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Sit back and enjoy
So I sign in to watch day9,
for subscription I would pay.
Now I just watch sc2 and its not okay
but I am to bad to play!
So I just decide to make a rhyme,
To bail on ladder truly is a crime.
Ladder anxiety they said,
It will be okay I read.
The hope of promotion is dead,
But to get it I must go ahead!
The non stop stress,
A desire unquenched,
The thirst for ladder I must confess.
Sitting here on a bench,
The find match button, I must press.
When will I hit masters?
A road so far away.
I guess I gotta stop making micro disasters,
To end this dismay!
But who cares really its just a league!
As long as my dt rush continues,
I wont be stopped by fatigue!
My plot to win is ingenious.
 
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Goopity goopity goop.
The poop goes in the soup.
I say, we all shall play,
The merry old game of soup!
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Man, you sure know how to crank these out.
If I were to make a suggestion, I would say work on your flow. Read it out loud to yourself, and try and make sure the amount of syllables in each line sounds appropriate
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boring, cluttered, uninspired, cumbersome, and it feels like you are working with the vocabulary of a 15 year old.
there is literally no alliteration, nor any slant rhymes or half rhymes. your sentences are disjointed and your (weak) metaphors are fragmented
but yeah keep it up...
edit: i read it over again and I almost puked... not only because the overall message is dull, but because of how forced most of your rhymes are. you sometimes even use archaic grammar to jam specific words in spots they shouldn't be in just so it can rhyme on the last syllable ("The find match button, I must press." lol ok yoda)
you also use 6-4-5-4-4 line construction (wtf?) with a a,b,a,b,c,c, in the first; d,d,d,d, in the second; e,f,e,f, in the third; g,h,g,h, in the fourth; and i,j,i,k, in the fifth
your rhyme schemes don't seem to follow any overarching pattern and it makes the reader feel very uncomfortable
sorry if this sounds harsh but its honest advice. would you prefer I just say "hey nice job you did great keep going"?
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^^kinda agree there. Though, to me, things like meter and rhythm aren't nearly as important as correct syntax and grammar. Rhyme is a matter of preference, really.
Also, i did a rewrite! take it as you will. :D
Be a Better Gamer
I sign in to watch day 9 tv, glad to have bought a subscription
And watch starcraft sadly, reminding me of the games I play myself, badly.
So instead, I resign to rhymed diction, leaving the game on the shelf.
He tells me "it's fine" and to "relax" and to "breathe"
And that "It's OK, you'll earn that promotion, someday."
But after every game I seethe with pain and emotion.
Oh day 9!
The non-stop stress, the desire unquenched, this arduous thirst!
When will I make Masters? Stop making micro disasters, so sudden?
How will I ever claim Rank: First if I'm afraid of the Find Match button?
He says "Be a better Gamer," and I just turn pale and sickly.
Tired of the noobs, the cheeses, the all-ins, the NR20s, and proxies.
And decide to end things quickly, with 6pools or 6 DTs.
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The most important thing in poetry is imagery.
Like, show us how you actually watched whatever you watched. Did you sit yourself neatly in your chair, or did you drop yourself onto the arms of the chair, moving and twisting the seat as you adjust yourself to watch something you'll never be? You're not that happy with that, so why not show us?
Show us non-stop stress... Show some sweat dropping from your nose as you click non-stop on your mouse and clack away at your keyboard... Where are the noises?!?! Maybe you're surrounded by walls of coke cans, like I used to be.
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Well, I like this because I find it fun... takes me about 40-110 minutes scattered over like 1 day... Don't do it all at once...
I don't really feel like putting a sick amount of effort into these things... Just me enjoying really, really wierd stuff...
Only time will tell if I will be better at making poems ^^
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You are the Justin Bieber of poetry
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On May 09 2012 22:41 theBALLS wrote:
You are the Justin Bieber of poetry
Ahhh so I am super rich get all the girls... ohh god why... ^^
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On May 09 2012 10:13 ZaplinG wrote:
boring, cluttered, uninspired, cumbersome, and it feels like you are working with the vocabulary of a 15 year old.
there is literally no alliteration, nor any slant rhymes or half rhymes. your sentences are disjointed and your (weak) metaphors are fragmented
but yeah keep it up...
edit: i read it over again and I almost puked... not only because the overall message is dull, but because of how forced most of your rhymes are. you sometimes even use archaic grammar to jam specific words in spots they shouldn't be in just so it can rhyme on the last syllable ("The find match button, I must press." lol ok yoda)
you also use 6-4-5-4-4 line construction (wtf?) with a a,b,a,b,c,c, in the first; d,d,d,d, in the second; e,f,e,f, in the third; g,h,g,h, in the fourth; and i,j,i,k, in the fifth
your rhyme schemes don't seem to follow any overarching pattern and it makes the reader feel very uncomfortable
sorry if this sounds harsh but its honest advice. would you prefer I just say "hey nice job you did great keep going"?
