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Hi TL, I'm back. This time with a very personal story I'd like to share with you.
I'm currently 26 years old. As you already know (or at least the folks who read my blog all the time do) I'm an MD (I graduated 2 years ago) and I'm working at a small, low complexity countryside hospital in southern Chile doing my GP residency in order to gain a little more experience so in a year or two I can go do my specialty (leaning torwards either radiology or neurology) with better knowledge and understanding of the medical art. I've seen lots of things at work, some funny, some very depressing, and it's pretty hard to be really professional and don't let those things get to you too much. You compartimentalize, talk to your colleagues or friends about them, but they never get any easier. And sometimes, they take the toll on you. Especially if you're prone to depression.
I've been coping with this fucking disease since I was younger. My very best friend died in a horrible accident. The memory of my parents waking me up in the morning at my bedside, telling me she was gone, has haunted me every single day of my life ever since; from that day on, I can safely say I am not the same person I remember I was prior to that fateful day...
I've had 3 more episodes, related to other things, but the ghost of what started it all has always been behind my back. Not only because of my work I know how this disease chases you down all your life, and you've got to cope with it and fight it, but also as a patient; I have felt it in my very mind and flesh; that disgusting emptiness that eats your thoughts, drains your energy, your cheerfulness and your smile... It's hard to cope with it.
I've seen things at work that have gotten to me a lot. I've been losing sleep because of the ER shifts, my family thinks my mood has changed and now I'm like a bitter old grandpa, bitching all day about the littlest things... And the ghost of depression crosses my mind. It's a struggle with no end.
So I've been going to the shrink since a couple weeks ago and he put me into some medication (Topamax as a mood stabilizer and Effexor as an antidepresant) which has made me feel a little better. He told me to dedicate a little more time to my current hobbies (writing, playing guitar, StarCraft II) and take a few weeks off work to vent off. So I did. I feel better but sometimes I'm all bummed out and it's back to the start all over again.
Have you ever dealt with depression, fellow TL users? How have you coped with it? What are your experiences on the matter?
I thank you for bearing with me on this very personal blog entry. I'd very much like to hear from your stories too. Talking about this kind of stuff tends to make things a little easier and, who knows, we might even find good ideas to cope with this fucking disease.
TY all for reading.
  
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I am currently 18 years old in college, and I've failed my first two semesters. I have been depressed for a long time but recently I've been going through a really bad time. I failed my first semester of college, lost both of my jobs a day apart, 4 days after that my dad died on christmas and two months after that, my girlfriend, my pillar of strength, broke up with me. So yeah. I've been talking to my sister a lot about it but I don't know how to NOT be depresed.
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I don't know if it would be an option for you, but all I can say is, "today is 420."
Not saying anyone should make it a habit, but sometimes a little chemical balancing agent is all you need.
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Sounds rough man. I'm 20 and a college student and I've been depressed for about a year now and all I can say is music helps. Go for a walk when the sun is shining on a beautiful day, pop in some head phones, and just look at the world around you. Listen to whatever you want, just make it something you like. What I started with was Atmosphere, a rap group with a very heavy blues side, because the sad stories with beats that just make you feel so sad for the singer, you can't help but think your life isn't that bad.
I've started doing this on campus and it's really helping me forget about all the shit in my life, even if it's just for 5 minutes between class. But really, if you take the time to slow down and look at nature's beauty, I honestly believe you might find yourself feeling better.
Also, I've never been a "nature is amazing" kind of a person: I don't talk about nature with friends, I don't garden or anything like that, but for last couple of weeks I've started noticing how amazing things look, and I really believe it can help you get out of a funk.
Good luck man, doctors have it rough, but they've got to be some of the best people on the planet.
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Wow, well... I'd love to help you out. Really my best advice would be to find someone to talk to, and just tell them everything. Someone who really cares about you, maybe a new girlfreind ? Anyways, gl and I hope you feel better soon! 
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I struggle with depression, I'm currently a student at Uni, and I can get quite stressed, however alot of my depression though comes from being transgender, I have good days and some days where I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm on meds, but I'm pretty bad about taking them.
