It's been five days now, and I miss you more then ever. You mean so much to me, even if I didn't always make that clear, you have to understand that I've always loved you, through the good and the bad, from first moment I can remember, through to today, and into the future. I know how tough things have been for you, and I know I could have done more to help you out - I am sorry for failing you.
You have your failings but Dad. I know you think the answers you're looking for, the relief you seek, is at the bottom of a bottle - but its not. It's hard work, constant reinforcement of some basic skills and overall to get motivation to make a change. I know why you ran away; our views don't align with yours... they probably never will. You say you don't want to get better, but is that really what you want? You need help Dad, help that I will never be able to give you, something that alcohol cannot do for you.
You've left us all worried Dad. We don't know where you went, if your hurt, if you're alive. You can't abandon my sisters, they're too young to have to deal with this, its already tearing them apart.
I can't remember this, but Mum always goes on about how when I was a little kid I used to complain every time she pushed my pram and always called for you to do it instead. You were always so important to me, I've always looked up to you - someone that worked so hard to give us all the things we have - even when I grew taller then you.
You saved peoples lives Dad. I remember at least three times where you jumped into the surf, swimming out towards the person caught in the rip, hauling them back to land, and then causally dismissing the thanks that was given to you.
Do you remember when you used to read Harry Potter to me? How you used to lay on my bedroom floor whilst I listened from the bed, and we read a chapter a night. I remember the day that I finally grew too old for you to read stories to me and I decided to read ahead for myself. The look you gave me was one mixed with sadness at the fact that we could no longer share such as special time, but also happiness, that I had reached the stage where I was capable of doing something like that for myself.
When I was little I used to try and wake up to see you go to work, something like 5:30am. I hardly ever succeeded, but when I did I would rush downstairs, ignoring your incredulous "what are you doing up this hour?" and just hugging you, before going upstairs to sleep again.
I remember one day I narrowly missed you going, (saw the door close behind you) and noticed that there was some of your clothes on the banister. I laid them down on my bedroom floor, and laying down next to them, fell asleep right there, your smell the next closest thing to actually having you there.
I grew up Dad. I couldn't always be that little kid, looking up to you with big blue eyes. I made my own space in the world, became my own person. I hope you're proud of me, wherever you are now, and I hope you forgive me too. I didn't want this to happen. Our family still needs you Dad.
I am so sorry man, I just don't know what to say. This conveyed so much feeling, so much power, I can't tell what is more sad the fact that you can display your emotions so vibrantly in a way I could never dream of, or the fact that your story is so real to the reader that it brings a tear to our eyes. Well done and I hope sincerely that everything turns out for the best, you have my hopes with you.
Sorry bro. This was like reading "Too Cool to be Forgotten" by Alex Robinson. I cried during the climax of that...about his father. Good luck to you ad yours.
I have the same feelings of admiration and love towards my own father. I can't imagine him ever leaving my life (and I''m 23 years old.) Shit, im about to cry at work.
Good luck man. I hope something works out between the two of you. The bond between a father and a son is something I am happy to have experienced in my own life, as it is something that is not easily described with words. Perfect example is right now.. I have so many things I want to say about this topic, but I don't know how to communicate them.
On June 07 2012 23:06 docvoc wrote: I am so sorry man, I just don't know what to say. This conveyed so much feeling, so much power, I can't tell what is more sad the fact that you can display your emotions so vibrantly in a way I could never dream of, or the fact that your story is so real to the reader that it brings a tear to our eyes. Well done and I hope sincerely that everything turns out for the best, you have my hopes with you.
ArcticMuse Hwaiting~~ .
Thanks man, and thank you to all the people who responded. It's a really tough time for me and my family, and not wanting to burden them or any of my closest friends with my own thoughts I turned to TL, and it seems like it has been a good idea. Like you I've never been able to write anything like this before, its only due to this situation that I have found the stimulus and motivation to actually express how I feel through writing. Thank you again for your kind words, they mean a lot to me right now.
I know what (relatively) you’re going through. I lost my father at 12 to terminal cancer, it started around an age I can’t really remember 10 or 11 and the fight lasted till a day before father’s day when he passed away. I relate to the scent smelling and the not having done enough to help. I helped care for him but still felt it was never enough. It's probably one of the worst things you can go through in life. Its like ripping a piece out of you but not just a piece of you’re heart but a piece that helped make you who you are and you will be told thousands of times by relatives that you look like your dad or your mannerisms are like him and that can be a bittersweet thing.
For me its pretty much a lie being that I am very much like my mum (hair colour, eyes , laugh , nose and general calm nice nature) whilst my sister is inherited everything like him (blue eyes, brown hair, same face , same attitude, holds onto things for a very long time.) Hopefully you find him again, which I recommend because you will never ever and I mean EVER get over the fact that when he has passed you will never see him again. You get use to the pain but it will never change.
I hope you can make peace with him, yourself and your family. <3
EPT
good luck
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