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TeamLiquid and me. A personal story.

Blogs > mustaju
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mustaju
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Estonia4504 Posts
May 09 2012 01:47 GMT
#1
Hi TeamLiquid.
It's me. The majority of you don't even know who I am, and I don't blame you. I only posted in a very specific section of the site, and didn't once blog about myself. But it's been 2 years for me on TL, and I'd like to share how this site changed me, and I can allow myself a bit (a wall of text?!?) of exhibitionism, right?

Now, where to start?
I think I'll start by self-reflecting a bit. When I think of what an impact I might have had on the Brood War forums, I immediately think of the coining of the phrase "pulling a mustaju", which basically means acting depressed over something e-sports related. I am not very proud of that phrase, but I do see how it is deserved. Unfortunately, STX-losses aren't the only thing I have been acting overly emotional about. In fact, I remember being depressed from a very early age.

At age 12, I sincerely thought that the world would be a better place if I didn't exist. I never attempted suicide, but I constantly thought about it, because I saw myself as a nuisance to everyone I met. While I did have a period of self-confidence and feeling satisfied regarding myself, my whole world fell apart after a particularly harsh breakup. From there on, I reverted to a state of self-pity and self-loathing, which only amplified once I split ways with a religious organization for reasons that are too complicated to describe here, and a lot of my friends started moving out of town.

I felt deserted and undeserving. I had a state scholarship for the university, I loved political studies, I often visited classes, made notes, didn't talk to anyone, didn't socialize with my course mates much, and when exam-times came... I just curled up, because I couldn't bring myself to write the papers that were the preliminary requirement for exams. Needless to say, that led to even more self-loathing. I lied to everyone who asked about it, and dragged it out till now, where I'm nominally still a student, but have no hope of graduating. Four years I wasted my time and didn't achieve anything, though I visited the classes and even spent a lot of time researching topics for myself. Might sound insane, but that's exactly what I did, because that's all I could do. All the while I kept being shouted at for being useless at home, and kept blowing all the additional chances I got to get it right.

Starcraft was one of many outlets, but it quickly became a major one. A friend whom I met at a boardgame store reminisced about the SC1 campaign in july 2009, and before we knew it, we ended up playing hundreds of hours of Brood War., in preparation for SC2, as we told one-another. The hype for that new game was beyond huge, and we were caught up in it even more now that this was the first time I ever played something in multiplayer for that long. What is more, I discovered the Brood War scene soon after, and I was hooked from the very moment I first saw the games. We emulated the basic openings, and Team Liquid was found soon after. Starcraft became the most important thing in my life at that moment.

It was the 2010-2011 season when I started making a small name for myself in the Brood War Live Report threads, as I always made an effort to create the best Live Report threads I could make for my favorite team, STX SouL. I tried to up the former standards by including hype-interviews with fans of the teams, personal predictions of the games that would follow, and dozens of tiny easter-eggs to the awesome people that I shared the experience with.

For half a year, I created every single LR thread for this fairly unpopular team, and I tried to improve the quality every time. This helped me a lot in the future, but I'll come back to that later.

What about SC2, you might ask? I was left disappointed by it, and while I was jumping up and down after receiving a beta key, and bought the game soon after, I only ended up playing the game for 4 months. I played about 300 games of SC2, but when Proleague started again, I didn't look back until much later. Thus far, all 3 of my attempts to get into SC2 have failed. For me, there was only Brood War, for better or worse.

Soon after, Team Liquid found itself short on BW writers. Thanks to Milkis and Flamewheel, I was brought in, and I spent a year with awesome people pumping out the greatest newsposts TL had ever seen. While my contribution was, in my own opinion, inferior compared to the rest, I am proud to have been part of the two writing rosters I ended up working with.

Now that you know what I ended up doing on TL, I'd like to tell you how it improved my life.

First, it got me interested in programming, thanks to typing all those long codestrips to create the OP-s of the Live Report Threads, learning new programming languages seems a lot less frightening now, and I feel very glad about doing it.

