. World has a way of working out. Until then, I'll take a drink for you.
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
Google "Lagrange economics" or something like that. Basically, its used to determine the point of highest utility/welfare/happiness (this utility thingy is the curve) that a person can get if he buy "Good X" on a graph.
This is the most layman way I can explain as a struggling economics student.
Don't what else to say, really... the whole blog just kind of played out in my head like a drama series that ends in a huge cliffhanger.
Okay, so like say there is this triple-timeline going. One is you writing this mail by hand, another is all the scenes written in the mail, and in the third (and the present) there's you walking in a snowy evening walking to the nearest mailbox down the street. Yes it has to be snowy (light snow) because of that one particular snow scene and it has to be evening because it's easily the most emotionally-charged time of the day. It can't be completely late at night because there aren't enough people in the street (you need to be walking in the midst of people to emulate the "alone in the world" atmosphere).
Enough about the setting. The whole drama has to be from your place to the mailbox in real time, but frequently switching back to you sitting in a dimly lit room writing a mail and recollecting memories. The mail has to be written like 30 times over (scribble scribble stop think strikethrough fix think again FUCK crunch toss start again). So all this recollecting memories happen and on the last episode you finally "finish" your mail with "I miss you." and fold the mail paper. Then switch back to present time, you're holding the enclosed mail right at the mailbox and about to drop it in, and you mutter "I miss you" just as the dramatic ballad song in the background reaches its climax and the singer is singing his/her heart out and the whole scene goes 0.1x speed as the mail drops into the dark box and the words "I miss you" echo as the scene fades.
Then the viewers think it's over BUT then a new scene comes back into focus and it's the exact same looking setting with someone writing a mail but once the camera focuses properly it's actually the girl writing a mail and she concludes it with "I miss you."
DUN DUN DUN
She neatly folds it, puts it in an envelope, puts on a jacket, then heads out into the snowy fields (implied going to a mailbox).
... and that's where the drama ends. Basically that's what went through my mind as I read your story the second time.
On October 25 2012 23:32 Elvex wrote: lol opshot. slacking at work again eh?
@OP Hurry up and send this to her. We all want to know what happens next. glgl
Shady Sands gets rejected because he has failed to see that her love don't cost a thang, as we know because she liked his priceless gift of writing int he snow to *show* his love. He still believes he needs more money to get women and thus is like Dickens' scrooge unable to love because he believes material things are worth love. Heart bursting hot sigh destruction ...poison...sleepy...nightshade
@optical shot.. pretty sure you just made this metaliterature by expanding it to film and tying it back to real life or something. cofusing myself...for fun... *head exploding gesture*
On October 25 2012 17:36 Shady Sands wrote: if you're still agonizing because you kinda like him but he's engaged and 15 years older than you.
I filtered out parts of what I thought but now that I think it's somewhat approriate: I think she probably kinda likes something else that he has and she may be that type.
Sorry if I offended you or if it sounds like bullshit. Just some thoughts
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
Lagrangians are used to solve differential equations, which can be in the form of a dyamical system or some complex differential shit in econs.
YOU'VE GOTTA WIN HER BACK SANDS. Stand outside her window and play bad music from an old stereo! Randomly mail hundreds of roses to her door! Write her a poem 3 pages long with your godlike literacy skills!
"And I am foolish. Maybe that's why I liked you. Because you were everything I never had, and so you became everything I ever wanted, and now you're everything I'm never going to get."
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I hate that feeling... haha.
OP, throughout your post it sounds like you were in the friendzone the whole time and that you never tried to make a move. How do you even know that she liked you...I guess you can use that general term to also refer to her liking you as a friend, but your post tries to give off this vibe that maybe she liked you in a boyfriend kind of way but it doesn't show any evidence of that.
You see, my roommate was pretty obsessed with Evangelion, when he wasn't going to his Asian-American Intervarsity Meetings to pick up chicks and win the 2nd quarter bet. One day I was going to sleep, watching his computer go through pictures for its screen saver, and then you came up.
Not your picture, I mean. A girl that looked exactly like you. Well, with blue hair. I later wiki'd her and I realized your personality and hers was a dead match. Quiet on the outside, determined on the inside, and really, really fucking smart.
On October 26 2012 01:03 thoraxe wrote: OP, throughout your post it sounds like you were in the friendzone the whole time and that you never tried to make a move. How do you even know that she liked you...I guess you can use that general term to also refer to her liking you as a friend, but your post tries to give off this vibe that maybe she liked you in a boyfriend kind of way but it doesn't show any evidence of that.