I cope by just keeping a positive mindset, but sometimes It just simply doesn't work and I want to die, but I usually keep a clear enough head to know what I'm feeling will pass... eventually.
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I think just keeping yourself busy, especially doing things that you enjoy and feel good doing are the best options. Surrounding yourself with positive people and energy, and pursue things that genuinely make you happy can help too. Maybe try something new and get yourself motivated about it. You probably know more than me, but I think in the end it's about spending as much time doing things that make you feel good so that you don't fall in the "rut" or "hole" that depression can bring on which will just suck you down.
On April 20 2012 15:07 TerlocSG wrote:
...
Also, I've never been a "nature is amazing" kind of a person: I don't talk about nature with friends, I don't garden or anything like that, but for last couple of weeks I've started noticing how amazing things look, and I really believe it can help you get out of a funk.
Good luck man, doctors have it rough, but they've got to be some of the best people on the planet.
I really agree with this. Sometimes if you just take a moment and appreciate your surroundings and nature, you just see the beauty in everything around you which puts things in perspective. Makes you realize how small you are in this universe, and that your problems are nothing compared to the infinite expanse of space. Also, it makes you thankful for everything you have.
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My opinion in short:
Less chemy more natural medicine and listen to yourself. Meditation can help =)
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I been through depression. It can be quite irrational and hard to pinpoint. Are you depressed because you feel lonely, because your father recently died, because of stressing ambitions or stuff like that. Don't focus on it, just let it go. Live, do what you like but also the things you have to do. Don't focus on being depressed and don't view yourself as it. I don't know if you are religious or something but personally I believe in nothing of the sort and it really helps to bring a positive perspective to life knowing that there are no greater pressures or meaning, you can just live your life to your abilities and let it fall as it may. I don't think I was very helpful here, it is always a hard thing as it is very personal, but I hope you can deal with yours!
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Anything that gives you a rush is always good medicine when I'm feeling blue. I guess for everyone it can be different but I personally love to drive mountain roads at sometimes stupid speeds. The rush it gives you is rather nice, and the view at the top of a mountain is priceless.
Music that you can relate to is also very helpful. Really anything that keeps your mind distracted from those dark thoughts...
Eventually, through time and hopefully other "good" life experiences will you be able to put those thoughts behind you and realize there's more to life than to wallow over certain situations.
Another thing that always helps is to go for a run until you are dead tired. You will be so out of it all you can think about is relaxing and sleep.
On nights that you stay up all night and barely get any sun I would advise you to take a vitamin D supplement which, at least for me gives me a nice boost in positive energy.
Here is a song which may or may not help.
+ Show Spoiler +
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I remember been depressed. Probably the worst moments of my life. You see everything negatively and you don't develop and miss on opportunities to pursue your goals.
Usually seeking help is the best option but you have to get on with life in order to do something for yourself. Try doing little things that you can do and you will begin to value yourself a bit more. For every little success always celebrate it and tell everyone. Friends help out heaps too especially if they are positive. Looking at the bigger picture and working hard at something will slowly bring you out of the depression slump.
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I'm 20 and in my 8th year of depression. I know how hard it can be. It's good that you've been talking with someone. That can be a very hard part of it for some. I hope you find some answers you are looking for!
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On April 20 2012 15:24 Teejing wrote:
My opinion in short:
Less chemy more natural medicine and listen to yourself. Meditation can help =)
This is true, but natural medicine (for a big part) is for taking the edge off of minor depression. Major depression and anxiety disorder might need something stronger to get you in a better place to help yourself.
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I'm sorry, I cannot help you as i'm only 17 year old, and most of us "think" we're depressed when in reality. You have expressed to us what real depression is. I hope you feel better man, I hope the fact that people in teamliquid supports you and hope you are cured from depression.
That goes for you too Tyler, never forget your fans are worried.
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I never allowed myself to say or think "I'm depressed" but there was a year where I probably was. My dad and my closest friend died within a couple months of each other. Playing video games is the worst thing you can do. Your psychiatrist is a quack.