Secondly, I learned a lot of Photoshop, trying to make the horrible banners you ended up seeing. I spent hours upon hours and many sleepless nights churning out new banners, and I loved doing it. At a time where I was barely motivated to get out of bed, that really helped me feel better about myself.

Thirdly, Starcraft helped me understand the passion people can have for sports. I used to look down on people who were sports fans, thinking them to be poisoned by a herd-instinct and to be horrible people in general. I was so wrong to make that generalization, and the time I spent on TL has been some of the happiest in recent years. I cried when my favorite players dropped out of tournaments, I danced around the room when Calm beat Flash in several games, and I was so passionate I even had myself banned for 2 weeks after a particularly bad streak of games. I am so happy I got to be part of this, even if that time was brief.
Thanks to this empathy, I definitely improved the relationship with my brother, and we barely talked before. It sounds unbelievable, but I assure you, it's true.

Fourth(ly?), a lot of the blogs I read really helped convince me to finally go to a psychiatrist and try fixing my depression by getting some professional help. I came clean to a lot of my friends about all my lies, and while I still feel ashamed, I got a lot of help to get myself back on track where I thought I'd only find rejection. I'm sorting out a lot of my anxieties and I've finally managed to do something about the self-loathing. I have become more positive in general, and TeamLiquid definitely deserves some credit for that.

Finally, and most importantly, I met a lot awesome people here. I wrote articles with Harem, Hyde, Carnivorous sheep, Kiante, HawaiianPig, Kiett, Spica, SirJolt, Milkis, swanized, tree.hugger, alffla, flamewheel, disciple and riptide (forgive me if I didn't list someone's name here), who all shared the same passion as I did. It gave me hope to see this sort of passion, and gave me the feeling that I was something more than a weird nerd who wrote articles about korean teens playing computer games. I still look up to the TL staff and I hope they know that they are an inspiration to me.

I came to know moopie, Torenhire, kizuato and the rest of the STX-fanclub through TL. The small band of us cheering on our favorite players will forever be a cherished memory for me. Just knowing you were there with me early in the morning watching the games live was something I can't put into words. I know I wasn't the only one who felt the same.

Sayle gave me the opportunity to co-cast 2 times with him, and although I made a fool of myself on air, I loved every second of those. Sayle deserves a medal.

Ryo and moktira are unsung heroes who helped me a lot making my early Live Report threads and whom I always enjoyed talking to. If the end of BW means I'll never talk to them again, I'll be a very sad panda.

I never talked to Day[9]. but I wish I had a chance to. He helped me a lot with becoming more positive without ever acknowledging my existence. If he ever reads this, I hope I can have that chat with him about how awesome BW is that I wanted to have from the first Daily I ever saw..

I spent hours arguing with Lightwip. While his argumentation tends to be extreme, I know his passion is genuine, and I respect that. I hope he will find a good outlet for it in the future.

I have to bring out moopie once again for always being there for me, whatever problem I had, always being willing to help, always trying to give the best advice, and being the best friend one can have over the internet. You are awesome and you should not forget that.

Now, I feel like my connection to TL is ever-fading, as I have new interests, new challenges and because something that I was very passionate about is about to disappear. Regardless, I am happy to know that TL was there for me when I needed it most, and that new people will take my place. While I am not passionate at all about SC2, I am happy to know that TL won't die if Korean professional BW does. I am happy to know that people are just as passionate about SC2 as I was about BW, and that this community will thrive for at least a few more years. I sincerely hope that even the staunchest SC2 hater can agree with me on that.

Thanks for everything, TL. I'll never be able to repay you.