Dude, just no. Just. No.
You know, if you have a really intense romance and you reminisce about it, this is what it looks like. The sweet memories.
On October 26 2012 01:03 thoraxe wrote: OP, throughout your post it sounds like you were in the friendzone the whole time and that you never tried to make a move. How do you even know that she liked you...I guess you can use that general term to also refer to her liking you as a friend, but your post tries to give off this vibe that maybe she liked you in a boyfriend kind of way but it doesn't show any evidence of that.
That's actually a good point. It never does say explicitly and yet we are led to assume that it is the case. I thought he was rejected before she surprised him in the library.. hmm
anyways if you read the thread you find out they had a college rez honey moon xmas.
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
And I'm so sorry for hurting you while I was dating. For being that insensitive careerist jerk who was more concerned about getting to the top of the finance club by networking with the alumni rather than taking care of you while you were sick, forcing you to trudge a kilometer through the snow to get groceries with a 38C fever.
im so sorry baby. im so sorry, if I could do it all over again I would, but it's too late now isn't it? Isn't it? Now you're just looking for a man to take care of you, and that means he has to make more than you, and that means I have to finish my second company for a multimillion dollar exit and work for a VC firm if I'm to have a shot--a slim damnfool shot--at winning you back again
question: if she's so 'smart' why didn't she just call up another friend and get them to help instead?
And I'm so sorry for hurting you while I was dating. For being that insensitive careerist jerk who was more concerned about getting to the top of the finance club by networking with the alumni rather than taking care of you while you were sick, forcing you to trudge a kilometer through the snow to get groceries with a 38C fever.
im so sorry baby. im so sorry, if I could do it all over again I would, but it's too late now isn't it? Isn't it? Now you're just looking for a man to take care of you, and that means he has to make more than you, and that means I have to finish my second company for a multimillion dollar exit and work for a VC firm if I'm to have a shot--a slim damnfool shot--at winning you back again
question: if she's so 'smart' why didn't she just call up another friend and get them to help instead?
She is smart, a little too smart. Girls will do things like this to make their man feel like shit so they can be one up on them later. Just look how effective it was, Shady mentioning it just shows how well it worked lol.
Shady, I wish you all the best and please update us!! Great blog!
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
On October 25 2012 17:42 straycat wrote: That was very well written and very touching. Yet, the picture I'm left with is that of the 40 year old boss and the taxi drive. Uuh. I think you should... modify it.
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
Econometrics, for one. Some non OLS regressions use Euler-Langrange hoo hah. If I had better a better memory of my college years, I would give an example. Oh, I have my old notes somewhere!... Not really in a mood to dig them up ^_^
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
On October 25 2012 22:28 micronesia wrote: How are Lagrangians used in Econ? In Physics they are used to solve for the equations of motion of physical systems by characterizing the dynamics of the system and applying the Euler-Lagrange equations.
Chin up, Shady. It's hard to forget someone you really liked, but it's not something you should fret over. Cherish the memories, because some day, you'll have even more pleasant ones to embrace.
Well, I guess we could all do without the memory of her boss... >_>
On October 25 2012 17:36 Shady Sands wrote: Because you were the one girl that liked me when I had nothing, so you're the one girl I can trust once I have everything.
Because you were everything I never had, and so you became everything I ever wanted, and now you're everything I'm never going to get.
I miss you.
i could almost feel your pain man .. wait. i felt it.
On October 26 2012 10:21 Loser777 wrote: I am surrounded by international students, yet I find it exceedingly difficult to understand your perspective.
On October 25 2012 18:36 Temerarious Trout wrote: Maybe if she were so madly in love with you...
She was, at one point.
Winter break our sophomore year, she didn't get an airplane ticket back to China, and I only went back for 4 days for christmas. The rest of those 2 and 1/2 weeks we spent in our dorm with the heater on full blast because we were naked every moment. when we got too sweaty we would stand by the window and open it an inch and let the freezing/bone-dry air clear all the sweat off our skin, then we'd go at it again
So you went and banged her for four days? I thought chinese girls from mainland china were pretty conservative in that sense assuming that's what you meant by being naked and sweaty. Plus, aren't the international students usually grads and not undergrads? Just wondering what is your race? (I'm abc.)