What you do is exercise every single fucking day and start eating right. DO NOT chill alone in your basement and play sc2. Go out and meet some girls or a friend. If you have no friends go make some. Don't talk about the dark shit in your life just try and have some fun. Bad shit happens and you need to man up and soldier on. Get angry at yourself for being weak and allowing yourself to wallow in self pity. You don't have a disease, you are just being a pussy. 5 billion people have it worse than you and they don't cry about it.
Try everything you can (especially working out and exercise every day) before you resort to drugs. Those things are no good for you. Psychiatrists and doctors are just legal drug pushers making bank for pharma companies. Unless you have some debilitating mental illness like being bi polar or something it's not worth the side effects and damage they do to your brain.
Don't mean to be harsh but that's how I pulled myself out of it. I'm widely known now as the most positive and happy person around. I get hot bitches, the girls in my office flirt with me shamelessly, and I can take a good jab with my head held high. Every single day is the best day of my life, regardless of what happened yesterday. It's like turning on a light switch and it all goes away. Just fucking do it. Make it a point of honor for yourself. I WILL NOT WALLOW IN MY OWN SELF PITY. If you can do that you will love yourself, and so will everyone else.
Just as an addendum i thought i would mention that 9 months ago I had a dirtbike accident and broke my left tibia and my right calcaneous. I didn't walk for 6 months. I didn't stop smiling even once. My girlfriend and family got mad at me. I remeber my Gf basically screaming at me something along the lines of "don't you care our lives are like this". LOL I totally didn't tho. nothing can bring me down. Nothing. Being able to say that and the pride it fills me with is what I use to push on and be happy.
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I've been dealing with it in some capacity for the last 10 years or so. I never admitted it to anyone until a couple months ago and tried to just rough it out and no matter what I tried it didn't work. Of course every case is different, sometimes it can be caused by nothing at all or as in your case some traumatic experiences.
Exercise, diet and sunlight exposure are supposed to be the big 3 things most people need to improve but of course there is a good chance that won't "cure" it just make you feel better to some degree. Along with those getting professional help is the best thing you can do, even if it's just seeing a psychiatrist to have someone you know you can talk to in confidence.
The other things that help me get through particularly tough times are music and comedy. Depending on what kind of music I feel it helps me express myself and get some things out that I'm not usually able to. The comedy is just to take my mind completely off whatever is stressing me or making me feel down and just have a good laugh.
I'm not sure what else I can say as I'm just going through the medicine route myself and the results have been a bit underwhelming but best of luck to you!
edit: forgot 1 thing. I don't think I'd still be around today without having some great friends+family. Even if you really don't feel like it make time for your friends and family.
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Here's how I dealt with it with some easy steps:
1. Spend more time outside, preferrably in nature.
2. Magnesium and vitamin D.
3. Fix the root of the problem, not the symptoms. This one is obviously the hardest and you have to do it in your own way. But the above two steps can help out a lot.
4. Share your troubles with friends or family. Unlike doctors they can open up to you and share their own troubles, and that might make yours seem easyer to go through.
5. Smile! The brain associates smiling with happiness, so if you smile, even if there is no reason for it, your brain gets tricked into thinking you're happy and releases the correct chemicals for that.
6. I think this is the best one. EMPATHY. You feel down because you are very emphatic (not nativ english, excuse my poor spelling) and you see a lot of sick people. Simply watch feel good movies, hang out with cheerful people, and it will eventually rub off onto you.
Good luck.
here, have some love >:D< you seem like you need it 
edit: And enternal shadow is not exactly an upbeat username, haha
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On April 20 2012 17:30 Kilocide wrote:
I never allowed myself to say or think "I'm depressed" but there was a year where I probably was. My dad and my closest friend died within a couple months of each other. Playing video games is the worst thing you can do. Your psychiatrist is a quack.
What you do is exercise every single fucking day and start eating right. DO NOT chill alone in your basement and play sc2. Go out and meet some girls or a friend. If you have no friends go make some. Don't talk about the dark shit in your life just try and have some fun. Bad shit happens and you need to man up and soldier on. Get angry at yourself for being weak and allowing yourself to wallow in self pity. You don't have a disease, you are just being a pussy. 5 billion people have it worse than you and they don't cry about it.