****
WriterBrows somewhat high. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndFysO2JunE
CluEleSs_UK
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United Kingdom583 Posts
May 09 2012 01:54 GMT
#2
Really nice post, and really well written it encapsulates for me why people shouldn't overlook video games. All too often people tell me I'm wasting my life playing or reading, and that I ought to be doing other "productive" things, but TeamLiquid has become a part of my daily routine, and something which helps me understand myself and those around me.
"If it turns out he is leaving the ESL to focus on cooking crystal meth I'll agree that it is somewhat disgraceful, but I'll hold off judgement until then."
TheKefka
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Croatia11752 Posts
May 09 2012 01:59 GMT
#3
Huh you kinda remind me of a guy I used to play WoW with.He was from Latvia^^
Best of luck!
Cackle™
Lightwip
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States5497 Posts
May 09 2012 02:14 GMT
#4
Haven't talked to you in a long time. Hope everything is less depressing than usual in your life right now.
I can understand why your passion might fade. I've experienced it myself, what with everything going wrong in Starcraft and a general upturn in life (and an increase in workload is probably just as important).
If I don't talk to you again, then best of luck with whatever you choose to do.
If you are not Bisu, chances are I hate you.
flamewheel
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
May 09 2012 02:15 GMT
#5
Don't leave, Mustaju. Life won't be the same, but then again... everything changes.
Writerdamn, i was two days from retirement
Mobius_1
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
United Kingdom2763 Posts
May 09 2012 02:25 GMT
#6
Reading your fanatical obsession for STX in the LR threads (and also Torenhire's) was particularly memorable this past PL Season.
Starleague Forever. RIP KT Violet~
AnachronisticAnarchy
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States2957 Posts
May 09 2012 02:39 GMT
#7
Well that was a pretty awesome blog.
"How are you?" "I am fine, because it is not normal to scream in pain."
CosmosXAM
Profile Joined April 2011
United States121 Posts
May 09 2012 02:44 GMT
#8
That was awesome, I now have to look up everything you ever wrote here
Thank you for sharing your story!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Cry, and you cry alone.
MountainDewJunkie
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States10341 Posts
May 09 2012 03:15 GMT
#9
What is this bullshit! First Kona, now you? Hyde is still around, but I haven't seen much of Zona lately... Everyone is leaving us!

In all seriousness, good luck addressing your personal demons. It's very difficult, but always worth the effort.
[21:07] <Shock710> whats wrong with her face [20:50] <dAPhREAk> i beat it the day after it came out | <BLinD-RawR> esports is a giant vagina
1Eris1
Profile Joined September 2010
United States5797 Posts
May 09 2012 03:34 GMT
#10
What? No, damnit! You're like 16.67% of the STX fanbase. Leaving now would completely upset the balance.

+ Show Spoiler +
In all serious though, I wish the best in whatever you do man. Your posts were always a pleasure to read, even if we never really got to know eachother.
Known Aliases: Tyragon, Valeric ~MSL Forever, SKT is truly the Superior KT!
Wampaibist
Profile Joined July 2010
United States478 Posts
May 09 2012 04:25 GMT
#11
great blog! All those sc1 fans will remember for the rest of their life waking up and reading those live report threads like a newspaper!
Bwenjarin Raffrack
Profile Joined November 2008
United States322 Posts
May 09 2012 04:48 GMT
#12
You've always been a great contributor, and your passion even made you iconic to the BW community. I know what it's like to use BW as a sanctuary from a languor that pervades seemingly every other facet of life. It's that port in a storm that you can hold on to and cherish; a small, isolated realm where you can feel something real for once, cheer unreservedly, hope fervently, and doubt and fret and mourn guardedly. Before long, that cathartic passion becomes poise that lets you see the whole world in color again, anxious but undaunted in tackling what seemed oppressively insurmountable before. If you're really leaving, then I'm glad you were able to gain some amount of perspective, purpose, or happiness during your stay here that you can take with you.