Poety doesn't have to make sense,
It doesn't even need proper tense.
As long as you write from in your heart,
You will be able to make great art.
To all the snobs and al you critics,
Trying to judge with analytics,
Where are the poems you have written?
Surely they're so good I'll be smitten.
But I think I will take a guess here,
To assume they will never appear,
For it is easier to judge him,
Than it is to write your own good hymm.
Still though there is one thought in my head,
All these poems could have gone in one thread.
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On May 10 2012 03:31 TheToast wrote:
Poety doesn't have to make sense,
It doesn't even need proper tense.
As long as you write from in your heart,
You will be able to make great art.
To all the snobs and al you critics,
Trying to judge with analytics,
Where are the poems you have written?
Surely they're so good I'll be smitten.
But I think I will take a guess here,
To assume they will never appear,
For it is easier to judge him,
Than it is to write your own good hymm.
Still though there is one thought in my head,
All these poems could have gone in one thread.
Haha, I can't show my poems! You're right! Only because I want to get them published!
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On May 10 2012 03:31 TheToast wrote:
Poety doesn't have to make sense,
It doesn't even need proper tense.
As long as you write from in your heart,
You will be able to make great art.
To all the snobs and al you critics,
Trying to judge with analytics,
Where are the poems you have written?
Surely they're so good I'll be smitten.
But I think I will take a guess here,
To assume they will never appear,
For it is easier to judge him,
Than it is to write your own good hymm.
Still though there is one thought in my head,
All these poems could have gone in one thread.
Awesome poem!
I made each poem in a seperate time...
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On May 10 2012 03:31 TheToast wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2012 10:13 ZaplinG wrote:
boring, cluttered, uninspired, cumbersome, and it feels like you are working with the vocabulary of a 15 year old.
there is literally no alliteration, nor any slant rhymes or half rhymes. your sentences are disjointed and your (weak) metaphors are fragmented
but yeah keep it up...
edit: i read it over again and I almost puked... not only because the overall message is dull, but because of how forced most of your rhymes are. you sometimes even use archaic grammar to jam specific words in spots they shouldn't be in just so it can rhyme on the last syllable ("The find match button, I must press." lol ok yoda)
you also use 6-4-5-4-4 line construction (wtf?) with a a,b,a,b,c,c, in the first; d,d,d,d, in the second; e,f,e,f, in the third; g,h,g,h, in the fourth; and i,j,i,k, in the fifth
your rhyme schemes don't seem to follow any overarching pattern and it makes the reader feel very uncomfortable
sorry if this sounds harsh but its honest advice. would you prefer I just say "hey nice job you did great keep going"? Poety doesn't have to make sense, It doesn't even need proper tense. As long as you write from in your heart, You will be able to make great art. To all the snobs and al you critics, Trying to judge with analytics, Where are the poems you have written? Surely they're so good I'll be smitten. But I think I will take a guess here, To assume they will never appear, For it is easier to judge him, Than it is to write your own good hymm. Still though there is one thought in my head, All these poems could have gone in one thread.
You attack me with a sonnet, sir?
Is that the best you've got?
Roll up to my face with that shit,
and your ass'll be shot.
It seems you have forgot that im not,
some bitch ass punk who dropped
out of school. I'm sitting on top,
higher than the rest of my flock.
So take your guesses here if you dare,
I don't care if you predict they won't appear.
For I don't judge unlest I be judgethed,
Just like Jesus said on the subject.
But thinking back to the scene of the crime,
I see that the OP isn't as serious as I am.
+ Show Spoiler + sorry op for being a dick
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On May 10 2012 05:42 DigiGnar wrote:Show nested quote +On May 10 2012 03:31 TheToast wrote:
Poety doesn't have to make sense,
It doesn't even need proper tense.
As long as you write from in your heart,
You will be able to make great art.
To all the snobs and al you critics,
Trying to judge with analytics,
Where are the poems you have written?
Surely they're so good I'll be smitten.
But I think I will take a guess here,
To assume they will never appear,
For it is easier to judge him,
Than it is to write your own good hymm.
Still though there is one thought in my head,
All these poems could have gone in one thread.
Haha, I can't show my poems! You're right! Only because I want to get them published!
and fuck this guy for bitching out lol
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EPT