Try everything you can (especially working out and exercise every day) before you resort to drugs. Those things are no good for you. Psychiatrists and doctors are just legal drug pushers making bank for pharma companies. Unless you have some debilitating mental illness like being bi polar or something it's not worth the side effects and damage they do to your brain.
Don't mean to be harsh but that's how I pulled myself out of it. I'm widely known now as the most positive and happy person around. I get hot bitches, the girls in my office flirt with me shamelessly, and I can take a good jab with my head held high. Every single day is the best day of my life, regardless of what happened yesterday. It's like turning on a light switch and it all goes away. Just fucking do it. Make it a point of honor for yourself. I WILL NOT WALLOW IN MY OWN SELF PITY. If you can do that you will love yourself, and so will everyone else.
Just as an addendum i thought i would mention that 9 months ago I had a dirtbike accident and broke my left tibia and my right calcaneous. I didn't walk for 6 months. I didn't stop smiling even once. My girlfriend and family got mad at me. I remeber my Gf basically screaming at me something along the lines of "don't you care our lives are like this". LOL I totally didn't tho. nothing can bring me down. Nothing. Being able to say that and the pride it fills me with is what I use to push on and be happy.
I tried to write a well-thought out response but I don't have enough time. Basically, this is just ignorant. This is someone without depression/anxiety talking about how great he thinks he is, then gives example of things that shouldn't make him depressed, and how they didn't :/ If SC relaxes him he should do it. Exercise probably won't do much, since this sounds like major depression, but it wouldn't hurt.
As for going out to meet people and surround yourself in friends, that depends. It can also make things worse. If you have a fairly introverted personality is can even be destructive. Drugs can also be very helpful. Can they cure you? No, but they can help you help yourself.
I know this isn't a real statement from Kilocide (I hope), and hopefully no one takes it seriously. There is a lot of bad advice in here. It's similiar to someone healthy spouting nonsense about how he never got cancer or heart disease 'cuz he's just too damn tough, and you're doctor doesn't get it. "Trans fats didn't give me a heart attack!" It's nonsense.
TLDR:
Some people are stupid, LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR!
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In my opinion repeating/lasting anxiety leads to depression.
So you need to get rid of the anxiety.
Further I tend to think anxiety is composed of two elements:
1. Physiological element - not enough muscle/body stimulation, often leading to physical pain(e.g. back pain/muscle tension...).
2. Psychological element - not enough mental stimulation, often leading to boredom and deprivation.
To avoid physiological problems, you need to do some sport at least a couple of times a week.
It really doesn't matter whether it's jogging, tennis or weight lifting. Do what you enjoy the most, but do it regularly.
In order to get rid of the psychological problems it's necessary to have constant mental stimulation.
Now this may be a new hobby or new friends, doesn't really matter, you just need to try something new - don't feel pressure that you have to perform well at it. Just do something you always wanted to do, maybe make a list of things you would like to try till you die and go for it.
Another important thing to note is if you have a stereotypical routine you need to break it. For example you come home from work but you feel tired to do anything so you end up watching telly.. no you need to go out or do something creative.
Try to meet new people every day(I mean not your hospital's patients), normal people at a bar setting or something, this does not have to lead to friendship but it definitely improves your mindset.
Finally I think that's why sex is kind of good, because it destroys both of these symptoms. But if you lose it you may that easily go on the depression road - so that's why it's good to have a backup plan.
That's it, hope you do well.
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Hey man. I went through five years of mental illness. A combination of anxiety and depression.
I really recommend this book (you can purchase it on google books and read it right away). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has good, scientific evidence that it is effective. I'm sure someone of your intelligence will take to it right away. CBT is about identifying the way you feel and then going another step to identify the thoughts that are related to those feelings. It's not the easiest thing. But hell, neither is SC2!
Google search for:
Beat The Blues Before They Beat You: How to Overcome Depression
Dr. Robert Leahy
I really hope you check this book, or other CBT books out. CBT worked for me. It has worked for hundreds of thousands of other people (and probably people not nearly as bright as you!). CBT really is the strategic way of dealing with this challenge.
All the best, man!
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EPT