And, of course, we'll miss you. Good luck out there.
I'm not as thunk as dreople pink I am.
rainei
Profile Joined November 2009
Canada1316 Posts
May 09 2012 05:34 GMT
#13
Best of luck to you in your future endeavours, I fully enjoyed your passion for STX and LR threads. Hey, I kinda like them too, as I always root for the underdog (unless its like Oz vs Ace or something)

Farewell, probably the coolest Estonian ever.
All aboard the HSY fanboat/train/ whatever form of transportation you desire!! Everyday is Sojin day
HawaiianPig
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
Canada5155 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-05-09 06:46:26
May 09 2012 06:44 GMT
#14
As much as this site has impacted you, always remember that you impacted it, and the people on it, as well.

You were part of a massive and radical shift in TL news coverage that I like to think had its root in the SPL coverage we put together. The quality of news we managed to produce in a time where TL was short on, time, resources and writers was, in retrospect, incredible.

Seriously, I urge you to just browse the evolution of TL news by hopping through the various SPL installments over the past two years. You were integral in both keeping that going and improving it (even if your choice in favourite team was wrong). Many weeks would be carried on the back of you and Kiante alone. Together, we raised the bar on Starcraft coverage. You've played a role in something huge here and you should be proud.

It was a sincere pleasure working with you, and I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors.
AdministratorNot actually Hawaiian.
Funnytoss
Profile Blog Joined August 2007
Taiwan1471 Posts
May 09 2012 08:12 GMT
#15
Wonderful post. In a way, it seems like your time on TeamLiquid helped to make you able to leave Teamliquid (in a sense). Glad to see you've gotten so much through the community (and your contributions have been much appreciated), and that you will continue to enjoy the site, though perhaps in a different way what with pro-BW in Korea being what it is now.
AIV_Funnytoss and sGs.Funnytoss on iCCup
Hyde
Profile Blog Joined November 2007
Australia14568 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-05-09 10:45:07
May 09 2012 08:21 GMT
#16
Thanks for sharing, I had no idea about some of the things you were going through.

I can't put it any better than what HP has already said. Thanks for all your hard work over the years, I've really enjoyed reading your writing. The standards you set for your LR threads is something I haven't been able to meet, you are and always will be one of the best LR makers (also, I can relate with the photoshopping stuff and the interviews I did in my last two SPL threads were inspired by your previous work, just so you know.)
Overall, I think with the work you've done, you've left an impression on TL that won't be forgotten. I'll always remember you as one of the most passionate fans to grace this website. I hope you drop by from time to time to say hi.

I sincerely wish you all the best, and that 'parties in Estonia' are plentiful in your future endeavors
Because when you left, Brood War was all spotlights and titans. Now, with the death of the big leagues, Brood War has moved to the basements and carparks. Now, Brood War is unlicensed brawls, lost teeth, and bloody fights for fistfulls of money - SirJolt
moktira *
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
Ireland1543 Posts
May 09 2012 09:35 GMT
#17
The BW forums definitely would not be a better place if you didn't exist anyway mustaju.

Likewise I always enjoyed our discussions. When I first starting adding VODs to the Small VOD Thread I used always use your LR thread to copy and paste from and they were always so nice and well laid out. Similarly your contribution to the SPL coverage was great, don't underplay your role.
If in doubt, differentiate and set equal to zero
moopie
Profile Joined July 2009
12605 Posts
May 09 2012 09:56 GMT
#18
This definitely goes both ways. You've helped me out with a lot of shit and continue to do so. You rock.

+ Show Spoiler +
STX forever!
I'm going to sleep, let me get some of that carpet.
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
May 09 2012 10:27 GMT
#19
It's been a total pleasure to work with you.

I hadn't got the impression this was a "leaving TL" post until I read the comments, more that it was just redefining how you related to things.

If this is to be the end, I hope you enjoy wherever it is you happen to end up, no matter what you're doing
Moderator@SirJolt
corumjhaelen
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
France6884 Posts
May 09 2012 11:17 GMT
#20
Here's hoping Bogus has a good showing in group A =)
Thanks for everything, it was really muuuuuch appreciated.
‎numquam se plus agere quam nihil cum ageret, numquam minus solum esse quam cum solus esset
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