This was so heart-wrenching to read.... Well...sometimes it's good just to let go and vent. I assume this is the girl who caused you to change your handle? I've always wondered a bit about your life (not trying to be creepy, just curious since you seem like an awesome guy yo) and have always been interested in what you've had to say about yourself. For what it's worth, I think you're a fucking hero.
On October 26 2012 10:21 Loser777 wrote: I am surrounded by international students, yet I find it exceedingly difficult to understand your perspective.
Well... I probably know fuck all when it comes to relationships and women compared to a large portion of this forum. But even I'd feel shitty should it just end with this. Give it a go. What is there to lose? At least know the outcome and not have the feeling of "what if" will haunt you. In my relatively short time alive it seems that shit stays on your mind the longest when it's worried about and can consider any sort of possibility. Put and to it, find out if she really means it behind those cards, or you'll never know.
Fuck, who am I to say anything, I haven't even been in my first relationship in highschool yet. Hell, looking back I haven't even met a girl I've really wanted to date. Nonetheless an amazing read. Maybe it's my fucked up mind finding some weird way to interpret this story. It seems to have at least temporarily (hopefully permanently) motivated me to do what I can be the best I can be and do something with my life.
... I don't even watch much T.V or go to the movies often (borderline never) and I'm still sounding cheesy as fuck.
On October 26 2012 10:21 Loser777 wrote: I am surrounded by international students, yet I find it exceedingly difficult to understand your perspective.
I read this blog. I felt my heart drop. I think it might've dropped into a black hole cause it hurts. Though that might just be the black hole slowly tearing away at me from the inside. This was very well written. I hope some day the pain will become bearable, not go away. I think to still feel the pain will remind you how special it was and how to value the next love you find. But then I could just be full of shit.
On October 26 2012 04:56 Tyrran wrote: This is the kind of read that makes me grab a glass of wine, and slowly drink in while remembering how nice it was when she was still here.
Very nicely written.
This is the kind of thread that I read after a couple of glasses of wine, and it really made me feel it, if you know what I mean.
Good luck brother, whether your future involves her or not, good luck.
That's quite beautiful. Trusting because the person likes you for you, not because of success, not because of external outward possessions and not because of status. Trust and love for what you two are. I hope that you reconnect.
My heart goes out to how you must feel. Though I can not relate fully to what you must be going through, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. I wish that you could find the answers to your problems elsewhere than in the bottom of a bottle. I've experienced first hand what living like that does to you.
lolol oh you were dating a pisces? no wonder you're tormented . Us pisces are fucked up. Don't worry. No matter what you did, she would have left you or fucked it up some way some how. And the reason she liked you was because you had nothing. That's how us pisces roll. We like starving artists, dreamers, and all-around fuck ups. If you start making money and all that she'll think you're boring as piss, unless you're doing it in an extremely unorthodox way AKA not finance. Don't believe a word she says. Pisces lie like crazy, a girl pisces even more so. She's somewhat attracted to the 40 year old because he's trying to finger her in cabs and is engaged. The wrongness of it turns her on. His money just makes it more wrong in her head, which is a plus. If you had money + young + good looks, it would make SENSE to like you, and that is the last thing pisces want. Something that makes sense would bore her to death, because sensible things are easy. Same reason she was playing QQ Kart or whatever it was instead of looking at lagrange curves.
I know I sound like a nutter but I've known a lot a LOT of successful pisces and they are all a bit screwy. If you want a chance with her you'd probably have to do a complete 180 with your personality and stop being a conventional tryhard. Go create a new species of collared lizard, captain a nuclear submarine, be a paramedic in Benghazi, something like that. If you show up in ten years and you're exactly the guy she expected you to become? ...Yeah.
But I think you're getting too hung up on the money thing. I think it's because you, personally, think about money too much and that most likely bleeds over into all your interactions with others. Therefore, what I mean to say is, you're probably chasing off all the non-golddiggers with the way you've constructed your personality. Try to meet some girls outside of finance who are successful in more diverse, ethical fields who won't really give a fuck about your contacts or your salary etc. I've met plenty of chicks who care more about what you do and who you are than about how much you make doing it.
Also, I liked the thing about the heart in the snow. A good friend of mine (a girl) once told me a story about a guy who tried to propose to her by pouring gasoline onto her lawn outside her window in the shape of a heart with their initials inside, then set the entire thing on fire. Then he pulled out his guitar and started playing "their song." Needless to say, she did not marry him . But the neighbors did call the police.
EPT
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/lcdvw.png)
the alcohol only delays the inevitable, however.![[image loading]](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/028/590/originaljosephd.jpg)
